I'm A Big Boy Now...

I don't know when I became the one that everyone tries to keep tabs on because they're afraid of what I'm getting myself into. Do you think I don't know what I'm doing is not the best thing for me sometimes? Of course I do. I do it anyway. If it comes back to bite me in the ass at the end of the day (or the next morning, as the case may be) then it's my thing to deal with. Despite the fact that it may look like my demons are getting the best of me, in reality I'm dealing better than I ever have. I'm not doing anything that's hurting anybody. I feel happy and I feel like I'm finally getting a handle on things. So if my phone happens to be off for two or three hours at any time during the day, just let it go and call back later. It's not the end of the world. And I'm not doing the things I was doing a year ago or even a few months ago. I told you I'd turned a corner and I meant it. I appreciate the fact that you're all so concerned about me and where I'm headed but at the moment I'm not concerned as to where my destination is. For the first time in a long time, I'm just enjoying the ride.

Happiness

Happiness is defined differently to each person. For some it's their kids, others find it in work and so on and so forth. As it stands right now, I am on a bit of a happiness roll. My happiness doesn't lie in having a romantic relationship. And for the first time in a long time, it also doesn't lie in my work, which I am still very proud of and it's still something I like to do, but I'm not the workaholic I used to be. I've come to realize in the last few days that my happiness isn't about kids or a girlfriend or this complete and content feeling inside. I'm learning to accept that this is who I am right now. And I'm not a bad guy. Certainly not as bad as I was a few years ago, I hated who I was then. But I've worked on it and it's taken several small steps to get to the me I am now and even more steps to accept me. That's a bit of a breakthrough for me, I guess.
I never used to dwell on the bad things in my life before the accident. I was the king of the optimists my entire life; always seeing the bright side. But then there was sooo much negativity thrown into my life over the next few years that it was hard to keep a positive spin on it. For a while I faked it to everyone else and tried to be who I was before it all went to hell, but everyone knew I wasn't the same. Sometimes I get these things in my head that are just so...I don't know..dark and I can't shake them. Call them demons, I guess. I know someday I'll face them down completely (at least, I hope I will) and I'll be to the other side of this incredibly big hill. My accident changed a lot of things and forced a lot of things. One of the biggest things it forced on to me and my closest friends is adulthood.
It's not like we were irresponsible or still acting like teenagers or anything. But we were all in our late teens or early twenties when this all went down and suddenly everything changed. Everyone grew up on that night because we had no other choice. But we all did it together, like everything else. The group of us isn't that big but as long as we've been this little family we've gone through every good or bad thing together. Everybody knows everything about everyone. And that makes me happy. It makes me happy to know that I have these people; some I've known since childhood, some high school and a few I met just as I was into my 20's; who know everything about me and who genuinely love me for me. I can spend hours (or days) with any one of them and never get bored. We just have these incredible, sometimes sitcom-like, experiences that I don't think I would truly enjoy with anybody else. We're all different, some of us very different, but when you throw us all together it just seems to work. They make me happy. So where some people have significant others or jobs, I have this family that I wouldn't trade for anything in the world and that I know will be with me for the rest of my life. In April, we'll all go through this "change by committe" thing again, when I have my first child. I'm the first one to have kids and it's only been by everyone's complete support that I've gotten through these month of the pregnancy.
This is enough for me right now but I couldn't be happier or more excited to welcome one more into the fold. I love them and I thank God every single day that we were all brought together because I wouldn't be here now without them. And even though there's the occasional pairing off gone bad or a work-related spat that leads to a small phase of not speaking (the great fight of '06, anyone? lol), we always end up back together again. Kinda like humpty dumpty. lol It's the only thing in my life where all the pieces fit. And that's worth being happy about.

Help

I remember when I was seven years old and I hurt myself and I went into the bathroom to get a band-aid. We had this plastic storage thing underneath the medicine cabinet and I decided I should climb it to get a band-aid. Well, it wasn't a very sturdy thing and just as I got to the top, it broke and I slid down and cut myself from my knee to my ankle. To this day I have no clue why I didn't just ask someone to get me the band-aid. There were a thousand people in that house at all times and yet I decided to do it on my own and not ask for help, even though I knew I couldn't reach the cabinet.
Unfortunately, this has become a recurring theme every now and then in my life. It's something I didn't even realize I did until recently. I know during the "dark ages" the past few years, I haven't asked for help much. Mostly because I want to run things through my own head before I get anyone else's opinions. But sometimes just because I don't think I need the help or I just don't want to hear the lecture that comes with it.
This weekend has been an unexpectedly eventful one. It started out with everything going well, or as well as it could be under the circumstances, and quickly turned ugly. This time, I've taken almost the entire weekend to think and I haven't come up with one good reason as to why things should change. She's right and I need to deal with it and move on. It amazes me how I can consistently back myself into a corner. But some clarity has come through in the past few days. I've decided that I want to pursue this relationship and try and be a traditional family. We owe it to each other and to the baby to give it a shot. Is it the ideal situation to bring a baby into? Yes and no. Yes because we really do care about each other and have tremendous respect for each other. And no for the obvious reasons that we're in no way settled in our lives. But ready or not, the kid is coming. Three months...

