Onward & Upward

I've spent the last week and a half figuring my way through my father's death. Honestly, and it may sound cold to some people, I'm sorry I wasted the time. I mean, yes he died and it's sad for his family and all of that but...I just can't grieve for someone I never knew in any way, shape or form. I stalled in the anger phase for quite awhile and now I'm just over the whole thing. I think my feelings, whatever they were, upon hearing about his death were more about everything being unresolved than anything else. I never really was sad. It was more of a, 'How dare you leave before anything was sorted out' kinda feeling. But I realized about two days ago that I'm fine now. I don't feel the need to sort anything out. For about two seconds I wondered what life would have been like if he hadn't left but I quickly put that out of my mind. I don't regret a single thing about my childhood. It was wonderful. And who knows, it could've been a bad thing had he been a been a part of it. Someone showing up once in 28 years doesn't exactly inspire confidence that he'd have been a good father to us. And it no longer bothers me that he was a father to his other kids. Good for them. But some of us are better off being raised by a village of characters, as my siblings and I were. I still don't know how he died and I guess I should in case it was like some genetic disease thing but I know it was sudden so I'm thinking heart attack. I thought about contacting his family to find out but I think I'm better off not getting caught up in any kind of dispute. I don't honestly know if they know he has more kids. Even if we met them it wouldn't change anything. And so I'm done. This is probably the last thought I'll ever give to him.