"Addict: 1. To give oneself up to a strong habit 2. To become addicted to a habit, as to using drugs."
That is the definition of an addict or an addiction. I do not think I was an addict. Now, this whole thing came up this morning because my girlfriend heard some stuff about what I now refer to as 'the dark ages'. I never fully told her about stuff that happened during that time because I don't like to re-live it. I told her what was important but I can't blame her for wanting to know the whole story.
Back when I was in my depressive phase, which lasted a good number of years, I was into just about anything self-destructive. I drank a lot, and I can drink a lot since genetics has made it virtually impossible for me to actually get drunk. And I slept around, as has been documented here. But what I never addressed until last year was that I took to popping pills around the second year of my issues. Even now, I couldn't tell you for sure what they were. One day I opened up the medicine cabinet for Advil and saw a shelf full of leftover drugs from my accident and recovery. So, I took one and it snowballed from there. I would never like have to take them to function or anything. It was more like whenever I was bored or alone...or had just come home from doing something I knew I shouldn't have been doing. Often, I'd chase whatever I took with alcohol. Given my family's history of addiction, was it stupid to even take the risk? Obviously. Even more of a risk was that I was already on other medications and had no clue if they would interact with each other. I wasn't trying to hurt myself or kill myself at all. Obviously I didn't care much for myself at the time but I would never try to take my own life. They helped silence everything. I can't say I was ever actually high on any of them (I don't think they even were able to have such an effect).
My family found out what I was doing after a long period of time (I was good at secrets) but no one person knew everything. Some knew about the drinking, some about the sex, no one really about the pills. Then, I just slowly came to realize that I needed to snap out of this whole thing and I scaled back on the drinking and quit taking everything except what I actually had to. I stopped sleeping with anyone and I stopped half-assing my way in and out of relationships. That wasn't what I needed at the time. And I never meant to hurt anyone else in the first place, which is what my relationship issues were doing. Even though I was finally making and effort and coming out of everything, some members of my family thought I wouldn't be able to do it on my own, thus considering me an addict. I never had withdrawal from anything that I gave up and I literally decided one day not to do it anymore and I haven't since. But every time I talked to someone, they'd ask where I was or what I was doing or where I'd been the night before and if I'd been doing something self-destructive. It got annoying after awhile so last year I asked a counselor who'd been helping one of best friends with his past addiction if we could talk. He took me on and confirmed what I already knew; that I got lucky in not becoming dependent upon anything I was doing. And then, he gave the family some ammo; I do, indeed, have self-destructive tendencies. Well...ya can't win 'em all. At least I rarely get asked if I'm being 'self-destructive' anymore. And I know I have everything in check, though the good doctor says I do tend to lean toward 'addict thinking' every now and again. Whatever. I still drink, but I don't overdo it. I don't take any pill unles I absolutely have to (post-surgery, etc.), I don't even take Tylenol anymore so there's no trouble there. And I'm very happily a one woman man so sex isn't an issue either. Even as I write this, I don't believe I was ever an addict and I should know, I've seen a few friends go through rehab that were serious addicts. I'm just glad it's behind me now.
