Thanksgiving

I can't believe Turkey Day is right around the corner already. Then comes Christmas. It all seems to sneak up now but, as a friend of mine was saying last week, when you're a kid, it seems to take FOREVER to get to Christmas. And, really, as a youngster you're in it mostly for the gifts. It's not until you're older that you appreciate the broader picture, as with most things in life. But I used to love the holidays when I was little because I got to just run around and be crazy with my cousins. It's almost the same reason I love them now. Thanksgiving was slightly traumatizing to me as a child because one year my Grandma and Mom tried to cook a full turkey on their own. lol It was hysterical. No bird, alive or not, should have to go through what that poor turkey did. But it's a sad holiday too because my Grandma died a few years later the week before Thanksgiving. It's hard to lose anyone at anytime but around the holidays is the worst. I remember the last month and a half of that year being so...out of focus for everyone. We celebrated and all, but it just hasn't ever been quite the same since. For years, after my Grandma's death, we spent the holiday at my Great Grandparents house. I loved that house, we all did. It wasn't massive but it had a basement with a bar and dance floor and a second living room and kitchen. We spent so many years down there just being together. I remember the Christmas tree in the corner and the pictures of all of us kids on the dance floor opening our gifts. All beautiful memories from a pretty damn good childhood. My Great Grandparents sold that house a few years back and, this year, Grandma passed away and Grandpa's moved out of state.
After they sold the house, we started doing Thanksgiving at a hall every year because there were so freakin' many of us and because my family practically adopts anyone and everyone. It was fun, the annual football games and the karaoke and dancing. But last year, we kinda all got off track and busy with other things and totally spaced out reserving the hall. So we had to have it at the family house, which is quite the party house as it is but we always thought it would be small for the number of people we have every year. It turns out it was pretty nice last year on Thanksgiving so we could spill out into the yard and we all had a pretty damn good time. It wasn't cramped at all. This year, both Christmas and Thanksgiving are gonna be at the house again. But we're much better prepared, should the weather not cooperate as well as it did last year. The basement is finally finished and looks very much like the Great Grandparents old basement, except it is quite a bit bigger and has a karaoke stage now. lol. And if we need the extra room, there's this big...I don't know what you'd call it, outside temporary addition, to the house. So, even if it does snow or rain or whatever, we're pretty much covered up and don't have to worry.
It's nice to have everyone at the house though. It's typically a very busy household on a daily basis anyway, but around the holidays it works out if someone can't drive home or just doesn't want to. No one has to clean up a hall and then go home to chill out. We can just chill out all day, eat and then do whatever the heck else we want to. This year will still be sadder than the last few. We lost three wonderful women this year and, to make matters worse for me, I found some pictures in the attic yesterday of a few years back on Thanksgiving. My Nonnie added her traditional Italian feast to the mix and, my God, no one ate for days afterwards. lol. We were too full. And that's another thing we'll miss this year.
But there are new things coming into the fold at this Thanksgiving. The mother of my child didn't grow up in a strong family environment and she really wants that for our kid. It'll start this year, she's coming to the feast. We're still very much undefined as a couple or whatever we are but we're still managing to work together on all things baby. It's crazy to think that we'll actually have a baby at the family parties next year.

The Wedding

This year has been a very good one for my sister and brother. Both became engaged to their middle school sweethearts after long relationships and a couple of kids. My sister and her partner have been together ten years. When they met, he was my friend and he took an instant liking to her and she didn't wanna give him the time of day. It was only after about a month or so that she agreed to go out with him and they've been joined at the hip every since. They had my beautiful niece when they were 19 and then four years later, in the midst of all the drama with my accident and deaths and all that, they had a son. They never talked about getting married just because they had kids. His parents had done that and it was an ill-fated union from the start and it still haunts him today in some ways. Finally, in August of this year, he proposed on the exact day, to the exact hour, of their first date. (He was gonna do the day they met, but then remembered that day did not go well). They're still very much on the fence about actually getting married but, for now, the engagement seems to be working well for them.
My little brother and his..I guess, now it would be wife, met when they were 12. We used to do this after-care program thing at our Catholic school while my mom was at work, but my brother rarely had to go since he had baseball practice everyday. One day it got rained out and he had to come downstairs with the rest of us and he met one of my friends from the program and it was the total 'love at first sight' meeting, (if you believe in all that like they do, I don't). They've rarely spent more days apart than they absolutely have to since and they have a 5-year-old little boy together. Their first child was also unexpected and they were young (kinda runs in the family), but they didn't freak out and go get hitched, they knew they weren't ready. Back in May, they became engaged. And on Saturday they finally did seal the deal after about thirteen years, most of them as a couple. I was best man at the wedding and it felt...weird. Somehow it's been harder to let go, for lack of a better word, of my sister as she's grown up. We're twins, so we've always been very close, but I think I learned to kinda let go a little when they had their daughter. But my brother has always been my little brother, you know? He's always been one of the babies to me because he's the third youngest out of all of us kids. But the last few years, he's gone through some subtle but, in the end, dramatic changes as a person and I could not be more proud of who he is now.
Obviously, you think when you're growing up that things are gonna happen in a specific order when you get to be adults. I was born second, so I'll get to do everything second, he'll be third and my sister will be first. She was first, to her credit. lol, I'm the one that messed up all the order. But I'm not freaking out about it. Honestly, even if I did want to get married, I wouldn't do it until I was around 30 or so. Not because of the statistics or anything. But because I'd really want to be sure about the person. But now, despite the year full or weddings, I'm even more sure I don't want to go down that route. If I'm with someone whom I love (who may or may not be in my life right now) and she loves me and we work everything out that comes our way and we're both happy, then why should we change anything just because society says you have to be married? Sure, it adds years to your life, supposedly. But when it's your time, it's your time folks. I don't see anything wrong with being committed to one another and being committed to your family and life together but not being married. All of this comes up because, inevitably, I had to deal with the marriage questions from extended family at the wedding. And it was especially odd, given the weird situation in which I find myself. Most of my close family knows that I have no intentions of getting hitched in this lifetime, but the extended doesn't really need to know right now. So they ask all of the 'when's your turn?', and 'when are you gonna marry the mother of your child?' questions every chance they get. And now I can just ignore it. It doesn't make me feel bad or any less to go to these family functions and hear the questions. It used to. But not anymore. That's some progress, huh?

