I'm trying to figure out how to best put down exactly how I feel at the moment. First, this whole big marriage thing. I remember going to my first gay wedding about a month ago and thinking about just how much this couple had to go through to get to the altar. The second it became legal, they started planning their day. And part of me feels stupid for doing this whole yo-yo thing with the idea of getting married. But it's not like it's solely my decision anyway.
Then, I look at the other weddings I've been to in the last few years. My little brother and his wife are junior high school sweethearts and I can't think of any two people more meant for each other. They have a son, the one I often refer to in my posts that I care for a lot of the time. They love each other and they were relatively problem free for most of their relationship. Then as their wedding approached last November, there was a chance it might not happen at all because they both started having doubts. I've always figured it was just nerves. And I was right because even though they had some slight issues after the wedding, they've pretty much settled in and are extremely happy. This is a good example. What they have is amazing and I'm glad they're so happy. That said, I still haven't heard any great reviews about the difference between before the wedding and after.
Everyone has an opinion on why I am so hesitant to take that walk. My theory is this: change and I are arch rivals and, though it often wins, I still do my best to avoid it. My mother is extremely opposed to the idea of my never getting married. She has this whole big thing about women getting too...I don't know, relaxed with their men and allowing them to stick around without a firm commitment and signed document. Mind you, my mom has never been married. She never harassed my brother or sister about getting hitched after they had kids because they were young and she knew it was stupid to get married just because you're knocked up. I'm grown, so I know I don't have to do what my mommy tells me. But lately, it's been getting a tad bit on my nerves.
About this whole change thing...I've never dealt well with change but I've noticed it hasn't been as big a factor in my life the last little while. I don't know what it is, but in the last year I've become a parent and dealt with numerous things amongst the family and friends that should have shaken me much more than they did. And yet, nothing's really affected me. It's just kinda all rolled off of me and I've moved on. On one hand, that seems like some sort of progress. On the other, I'm terrified of what may be on the horizon and whether or not it'll be some kind of monumental change that sends me running for cover. Maybe it's just worrying for nothing. Maybe it's legit...I don't really know. It's not like I have a bad feeling or anything. I'm just curious.
