A New Lifetime Original Movie...

So, last week I had yet another entertaining session with my friend. I don't remember what the entire conversation was about (probably the same crap we usually talk about) and it took a nasty turn at some point. lol. I'd completely forgotten about this whole thing until I read it on her blog today and it made me laugh all over again. I miss you Wendy!

"So much for civility eh J?

Wendy: *** RASPBERRY’ING! ***
J: *** You’ve been B’SLAPPED! ***
J: See what you made me do lol
Wendy: lol how abusive
J: blame me for your violence
J: Now it becomes a Lifetime movie where the charming man you fell for turns out to have premature posting problems and a wicked backhand
Wendy: "I HIT YOU BECAUSE I LOVE YOU!!"
J: LOL "You can’t leave me...you think you can leave me?"
Wendy: "You’re nothing without me!"
Wendy: we have to add a hick twang in there
J: Then there has to be the climax, you know, where we like have it out in some remote location where none of the phones work and there’s no park ranger
But you manage to elude my capture and then, like magic, someone comes upon the whole bloody mess
Wendy: yep...a park ranger no less
Wendy: across the wide expanse of land, he just happens to have to check for something right where I’m stumbling around
J: Yep..and then it’s curtains for me and my premature posting, Wendy-beating ways
J: Then you could be on Oprah lol
Wendy: damn you...the final glorious scenario of how I give a couple of shots to the chest as you’re coming at me and then you’d fall back in super slow motion from different camera angles as the sun is coming up

lol love that guy..."

Anatomy Of A Blowout

So today is just a bad day. Probably won't change, it's just meant to be that way. My morning wasn't horrible but it may very well have been the highlight of the entire 24 hours. Last night I had a huge falling out with one of my friends/ex-girlfriends that was completely unexpected. I can't think of anybody that I have in my life that I consider a friend that I don't have unconditional love for. With me, there is no divide between friends and family, so I feel the same about all of them. This person I fell out with, I've always had that same unconditional love for. Throughout the past few years, whether or not we've been a couple or just two people passing the time together during the night, I've felt the same way - I wanted her to be happy. Even when she was with other guys, some okay and some complete and total jerks, I was there, on the other end of the phone whenever she happened to need me. I understand that everyone has their own path and has to find things out about life without the interference of others. All I want to see is her finally be happy. And I always felt the same thing coming from her towards me.
When I told her that I was going to be a father last year, I could see the disappointment on her face. But she's been there to support me and help me figure all of this out. Once upon a time, we coulda been something amazing. But she wasn't ready to commit. I remember the end of the romantic part of it so clearly, it was New Year's Eve a few years ago and we were going to this big party together. We went but we avoided each other all night until she said she wasn't feeling well and I drove us home. I turned off the car, we're sitting there in the dark and I just blurt out this mini-speech about how I loved her and I wanted to be with her for good and how I felt like we could work through our issues together. After completely spilling what was left of my guts to her, I waited for her reply. All I needed was to hear "Okay" or "Me too," ANYTHING to make me think it was worth staying, that we were worth fighting for. What did I hear instead? Nothing. Complete silence. The longest silence of my entire life. The next day I told her I couldn't do it anymore, all of the on and off, and that was that. But we both knew it likely wasn't the end, there's too much there for it to be.
So now that I'm gonna be a father and I'm still holding out hope for a happy romantic ending with my child's mother, where does that leave us? I don't know. But our argument last night certainly didn't help matters. And the birth is rapidly approaching and...it's all so open. So confusing.

