Onward & Upward

I've spent the last week and a half figuring my way through my father's death. Honestly, and it may sound cold to some people, I'm sorry I wasted the time. I mean, yes he died and it's sad for his family and all of that but...I just can't grieve for someone I never knew in any way, shape or form. I stalled in the anger phase for quite awhile and now I'm just over the whole thing. I think my feelings, whatever they were, upon hearing about his death were more about everything being unresolved than anything else. I never really was sad. It was more of a, 'How dare you leave before anything was sorted out' kinda feeling. But I realized about two days ago that I'm fine now. I don't feel the need to sort anything out. For about two seconds I wondered what life would have been like if he hadn't left but I quickly put that out of my mind. I don't regret a single thing about my childhood. It was wonderful. And who knows, it could've been a bad thing had he been a been a part of it. Someone showing up once in 28 years doesn't exactly inspire confidence that he'd have been a good father to us. And it no longer bothers me that he was a father to his other kids. Good for them. But some of us are better off being raised by a village of characters, as my siblings and I were. I still don't know how he died and I guess I should in case it was like some genetic disease thing but I know it was sudden so I'm thinking heart attack. I thought about contacting his family to find out but I think I'm better off not getting caught up in any kind of dispute. I don't honestly know if they know he has more kids. Even if we met them it wouldn't change anything. And so I'm done. This is probably the last thought I'll ever give to him.

Michael Jackson 1958-2009

Let's set aside all of the horrible (and possibly illegal) decisions Michael Jackson made in his personal life and focus solely on his career and his music. He definitely was the King of Pop. His mind and his talent were amazing and I don't know of anyone who doesn't like at least one of his songs. I was born in 1981, the same year as MTV, and there wasn't a day that that network wasn't on in the background in my very creative-minded household. My cousin was M.J. (from the 'Thriller' era) for four Halloweens in a row. He crossed boundaries, he didn't make one genre of music. He just made good music that everybody could relate to and listen to. He was an amazing entertainer. But as is often the case, with great talent comes great responsibility and, eventually, great tragedy.
I wasn't a huge M.J. fan (Janet is my Jackson) but I do love his music and I loved watching video of his live shows back when he was in his prime. I don't own any music that he made after 'Scream' (which I think just may be one of the greatest videos EVER, although I do love 'Remember The Time'), because it was all just reworkings of his biggest hits. It was an amazing career but a tragic life, though most of his nightmares were of his own making. This was someone who never seemed to really want to grow up and he could afford not to, or so he felt. He was uncomfortable with the realities of the world, yet he was someone who craved being in the worldwide spotlight. In the end, I wouldn't be surprised if his penchant for pain killers factored into his death. Play too close to the flame and you will get burned. In a way, he's been dead for quite awhile. But it was still shocking and sad to hear the news of his actual passing. He never expected to live past 40. I hope in the extra decade he had, or at least in the last year or so, he got right with the man upstairs.

Father Figure Pt. II

So...it's been awhile. Work, home, etc. and I haven't really had the energy to write. What's new...well, my father died a few weeks ago. I found out last weekend and it's been an interesting time in my life since then. At first I wasn't sure how to feel. Then, in my own weird way, I started to go through the whole five stages of grief process but I'm just a little stuck on 'Anger'. Not really major anger or anything...but then maybe it's because I'm not letting myself feel it. My father hasn't been around since before we were born. I can't say that I've thought about him very much since I've hit adulthood. Not even when I became a father myself. And I didn't really think about him much as a kid either. I had such a wonderful upbringing and family that it never occurred to me that I was from a "broken" home. After the phone calls stopped, we went on about our lives. I don't remember much about meeting him anyway (courtesy of my car accident). But the last thing I expected to hear was that he had died. And I didn't expect to have such a difficult time sorting through my feelings about it. But here I am nearly a week after finding out he's dead and I've only slept through the night once or twice. It's like I can't make my brain stop running and thinking about the past 28 years. Especially after reading about what a "wonderful father and musician" he was. I can't help wondering why he was a non-existent father to (at least) three of his kids but a great one to the other six. I mean, we lived in the same town, not more than ten minutes apart, until we all went to college. Why stop keeping in touch after two months? If it was because of whatever went on between him and my Grandma, then why didn't he come around after she died? (Trust me, he woulda known when she died, we lived in a major city but it is surprisingly small when you grow up there). I didn't get so much as a card after my accident. Would I have let him into my life if he'd come around? Maybe. We had a good amount of things in common. Maybe if he'd answered my questions and I could've understood why he took off. Maybe that's why I'm having issues now. He's gone and nothing was resolved and now nothing's gonna be resolved. I'd be willing to bet his other kids have no clue that the three of us exist. I'm not sure how to feel about that either. So I guess it comes down to my not knowing how I feel. And if I don't know how I feel, then how am I supposed to start coping? It's all the unresolved issues between him and me and my sister and my brother and my mom. I guess, as unfair and cold as it sounds, we just have to get over it.