The What-Ifs

My problem is...
Well, I'm sure my problem goes a lot deeper than what I can analyze right now. But...I've tried so hard, we both have, to do things the right way in this relationship. I've tried to focus on the baby and tried to figure out where that's gonna leave us once she or he is born. And now, much sooner than expected, we're at this sort of crossroads and I don't know what to do. Neither does she. It's not exactly encouraging. I don't know how it's playing out in her mind, but in my mind I get caught up in over-thinking everything. And that's never good. The thing that's sticking the most in my brain are all of the what ifs. What if this isn't what we thought it was? What if it all goes to hell in a few months? And so on and so forth.
Our relationship ended the first time because we were two lost, tortured souls who finally realized we couldn't heal as long as we were with each other. And we came back together as two souls making peace with their pasts but still very much works in progress. Then came baby. And, in no way, do I feel 'stuck' or 'trapped' or anything like that by this pregnancy. I want her in my life. I'm just not sure how she fits into it beyond the baby.
I know the logical thing is that you never really know until you try. And I'd be the first to admit that I haven't really applied myself to anything in, oh, three years or so. And it's scary to open yourself up to that again, even with someone you know. Can I really handle this whole thing? I mean, I do not doubt at all my love for her. And I don't doubt how she feels about me. But is it an 'in love' kind of love? If it were just that simple - I love you, you love me and life is good, let's raise our child together and live happily ever after. But it never is. Things always become more complicated the further into the relationship you get. The last thing I want is to completely throw away everything we've built so far.
Nothing has ever really been in favor of our relationship, right from the start. I'm too sensitive, she's too harsh, the age difference is too much. It's always something. But we did find some happiness with each other. We've tried to sit down and hash this all out, but it's tough to actually form the words I want to say. I don't really know what I want to say. I want to say that her doubts are ridiculous and that there's no way I could ever change my mind. But...on some level, I don't think she's completely out of her mind to wonder. And that kills me. No doubt I will be there for this baby and I'm trying to be there for her during her pregnancy. But it's difficult because I can feel her wanting us to be together and all of my uncertainty is just adding stress. And what's even worse is that no answer seems right or wrong. If we're together and can be happy, it's good for everyone involved. If there's no way we can be happy together and we're separate but cordial, then it's the best thing for the baby. I don't know what to do.

My Step-Cousin/Girlfriend?

Sounds all kindsa redneck, doesn't it? But I'm coming to terms with the fact that things have gone all twilight zone in my family over the holidays. The person I would ideally be with right now has been in and out of my life for quite some time. Her family has known my family since we were 3-years-old. When we were 10, her famlily moved and the two of us lost touch but our mothers didn't. Then, a few years ago her sister moved to New York and ended up buying the house next to my cousin. That's how the blind date we "met" on came about. We're still living in the in-between because of the baby thing and my decision that I can't pursue this with her until everything else settles, which could take some time. But life tossed us together again over the holiday season in the oddest of ways.
Last month, my younger cousin ended up in the hospital for his appendix (which has become a whole big thing now, because he's still not well). I headed out to Starbucks one morning with my uncle before I was set to go pick up my cousin from the hospital and my girl friend's (read: femal friend, that's all we are at the moment) mom walked in. Her and my uncle started talking, and flirting, as I stood between them waiting for my drink. I was just a tad bit very uncomfortable, since it was obvious that something's gone on between them in the past. But I left and they were still talking. I picked up my cousin, took him home and we were all chilling out when my uncle came walking in the door, almost eight hours after I'd left them at the coffee shop. He said it was no big deal and that he'd been working at least part of the time. Then he brought his lady friend home to spend Christmas with my family. They were sickeningly inseparable, which we mostly tried to ignore, but it wasn't the easiest thing to do. They've been seeing each other almost everyday, essentially they're dating, though they won't call it that.
I don't know how to feel about the whole thing. Part of me just doesn't wanna deal because if they were to work out and get married, where would that leave me and my friend? If we wanted to give it another shot, it'd be a little awkward. But then I feel bad for taking that point of view because this is the man that gave up the past 24 years of his life to his kids. He was the best father you could ever ask for. And her mom sacrificed a lot for her kids, as well. So, it's like, how can you possibly be against these two amazing people finally being happy? I mean, all of us kids are grown and we don't want them to be alone for the rest of their lives just because of the circumstances. I just have this feeling that they're going to refrain from doing anything until they get a read on what her and I are gonna do. But I hope they're not iffy on their relationship just because of us.

Year In Review

You know, I hadn't really thought about last year and how it went until just last night as it was out the door. Professionally, I may never have a better year than I did in 2007. Personally, well, it was not great but there is a bright spot in my impending fatherhood. I did hit my stride at about, oh, September, when I finally seemed to get it back on the rails and head towards where I needed to be. In terms of family...I lost three wonderful people in a rather small amount of time. I don't think I've fully dealt with any of those losses, especially the last one, but then, that is how I tend to operate. I'm not internalizing it and not dealing at all and I'm not in any kind of denial. I'm just taking my time to let it all come up to the surface (and it will, at some very inopportune time, I'm sure).
Relationships...well, 2007 turned out to be a banner year for getting those back on track. It wasn't really a big year for romantic relationships because I chose to focus on work and I chose to finally curb my self-destructive behavior that I kept hearing so much about. But maybe that was exactly what I needed to do all along. I'm sure it was, I was just too stubborn to realize or admit to it. But now I am finally, for the first time in a great long while, happy with where I am in life. It was a, well, sort of fling that led to the pregnancy but she and I both know that to call it that is to minimize what's between us. We may not be in love with each other (or we may be, who knows at this point) but we are in a wonderful place and we're in love with our child, which is the most important thing.
I don't do change well at all, but once I finally succumb to it and get over the hump, I'm usually alright. I know this year will be bringing a lot of big changes and so I'll probably freak out and then go back to being happy. I know the challenges start this weekend and, boy do they keep on coming at a rapid pace the rest of the year, but I'm ready. At least I feel more ready to deal now than I did a year ago. That's something, huh? The weird thing is that I'm not at all scared about having a baby, which everyone keeps telling me a monumental life change. I kinda can't wait.