I learned a new term yesterday - object constancy. What is that? It's being able to have a positive emotional bond with someone even when you're upset with them. And it's something that narcissists lack. Typically if you have a fight with someone, you're able to calm yourself down a bit because you see the big picture and you value that person too much to throw everything away over something petty. But a narcissist is consumed by their feelings in the moment and how they feel about that person in the moment is all they can focus on. They're literally incapable of anything else. A paragraph that spoke to me:
"A narcissist sees you as a worthy target, then they love bomb you into thinking they were your perfect match. They target strong, successful people to prey on partly because they like a challenge. However, then they start breaking down your spirit with their abusive, gaslighting behavior, then discard you suddenly and brutally."
The article went on to explain that people involved with narcissists often describe the person as "Jekyll and Hyde" and able to turn on you in an instant. It added that narcissists are able to quickly move on from even the nastiest of arguments, sometimes pretending they didn't even happen, because they never take responsibility for their own actions. They lack empathy and attachment so it's easy for them to move from issue to issue. How does one come to lack object constancy? It's not yet fully known, but is believed to stem from a combination of nature and nurture. People who were abused as children or grew up in dysfunctional environments are more likely to have object constancy issues. And narcissism is not a temporary condition. Narcissists cannot change so the only way to deal with them is to be on your way.
As I read this article, I felt a wave of negativity wash over me. It wasn't until the very end of my association with BP that I began to see her for the narcissist she was, but every damn thing in this article was a carbon copy of her MO. Long before I knew what she was, I described her as Jekyll and Hyde. I once asked how she just moves on from shit without discussion and she said she didn't know. And I thought that was BS at the time, but now I believe it. It makes sense that she never wanted to discuss shit she'd done wrong because that would mean having to take responsibility for her part in things and narcissists don't like to do that. I remember her telling me she didn't remember even the nastiest of our fights after we'd made up and how she thought that was a great thing. And I remember thinking that was odd because I remembered them quite vividly and took more than five minutes to come down from them. I chalked that up to a difference in personality when it was actually the difference between being a narcissist and being normal. It also explains why she always went for the jugular in fights and could not be reasoned with on a human level when she was upset. I'd assumed it was because of her rough childhood, and in a way it was, but not how I thought. Had I realized sooner that she was the textbook definition of a narcissist, had I seen this kind of article laying everything out so clearly back then, I would've run for the hills immediately. Because she did break my spirit. She did wear me down and have me thinking I needed her, even when she was completely MIA and didn't give a damn about anyone but herself.
In our death throes, I told BP I was operating under the assumption I was single until she got her shit together. It was during this time I dated someone who was more than a decade younger than her but far more functional and mature. The Youngin' was an old soul and was one of the people to pull me out of the seemingly endless telenovela I was trapped in at the time. We were sitting in a bar one night talking and she told me a beautiful story about how her step-dad had basically been the only father she'd ever known and had raised her as if she were his own flesh and blood. Her birth father had issues and was out of her life from a very young age, but her step-dad swooped in and taught her how a man should treat a woman and taught her never to settle for anything less than that. It changed her life and shaped her outlook. Once I went home that night, I thought about the contrast between her and BP, who was also raised by a step-father for a time. Completely opposite experiences had landed them on completely opposite ends of the spectrum. The Youngin' was, well, a youngin' but knew what she wanted and knew not to settle for anything less than magic. I knew never to settle but was waiting for the magic. BP, unfortunately, was never capable of recognizing or producing such magic. And that's...sad. It made me realize how deeply our upbringings run through us. We don't know it as kids, but those younger years impact so many areas of our lives, sometimes for the rest of our lives. And it's sad when people with difficult upbringings can't, or choose not to, escape them.
