Last year I decided to ban sleeping with my ex's. This wasn't that difficult given that most of them (and I hate to put it this way, but for lack of better words) bored me and a good amount were in serious relationships of their own. Hooking up with them was holding me back from actually thinking about what I really wanted for myself. Everyone seemed fine with my decision except for one person. We had it out pretty good when I said we needed to stop. At the time, I thought it was selfish of her to try and hold me back. Then I thought about the history there and why we'd even started sleeping together again in the first place. It wasn't about the sex, like the other hook ups. It went far deeper than that. I didn't really realize how much more was involved until later on. We kept talking and, eventually, started sleeping together again. Slowly I started weeding out everything bad in my life but no matter how I tried to rationalize breaking it off for good, I couldn't do it. Ex's are ex's for a reason is something I've heard a lot.
I finally broke it off with her and we had a particularly nasty falling out and haven't spoken since. I think it's unfortunate because we did care about each other and get on very well but it was her decision to quit speaking. Not long after that I started sleeping with my girlfriend again and now the baby thing is happening. I'm trying so hard to change for this baby. Change is difficult but I am really applying myself this time. We're down to two-ish months and I feel ready to greet this new little being but I don't feel like I'm anywhere near dusting out all of the demons. Still, progress is progress, I guess.
