Father Figure Pt. II

So...it's been awhile. Work, home, etc. and I haven't really had the energy to write. What's new...well, my father died a few weeks ago. I found out last weekend and it's been an interesting time in my life since then. At first I wasn't sure how to feel. Then, in my own weird way, I started to go through the whole five stages of grief process but I'm just a little stuck on 'Anger'. Not really major anger or anything...but then maybe it's because I'm not letting myself feel it. My father hasn't been around since before we were born. I can't say that I've thought about him very much since I've hit adulthood. Not even when I became a father myself. And I didn't really think about him much as a kid either. I had such a wonderful upbringing and family that it never occurred to me that I was from a "broken" home. After the phone calls stopped, we went on about our lives. I don't remember much about meeting him anyway (courtesy of my car accident). But the last thing I expected to hear was that he had died. And I didn't expect to have such a difficult time sorting through my feelings about it. But here I am nearly a week after finding out he's dead and I've only slept through the night once or twice. It's like I can't make my brain stop running and thinking about the past 28 years. Especially after reading about what a "wonderful father and musician" he was. I can't help wondering why he was a non-existent father to (at least) three of his kids but a great one to the other six. I mean, we lived in the same town, not more than ten minutes apart, until we all went to college. Why stop keeping in touch after two months? If it was because of whatever went on between him and my Grandma, then why didn't he come around after she died? (Trust me, he woulda known when she died, we lived in a major city but it is surprisingly small when you grow up there). I didn't get so much as a card after my accident. Would I have let him into my life if he'd come around? Maybe. We had a good amount of things in common. Maybe if he'd answered my questions and I could've understood why he took off. Maybe that's why I'm having issues now. He's gone and nothing was resolved and now nothing's gonna be resolved. I'd be willing to bet his other kids have no clue that the three of us exist. I'm not sure how to feel about that either. So I guess it comes down to my not knowing how I feel. And if I don't know how I feel, then how am I supposed to start coping? It's all the unresolved issues between him and me and my sister and my brother and my mom. I guess, as unfair and cold as it sounds, we just have to get over it.