Spatchcock You Very Much

Me: I was only half paying attention to the TV when I hear, "I am ready to spatchcock this turkey". Followed by one of the women saying, "My hand is all the way inside this turkey. I am a spatchcocking champion." lol.
W: lol Wait...what?
Me: Apparently it's a term from the 18th century that means to split open poultry before grilling it. It's shorthand for, wait for it...dispatch cock.
W: LOL. It makes sense when you explain it.
Me: When a big cock comes along, you must spatch it! Now spatch it. Into shape. Shape it up. Pretend you straight. Spatch your cock forward. Use your head. It's not too late. To spatch it. Spatch that cock good.
W: LMAO. I cackled in the grocery store and scared a child.
Me: LOL. Worth it.
W: Bastard...it was worth it. You're too much, man.

==========

Crazy Aunt has retired and thus we don't see her as much. But fresh off the plane, she decided to get right down to business while watching football with my gay cousin and his husband...

Crazy Aunt: When are you gonna have another baby?
Cousin: I don't know if we are. Probably adopt again at some point.
Crazy Aunt: Why don't you make one? You know, a surrogate?
Cousin: We'll see.
Crazy Aunt: Mijo, you should think about it. Why don't you have one of those twice gay babies? Where they take both of your cojones and mix them. I saw it on the internet.
Cousin: ...Uh yeah, that's something to consider.

==========

My cousins and I were watching a show on Investigation Discovery about a murder. The females in the room were all fawning over the attractive lad playing one of the lead roles in the show. The cops get the guy's alibi and he says he was playing "Dungeons and Dragons" all evening with friends.

Cousin: Well, now we know that actual guy isn't as ridiculously hot as the actor.
Me: You don't know that! He could be attractive and like nerd things.
Cousin: I can prove that the real guy is not as pretty as the guy on TV.
Me: ...How?
Cousin: What is "Dungeons and Dragons", Giuseppe?
Me: It's a board game...right? *turns to the room that is now laughing*
Cousin: Point proven, my friend.

I was later informed that it is a dice game. But it's not a sex dice game, so I'm not interested.

Lemme Welcome Eerbaady To The Wile Wile West

Me: I'll plagiarize all your speeches for you.
Her: lol Thank you.
Me: Be quoting Ice Cube and ish.
Me: Press: How was your trip to China? You: Well Diane, while I was there I didn't even have to use my AK. So I have to say it was a good day.
Her: LOL. Start my inaugural acceptance speech with, "Now lemme welcome eerbaddy to the wile wile west, a state dats untouchable like Elliott Ness". 
Me: LOL. "I promise to give you the best for your Jimmy in the city of sex".
Me: You could have campaign posters that show your face looking off in the distance in presidential ponderment. With one liners like, "Make this a bomb ass state where the bad ass hemp be," or, "Make this a state where you never find a dance floor empty".
Her: lol Yes! #EverSinceHoneysWasWearinSassoons
Me: No, no. You run on a platform of you've been defeating ISIS since honeys was wearin' Sassoons.
Her: Brilliant.

==========

Her: A spider got into my car. Made webs and shit. Had no idea where it was and starved to death on my floor mat. Male black widow.
Me: lol Yeah, when you said starved to death I assumed it was a man. A female spider would've been more resourceful.
Her: Nice save. You know damn well that was a dig at my lack of cooking skills!
Me: Twas not. Twas a dig at my gender. Way to read between the lines, Melania.
Her: lol I thought it was, and I narrowed my eyes so hard. 
Me: lol This is why ya'll didn't win president. Be taking offense to ish that even about you.
Me: And it's STILL the man's fault.
Her: LOL

