First off, I have to say thank you to my amazing friends and family who succeeded in throwing my teenager a surprise birthday party this weekend. We had absolutely no clue until the afternoon of that anything was going on and it turned out to be awesome. I love you guys.
Second, my trip to New Orleans is officially off until at least late next week, unless yet another hurricane sets its sights on that part of the country. Hopefully, people get out safely and it isn't a repeat of Katrina (FEMA already showed up, so we're one better already but we'll see how they do this time).
And third, and most troubling, I found out that one of my friends is unknowingly dating one of my ex-girlfriends. This friend and I have been down a long, sometimes hellish, road together over the last 17 years. We fell out in 2005 when he basically discovered that I wasn't Superman and I couldn't fix everything, the way he always thought I could. His addictions were another factor. He finally went into rehab last year and spent almost the entire year cleaning himself up. We started talking and doing therapy sessions for his recovery in December and it has helped our relationship so much more than I thought it would. We're in a nice place right now. We're not as close as we used to be and we'll probably never be that close again but that's fine with us. Things change and evolve and you deal with it.
The ex-girlfriend is one of the more forgettable parts of my life. I admit it was totally lust on my part and we dated for about three months or so. It was a time when my demons were getting the best of me and I shouldn't have stuck around as long as I did. She wanted more. She wanted to be a legitimate couple and give it a shot and, unfortunately, she fell in love with me. And I didn't feel the same way at all and she knew it but she refused to walk away. I think part of the reason she liked me so much was because her parents, mostly mom, hated me. She was only around 23 or 24 when we were dating and she was still living with her parents and I remember thinking to myself at the time, "What the f*ck am I doing?". She was the first person I ever dated who was younger than me. I finally broke it off and we lingered for awhile until I finally had to just get mean and tell her we were done. She still tried to convince me to try again for nearly a year afterward. She's one of those who thinks she can "save" someone and I didn't need to be saved.
We dated at a time when I wasn't speaking to my friend so he really has no clue who or what I did during those few years we had sporadic contact. Imagine my shock yesterday morning when I ran by his place to pick up something and he introduced me to her and said they'd met at work a few days ago and were technically on a date when I came by. She and I had a second alone and what was said was not pretty but essentially came down to she tells him or I will. It's not a coincidence like I know she's gonna try and play it off as. She knew we were friends before she started dating him. I don't believe she's with him because he's her type. He's much worse off than I am and I know she doesn't wanna deal with his issues and his recovery. I don't even think she really understands what it's like to live with someone who's in recovery. I don't know what the motive is here, I know it isn't to get to me. Although, you could see the wind knocked outta her sails when I told her I have a child and a girlfriend, so who knows. I guess I'm just thrown because I want to protect him. He's doing so well and I don't wanna jeopardize how far we've come and I don't want him to get hurt. He has no clue about any of this. I know when he finds out about us, he's gonna end it and I'm worried she's not going to "get around" to saying anything and then it's anybody's guess how he's gonna feel about her by then. *sigh* Never a dull moment in this court...
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Friday, August 29, 2008
Election
I'm not usually one to get too involved in politics but, like many others in 2008, this particular presidential election has me hooked. I've voted in every major election since I was 18 years old and my teenager is eligible to vote for the first time this fall and is very involved already in choosing a candidate based on the issues. I'm proud of the way she's choosing to make her decision based on what the candidates say they're going to do if elected, rather than basing it on an emotional decision or getting swept up in anyone's hype. She's been much more mature about it than most older adults I've heard talk about this election.
I was a Hillary supporter from day one. People talk about Bill having been a liability for her but I think most of them are thinking about his personal life rather than what he did for us as president. I never had anything against Barack Obama. I've met him twice and he's a wonderful guy with an amazing story that epitomizes the American dream. He's breaking down racial barriers and he's a candidate that so many young people can relate to. He came from a broken home, spent some time on welfare and has risen above it all to achieve what he always felt he could. But, like so many people did and still do, I questioned whether he was ready to lead an entire nation because he didn't have much experience.