Two Doors Down

I have to say it...Part of me hopes the apartment down the hall never gets rented. lol. This unit has been a date magnet for me and for two of my friends. Not dating like...well, what happened with me last week. This is leading to actual date and decent ones at that. My roommate is one of my best girl friends and this is our second tour of duty living together and she ran into some guy leaving the place and he asked her out and they've been out a couple times since. Two days ago, one of my other girl friends was coming up to my place and ran into a guy checking out the place and now they're kinda on and off. And last night when I came home there was a chick outside the place and we introduced ourselves and ended up having coffee (way late) last night and we're going to dinner tonight. Now, this could all end up blowing up in all of our faces at the end of the day because, eventually, someone is going to move into that unit. The only thing preventing a new neighbor now is that the real estate guy is lousy and I think he's being that way because he's looking for a way to afford moving into it himself, which would suck. I know everybody that lives on my floor (it's not a very big floor) and we all get along, except for the lady next door to me who refers to us as "punk kids". lol. Potentially, if anyone any of us are currently dating comes to own that place, one of us could be screwed, if the relationship doesn't work out. But for now...no one's really worried about that.

Same Mistake

"So while I'm turning in my sheets
And once again I cannot sleep
Walk out the door and up the street
Look at the stars beneath my feet
Remember rights that I did wrong
So here I go

There is no place I cannot go
My mind is muddy but
My heart is heavy does it show
I lose the track that loses me
So here I go

And so I sent some men to fight
And one came back at dead of night
Said he'd seen my enemy
Said he looked just like me
So I set out to cut myself
And here I go

And maybe someday we will meet
And maybe talk and not just speak
Dont buy the promises cause
There are no promises I keep
And my reflection troubles me
So here I go

I’m not calling for a second chance
I’m screaming at the top of my voice
Give me reason, but don’t give me choice
Cause I'll just make the same mistake"

This is exactly how I feel at the moment...

Stupid or just my usual self?

It's hard to tell lately. Specifically, this weekend. My relationship is off (again) with the mother of my child. This time it was her call, not mine. I'm a little disappointed and I think it contributed to my behavior. Wednesday night (I think) I came home way late from work and as I was walking up to my apartment, there was a woman standing at the empty unit down the hall from me. She said she'd been waiting for the real estate guy (whom I know and he's the most unprofessional dude I've ever met) but he hadn't shown up and she was looking into the apartment for a friend. I felt bad for her having to wait there so late in, of all places, New York, so I asked her if she wanted to peek into my place just to see the set up since they're essentially the same. She came in and started asking questions about the building and such and the next thing you know she asks something about the cooling system and I asked her if she even really cared about the cooling system and she said no and we were off. I knew her name and that was it, at that point. And contrary to my "slut" reputation (at times), I had never slept with a stranger until that night. I have, little by little, gotten to know her since then. She doesn't live in N.Y. and is on a plane back home as I write this. But we did end up spending a few days (and nights) together and enjoyed it.
As if that were not enough for a weekend (and mid-week) screw up, I also managed to spend an evening with friends that turned out to be way more than anyone had bargained for. I know what you're thinking and yes I was sober the entire time so I can't blame that for my idiocy. We were hanging out, the entire crew, on Friday night for someones birthday (he's a leap day baby, so whenever his birthday does roll around, he likes to have a big party). We went out to karaoke and it was great and then I came home with about six or seven of us who weren't tired yet. Two of the seven are very close friends of mine and...well, let's just say that we could not be any closer now. It was a mistake and it shouldn't have happened. Thankfully, no friendships or lives were ruined over the whole thing. But that's what sent me further into wondering what the hell is wrong with me?I've been (for the most part) good and I haven't been out doing things I shouldn't with people I shouldn't be with for awhile now. Then all of a sudden over one weekend it's like J. Gone Wild. Where does that even come from? I guess if you're looking for an upside (and I'll take anything I can get here to make me feel better), it would be that I don't feel...horrible about anything. I know it wasn't right but I used to get so pissed off at myself that it took me awhile to recover from it when I realized what just happened with past flings. This time I don't feel like beating myself up over it. I guess that's some progress. But I can't let this become a habit anymore. I don't wanna be celibate or anything but I'm tired of the uncertainty of the people I do meet. I'm tired of not applying myself in relationships and watching people walk away because of it. Some days I am so ready for the change and I wish I could just be with the mother of my child and be happy. But I know it can never be that simple.