Barricades Can't Block Our Way

It has now been an entire week since the election from hell was decided. I spent about two days in denial, avoiding all news coverage, then a day or so in anger, followed by two days of fear over what's to come. And I've finally, reluctantly, hit the acceptance stage. Because it's not like we can change shit now. The last week has been interesting in that the hate Trump preached during his campaign has already started to spread like a disease across the country. Six of my friends have experienced some sort of racist comment, and I got in on the fun over the weekend when someone told me I'd have to go back to my country now. These aren't minor incidents, these are the first steps of something major that will happen now that Trump is going to be in office. And it would be bad enough to have to worry about the safety of your children in such a racially charged environment, but then you realize how much more scary shit is on the horizon. Trump will not have unlimited power but he will be able to change the way we all live. Republican presidents use their favoritism of the rich to bring about tax cuts at the expense of the middle and lower classes. That means fewer jobs and more people in need of public assistance that probably won't be available anymore, at least not in the way it exists now. This is less than a week after he's been elected and we're already seeing how some white folks bought into his promises of getting rid of all other colors. I don't even want to imagine what it will be like in a few months when he actually takes office.
During the acceptance phase of my grief, I've had time to think about some things. The first being that while I loathe Trump and all he stands for, the diehard optimist in me would like to see some kind of evidence that he's not as vile in his policies as he showed during the campaign. Or at the very least, that he'd hire one or two capable people who actually know how government works to guide him. So far, neither of these has proven true as he's hired the apocalyptic version of The Avengers; a man with a picture of himself as Jesus in his home and numerous people with histories of endorsing policies that harm homosexuals, women or minorities. These are the people that will make our decisions for us until 2020 when, god willing, we're still alive and around to elect someone decent. I won't root for Trump to fail because that's rooting for the entire nation to fail, but I'm finding it difficult to be even cautiously optimistic about his decision making. It's also telling that neither his youngest son, nor his wife seem all that interested in their new roles. Let's face it, Melania is a trophy wife, not First Lady material. I don't think she realizes she's been given a full-time job and considering she couldn't even write her own speech, I highly doubt she'll be able to handle all that comes with being First Lady. I also don't think Trump has any fucking clue how most of the government works, which is another reason to worry about what he's going to do in office. This is a man that throws money at his problems or denies his role in them, neither of which will fly as the leader of the (for now) free world. I don't believe he fully grasps that every decision he makes will have an equal and opposite reaction and you can't go around like Napoleon dictating what every nation will do for you. Not to mention, he does not have unlimited money to throw at shit to fix the government. For every project he wants to get done, like his infamous wall, there's some other part of the budget that will have to suffer, like education. Supposedly he wants to send everyone to college - how's he gonna pay for that? Students aren't even educated enough to get into college because public schools suck. And we all know damn well that Mexico is not funding any wall and cannot be forced to do so. If you wanna build a wall in your country, on your property, then you pay for it yourself the same way you would if it were putting a fence outside your house. Trump promised all kinds of doomsday shit within his first 100 days in office, but I'd guess it'll take at least that long for him to learn just what a president's job is.
In my last post on this topic, I shamed every minority who cast a vote for Trump. I've been asked if I still feel that way and the answer is yes, I do. I can't respect anyone who voted for someone who preaches hate the way that Trump does, or anyone who fails to see that this is not about one political party versus another. Politics are the last thing this had to do with, ironically. This was about an experienced candidate who saw equality for all, who believed every American regardless of color was equally American and entitled to the same rights and freedoms, versus a man with no political experience whatsoever who refuses to pay taxes or the minority workers who build his properties, a man who believes anybody of a different color needs to be stopped and frisked and vetted before we decide if they're good enough to have any rights. I will never back down from saying a vote for Trump was a vote for hate, was a vote against women and homosexuals and minorities, was a vote that endorsed the idea that we are not equals in this country. I've seen news stories of minorities defending their vote for Trump, but it's all bullshit. They can say whatever they'd like to convince themselves they're not racist or perhaps even self-hating, but they voted for someone who insulted them directly in saying Mexicans are rapists or Muslims are terrorists or African-Americans are criminals. I don't respect anyone who voted for Trump, regardless of race, but I hold particular disdain for minorities who voted for him. I certainly hope ya'll don't get the rug pulled out from under you when he comes for you based purely on what color you are. You think he's gonna ask for receipts about who you voted for before he classifies you as a rapist/terrorist/criminal? Nope.
At the end of the day, my final thought on this election shit is that I'm going to cross all of the burning, hate-filled bridges when I come to them. I'm going to try and enjoy Thanksgiving, try to enjoy Christmas and ignore the fact that our doom is lingering on the horizon. Because what else can we do, really? We can't change what's happened, only hope that will happen isn't as terrible as it all seems it's going to be right now. And hope is about all we have, ain't it? The hope that young voters who so overwhelmingly voted for Hillary will make their voices echo even louder in 2020. The hope that if we all buckle down and refuse to stoop to the level of Trump's racist supporters, maybe somehow the tide will start to turn. As Michelle Obama says, "When they go low, we go high". And hope that we can lead by example.

