It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year!

I have been home two days and all of this hilarity has ensued. Enjoy.
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(After seeing a bell ringer outside a store who looked like a pirate)

Cousin's wife: "He looks like...who's that guy on the Captain Morgan label?"
Me: "I believe that would be Captain Morgan"
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Crazy Aunt: "As soon as you land mijo, we have to go shopping for Christmas gifts. Then we have to come home and move furniture and clean for company."
Me: "...I don't live here anymore, I AM company."
Crazy Aunt: "No no no, we have to clean for better company."

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(While building an entertainment center for my niece's new TV)

Me: "Is the hammer still in this drawer?"
Uncle: "Yeah, it should be. I thought you already finished that?"
Me: "I finished screwing but now I have to hammer."
Cousin: "Didn't you have to both hammer and screw on the last thing you built too?"
Me: "Yep. Most furniture requires hammering and screwing."
Uncle: "Don't hurt yourself while hammering."
Cousin: "It is more dangerous than screwing."
Me: "Which is why I screw regularly but only hammer occasionally."

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Friend: Whatcha doin'?
Me: I just finished Christmas shopping
Me: I hate people
Friend: LOL
Me: In the stores! Not the people I'm shopping for! lol

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(After paying off some woman's layaway tab at Wal-Mart)

Me: She seemed all kindsa shocked that someone would do that for her
Sister: Well maybe she was confused. You look like the kinda guy whose g-string she should be stuffing money into. Not one she should be getting money from.

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(While watching "A Very Brady Christmas" at 2AM for no reason whatsoever)

Brother: "This is lame, can we watch something else?"

Cousin: "No! This is the perfect holiday movie. It's about a bunch of white kids who grew up in the burbs and had dreams and shit then became adults who got fucked over by life. Cindy can't trap herself a man. Jan married a gay man. Peter's a slut who prob has syphilis. Bobby is ugly. Greg's wife doesn't put out and hates his family."

Brother: "What about Marsha?"

Me: "She married a man named Wally. Life screwed her over too."

Cousin: "Probably worse than the rest of them, honestly."

Brother: "Enough said."

Aunt: "Better syphilis than a Wally."

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Me: Well what the hell do we do now that the world hasn't ended? I was so looking forward to the horsemen or zombies or something.
Me: Now I'm like a kid whose dad said he'd see them on Friday but then the dude never showed up.
Friend: LOL
Friend: Both are assholes for not showing up

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Friend: I am not so sure of that anymore
Me: Sure of what?
Friend: Of you loving me
Me: Seriously?
Friend: Nope.
Me: Good. Bc I ALWAYS love you more today than yesterday
Me: And now that we know there will be a tomorrow, I'll love you more then
Friend: LOL yeah...suck it Mayans!

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More to come in the next week, I'm sure. I adore these goofballs.