I'd Be Done With Me Too

The more I think I'm starting to get past everything, the more it just comes back and smack me upside the head. It's not as bad as it was. I mean, I don't think I could get that low ever again. Not without some kind of major push (again). But I've come to realize that I was so incredibly screwed up by the past that it's still causing me issues. Every relationship I've ever had has had at least one obstacle and, somewhere in my subconscious, I know that it's not gonna stick because of that obstacle. So, even if it is a serious relationship, some part of me knows it's not gonna last. Whether I want it to or not.
And now, I'm caught in the middle of a ridiculous situation. The one I've wanted all along finally wants me and I'm avoiding it because I'm expecting a child with someone else (who also wants me). What a problem to have, I know, is what you're probably thinking but it really is a pain in the ass. I know parenthood is gonna force me to not be selfish and I'm already thinking in terms of 'we' and 'us' on that front. The mother of my child and I have been back and forth about trying a relationship and we decided last week to play it by ear, which means we're not together right now. So the one I want moved in and tried to pick up our relationship again about a week ago and we had a fight because I tried to push her away. I apologized and things moved on and it was nice. And then, inevitably, I screwed up again and she stormed out and now she won't take my calls. Not that I blame her. I used to have a girlfriend who would constantly push me and when I pushed back, it drove me nuts to have to do it at all but I did. Now, I'm the one constantly pushing and she's pushing back and standing her ground. And she's so stubborn...yeah, I know, so am I. But she thinks this could work, baby drama and all, and she's actually applying herself and trying to push us forward. But I put up this wall. And I don't know how to stop.

Memory Loss

You know that show on ABC called "Samantha Who?" It's about this chick who gets hit by a car and goes into a coma and then wakes up with major memory loss and goes about trying to figure out who she was before the accident. Turns out, she was not a nice person before she got nailed. I bring this all up because my girlfriend (just seeing how it sounds) is hooked on this show and I've started watching to sort of check for accuracy, I guess. My memory loss was not as severe as hers is on the show, but there are definite similarities. So far, it seems to be about right. Except it was a lot less comedic when I finally woke up.
When I came out of my coma, I remembered who I was and who the people in my life were. Most of what I lost is memories of the past. I lost a lot of my early childhood and some of my teen years. It's one of those things that you really don't appreciate until you lose it. Thankfully, I have a best friend who was there my entire life and has endless patience when it comes to reminding me of what I'm missing in my mind. But the last few months or so I've had these...flashbacks, I guess, for lack of a better word and I've been slowly getting back some of what I lost. Some of them are of things I've been reminded of the last five years by friends or family, except now I'm seeing them through my own eyes. Others are things that were completely wiped out when the crash happened that I'm remembering and confirming with the people in my life that they actually happened to me. lol Some of the things I've flashed back to have been from t.v. shows I saw when I was little. But most of them have been legitimate.
I never expected to gain any of my old memories though. I was told it may or may not happen and it could happen at anytime but there really was very little optimism in any of those words. So to have all of this coming back to me is a little odd. Typically, all of these flashbacks happen when I'm asleep, they're more like dreams that are actually real. But yesterday I had one right in the middle of the day, during a meeting, and I didn't have any choice but to pay attention to it. I don't know if I really want to remember certain things I've been getting back. If it were up to me I would be getting back the ability to recall short-term stuff rather than some of the older stuff. If only it worked that way...

Manners

Okay this is probably gonna sound like a rant from an old man but I don't care. lol.
Yesterday I picked up my niece from school and her teacher came over to talk to me. She started talking about her grades and how well she's doing and all that stuff and then she said, "And it's so nice to see a child that respects their elders and says 'Thank you' and 'Please'." I just kinda nodded and we left for home but I was kinda taken aback by what she said. I wasn't aware that so many kids these days lacked manners. I've been to her school several times before but I never really noticed the actions of the other kids. But I did start to pay closer attention last night when I went out shopping for Halloween stuff and later on at the party/haunted house. I was behind this woman at the grocery store with two kids, about eight and six, who were running around grabbing things and screaming. One of them knocked the bag that the lady was filling up off the side of the checkstand and cans flew everywhere. The lady picked them all up as the mom just watched and didn't say a thing to the kids. Then as they were leaving, she told the kids to say thank you to the woman who had done the bagging and they both screamed "No!" and took off out the doors. It was embarrassing to just about everyone in the store. And I'm pretty sure her kids get away with that crap all the time, judging by the way she handled this incident.
At the party, things seemed much better. About 99% of the kids that came and went were polite and said 'Please' and 'Thank you' and everybody had a great time. I don't know if manners just aren't valued the same way anymore in this society or what, but in my family it's not an option of whether or not you WANT to be polite or respectful. That's just the way it is. I remember even as I got to high school, and as I started working, I would get a lot of compliments on being polite and saying "Sir" and "Ma'am". I've never known it any other way. But apparently that isn't the norm with all families, which, yeah, I get that my family is not normal. lol. If you've met them, then you know. But my kid is gonna have manners, and I would hope they pass that on to their kids as well.