The more I think I'm starting to get past everything, the more it just comes back and smack me upside the head. It's not as bad as it was. I mean, I don't think I could get that low ever again. Not without some kind of major push (again). But I've come to realize that I was so incredibly screwed up by the past that it's still causing me issues. Every relationship I've ever had has had at least one obstacle and, somewhere in my subconscious, I know that it's not gonna stick because of that obstacle. So, even if it is a serious relationship, some part of me knows it's not gonna last. Whether I want it to or not.
And now, I'm caught in the middle of a ridiculous situation. The one I've wanted all along finally wants me and I'm avoiding it because I'm expecting a child with someone else (who also wants me). What a problem to have, I know, is what you're probably thinking but it really is a pain in the ass. I know parenthood is gonna force me to not be selfish and I'm already thinking in terms of 'we' and 'us' on that front. The mother of my child and I have been back and forth about trying a relationship and we decided last week to play it by ear, which means we're not together right now. So the one I want moved in and tried to pick up our relationship again about a week ago and we had a fight because I tried to push her away. I apologized and things moved on and it was nice. And then, inevitably, I screwed up again and she stormed out and now she won't take my calls. Not that I blame her. I used to have a girlfriend who would constantly push me and when I pushed back, it drove me nuts to have to do it at all but I did. Now, I'm the one constantly pushing and she's pushing back and standing her ground. And she's so stubborn...yeah, I know, so am I. But she thinks this could work, baby drama and all, and she's actually applying herself and trying to push us forward. But I put up this wall. And I don't know how to stop.
