You know that thing where you should care about something, but then you suddenly realize you don't? That happened to me this morning. And I sort of just disconnected from the thing I should've cared about. The situation I was in with this other person was undefined and complicated and was not going to become defined or uncomplicated anytime soon. I realized that while neither of us are anything to one another, I started to unconsciously put relationship-esque expectations on things. And that wasn't fair to either of us. I'm sympathetic to the things she's going through and I hope they all work out, but I had to let her know that this was just not working at the moment. I told her she can drop me a line down the road if things ever slow down for her, but that we can't do this day to day thing anymore. She made a number of comments last week about how she's trying to change things for herself and become a happier person so that she can land the things she wants out of life. I was skeptical because she's said such things before and not really followed through. However, maybe this will be the time she does and maybe she'll find what she's looking for at the end of it all. I always find it nice when people end up the way they want to be.
Someone on the build site this morning joked with me about how I chose to spend my vacation down here working, rather than kicking back on a beach somewhere doing nothing. And yeah, dude is probably right. But idle hands make idle men and if there's one thing I rarely am, it's idle. This trip has extra significance for me because it's the first time my niece, Miss R, is able to build right along with me. She turns 17 (Jesus...) this month and she's wanted to be down here helping out with me for years now, so it's awesome to finally be able to do it. I can't wait to do the same with Miss N in another eight years when she's old enough. I've found I do some of my best thinking when I'm doing random things. Everyone knows that when I'm particularly troubled, or have a big decision to make, I clean my kitchen (random, like I said). It may seem odd, but it's actually a way to get out of my own head whilst simultaneously sorting through everything going on in my head. And building seems to provide that same kind of escapism. This morning my mind wandered into some interesting places while I was shingling a roof, of all things. I could see everyone else doing their respective tasks, Miss R included, and I thought how great it was to have made it to this point in my life. And then I thought how awesome it would be if I found a partner who also enjoyed this type of giving back. Not someone who does it because I do it and they feel obligated, but someone who genuinely wants to help others. Obviously, I hope we have more in common than just that, but I find that kind of altruism attractive. As I was up there on that roof peering down on the world, I thought about how I'd love to be back in that same position in eight years time, staring down at Miss N and a Mrs.. That would make me happy. Here's hoping it's in the cards.