Both Barack and Hillary symbolize the same thing - change. If she'd become the nominee, it would have knocked down the door for women today and for future generations. Now that he's the nominee, it knocks down the door for minorities. You can now look your daughters in the eye and tell them they can be president someday and mean it and know it could actually happen. The same with your African American, Hispanic or Bi-Racial sons. The game changes from here on out because of both Hillary and Barack.
Now the question is whether or not Barack did enough last night to get elected in November. When Hillary dropped out and asked her supporters to support him, I did just that because their policies are 99% the same and I completely agree that the Democrats need to take back the White House (despite the fact that I'm not registered to either party). I'd hoped that he would choose Hillary as his running mate. It would have all but sunk McCain because right now Barack have Hillary's 18 million supporters without question, instead of having to fight for them and watch some flock to McCain out of bitterness (which is so petty, by the way).
This week I've watched most of the convention (and it's awesome that such a historic night took place in my hometown) and I've also watched some of the news shows where people phone in and give their take on things. Many who called in were women who said they would not vote for Obama because he's too easygoing or young or because he beat Clinton and did not choose her to run with him. They were gonna vote for McCain or not vote at all just because Hillary did not win. How juvenile is that? It's like the country is full of hormonal, emotional teenagers in adult bodies. First, as my mom always says, if you don't vote than you can't complain in the next four years about what goes on and how the country fares, because you did not take the time to have a say in who would run the country. I have not heard one person who was voting Hillary and now McCain say they're voting for him based on his plans once he takes office. Very few people seem to be voting on the issues and not on personality or hurt feelings or race or anything else. It almost makes me sick to think McCain could win based on scare tactics and women who are bitter about who the Democratic nominee is not.
When Joe Biden was chosen, I didn't know a whole lot about him. After some research and watching his speech, there is very little the McCain camp can attack him on. Yes, I may be somewhat partial to Biden because of what happened to him several years ago. I can relate in so many ways, but that's not what it's about. I think he was a safe choice for Obama. He's proven that he is a true family man and that he does want to fight for change and for what is right. The McCain camp would have had a field day with attack ads about Hillary but they can't with Biden. So far I've only seen one that talks about how he misspoke in the past but now that he's admitted to battling speech issues all of his life, that ad is the equivalent of making fun of such an issue. That just looks like bullying. I may not like that Hillary didn't win the nomination or the vp spot and it irks me to no end that I feel like Barack didn't choose her mostly out of hurt feelings of some sort, but that doesn't affect me like it has some people. Things need to change. Now, I have nothing against John McCain. While I do not agree with what he's done in his personal life (cheating on his injured wife, seven houses he can't keep track of, the amazing robotic stepford wife Cindy, the list goes on) I appreciate what he did for his country and think it's horrible what he endured while in captivity. But I feel like part of his campaign is reminding people of that time and insinuating that you owe him a vote because of it. Just because you served bravely in the service does not make you anymore ready to run a country than someone who did not. I'm surprised that he refuses to set a timeline on the war, knowing what those soldiers are enduring everyday. No one doubts that he loves his country and that he has done some good things for it in the past. But he wants to keep things the same as they have been the last 8 years, when that is obviously not working and never has. I like John McCain. I just do not want him to be my president. Had he run back when everyone was urging him to, we maybe would have avoided Bush altogether and, depending on who was opposing him, McCain maybe would have gotten my vote. But not now.
John McCain is like 900 years old. I've thought from the beginning of this election that the choice of running mates on both sides was extremely important. For Obama, because of his age and his lack of experience. And for McCain because of his age. He's had some health issues in the past and he's an older gentlemen. It is very likely that he could die in office and then his vp pick would be running the show. Of course, no one is wishing this on him and I think he'll be okay the next four years but you have to consider the possibility. Obama did well in choosing someone who had the experience he lacked on foreign policy. McCain I do not think did well in choosing someone who could take over if needed. A female governor from Alaska. Yes, she has more experience running things than Obama but on the other hand, it's Alaska. We all know that he chose a woman because he's going after Hillary's supporters, especially those who are itching for a reason to justify their vote for McCain. I don't think Palin is ready to run the entire country if she needed to. But I think that now more people will vote for him because his running mate is a woman. Now, it's a legitimate race.
