I've spent the last few weeks attempting to adjust to my newfound role as a father. It's gone...okay, for the most part. I was so incredibly stressed last week because of that and because work has been insane and it's only gonna get crazier later this month. Plus, my house has become the go-to place for people starting new lives, apparently. My best friend since birth is living there, as is my teenage charge, as well as me and my girlfriend and the baby. It's not like there's an issue with space, there's a ton of that, but it's just not always the easiest thing to live with so many people. My girlfriend obviously sensed that, although I love these people, the living situation combined with work stress and baby stuff was literally keeping me up at night (only adding to the problem, but working out fantastically well in the sense that I am always on call for the baby). All the late nights are giving me time to think and that's not a good thing right now.
I don't like April. If I could, I'd just go to an 11-month calendar. My birthday is this month (and now so is my daughter's), so it my sisters (obviously), and my niece will turn 9, which is something to look forward to, I suppose. But it's also the month that sort of...I don't know, takes me back to all the negative stuff that happened to me years ago. The beginning of what could've been the end but fortunately wasn't. My girlfriend died a few days after my birthday six years ago and then I nearly died myself. I know soon I'll go through a period of a few days where I'm very bummed out about the loss. At least I expect to. This year may be a little different just because it's the first test of just how much I've changed. Whether or not I've actually come to terms with everything. I feel like I have. I haven't been this happy in a long time. I don't know if I've ever been this happy. For a long time it felt like I just could not let go of who I used to be, before the accident. I look back at my writing then and think about certain situations I was in then and it seems like another life. At least what I can remember seems to be a completely different life. I'm also coming to terms with the fact that I may never remember certain years or past events from my life. That's a little scary but it's not like I can do anything about it. It's a weird feeling knowing that there are things about your own life that you don't know. It feels a bit like you don't fully know yourself. But that's the way it's meant to be, I guess. This is where I'm supposed to be, and I actually believe that, for once. I'll get through this April the same way I've gotten through every April since 2002. Brace for the worst of my emotions but hope that it's a little easier than last year.
