Today I became the parent of a four-year-old. FOUR. Even I can't believe it. Girl is the absolute love of my life and I cannot imagine life without her. That said, I am having a bit of a crisis. Until now, I've been the parent of a toddler. Now, she's a big girl, an actual kid and not a toddler anymore. I pointed this out to my mom, who felt the need to tell me to suck it up because she had two four-year-olds AND a three-year-old to deal with at one point (and of course that's my fault since I wasn't supposed to be there to begin with). My sister explained to me that most people with a four-year-old either have younger kids or older kids that take away the sting of the kid aging up. And that's a good point. I only have one kid, so everything is magnified in a way. My sister has three and when the oldest (who will be 13(!) in two weeks) turned 4, the next one was on the verge of celebrating his first birthday. I don't have another kid to take the spotlight off my girl, so every milestone is amplified because who knows if I'll have anymore. But I would not trade sharing in any of those milestones for the world. And I'm certainly not going to stop writing to (and about) my favorite little person in the universe.
People say you don't really understand love until you become a parent. I would kind of agree with that. But I kinda disagree too. I think you can absolutely know what love is before you have kids and you can experience love, obviously. But it's just a different kind of love when you become a parent. The only time you can actually experience love at first sight (in my opinion) is when you first lay eyes on your child. You don't know who this little person is or who they will become but you love them so much that you'd die for them. And suddenly you're responsible for this little being and they need you to do literally everything for them. Until they don't anymore, because they get older and more independent. Instead of being a superhero that they think can do anything in the world, you're a big dork who is way more excited about building a fort than someone your age should be. But that's okay, circle of life and all that biz. Next year she'll be in school and she'll need me even less than she does now. But the upside is that as she gets older, we'll be able to experience more things together. I can't wait to take her to sporting events and have her actually be engaged in them (rather than going because of the ice cream and then passing out in a diabetic coma mid-way through), if that's something she wants to do. I very much look forward to spending days at museums and talking about what we see, (she already attempts to do this). All good things.
I remember spending summers back home with the fam and having these seemingly never ending BBQ's and hearing them talk about how fast kids grow up. Being that I was one of the kids at the time, I didn't pay much attention to what they meant. In fact, I remember thinking that they must be joking because to me it seemed like it was taking forever for me to age up. But now I get what they meant. It does go by way too fast. You think that those 18 years seem like such a long time, but they fly by. So I guess the key is to just enjoy them as much as you can. Because they will grow and change and become who they're meant to become. You hold on to the little moments and you hope you do enough in those 18 years that, by the time they leave you, they're more than ready for what's ahead. But, of course, you don't stop being a parent just because they leave the nest. Having a kid does in fact change everything. But I wouldn't have it any other way. (Even when I trip over a misplaced toy in the middle of the night while trying to get to the bathroom. Like last night.)
So, Miss N, what do I want to say to you on your fourth birthday? So much. You are a little ball of energy. You have a remarkable ability to sense when something is not right, (although this does not always stop you from doing it). You love Legos (hey, who doesn't?) and animals and putting everything you own in your little backpack. You're growing increasingly resistant to wearing dresses, even on holidays. You have begun to realize that when my cellphone beeps or vibrates, it takes my attention off of you and you don't like that at all. At the same time, you don't seem to mind sharing me if you approve of the person or people we're with.
You are no longer obsessed with monkeys but are newly obsessed with Buzz Lightyear and think it's hysterical when I call him 'Buzz Lightbeer'. You're the best thing to ever happen to me. And I can't wait to see where you and I go from here. I love you VERY, VERY much. Happy Birthday kiddo!!