In the end, it's such a complicated election that is also very simple. Blue = Change. Red = Bush's Reign Continues. That's it. That's all that it ends up as. When you break it down and ask yourself what kind of world you want your kids or the kids you may have in the next four years to come into, I don't know of many people that would want them to come into the one we live in now. Of course, the Mayans believed the world would end in 2012 so maybe it's best not to bring any kids into the world until after that. Just to be on the safe side.
I was a Hillary supporter from day one. People talk about Bill having been a liability for her but I think most of them are thinking about his personal life rather than what he did for us as president. I never had anything against Barack Obama. I've met him twice and he's a wonderful guy with an amazing story that epitomizes the American dream. He's breaking down racial barriers and he's a candidate that so many young people can relate to. He came from a broken home, spent some time on welfare and has risen above it all to achieve what he always felt he could. But, like so many people did and still do, I questioned whether he was ready to lead an entire nation because he didn't have much experience.
Both Barack and Hillary symbolize the same thing - change. If she'd become the nominee, it would have knocked down the door for women today and for future generations. Now that he's the nominee, it knocks down the door for minorities. You can now look your daughters in the eye and tell them they can be president someday and mean it and know it could actually happen. The same with your African American, Hispanic or Bi-Racial sons. The game changes from here on out because of both Hillary and Barack.
Now the question is whether or not Barack did enough last night to get elected in November. When Hillary dropped out and asked her supporters to support him, I did just that because their policies are 99% the same and I completely agree that the Democrats need to take back the White House (despite the fact that I'm not registered to either party). I'd hoped that he would choose Hillary as his running mate. It would have all but sunk McCain because right now Barack have Hillary's 18 million supporters without question, instead of having to fight for them and watch some flock to McCain out of bitterness (which is so petty, by the way).
This week I've watched most of the convention (and it's awesome that such a historic night took place in my hometown) and I've also watched some of the news shows where people phone in and give their take on things. Many who called in were women who said they would not vote for Obama because he's too easygoing or young or because he beat Clinton and did not choose her to run with him. They were gonna vote for McCain or not vote at all just because Hillary did not win. How juvenile is that? It's like the country is full of hormonal, emotional teenagers in adult bodies. First, as my mom always says, if you don't vote than you can't complain in the next four years about what goes on and how the country fares, because you did not take the time to have a say in who would run the country. I have not heard one person who was voting Hillary and now McCain say they're voting for him based on his plans once he takes office. Very few people seem to be voting on the issues and not on personality or hurt feelings or race or anything else. It almost makes me sick to think McCain could win based on scare tactics and women who are bitter about who the Democratic nominee is not.
When Joe Biden was chosen, I didn't know a whole lot about him. After some research and watching his speech, there is very little the McCain camp can attack him on. Yes, I may be somewhat partial to Biden because of what happened to him several years ago. I can relate in so many ways, but that's not what it's about. I think he was a safe choice for Obama. He's proven that he is a true family man and that he does want to fight for change and for what is right. The McCain camp would have had a field day with attack ads about Hillary but they can't with Biden. So far I've only seen one that talks about how he misspoke in the past but now that he's admitted to battling speech issues all of his life, that ad is the equivalent of making fun of such an issue. That just looks like bullying. I may not like that Hillary didn't win the nomination or the vp spot and it irks me to no end that I feel like Barack didn't choose her mostly out of hurt feelings of some sort, but that doesn't affect me like it has some people. Things need to change. Now, I have nothing against John McCain. While I do not agree with what he's done in his personal life (cheating on his injured wife, seven houses he can't keep track of, the amazing robotic stepford wife Cindy, the list goes on) I appreciate what he did for his country and think it's horrible what he endured while in captivity. But I feel like part of his campaign is reminding people of that time and insinuating that you owe him a vote because of it. Just because you served bravely in the service does not make you anymore ready to run a country than someone who did not. I'm surprised that he refuses to set a timeline on the war, knowing what those soldiers are enduring everyday. No one doubts that he loves his country and that he has done some good things for it in the past. But he wants to keep things the same as they have been the last 8 years, when that is obviously not working and never has. I like John McCain. I just do not want him to be my president. Had he run back when everyone was urging him to, we maybe would have avoided Bush altogether and, depending on who was opposing him, McCain maybe would have gotten my vote. But not now.
