The title of this post comes from a quote I read this morning. I always seem to read quite timely quotes when I'm on the verge of making a decision. But this one reminded me of so many things, as did the pointless conversation I foolishly engaged in about an hour after I read it. Two nights ago, this person and I were discussing something when she went MIA. She said nothing to me the following day until around midnight, and then proceeded to not respond to a single message after that. The next day, she departed on a trip to the opposite coast and, unbeknownst to me, thought that would aid in repairing whatever remained of a relationship between us. She drives a lot when she's on these trips and, in more decent times, we used to speak whenever she was driving (in hindsight, I'm guessing this was only because she was bored and so I was finally allowed some time). She didn't tell me of this plan, she didn't even ask me if I would be interested in it, she just assumed that she would call me and we'd chat away and it would be like old times. She called twice, both times I was busy and couldn't talk. We barely spoke at all, and when we did it was just mindless fighting. Always fighting, always about the same tired subjects.
I'd been doing some serious thinking since my talk with G the other night. Giving someone your attention is a conscious choice - you choose to do it, or you choose not to. Everyone is busy, everyone has lives, but if we care we find time amongst all the busy to reach out to those who are important to us. I have a more than full-time career, a child and a hectic travel schedule. I'm also terrible at keeping in touch a lot of the time anyway, so I don't return every single message or call. But I put a premium on returning the messages of certain people, I make the time for that no matter what. And they do the same, not just with me but with the other people in their lives that they consider most important. It's not a difficult thing to do, or at least it shouldn't be. And yet, this person makes it sound as if I'm asking them to crack some sort of impossible safe combination. This person makes me feel like a nag or like I'm high maintenance for wanting just the most basic of things. And I don't like that. I questioned on a few occasions if I was asking for too much before realizing how very little I was actually asking for. It amounts to either lifting a finger, or not lifting a finger. The defense is always that she's out or she's not going to be rude and respond to me while she's out. But I never asked for that. In fact, that's one of my biggest pet peeves, people being on their phones while they're at dinner. I don't do that, I don't expect anyone else to do that for me (I've scolded people for it in the past. I know, I have a problem.). She's not out 24/7, she's just choosing not to speak to me. She's making the conscious choice not to give me her attention. And I'm okay with that now.
We had a quick phone convo today in which she said, "I don't want to lose you". Had it not been said at the tail end of the conversation, I would've had plenty to say about that loaded sentence. If you don't want to lose me, then why aren't you doing the bare minimum to keep me? The behavior is much, much different than what she says she wants or will do. Even today, I gave her a very clear, black and white decision to make - she's in and shit radically changes, or she's out and that's the official end of it. She said she was in and, "yeah, we'll talk or whatever" in such an annoyed tone that I wanted to tell her not to bother. Because I knew what would be coming, same old shit but a different day. Neither of us trust each other, and I realize I don't care if we ever do. And that's a sign. My patience ran out last year. I was more than willing to compromise on some things, but not if I continue to be the only one to do so. She's always wanted it both ways and that doesn't appear to be something that will change.
I'm not sure if I have hit the, "Never give them your attention again" phase, but I am right up against that wall at the moment. Part of me thinks I should just move the fuck on, she's already shown she isn't interested in changing anything. But the other part, that annoying part that still cares, would like to see things through. That second part is slowing decreasing though; with every unfinished conversation, every unreturned text, every fight. I don't have time for drama anymore. She's the only person I argue with and I really could do without it. So we'll see what happens, I guess. I imagine her decision will be that she wants to continue on, but it will come with many caveats that absolve her of actually having to try. And when (not if) that happens, that'll be it. I'm done compromising myself for the sake of this shit.
