Me: I was only half paying attention to the TV when I hear, "I am ready to spatchcock this turkey". Followed by one of the women saying, "My hand is all the way inside this turkey. I am a spatchcocking champion." lol.
W: lol Wait...what?
Me: Apparently it's a term from the 18th century that means to split open poultry before grilling it. It's shorthand for, wait for it...dispatch cock.
W: LOL. It makes sense when you explain it.
Me: When a big cock comes along, you must spatch it! Now spatch it. Into shape. Shape it up. Pretend you straight. Spatch your cock forward. Use your head. It's not too late. To spatch it. Spatch that cock good.
W: LMAO. I cackled in the grocery store and scared a child.
Me: LOL. Worth it.
W: Bastard...it was worth it. You're too much, man.
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Crazy Aunt has retired and thus we don't see her as much. But fresh off the plane, she decided to get right down to business while watching football with my gay cousin and his husband...
Crazy Aunt: When are you gonna have another baby?
Cousin: I don't know if we are. Probably adopt again at some point.
Crazy Aunt: Why don't you make one? You know, a surrogate?
Cousin: We'll see.
Crazy Aunt: Mijo, you should think about it. Why don't you have one of those twice gay babies? Where they take both of your cojones and mix them. I saw it on the internet.
Cousin: ...Uh yeah, that's something to consider.
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My cousins and I were watching a show on Investigation Discovery about a murder. The females in the room were all fawning over the attractive lad playing one of the lead roles in the show. The cops get the guy's alibi and he says he was playing "Dungeons and Dragons" all evening with friends.
Cousin: Well, now we know that actual guy isn't as ridiculously hot as the actor.
Me: You don't know that! He could be attractive and like nerd things.
Cousin: I can prove that the real guy is not as pretty as the guy on TV.
Me: ...How?
Cousin: What is "Dungeons and Dragons", Giuseppe?
Me: It's a board game...right? *turns to the room that is now laughing*
Cousin: Point proven, my friend.
I was later informed that it is a dice game. But it's not a sex dice game, so I'm not interested.