John McCain is like 900 years old. I've thought from the beginning of this election that the choice of running mates on both sides was extremely important. For Obama, because of his age and his lack of experience. And for McCain because of his age. He's had some health issues in the past and he's an older gentlemen. It is very likely that he could die in office and then his vp pick would be running the show. Of course, no one is wishing this on him and I think he'll be okay the next four years but you have to consider the possibility. Obama did well in choosing someone who had the experience he lacked on foreign policy. McCain I do not think did well in choosing someone who could take over if needed. A female governor from Alaska. Yes, she has more experience running things than Obama but on the other hand, it's Alaska. We all know that he chose a woman because he's going after Hillary's supporters, especially those who are itching for a reason to justify their vote for McCain. I don't think Palin is ready to run the entire country if she needed to. But I think that now more people will vote for him because his running mate is a woman. Now, it's a legitimate race.
In the end, it's such a complicated election that is also very simple. Blue = Change. Red = Bush's Reign Continues. That's it. That's all that it ends up as. When you break it down and ask yourself what kind of world you want your kids or the kids you may have in the next four years to come into, I don't know of many people that would want them to come into the one we live in now. Of course, the Mayans believed the world would end in 2012 so maybe it's best not to bring any kids into the world until after that. Just to be on the safe side.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Panic
I started thinking about my relationships in the past. Trying to figure out what the real issues were and why they ended the way they did. I've only really had three major romantic relationships in my life that truly meant something to me. One lasted almost eight years (on/off) but was turbulent most of the time, the second was an engagement and lasted eight months and the third is currently in progress. I don't think I've ever gotten over the first one, for so many reasons, but I have learned to move past it. But it took a long time. So for a long time I drifted. I hit the party scene hard and drifted from woman to woman. There were "relationships" here and there in that time, but nothing significant. A lot of coulda beens. When 2005 rolled around, I decided to not live that way anymore and try and just not deal with dating at all. Then, I got together with a friend I'd known for a long time and we got engaged (too fast) and then that fell apart and happened to coincide with everything else collapsing my world at the time. After that ended and I found out why it had ended, I went on yet another dating binge, this time mixed with depression (though I didn't get treatment for it, likely making my issues worse). Again, I didn't apply myself and went person to person. Then, last year I got to a point where I was just sick of it all. I'd tried dating yet another friend and she's one of the most amazing people on earth but I just could not stop hurting her. That was a bit of a wake up call and I started figuring out how to be alone and not go after someone just because I knew I could get her. After every major break-up, it's like I'd go into panic mode. I used to work on this timetable of how I needed to be settled by some certain point in my life. Since I decided to throw that out, I've been much happier. Even better than that is that there are (for the most part) no more shadows, no demons I can't keep silenced.
And my relationship is seriously benefitting from my growth. This is our second time around but it doesn't feel that way because we're such different people now. Everything flows so easily between us. We've got new interests and new things that we want to pursue and we want to do them together. Every few months, I head out of town or the country for a charity excursion of some kind (I'm hoping that this hurricane doesn't hit New Orleans since that's my destination at the end of next week). And I've never really felt like I could share my efforts with anyone I wasn't related to. Some of my girlfriends have been...not self-centered but not as willing to donate their time to some causes. It always felt like I was holding a part of myself back because I couldn't just go out and pick a cause and start working. But she is all for this kind of thing and it's amazing to share that with her and, eventually, our child. I'm a lucky, lucky boy.
