I used to get messages from quite the cast of characters when I was on a dating site. One chick wondered out loud (via email) what kind of things I was into sexually. A supposedly bi-sexual dude asked me if I'd be into having a three way with him and a woman. Another woman called me a "hot drink [she'd] like to drink down" (didn't make any sense to me either). I also got a message from a woman who was into poly-amory, which is basically an open relationship with the possibility of simultaneously being in other relationships with other people. I'm definitely not into that but we had a lot in common and she said she was just looking for friends so we exchanged a few messages. But it soon became clear she was looking for more than just a friend and I wasn't interested in that. I don't really understand the concept of poly-amorous relationships. I may be very open sexually (hence my being a whore in a previous life) but I'm fairly traditional when it comes to relationships. One person's feelings and habits are enough to adjust to, why on earth would you wanna deal with multiple people? I'm guessing part of the appeal is the openness and being allowed to sleep with as many other people as you want, whenever you want. But even that seems like too much to take on. I've been in a situation where I'm dating around but even then I usually only slept with one person (three at the most, not that I should brag about it). The point is that juggling three people was enough and I don't get the appeal of spending your life doing that. But to each their own.
A friend was telling me today about someone she knows who is an active poly-amory...er. It would seem as though there are few boundaries in her relationship, there are always new stories of random hook-ups (women, men, women and men at the same time, it really doesn't seem to matter to her), and funny or just plain weird crap that happened while in the midst of a hook-up. She doesn't keep any of it to herself either so all of her friends are desensitized to most of the stuff she tells them. But the most recent story is one that has grossed out everyone who has crossed its path. Miss Poly-Amory USA showed up at two in the morning to this friend's house with pizza and beer. She talked for a few minutes with the friend before inviting herself into another friend's bedroom for late night, I-don't-care-if-you-want-it-or-not nookie. The next day, my friend's roomie began telling her about what he'd woken up to an hour after they'd done the deed. The friend told him she really didn't know or care to know any details but he proceeded to tell her that their mutual friend is a freak and he felt it necessary to go into way too vivid detail as to what happened. As this story is being relayed to me, my Curious George self couldn't not ask what it was that had so traumatized the boy. My friend went a step further and said that her roomie told her it was something that had never been done to him before and that he wasn't really a fan of, and also that it especially confused him because it wasn't done in the heat of the moment, it was something she began doing to him before he was awake. Did I take the hint and stop asking questions? Well of course I didn't. So she tells me he said, 'I woke up to her licking my...you know...' and she thankfully leaves that sentence there. And that was enough. Actually, maybe even that was too much. I knew what she meant and we were both grossed out, so we moved on to a new conversation. But...wow. Just...wow. Few things render me speechless but that story was certainly one of them.
We've all heard our friends overshare details about their sexual escapades, some of them funny and some not so much. It never ceases to amaze me what people are into. There's a show on TLC called "Strange Sex" that profiles people with interesting fetishes and situations. One guy got off by hearing a balloon pop. Another lady claimed she could climax without ever being touched and taught classes on it. And let us not forget the millions of horny housewives who are obsessed with the 50 Shades books, which I think are terrible. Granted, I am not the target audience for that, but I read excerpts from it with a girl friend and we laughed our asses off. Seriously, I hadn't laughed that hard in eons. It was terrible writing and the "kinky" stuff in the book wasn't really all that kinky, but women around the world can't get enough. What really puzzles me about it is that millions of women apparently didn't know that they can find better erotica via Google for free, yet they read this crap because it's more socially acceptable. Cuz god forbid the people you call friends know you have sex or read about sex or know anything about sex, right? However those books illustrate my point quite nicely in that the hullabaloo (that's right, I said it) over them gives the impression that some women found it close to impossible to ask their men for what they wanted in bed. I don't understand why though. I know at some point everyone feels like they're gonna be judged over what they're into behind closed doors but who is gonna know besides you and the person you're sleeping with? And especially if you're gonna marry somebody, you should have everything in the open. As long as you're not into anything illegal, you should have at it with the fetishes and fantasies. It really is a shame more people don't think that way. Some people are still stuck on the 1950's stereotype of women having to be all proper and submissive and by those outdated standards, half the women in the world today are nymphomaniacs. And I really don't get why it's so difficult to ask for something while in the middle of doing the deed. I mean, everyone's horny and not thinking clearly and dudes us especially are willing to do whatever you want because the blood isn't flowing to our brains at that moment, so it seems like the perfect time to say, 'Hey fool, I like/want/need you to do this'. But still the horny housewives can't say anything? If you're that sheepish discussing sex with someone you're spending your life with then you married the wrong person. Of course our attitudes and openness about sex are also affected by how we were raised. Some people will always consider anything other than vanilla sex "dirty", while others build bondage rooms in their basements. It's whatever floats your boat but let this story be a lesson to make sure the chick who sneaks into your room in the middle of the night isn't too freaky. Because that story has done more damage to those of us who have passed it along than the actual experience did to this dude.
