Woolly Bully

If it's one thing I'm known for, it's my inability to draw a damn thing beyond stick figures. But this was news to Miss N.

Miss N: Dad, can you show me how to draw a woolly mammoth for school?
Me: *Awkwardly draws an unfortunate looking...something*
Miss N: What is that?
Me: It's a woolly mammoth.
Miss N: It looks like a fat lady who fell down.
Me: That's not nice.
Miss N: Neither is your drawing.

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Miss N is also apparently not a fan of dad's new look.

Miss N: Will you be a pirate for Halloween?
Me: A pirate? Why?
Miss N: You have a beard and you're dark.
Me: ...And?
Miss N: All the dark guys in movies that have beards are bad guys.

Me: I'm not gonna shave just because of that.

Miss N: Mom says you won't shave because of a mid-life crisis.

Me: Oh yeah? Go ask mom which of us is already past mid-life! Then laugh at her like the evil dark guys in your movies.

Miss N: What's mid-life?

It's funny how you get excited when they learn to speak and ish. And then they get the hang of speaking and mouth off.

Thanks For The Memories, Even Though I Won't Remember Them

If you know me, you know I don't like to mountains out of the molehills that are my brain issues. Because of this, I shared the following events with only two people as they were happening. For months now, I've been having dizzy spells where everything goes dark and I feel like I'm gonna pass out. I rarely actually pass out, and the spells pass in a minute or so, but it's still fairly annoying. At first, I thought it was because I wasn't eating enough, but upping my calorie intake did nothing to stop the problem. Then, I noticed that these spells coincided with my memory issues seemingly getting worse, which is when I got concerned. I mentioned this to the doc during one of my blood tests (and btw, still in remission so that's awesome) and he was worried enough to order me to the endless abyss of brain scanning machines I always find my way into. A first scan showed two lesions on my brain that were not there before, adding more concern to the situation. Three more scans and two specialists later, I'm happy to say I'm in the all clear. Sort of. There are indeed two lesions rattling around up there, but they aren't causing any issues as of right now. The dizzy spells have become fewer as the last month has rolled by, so that's also good. But the whole brain business caused my doc to real talk me about the realities I may face down the line.
Thanks to the TBI, my risk of brain-related disorders is higher than most. During the trying weeks of tests, the doc made it very clear that MS and early onset Alzheimer's were high on the list of suspected issues. Fortunately, it turned out to be neither of those. But they're both real possibilities in the future, particularly the Alzheimer's. Because of this, my doctor wants me to start a couple of programs in an attempt to keep the mind young and try and ward off any future brain problems as best I can. And as you know, I am one to always do what I'm told (I know, I just laughed at that too). Or, should I say, the people who love me are staying on me to follow doctor's orders. I don't love the new routine, but I'm willing to do it because losing my mind for a second time (and for real) doesn't appeal to me. Thank you to all who have sent well wishes after hearing what happened and especially to those who went through it with me. Ya'll are more than I deserve.

Drunk

I was watching an episode of "Unsolved Mysteries" yesterday (don't hate, it's a good show...and ok, it was more than one episode) and they had a story about a drunk driver. This fucker went out drinking with his friend all night, then got into his truck and got on the highway. When he ended up behind a slow driver, he decided to pass her at 90 MPH on a two-lane stretch of road where passing wasn't allowed. This resulted in him hitting a car full of college students head-on, killing all but one of them. He and his passenger, of course, survived with minor injuries. His blood alcohol level was absurd and he was arrested and charged with DUI and vehicular homicide, then released pending a trial. According to the drunk's father, he began to received death threats from various anonymous people between his arrest and his trial and so he "had" to skip bail and go on the lam. Then, the father questioned whether the blood test taken at the hospital was legit and made the false claim that, "From what I had heard, the kids in the car were full of alcohol and marijuana". The prosecution tested everyone that night, dead or alive, and only two people involved had anything in their system - the ones in the truck. Also, I don't care if three of those four kids were drunk and high off their assess, it doesn't matter so long as the one driving was sober, but I digress. The drunk was apprehended a few years later, stood trial and was found guilty. And do you know what he got after all that? Fourteen and a half years in prison. That's around five years per life he took. And that's the problem with the drunk driving laws in this country.
Those of you who know me are aware that I'm one of the rare cases where the sober driver (narrowly) survived and the drunk driver perished. You also know my stance on drunk driving is one thing that will never change. I've never gotten behind the wheel after having been drinking, not even after one watered down drink. We had a demonstration at our junior high school about driving while intoxicated that stuck with me and flared up in my head every time I even considered that whole, "Well, I think I'm alright to just drive home" notion. Unlike when you're drugging yourself to death and only killing one person, driving under the influence presents a much, much greater chance of killing everyone but yourself. It's insane how many drunk drivers survive without a scratch, while the sober people they hit die on impact. I came dangerously close to being just another statistic in 2002. I can't even fathom how a grown ass person (any person, really, but adults should know better) can get into a car and swerve down a highway after a night of drinking. Hell, even one drink is too many. But sadly, the penalties for drinking and driving aren't all that severe, even when there are fatalities involved. There's not much to dissuade people from doing it, aside from good old common sense and decency and we all know that's in short supply nowadays. America, yo.

In Fairytales Of Mine, You Would Be The One That Saved Me

"One day you will stumble upon someone who will start a fire in you that cannot die. However, the saddest, most awful truth you will ever come to find is they are not always with whom we spend our lives."

There have been two people in my 34 years on this planet that have started this type of fire in me. And, true to quote, I have not been destined to spend my life with either of them. The first one was taken far too soon, well before either of us really knew what spending a lifetime with someone truly entailed. But the other one...in theory, I guess I could try and stoke that fire and see what comes of it. However, both my heart and my mind tell me to slow my roll. Do I care about her? Always. I'm not the type to stop caring about someone unless given a damn good reason to. But you can't put the genie back in the bottle, you know? Everything that's happened has put so much distance between us, which is ironic when you remember part of the reason we failed in the first place was because of a different kind of distance. Also, we were only affecting ourselves back when we were off and on, whereas now we both have children. The universe seemed to be steering us into separate lives. And then we ran into each other for the first time in awhile, and the week of her birthday, no less. It stuck in my brain for a few days, and apparently also in my subconscious. I had a dream, a very vivid one, about her. She was designing some kind of store window and I was wandering around a mall with her sister, who I never really got along with. We didn't speak much, but we kept stopping by the store window to give feedback. The first two stops, we didn't love what she'd done with the place, so we went mall walking again. The third time, we complimented her on her work and then all sat down on this big couch, with me in between the two of them. We were each reading magazines or something and then I woke up. What I remember most about the dream was how I felt. There was this overwhelming feeling of adoring her. And she seemed to have no idea at all.

I spent a full day with that dream on mind and debated whether I should try and call her, before ultimately deciding not to. I realized the dream wasn't trying to push me towards her, it was trying to knock some sense into me. For years, I felt the way I did in that dream - totally enamored with her while she was in and out of the relationship for various reasons. She loved me, I know she did, but timing is everything and ours was off. I think this dream was the universe reminding me of how well things turned out the first time. And we shouldn't cross that bridge again. It helps that, while I still consider her one of those who started a fire in me and, on some level, it still burns, it doesn't burn as brightly as it once did. It's muted, in a way. And that's how it was meant to turn out. It's funny though. If I could go back to the day we met, even knowing all that happened in the years after, I wouldn't change a thing. I think we both loved each other the best we could at that time. And we're both destined to love other people now.