And my relationship is seriously benefitting from my growth. This is our second time around but it doesn't feel that way because we're such different people now. Everything flows so easily between us. We've got new interests and new things that we want to pursue and we want to do them together. Every few months, I head out of town or the country for a charity excursion of some kind (I'm hoping that this hurricane doesn't hit New Orleans since that's my destination at the end of next week). And I've never really felt like I could share my efforts with anyone I wasn't related to. Some of my girlfriends have been...not self-centered but not as willing to donate their time to some causes. It always felt like I was holding a part of myself back because I couldn't just go out and pick a cause and start working. But she is all for this kind of thing and it's amazing to share that with her and, eventually, our child. I'm a lucky, lucky boy.
Monday, August 25, 2008
I Dare You
What it is about those words that makes some people have to take the dare? It's always like a big thing when you're a kid, if you get a dare you have to do it or you're a chicken. I readily admit to being a chicken about some things. No failed dare needed. This weekend I received a dare from my best friend. We've been back and forth about getting a certain tattoo (no, not our name or b-days or anything that stupid) and I was kind of the holdout. Not for any real reason, just busy I guess. So she walks me to the outside of a tattoo parlor and dares me to go in and get this tattoo. And I take the bait. It ended up being so much fun because the artist is a guy who has done my tattoos before (and won't be happy until he does one in color) and his wife. It was like some kind of party. Music playing, everyone having a good time. I have to say, as always, he did a damn good job and I can't wait until they heal. On the upside, we both got them in places that our parents shouldn't find out about. Well, not until next summer anyway. So Mom shouldn't beat me immediately. It's an addiction, I tell ya. Once you get one, you start thinking of the next and so on.
On the subject of parents, remember that friend of mine who I coulda been more with (a.k.a. the infamous letter writer)? Well her mom and my uncle are still very much together and came out to visit me this weekend. I went out yesterday to lunch with them and my brother and sister-in-law and nephew. We've all come to terms with the fact that they are a "couple" and they're going to be together a lot of the time. It's worked out kind of perfectly, I guess. They still insist that neither of them wants to get married. She's been married once before, he's never been married and I think it's a good thing they don't wanna be because frankly it takes a lot to "tame" a member of my family. We're all incredibly independent and sometimes it's hard to find someone who can handle that some things don't change. Anyway, we went on an impromptu furniture shopping excursion after lunch because our place needs a new kid-friendly couch. As we're walking around looking at stuff and trying out couches, apparently the elders are having some sort of slight disagreement on the other side of the store. So we all end up sitting on two couches and a chair, in different "rooms" of the store discussing which couch we like. The parents weren't saying much because it's not their living room, it's my living room. Then all of a sudden, my uncle says, rather loudly, "I don't know what the big deal is" towards his...let's say, partner since girlfriend sounds creepy. We all look at him and ask what's going on and she tries to get him to not talk but he does and tells us that he asked her to live together like ten minutes ago while looking at bedroom furniture. And she was, understandably, taken aback and hadn't answered. So here we are sitting in the middle of a furniture store on a Sunday afternoon, first stunned and then saying things like, "Are you crazy?" and "No, this is not gonna happen" to our uncle. Meanwhile, life goes on around us and people are hearing this little family spat. So we leave, couch-less and a little freaked out, and make the long drive back home in almost complete silence.
After the parents left, everyone started to talk about what went down. The conversation was long but I finally concluded to myself that I just don't care. It did bother me when they first got together but now it doesn't. Ironically, it does bother my letter writing friend and she was the one laughing when they started dating. So...whatever they do, I just want them to be happy. Last night I was discussing all this with my best friend and she shook her head and said,"What was he thinking?" and I couldn't help myself. My reply was, "I know...he should have dared her to move in with him."
