You Really Can't Be Serious If You Have To Ask Me Why, I Say Goodbye

Well, guess who finally grew a pair and told the she-devil who has had WAY too much control over him the last year and a half to hit the bricks? Ok, I'll tell you, it's me. And if ever there were a perfect time to do it, today was the day. Twice in the past week I've had medical issues and neither time did I get any sympathy from her. The first time she didn't care because a friend's father had just died and that took precedence over my silly little medical issue. The second time she actually talked to me about the medical stuff for a few, before saying she had to go because a friend had shown up at her door and they had to talk. I half understood that because the friend's mother is going through some stuff but the way she went about leaving the convo, by just saying 'gotta go, bye' and then hanging up put me over the edge. No, 'let's talk later' or 'get some rest and let me know how you're doing', just 'oh, someone better came along so I'm gonna go, later'. And I'm so fucking sick of that shit. I'm sick of being there when she needs someone and being cast out when she doesn't. I'm sick of feeling like such a damn burden. I'm sick of not being listened to, only to have her turn everything around on me so that she's the one who gets the apology. I don't know how anyone can be so ice cold to a person they claim to love. When I thought there might be some hope here, I texted her about talking things out. All she kept asking is whether or not I'm bowing out of us. I refused to answer that via text and said I'd rather we talk when she had time. The response spoke volumes. I got back silence. No more texts at all. So I called and listened to the phone ring to voicemail. I called again and she actually answered, sounding like she was in quite the jovial mood, but the phone cut off before I could say anything. I called yet again, no answer. Again, no answer. I gave myself a deadline of calling only until the top of the hour, and got no answer over and over again. And I know she was getting the calls because some were sent to voicemail after a few rings. As all this is unfolding, there are no texts saying she's busy and we'll talk later. No texts saying not to call anymore for whatever reason. Nothing. And I'm tired of nothing. It's all I've ever gotten from her. Twenty minutes after my last call she texted with' "What? I told you I was in a meeting". Right, you're in a "meeting" at midnight. I don't buy that for a second. I never responded to the texts, as far as I'm concerned she officially cut the cord when she chose not to answer the phone. Ice fucking cold til the end.
I went completely soft in this relationship and I'll never understand why. It's not like she's so amazing that it's worth the pain and the fighting. She didn't even offer me something I couldn't get elsewhere and it certainly was not the safest, most secure relationship I've ever been in. Why I wasn't able to walk away sooner baffles me. I know it used to be guilt; I felt bad leaving her to deal with all the negative crap in her life all by herself. Her family is a mess, most of her friends are fair-weather, and she hasn't landed a full-time gig since before we even began. That's the reason I didn't end it around this time a year ago, I still cared and wanted to be there for her. But the last six months or so (and maybe longer)...I don't know. It hasn't been about guilt. The dynamic has changed quite a bit between us. All of a sudden she got brave or something and a switch flipped that caused her to think she can do and say whatever she wants to me, no matter how abhorrent. And I've taken it. Because, every now and then, I remember how things used to be and I wish they were that way again. Until common sense makes an appearance, usually right around the time she's yelling at me about something. And I realize things will never be good again. I'm not happy and haven't been for some time. I've felt trapped 50% of the time and suffocated the other 50%. It's largely my own fault, I know. Even though I cared about her, I still had the power to not get sucked into her drama all the time. I could've said no, could've changed my number and erased her from my life. Hell, I tried. But I still could not slip her grasp. It's like I needed to get all the way into apathy mode before I finally understood it was time to go. And I've noticed it happening for months now. I've slowly stopped caring about things I used to ask her about and issues I used to want to help her work out. And that really hit home a few weeks ago when she threatened to hang up on me mid-argument and I told her I honestly wouldn't care if she did. I could tell it caught her off guard, that she was realizing the hold she had on me was slipping. Since then she's only had two settings - nasty or nastier. But then I guess she's always only had two settings, either she's a bully or she's a victim, sometimes all within the span of a few seconds. It was fascinating to watch but too much drama to deal with. In the end, we were both just getting by. She'd call when she needed something and I'd listen to her problems. She'd listen to mine and give this BS about wanting to be there for me and how we're a team. But once she was done breaking down, she'd go back to her oh so busy life and that was that.
So many things about her both fascinate and confuse me. She claims I demand so much from her, but that's never been the case. I've noticed subtle changes in the way we deal with each other and that is what I've tried to point out to her. We used to be somewhat functional and give each other a heads up about things. If she was gonna be out all night and not be able to talk, she'd say as much and everything was fine. Even if she was out til two, she'd still text before she went to sleep. Now she just disappears for hours and rarely texts me when she gets home from her nights out. When she finally does text the following day and I express disappointment about having not heard from her, she goes all dramatic and says I'm high maintenance. Then she talks about how she's not sure she can handle how high my expectations of her are. I'm sorry but I've NEVER had a relationship where asking for a single text was considered "high maintenance", or was such an unreasonable thing to expect. It's a matter of making sure you're, you know, alive after your nights out. But she made me seem like I wanted to clock her every move, which couldn't be further from the truth. The kicker is that when the shoe is on the other foot and I go MIA for hours, I get ten texts asking if I'm out hooking up with someone. Or at least I used to, back when she cared. Now she can't even be bothered to text that. She'll ask to talk later in the day, then tell me she's hanging with a friend at 7 and never text me again. Then she gets bent when I'm unable to talk the next night because I have plans. Yet I'M the one who demands too much. It makes no sense. The irony is that at the moment, I've never expected less from her. I don't expect "let's talk later for sure" to ever pan out. I know I won't wake up to a single text from her, even if she knows I was having medical issues the night before. I no longer buy into anything she's selling because I now know just what a terrible investment that is. And the more she claims this person she's become isn't her, the less I believe it.
So where do we stand now? Well, I'm on the, "don't give a fuck" side of the fence that she's still on top of. We had it out in nasty fashion the other day and she tried to impose some kind of deadline on us deciding whether we're together or not. But I don't do ultimatums. I leave for home in a week's time and will be gone the rest of the year. She swears up and down that if we're not a couple by this weekend, she's walking away. And that sounds eerily familiar to the ultimatum she issued this same time last year...that was followed by a second ultimatum around New Years Eve. However this holiday season seems to have brought with it the gift of apathy, so maybe she'll stick to her guns. If she does, then great. If she doesn't, then I guess I will have to actually block her number to avoid getting sucked back into the abyss again.