Mentioning BP at all on the blog is like saying, "Bloody Mary" three times in front of a damn mirror - it causes her to reappear, ya'll. We hadn't spoken for quite some time and the last time we spoke had ended so badly that I'd blocked her number and her emails to prevent any further contact. Unfortunately, my phone company only allows a three month block on numbers before they expire. You can renew them again and again, but I forgot and thus BP was able to sneak on through. She did her typical routine of testing the waters, sending just, "Hi" and waiting for a response. Days later I answered by asking what she wanted and she launched into a multi-text rant about how much she misses me and "would do whatever" to get me back. When I was less than impressed with all of that, she said she didn't know how to get rid of her feelings for me and tried to play up how lonely she is traveling the world for work and having nothing to come home to. I said I was sure she'd find a way to get rid of her feelings and suggested she find a hobby if her life was lacking excitement, to which she replied, "You've gotten cold". I didn't take kindly to that and said as much, and she decided to switch gears and say she knew we weren't all the way finished and she just wanted to be with me and didn't understand why we couldn't just exchange texts while she was gone and then go out when she got home. And I was flabbergasted. For a good year, probably longer than that, I hung on to shit and played by her rules and she'd given me nothing but apathy. I was quite clear when it ended that it was done for good and I wasn't going to double back and recycle her. And here she was asking for yet another chance and failing to comprehend that another chance was not an option. I told her I was done, I couldn't do this ish and wouldn't allow myself to fall back into the cycle, and she asked if I wanted her to leave me alone. Before I could answer, I got a message that said she intended to text me everyday whether I wanted her to or not. I said I never should've responded to her and got back, "I'm in Germany sitting at a penny slot", like we were having some casual conversation. I asked if she was okay because I was genuinely concerned something mental was going on, the way she was jumping from accepting the end to trying to avoid it altogether was odd. She said she was having a "big issue", and that it was her work life sucking and having to travel constantly for it and feeling alone. I told her I got all of that being a pain, but that I couldn't help her with any of it since we're over and we're not friends. We exchanged a few more messages (including a handful of her trying to give me the third degree about my personal life), before she dropped off and I didn't hear from her for about a week. But I knew I would eventually. And I was right.
Yesterday she texted me again, talking about how her upcoming week was going to be hell and insinuating she wanted me to get her through it. I'd previously told her not to text me anymore, so she shifted gears and asked if I'd be on WhatsApp if she wanted to get a hold of me and I said she wouldn't need to. I was about to get on a plane so I asked if she had any last words and what does she say? "I love you". My initial reaction was *gag*. I could almost feel the desperation coming from her end of the line, and I wondered why she was even bothering to try and keep me in the fold. Many, many, MANY times we'd "ended" things, only to pick back up with her promising to be better at communication and then promptly spit me back out whenever it suited her. I have neither the interest, nor the patience for that dance anymore. I said I didn't buy it and didn't wanna hear it, but she continued, "Yes, I still do. Have a safe flight, love. I'm gonna keep saying it.". Had I not been just about to take off, I would've told her the only reason she's going to keep saying it is to convince her damn self that it's true, but I didn't get the chance. She repeated it yet again and I had to ask why she doing this shit, to which she replied, "Because sometimes love covers all...And I'm not leaving you.". I wanted to say, "No, you're not leaving me. I'm leaving you and this BS behind," but I refrained. I said "love", and especially faux love, wasn't covering anything this time and told her to take care. She asked if we could talk later in the week and I said no and requested she say goodbye. To my surprise, she complied - but then came, "Have a good trip. I love you.". That, I didn't reply to.
The thing that I always marveled at with BP was how she thought her charm would carry her back into my good graces, no matter how badly she'd fucked up, or how mean she'd been. But she wasn't even that charming, and I don't break that easily. I don't know what prompted this latest contact, but I have a feeling it has to do with her being alone overseas, annoyed at the state of her life and thinking I'm somehow the answer to her woes. What's sad about that is she's in the exact same spot she was in when we were a thing; still always on the verge of getting fired, still traveling too much for work, still unhappy with her life in general. I'm a very caring person by nature, which is why it was so difficult for me to fully let go in the first place, and I was saddened to hear how unhappy she is. In the past, she'd resurface, we'd argue for a day, then agree to put a Band-Aid on shit and the cycle would repeat again, and it would stall any progress I'd been making in trying to move on from her. But this occasion was very different. I found myself almost instantly annoyed when I saw her number come up, and I kept that wall of annoyance up the entire time we spoke. Everything is so dramatic with her, everything is feast or famine and I remembered how exhausting it was to live with that kind of thinking. I know she was grasping at straws with the, "I love you" stuff, but I just couldn't buy in. I don't honestly know if she took me seriously last night when I said goodbye, survey says probably not, so I blocked her number again just in case. And I emailed her this morning, one line saying we need to not speak again. I've no idea when she'll actually get that message since her wifi access is spotty, but I would not be surprised if she attempts to WhatsApp me in the coming days (apparently I can't block her on there). But I gotta ignore anything else she sends down the line. There's no point in responding to it, she just latches on to that small bit of contact and tries to forget we're not a thing anymore. I hope she does find a way out of the rut she's in though. I don't like her, I hate who I became during our entanglement, but I don't wish badly on anyone.