On the subject of parents, remember that friend of mine who I coulda been more with (a.k.a. the infamous letter writer)? Well her mom and my uncle are still very much together and came out to visit me this weekend. I went out yesterday to lunch with them and my brother and sister-in-law and nephew. We've all come to terms with the fact that they are a "couple" and they're going to be together a lot of the time. It's worked out kind of perfectly, I guess. They still insist that neither of them wants to get married. She's been married once before, he's never been married and I think it's a good thing they don't wanna be because frankly it takes a lot to "tame" a member of my family. We're all incredibly independent and sometimes it's hard to find someone who can handle that some things don't change. Anyway, we went on an impromptu furniture shopping excursion after lunch because our place needs a new kid-friendly couch. As we're walking around looking at stuff and trying out couches, apparently the elders are having some sort of slight disagreement on the other side of the store. So we all end up sitting on two couches and a chair, in different "rooms" of the store discussing which couch we like. The parents weren't saying much because it's not their living room, it's my living room. Then all of a sudden, my uncle says, rather loudly, "I don't know what the big deal is" towards his...let's say, partner since girlfriend sounds creepy. We all look at him and ask what's going on and she tries to get him to not talk but he does and tells us that he asked her to live together like ten minutes ago while looking at bedroom furniture. And she was, understandably, taken aback and hadn't answered. So here we are sitting in the middle of a furniture store on a Sunday afternoon, first stunned and then saying things like, "Are you crazy?" and "No, this is not gonna happen" to our uncle. Meanwhile, life goes on around us and people are hearing this little family spat. So we leave, couch-less and a little freaked out, and make the long drive back home in almost complete silence.
After the parents left, everyone started to talk about what went down. The conversation was long but I finally concluded to myself that I just don't care. It did bother me when they first got together but now it doesn't. Ironically, it does bother my letter writing friend and she was the one laughing when they started dating. So...whatever they do, I just want them to be happy. Last night I was discussing all this with my best friend and she shook her head and said,"What was he thinking?" and I couldn't help myself. My reply was, "I know...he should have dared her to move in with him."
Monday, August 18, 2008
18
It seems like so long ago I began my parental journey with my teenager. At the time, she was fighting with her dad constantly and landed at my door asking if she could live with me. Eventually, that's exactly what happened. Thankfully, she was old enough to mostly take care of herself so the state didn't look in on us nearly as often as they said they would. (Though the surprise visits have been so much fun). I guess some would find such unannounced visits nerve-wracking but I never did, I had nothing to worry about. The goal was to keep her alive until her 18th birthday, no one really said I should keep her happy in that time. But it's been a fairly easy route for us.
Wednesday is when my teen turns "legal adult". Technically, I'm not responsible for her anymore in the eyes of the law. But I find myself slowly realizing that I'm not gonna be able to just turn off my parenting of her. Obviously college is just around the corner and that's gonna mean more freedom for her, but I don't know how big a transition it's really gonna be. She's still gonna be living here and she's pretty much had more freedom than most the last few months. She's been working and generally getting her life together before it changes next month.
But what really changes for us on Wednesday? Not a whole lot. She says she still expects to ask me if she can do things, just as a reflex. And I still expect to ask, "Where are you going?" every time she walks out the door. I'm not one to deal with change well so having to take over the care a discipline of a teenager seriously rocked my world for a few days. But I got over it quickly and we settled in. Looking back at all that's gone on in both of our lives the last year, I can see how much things have changed, some I didn't even notice until recently. I feel a lot older than I should at 27. When the clock hit 12:00 A.M. on 1/1/07, I was a bachelor in and out of relationships, half-assing my way through most of them, and not really concerned with looking too far into my own future. Now, I'm a father and I'm happy and helping a kid plan her own future, now that mine seems somewhat set. I guess the only way to really describe it is that it's like I actually became a parent when she came to live with me and everything changed. Teen or newborn, I guess you're playing with a completely new deck either way.
I think my relationships have changed drastically with everyone. I was a responsible guy before but now it feels different. I don't regret having taken on the challenge though. I think it was good for all of us, and especially good for her relationship with her father. They were barely on speaking terms in February and now they talk once a week. I don't think that'd be the case if she woulda had to stay with him. So, Wednesday will be the day we go to the DMV for the big people's license and this weekend she'll celebrate the big day. And, beyond that, she goes to college and I head back to work and everything changes, yet remains the same. Love it.
