My problem is...
Well, I'm sure my problem goes a lot deeper than what I can analyze right now. But...I've tried so hard, we both have, to do things the right way in this relationship. I've tried to focus on the baby and tried to figure out where that's gonna leave us once she or he is born. And now, much sooner than expected, we're at this sort of crossroads and I don't know what to do. Neither does she. It's not exactly encouraging. I don't know how it's playing out in her mind, but in my mind I get caught up in over-thinking everything. And that's never good. The thing that's sticking the most in my brain are all of the what ifs. What if this isn't what we thought it was? What if it all goes to hell in a few months? And so on and so forth.
Our relationship ended the first time because we were two lost, tortured souls who finally realized we couldn't heal as long as we were with each other. And we came back together as two souls making peace with their pasts but still very much works in progress. Then came baby. And, in no way, do I feel 'stuck' or 'trapped' or anything like that by this pregnancy. I want her in my life. I'm just not sure how she fits into it beyond the baby.
I know the logical thing is that you never really know until you try. And I'd be the first to admit that I haven't really applied myself to anything in, oh, three years or so. And it's scary to open yourself up to that again, even with someone you know. Can I really handle this whole thing? I mean, I do not doubt at all my love for her. And I don't doubt how she feels about me. But is it an 'in love' kind of love? If it were just that simple - I love you, you love me and life is good, let's raise our child together and live happily ever after. But it never is. Things always become more complicated the further into the relationship you get. The last thing I want is to completely throw away everything we've built so far.
Nothing has ever really been in favor of our relationship, right from the start. I'm too sensitive, she's too harsh, the age difference is too much. It's always something. But we did find some happiness with each other. We've tried to sit down and hash this all out, but it's tough to actually form the words I want to say. I don't really know what I want to say. I want to say that her doubts are ridiculous and that there's no way I could ever change my mind. But...on some level, I don't think she's completely out of her mind to wonder. And that kills me. No doubt I will be there for this baby and I'm trying to be there for her during her pregnancy. But it's difficult because I can feel her wanting us to be together and all of my uncertainty is just adding stress. And what's even worse is that no answer seems right or wrong. If we're together and can be happy, it's good for everyone involved. If there's no way we can be happy together and we're separate but cordial, then it's the best thing for the baby. I don't know what to do.
