So today is just a bad day. Probably won't change, it's just meant to be that way. My morning wasn't horrible but it may very well have been the highlight of the entire 24 hours. Last night I had a huge falling out with one of my friends/ex-girlfriends that was completely unexpected. I can't think of anybody that I have in my life that I consider a friend that I don't have unconditional love for. With me, there is no divide between friends and family, so I feel the same about all of them. This person I fell out with, I've always had that same unconditional love for. Throughout the past few years, whether or not we've been a couple or just two people passing the time together during the night, I've felt the same way - I wanted her to be happy. Even when she was with other guys, some okay and some complete and total jerks, I was there, on the other end of the phone whenever she happened to need me. I understand that everyone has their own path and has to find things out about life without the interference of others. All I want to see is her finally be happy. And I always felt the same thing coming from her towards me.
When I told her that I was going to be a father last year, I could see the disappointment on her face. But she's been there to support me and help me figure all of this out. Once upon a time, we coulda been something amazing. But she wasn't ready to commit. I remember the end of the romantic part of it so clearly, it was New Year's Eve a few years ago and we were going to this big party together. We went but we avoided each other all night until she said she wasn't feeling well and I drove us home. I turned off the car, we're sitting there in the dark and I just blurt out this mini-speech about how I loved her and I wanted to be with her for good and how I felt like we could work through our issues together. After completely spilling what was left of my guts to her, I waited for her reply. All I needed was to hear "Okay" or "Me too," ANYTHING to make me think it was worth staying, that we were worth fighting for. What did I hear instead? Nothing. Complete silence. The longest silence of my entire life. The next day I told her I couldn't do it anymore, all of the on and off, and that was that. But we both knew it likely wasn't the end, there's too much there for it to be.
So now that I'm gonna be a father and I'm still holding out hope for a happy romantic ending with my child's mother, where does that leave us? I don't know. But our argument last night certainly didn't help matters. And the birth is rapidly approaching and...it's all so open. So confusing.