Wednesday is when my teen turns "legal adult". Technically, I'm not responsible for her anymore in the eyes of the law. But I find myself slowly realizing that I'm not gonna be able to just turn off my parenting of her. Obviously college is just around the corner and that's gonna mean more freedom for her, but I don't know how big a transition it's really gonna be. She's still gonna be living here and she's pretty much had more freedom than most the last few months. She's been working and generally getting her life together before it changes next month.
But what really changes for us on Wednesday? Not a whole lot. She says she still expects to ask me if she can do things, just as a reflex. And I still expect to ask, "Where are you going?" every time she walks out the door. I'm not one to deal with change well so having to take over the care a discipline of a teenager seriously rocked my world for a few days. But I got over it quickly and we settled in. Looking back at all that's gone on in both of our lives the last year, I can see how much things have changed, some I didn't even notice until recently. I feel a lot older than I should at 27. When the clock hit 12:00 A.M. on 1/1/07, I was a bachelor in and out of relationships, half-assing my way through most of them, and not really concerned with looking too far into my own future. Now, I'm a father and I'm happy and helping a kid plan her own future, now that mine seems somewhat set. I guess the only way to really describe it is that it's like I actually became a parent when she came to live with me and everything changed. Teen or newborn, I guess you're playing with a completely new deck either way.
I think my relationships have changed drastically with everyone. I was a responsible guy before but now it feels different. I don't regret having taken on the challenge though. I think it was good for all of us, and especially good for her relationship with her father. They were barely on speaking terms in February and now they talk once a week. I don't think that'd be the case if she woulda had to stay with him. So, Wednesday will be the day we go to the DMV for the big people's license and this weekend she'll celebrate the big day. And, beyond that, she goes to college and I head back to work and everything changes, yet remains the same. Love it.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
The Box
Last night I came home to find a package waiting for me. I recognized the address as my deceased ex-girlfriend's family address. I was a little thrown because we never got along when she was alive and that hasn't changed since her death, although we've been slightly more civil towards each other. About a year ago was the last time they sent me something and that was a tape she'd made while on vacation in Mexico, where she died. Against my better judgement, I watched it and it could very well be the only thing I've ever regretted in my life. I still have it somewhere, locked away. And I still have the last voicemail she left me a few days before her death and my birthday. I have moved on. I used to think about her ten times a day, at least, and now I think of her every few days.
Part of me doesn't wanna know what's in this box, which is why I haven't opened it yet. It's still sitting in my living room and that's where it will stay until at least Monday, because I'm going out of town this weekend. I was watching this thing the other night about people who lose significant others. This program was talking about how some people throw themselves into relationships soon after a death to numb the pain and prove they're fine. Others, and here's my category, shut down and form walls to prevent themselves from getting close to anyone for fear of losing them again. My walls have started to come down in the last year or so. But aside from the walls, I think it's better to wait for someone who's worth the time and energy. I'm not afraid of losing anyone again (except my daughter). Okay, maybe just a little. But that gets on my nerves because I know it's not worth it. Everybody leaves everybody eventually.
And so I sit here...staring at this box and wondering what's inside...though still slightly afraid of what's inside. And hoping I don't think about it all weekend...knowing I will.
Part of me doesn't wanna know what's in this box, which is why I haven't opened it yet. It's still sitting in my living room and that's where it will stay until at least Monday, because I'm going out of town this weekend. I was watching this thing the other night about people who lose significant others. This program was talking about how some people throw themselves into relationships soon after a death to numb the pain and prove they're fine. Others, and here's my category, shut down and form walls to prevent themselves from getting close to anyone for fear of losing them again. My walls have started to come down in the last year or so. But aside from the walls, I think it's better to wait for someone who's worth the time and energy. I'm not afraid of losing anyone again (except my daughter). Okay, maybe just a little. But that gets on my nerves because I know it's not worth it. Everybody leaves everybody eventually.
And so I sit here...staring at this box and wondering what's inside...though still slightly afraid of what's inside. And hoping I don't think about it all weekend...knowing I will.
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