S missed the Carrasco birthdays bash because of a work commitment. At this bash, we all had to compromise on which cake to get because everyone wanted something different. Needless to say, I was not happy. (I still ate it though because cake.)
Me: I'm glad your show went well. But we did miss you at the Gitmo-themed birthday bash.
S: LOL. I love how one cake ruined your entire 35th year.
Me: One WRONG cake, S.
S: What cake did you want?
Me: Chocolate with whipped icing.
S: And what kind did you get?
Me: Chocolate with buttercream icing.
S: That's...the same damn thing.
Me: Uh, NO. You're so uneducated in the ways of baking. Buttercream is shortening-based and thick. Whereas whipped icing, or Whippy as us cool kids call it, is light and airy and makes me wanna roll around in it like Madonna in a white dress on the VMA's.
S: LMAO. First of all, you're a fucking poet with that Madonna reference. Second, if you ever decide to switch teams, I know a number of men who would fall hard for you, you poetry-spewing SOB. Thirdly, if you're upset because you didn't get a Whippy for your birthday, maybe you've already switched teams.
S: LOL. I love how one cake ruined your entire 35th year.
Me: One WRONG cake, S.
S: What cake did you want?
Me: Chocolate with whipped icing.
S: And what kind did you get?
Me: Chocolate with buttercream icing.
S: That's...the same damn thing.
Me: Uh, NO. You're so uneducated in the ways of baking. Buttercream is shortening-based and thick. Whereas whipped icing, or Whippy as us cool kids call it, is light and airy and makes me wanna roll around in it like Madonna in a white dress on the VMA's.
S: LMAO. First of all, you're a fucking poet with that Madonna reference. Second, if you ever decide to switch teams, I know a number of men who would fall hard for you, you poetry-spewing SOB. Thirdly, if you're upset because you didn't get a Whippy for your birthday, maybe you've already switched teams.
Me: LOL. The irony being I was upset I didn't get a Whippy at Gitmo. #WhippysAndWaterboardingAndCake #OhMy
S: LMAO. I bow to you, good sir.
S: LMAO. I bow to you, good sir.
===============
Then, one of my former flames gave birth to a youngin. And on my birthday, no less.
Her: So the baby was born on your birthday.
Me: is it mine?
Her: He's blond
Me: ...Miss N was blonde...
Her: Yes, but no one in either of our bio families is blonde. Thus, you and I could not have a blonde child. Plus, he's pasty as hell.
Me: lol Maybe I should've knocked you up then. I live in fear of having an actual blonde child someday. People without dark hair are closer to the devil than they know. Congrats though.
Her: LOL. You know...now that I think about it, he did start chatting up the nurses five minutes outta the womb...and my great aunt is blonde...hmm...
Me: *cries out in Luke Skywalker Vader is yo daddy angst* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Her: LMAO. Please do that in the delivery room with your next baby. Scrubs and all. Then film it. Then, strip off the scrubs.
Me: LOL. So basically omit the birth part and make a dirty movie.
Her: lol Please and thank you.
Me: is it mine?
Her: He's blond
Me: ...Miss N was blonde...
Her: Yes, but no one in either of our bio families is blonde. Thus, you and I could not have a blonde child. Plus, he's pasty as hell.
Me: lol Maybe I should've knocked you up then. I live in fear of having an actual blonde child someday. People without dark hair are closer to the devil than they know. Congrats though.
Her: LOL. You know...now that I think about it, he did start chatting up the nurses five minutes outta the womb...and my great aunt is blonde...hmm...
Me: *cries out in Luke Skywalker Vader is yo daddy angst* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Her: LMAO. Please do that in the delivery room with your next baby. Scrubs and all. Then film it. Then, strip off the scrubs.
Me: LOL. So basically omit the birth part and make a dirty movie.
Her: lol Please and thank you.
===============
And finally, my beloved mom came into town for the first time in ever and brought along some...um...news.
Mom: One of my co-workers asked if you were single and I can't stand her so I said you're gay.
Me: *Blank, confused stare*
Mom: Let me walk you through it! She asked if you were single and I said yes, but you have a kid and she said she loved kids. So I said you're picky and she said she likes a challenge. I had no choice but to go for the gay!
Me: LOL. Go for the gay
Mom: But then after she walked away, another co-worker came up and asked if he could have your number. I didn't give it to him but if you ever visit my work and he's there at the same time, you may have to date him once. I don't want to look like I lied.
Me: lol You DID lie, Ma.
Mom: I know but I don't want it to LOOK that way. Remember, these are people who say they can't imagine me at a bar. Also, they're my underlings. If they think I'm a liar, things might get weird.
Me: I know you're a liar and things aren't weird. Until this conversation, anyway.
Mom: You hush! I don't need to be lectured about how to live my life from my gay son!
