I started thinking about my relationships in the past. Trying to figure out what the real issues were and why they ended the way they did. I've only really had three major romantic relationships in my life that truly meant something to me. One lasted almost eight years (on/off) but was turbulent most of the time, the second was an engagement and lasted eight months and the third is currently in progress. I don't think I've ever gotten over the first one, for so many reasons, but I have learned to move past it. But it took a long time. So for a long time I drifted. I hit the party scene hard and drifted from woman to woman. There were "relationships" here and there in that time, but nothing significant. A lot of coulda beens. When 2005 rolled around, I decided to not live that way anymore and try and just not deal with dating at all. Then, I got together with a friend I'd known for a long time and we got engaged (too fast) and then that fell apart and happened to coincide with everything else collapsing my world at the time. After that ended and I found out why it had ended, I went on yet another dating binge, this time mixed with depression (though I didn't get treatment for it, likely making my issues worse). Again, I didn't apply myself and went person to person. Then, last year I got to a point where I was just sick of it all. I'd tried dating yet another friend and she's one of the most amazing people on earth but I just could not stop hurting her. That was a bit of a wake up call and I started figuring out how to be alone and not go after someone just because I knew I could get her. After every major break-up, it's like I'd go into panic mode. I used to work on this timetable of how I needed to be settled by some certain point in my life. Since I decided to throw that out, I've been much happier. Even better than that is that there are (for the most part) no more shadows, no demons I can't keep silenced.
And my relationship is seriously benefitting from my growth. This is our second time around but it doesn't feel that way because we're such different people now. Everything flows so easily between us. We've got new interests and new things that we want to pursue and we want to do them together. Every few months, I head out of town or the country for a charity excursion of some kind (I'm hoping that this hurricane doesn't hit New Orleans since that's my destination at the end of next week). And I've never really felt like I could share my efforts with anyone I wasn't related to. Some of my girlfriends have been...not self-centered but not as willing to donate their time to some causes. It always felt like I was holding a part of myself back because I couldn't just go out and pick a cause and start working. But she is all for this kind of thing and it's amazing to share that with her and, eventually, our child. I'm a lucky, lucky boy.
