M: Six months old today and has it ever been an interesting six months. When you came into the world, your parents were seemingly headed for a divorce. Now your parents are trying their hardest to work things out, not because of you and your brother, but because they are still very much in love with each other. Six months on, things are not how I envisioned them for you, or how I wish they were, but that's life. I guess you're just learning sooner than the rest of us.
You have been on my mind a lot lately. Maybe part of the reason is because you we spent our first weekend apart recently and it was harder than I thought it would be. Family is a funny thing and, believe me, all things considered, you lucked out with this bunch of clowns. You couldn't ask for a more supportive, loving, affectionate group of people to grow up around (or with, depending on the person). I love you so much more than you could ever know. I'm not sure why the two of us have such a bond, but I hope it manages to survive your sure to be tumultuous teenage years. I think about what I wanna say to you and to my own daughter. You two are essentially gonna grow up as siblings and I'm very thankful for that. You're already very close and communicate in your own little language. It's actually adorable to watch. I love you and I can't wait to watch you grow. And no matter what happens with your parents, I'm here for you. Never forget that.
N: I feel the need to write down a 'just in case' letter because I realize that things happen and, especially given some of my medical issues, you just never know what the future holds. You're living proof of that. I could never have fathomed that this is how fatherhood would come to me. I've wanted to be a father since I was a kid. It was one of those dreams you have that you think is gonna come true because it seems like such a basic thing. I thought I'd be "settled" (hate what that word implies) and happy by the time I was 22. By the time I was 21 I had found the woman for me and we had worked through our issues and into such a wonderful, beautiful friendship and relationship. But, for reasons I don't think I'll ever understand or be at peace with, she was taken from this world and everything in my world collapsed. I went into a period of wandering and demanding answers that I knew I was never gonna get. I spent way too long in that fog but I don't regret it because it made me a much better person. I learned a lot about myself and one of the biggest revelations was that I am, in some ways, an extremely flawed individual. That's what made me begin to think twice about becoming a parent. That and the fact that this is an ugly world a lot of the time and I didn't know if it was right to be bringing a life into it.
It was about a year and a half after I lost that person I loved that I met your mother. It's actually one of the few things that I remember every single detail of; every second, every word, every scent. She hit me with a door and the rest is history. She was gorgeous. She had such love in her eyes and such a light around her. A day later we went out to dinner. The conversation was amazing and the age difference was nothing to either of us. There was something more there. There was some kind of connection that has really never gone away and now, thanks to you, it never will. I almost felt as if she was supposed to be a part of my life for the rest of my life. We had been together for four months when she asked me if I wanted to have a baby. My reasons for saying yes were not good ones. About the only thing I did know was that I wanted to have a child with this woman. I think I said yes, partially, because I knew that this was something we would not have a lot of time to do. I knew our relationship likely wouldn't last forever but I knew she would make a wonderful mother and, I hoped, I could be a great father. We tried but never did get pregnant while we were together. It wasn't meant to be at that time. Our break-up was very...adult. It just wasn't working so we called it off and agreed to have a cooling off period before continuing our friendship.
Our friendship has been an amazing one. Your mother is one of those people that I can call on for anything and she'll be there. She's someone who will always tell me the truth, even when I don't want to hear it. She's someone who was meant to be a mother. I've never had a bad word to say about her and I never will. The good in her far outweighs the bad and she loves you so much more than you'll ever comprehend. She waited so long for you; you were her dream. There has never been anything in this world she's wanted more. So, in case I'm not there to remind you, don't mouth off to her when she holds you closer than your friends parents do them. Don't get embarrassed when she flat out refuses to let you move out when you graduate from high school (and trust me, this event will play out. I know your mother). Hope that, if someday you decide to have kids of your own, you're able to be half the human being and mother that she is. She's been through a lot and she's taken a long road to get to where she is now. Everything she does for you is out of pure, unconditional love. Remember that.
I've been thing a lot about what I would say to you if you could really understand and take in what I was saying. Thinking about what I would want you to know about me or what I would wanna teach you. Part of that comes from my lack of knowledge about my own father. The situation was different but I wonder what he would've wanted us (your aunt, uncle and me) to know.
About me...I'm a very, very curious little monkey, always have been. (And so are you at the moment, I love that you inherited that). I drove your grandma (and my grandma) crazy with my questions. You can never be too curious, in my opinion. Asking questions is essential to understanding the world you live in and the people you share it with. I'm a very sensitive person, I take things a lot more personally than most people realize and that's a blessing and a curse. I love history and I hope to be able to take you to see all of the greatest things about the history of the world. I love the Titanic, I love Egypt, I love Greece and Rome and I love to learn (and so does your mom) so that is gonna be a huge part of your life. I am a music addict and you are gonna get quite the education in that. You already have, I can't tell you how thrilled I am about our duet of 'Don't Stop Believin'. I have a feeling you're gonna have a big appreciation and love of music and art because you come from a long line of people on both sides who are the same way. And last, but never least, I love sports. I love hockey the most but I am equally educated in baseball and football. And because of other family members on my side you'll learn soccer and lacrosse and, though it hurts me to say it, cricket and curling (thanks a lot Uncle M) and volleyball.
What I want to teach you is...well, everything. I'm sure that's how all parents feel; they can't wait to share their passions with their kids. I want you to grow up to be happy, but not at the expense of others or their happiness. Obviously I want you to be 100000000% healthy. I want you be a good person and find out what that means for you. You seem to have inherited my laid back nature, which thrills both of us to no end. I hope that continues for the rest of your life. I want you to understand that family is the greatest thing in the world and yours will never, ever leave you. I hope you have a passion that drives you on and makes you feel truly fulfilled. I hope you retain some of the the kid in you well into your adulthood. I hope you remember that you're never too old to have a dream and to pursue it. I just want you to be whoever you're meant to be. There's some of your mom in you, some of me in you and, inevitably, there will be some of your other family members that show up in you (you already have your grandma's hair). I want you to know that I love you more than I have ever loved anything or anyone. You are the absolute love of my life and I am reminded of that every time you look at me. There is nothing I would not do for you. And I hope to be around for the next sixty years or so to watch you grow and change and become your own person. I love you. ~Daddy