This Is The Way The World Ends

Wow. As I write this, it is almost 11 PM on the east coast and I cannot even process all of my emotions. I'm not one of those who took this man's campaign lightly. Like most others, I joked a year ago about the possibility of him actually winning office, and that was way before any of the super shocking and awful facts about him surfaced. But I was never of the mind that it would be a landslide loss for him. Two things made me realize how dangerous this man's pull was. The first was BP, who is whiter than white, trying to reason why he wouldn't be such a bad president because he's supposedly good with money. I reminded her he'd filed for bankruptcy more than once and, oh by the way, he's racist (this convo was after his comments on Mexicans). This got me thinking there would probably be a lot of white folks who felt similarly to BP. The second convo that hammered home the danger was one in which my mother made a comment about how there would be many people who would vote for him because they secretly agreed with his most egregious campaign promises; deporting Mexicans, keeping out all immigrants, letting any and everyone who wants to carry guns be allowed to have as many as they want. He said things that many people in this country think, as evidenced by the outcome of all this. I expected there would be fellow racists and sexists and rednecks who agreed with him. What I did not expect that is so many minorities would buy into his hate. I can't even wrap my head around that actually. How do you in good conscience vote for a man who has called you a name based solely on your skin color or ancestry? How do you look your children in the eye and explain to them that hate is the right path for the country? How do you believe that a man who would rather say, "Fuck you" if you don't agree with him, rather than listen to the country's issues and work towards resolution will make things better? And how is it that we've struggled for so many years and waged so many seemingly winning battles for equality, only to put a bigot, serial sex offender in office? Fuck, why not just vote for Jared from Subway if that's how ya'll feel about shit. This election was not about politics, it was about the divide that still exists in this nation, the divide that people said had magically disappeared once an African-American man took office. Of course, most of us knew that was not true at all, especially minorities who still live with racism and hate everyday. This man (and I will not use his name, nor ever refer to him as the president) could've raped someone live on Fox News and had it played on a continuous loop for two months and he still would have been considered a viable candidate, even with zero political experience. He's a liar, he's a racist, he's a misogynist and the people who voted for him are no better than him. For the first time in my 35 years, I'm genuinely ashamed to call myself an American.
This isn't a case of someone being bitter because their candidate didn't win, I want that made crystal clear. I didn't have a candidate to begin with. No one; not Hilary, not Bernie, not any third party candidate won me over. I voted for the lesser of the evils and, like many of us, recognized that while Hilary was not an ideal candidate, the man running against her was a terrible example of a human being. I voted for Hilary because I knew that I would not have to constantly worry about certain things for the next four years. I voted for her because I knew the alternative, now the reality, would be cataclysmic. And here we are. What a mess this election made of democracy. It turned what should be the most important part of government into a sideshow and the smoke and mirrors won out. I'm not bitter that my choice did not win. I'm terrified about who did win; terrified for my family and my freedom and the world in general. Anyone who isn't white should be terrified about this result, whether they voted for him or not (and shame on you if you're a minority who did). I've been Latino for my whole 35 years and I've been the parent of a bi-racial child for almost nine years now. And nothing gives you insight into how racially divided this country still is like having a child who is obviously mixed. You get looks, you get questions, questions people wouldn't dare ask someone with a kid who was not multi-racial. The same is true of being in an interracial relationship. I've been in those most of my life, but the hate L and I have experienced on a few occasions has been ridiculous. If that kinda shit happens now, in 2016 with a black man in the White House, what is it going to be like in a year's time? That's if our family is even allowed to be together in this country in that time. Hell, I could be sent back to Mexico and L deported back to London and MOC on a boat to Africa for all we fucking know. Those are things the white folks in this country don't have to worry about. That uncertainty is not present for them. That hate is not in their faces everyday.

I'd be offended if I were in the Armed Forces, having fought for the freedom of this country only to have the people I fought for spit in my face and vote to take away that freedom from certain citizens.

I'm not someone who can "pass" as white. I'm a mutt and I look like a mutt. Throughout my life, my ethnicity has been guessed as everything from Middle Eastern to South African. I'm a multiracial dude living in America and I've never been more worried about what ways my skin color will affect my future. I was born and raised in this country, but like any other person of color, or homosexual or transgender, I have never been afforded all of the opportunities of being an American. And now that gap will widen considerably. For the last eight years we progressed, not as much as we wanted to but it was still progress. Now one horrible person will peel back all that progress and the saddest part is that this country voted for it to happen. People knew his politics and his hate and they voted for that to represent their country to the world. The people who voted for him, whether they admit it or not, believe that I'm less of an American because I'm not white. They believe my daughter is less of an American because she's not white. They believe we're not entitled to the same freedoms and opportunities as white Americans. It's like we've been trying to climb up a ladder for decades and with one whack, we got knocked back down to the bottom. I'm disappointed that so many people believe the same shit as this man. I'm flabbergasted as to how someone with no political experience and clear evidence of crimes and misdeeds having been committed even made it onto the ballot, nevermind into the White House. Enjoy these last three months of freedom while we still recognize what freedom looks like. After he takes office, we're all royally fucked. Thanks, America.