It's hard to tell lately. Specifically, this weekend. My relationship is off (again) with the mother of my child. This time it was her call, not mine. I'm a little disappointed and I think it contributed to my behavior. Wednesday night (I think) I came home way late from work and as I was walking up to my apartment, there was a woman standing at the empty unit down the hall from me. She said she'd been waiting for the real estate guy (whom I know and he's the most unprofessional dude I've ever met) but he hadn't shown up and she was looking into the apartment for a friend. I felt bad for her having to wait there so late in, of all places, New York, so I asked her if she wanted to peek into my place just to see the set up since they're essentially the same. She came in and started asking questions about the building and such and the next thing you know she asks something about the cooling system and I asked her if she even really cared about the cooling system and she said no and we were off. I knew her name and that was it, at that point. And contrary to my "slut" reputation (at times), I had never slept with a stranger until that night. I have, little by little, gotten to know her since then. She doesn't live in N.Y. and is on a plane back home as I write this. But we did end up spending a few days (and nights) together and enjoyed it.
As if that were not enough for a weekend (and mid-week) screw up, I also managed to spend an evening with friends that turned out to be way more than anyone had bargained for. I know what you're thinking and yes I was sober the entire time so I can't blame that for my idiocy. We were hanging out, the entire crew, on Friday night for someones birthday (he's a leap day baby, so whenever his birthday does roll around, he likes to have a big party). We went out to karaoke and it was great and then I came home with about six or seven of us who weren't tired yet. Two of the seven are very close friends of mine and...well, let's just say that we could not be any closer now. It was a mistake and it shouldn't have happened. Thankfully, no friendships or lives were ruined over the whole thing. But that's what sent me further into wondering what the hell is wrong with me?I've been (for the most part) good and I haven't been out doing things I shouldn't with people I shouldn't be with for awhile now. Then all of a sudden over one weekend it's like J. Gone Wild. Where does that even come from? I guess if you're looking for an upside (and I'll take anything I can get here to make me feel better), it would be that I don't feel...horrible about anything. I know it wasn't right but I used to get so pissed off at myself that it took me awhile to recover from it when I realized what just happened with past flings. This time I don't feel like beating myself up over it. I guess that's some progress. But I can't let this become a habit anymore. I don't wanna be celibate or anything but I'm tired of the uncertainty of the people I do meet. I'm tired of not applying myself in relationships and watching people walk away because of it. Some days I am so ready for the change and I wish I could just be with the mother of my child and be happy. But I know it can never be that simple.
