Last night was fantastic. It was just what I needed after a week that saw me unable to get any sleep for three consecutive nights, followed by one hell of a hangover after taking a wee bit too much of a sleeping aid (don't worry, ya'll, it was OTC and I never wanna take it again), followed by a few nights of decent sleep, followed by an endless argument with someone that just replays itself every time we speak. I spent most of yesterday annoyed and wishing it were already the weekend because as of Saturday, I am on vacay. I figured I'd just get by the next couple days and then I was home free. But G had other ideas. I posed a question to her early Wednesday morning about what exactly holding a grudge feels like, because I've never held one myself. I wasn't sure that she ever had either, but she was one of a handful of people I asked. She countered with wanting to know why I was asking and I could feel her getting ready to grab her torch and pitchfork. I told her I wasn't exactly holding a grudge against anybody, but I was wondering if I should call it a day on a couple of things in my life. A few hours later, and just when I needed it, she replied, "Whatever has you thinking this way is probably not as important as your brain is making it out to be. I hate to see your beautiful, vulnerable, sensitive soul fall victim to something like that. You're better than that, Giuseppe.". Two things about that caught my attention; first, she never uses my human name unless she's trying to prove a point, and second, she may be onto something. I replay things far too often in my head sometimes, I get overly worked up about them and they either end up working themselves out or not being as severe as I initially believed them to be.
G and I dipped even further into my psyche over dinner and she made a lot of good points about various things. I went off on some ridiculousness about how maybe I'm just no longer conditioned to be in a decent relationship, but she shut that noise down immediately. Admittedly, we don't know each other the way we used to, but certain traits never change and based off of those traits, she surmised that I can be in a functional, great relationship - but I need to apply myself. She reminded me that I always treated her as if I was trying to woo her, from night one and well past what was our end. She never got the apathetic, "I can take this or leave this" version of me that had taken the wheel during the Dark Ages. Despite the many stops and starts, being in a relationship with G was easy. Or at least it felt that way. No relationship is "easy", there are always challenges, but because of our mutual dislike of drama and the fact that we adored one another, it seemed to be easy. I don't expect that of every future relationship, but I can't imagine I would hitch my wagon to anyone who didn't make me want to woo them all the time. I know I can be a great boyfriend, I guess I just haven't had the motivation to be of late. I'd be lying if I said I went into those last couple of blind dates with a completely opened mind and heart. I stated recently that I've become too comfortable being on my own, but last night made me realize that has to change. Yes, I can fill my time and I don't need to be in something, and I won't be in anything that doesn't feel all the way right. But I gotta open up. Thank you, G for making me see the light and reminding me that what I am will be enough for the right person.
