Thursday, December 10, 2009
The Countdown Is On...
My newest niece is due in exactly 19 days but I don't think it's going to take her that long to arrive. About a week ago my sister-in-law thought she was going into labor so the whole house is awake at 3 a.m. to sit around and wait until she was sure that she was actually in labor. She wasn't so everyone went back to bed. Three nights ago, same thing happened but at 10 p.m. Last night she thought she was in labor during 'The Biggest Loser' finale and swore that she'd have that baby in the living room if this was the real thing. Fortunately for my living room carpet, it was another false alarm. So here we sit still waiting and now more convinced than ever that she's gonna be here before Christmas, which would thrill my mom to no end. My mom has been saying since Thanksgiving that the baby is gonna be here well before her due date. I didn't think so at the time because how often does something happen on time or early when you're completely prepared for it? One would assume that since the nursery is done and we're stocked up on all things baby that she would take her sweet time actually getting here. Although I guess we're not all ready. I just started sleeping well again about a month ago and now that'll be a thing of the past. Should make for an interesting Christmas.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Slipping In My Faith Until I Fall
When I was 13 years old I met the first love of my life. She was my sisters best friend and it was instant chemistry. Neither of us was allowed to date but we did anyway out of the view of the parental units.I can't even find the words to describe the chemistry and the connection and the way she made me feel. Half the time we were in each other's heads which at first was creepy but later on it was a great feeling to know someone knew me that well and cared about me that much. She loved the same things I did; art, music, creating, learning. The things she didn't love, she took an interest in because I loved them (primarily hockey). She was sweet and incredibly intelligent and had this way of making you feel like you were the most important person in the world when she looked at you. She listened like there was nowhere else on earth she wanted to be but hearing me speak. She made me laugh more than anyone ever had before or has since. She made me feel safe and stable, something I've also rarely felt since we ended. She made me think. She made me want to be better and do things to make her smile.
But our relationship was a constant challenge. Her father was military strict when they were growing up and though her parents had divorced and he'd moved out by the time we met, living in that environment for so long had taken its toll. She desperately wanted a normal father/daughter relationship with that man, somehow she still adored him, but he was completely uninterested. I didn't think her issues with him should have anything to do with us but now I realize that they had major impact on our relationship. There was not a dude in her life she'd ever had a stable, mutual respect type relationship with. Every man in her life had let her down so naturally she expected me to do the same. He passed away when she was 17 and that sent her into all kinds of turmoil. She started drinking and when she drank she became this other person that I didn't like at all. We battled it out and tried to settle in as a couple but it became more difficult when we both went off to college. There was never enough time for one another and we were never just fine. There was always drama and especially because she wouldn't (or couldn't) deal with her father and his life and death. When it started to threaten our friendship when we were 19, we ended our romantic relationship. I still adored her, I knew that someday we'd be back together and it would work when we were both ready for forever.
We started seeing other people and still hung out as friends after getting over the initial split. She was my greatest collaborator and my harshest critic. I loved that. She started counseling and stopped drinking and dealt with her dad issues and family issues. Her progress was amazing, I was so proud of her and I told her as much. After almost two years apart, and now in our early 20's, she asked for my help on a project and we got to goofing around one day during work and something just clicked. Neither of us said anything or did anything. We were just ready to try again and we both knew it. Even though we were both now single, we didn't start dating right away. We gave it time and space to know it was right. But once we were back on, it was amazing. I felt the most insane electrical current run through me when she was around, from the very first time we met. I wanted to marry her, I wanted to have a family with her and I wanted the 'happily ever after' people talk about. We weren't that much older but it was such a liberating kind of love. We were a couple and we were in love but we weren't really tied down. There was an understanding that we'd be together until the end but we didn't feel suffocated by it. She was my best friend and there was never anyone I loved spending time with more than her. There was no drama, few fights and total acceptance.
We were just settling in when she went on a trip with her cousins to check out colleges (for the younger ones). I had to work so I couldn't go and we were kinda bummed about having to spend our birthdays apart. The day before she left we went to lunch and talked about going away when she came back to celebrate our birthdays, we were both turning 21 the same week. We kissed goodbye and she left. I didn't know that'd be the last time I ever saw her.
Four days into her trip she was killed in a car accident. I don't remember anything about the first time I heard the news. My mom says it went like this; two days after my birthday, she got the call and I saw her in distress as I was walking down the stairs and she told me what had happened (after she told me to sit down, which I refused to do). She says for the next few days I went into denial. That I didn't wanna believe it and I couldn't accept it. I spent the next four days in my room alone. She doesn't know how I spent my time and I couldn't tell you for sure either. Some of my friends and family decided to get me out of the house and wanted me to meet them at a friends house so we could all go to a movie. I wandered downstairs and got into the car and started driving. That's the last thing I remember until I woke up in the hospital two weeks later. I'd been hit head-on by a drunk driver on a fairly deserted road and, if not for a group of cars having gotten lost, I'd be dead. The drunk driver was just a teenager and was killed instantly.
The worst part about the accident, for me, wasn't the physical pain or the surgeries that followed. It was having to be told all over again that she was gone. She was the first person I asked for when I woke up and I'm sure telling me that news again was one of the hardest things my mom has ever had to do in her life. I spent two months in the hospital being repaired physically and questioned psychologically. The million dollar question being whether or not I'd wrecked the car on purpose and the guy I hit just happened to be drunk. In the end the police determined that he'd been the one in the wrong lane and I wasn't at fault. I really didn't care whether anyone thought I'd tried to kill myself or not. I still couldn't believe what I'd lost. And I couldn't understand why I'd been the one to get out alive and not her. I didn't understand why she had to go at all. Once I was released from the hospital I needed round the clock care from friends and family for the next four months. It was a fog for me. I actually looked forward to the surgeries because I knew I'd be put under and I wouldn't have to think or hurt for those hours. I hated the physical therapy and I refused the counseling even though I'd been diagnosed with depression and I knew of my survivor's guilt. It was suffocating to think about any of that so I tried not to. I wrote a lot, all of it thoroughly depressing. They say a near death experience is supposed to shock you back into life and make you thankful for what you have and for a second chance. I didn't see it as a good thing at the time. I did die, twice in fact (once when brought into the ER for about 3 minutes and again during a surgery for 4 minutes), which should've made me thankful on a whole other level but it didn't.
My health was still very shaky when I went back to work late that year. I threw myself into work, I didn't talk about what a horrible year I'd had. I started dating, if you can call it that, to try and kill the pain. I started drinking more than I should've, staying out later than I needed to and I took to refilling my prescriptions long after they had expired. My family expressed their concern, although I hid the worst of my habits from them, and I ignored it. I started looking for some sort of connection, I needed something like I'd had to try and hold onto. Of course, those kinds of relationships are rare so I never found what I was looking for. I'd missed the funeral since I'd been in a coma when it was held and I didn't go to the grave site.
Three years after her death I was still going through the grieving process. Still doing everything I shouldn't but I toned it down some so that my family would get off my back and I could function. I started dating someone I'd known for a very long time and I was desperate for some kind of connection. Three months in she said she wanted to marry me and a few months after that I proposed. I was happy and I'd curbed every bad habit I'd been indulging in. My family was thrilled about my habits being curbed and I was looking forward to a New Years Eve wedding. But that didn't pan out because she had someone else on the side and once his divorce was final, she ended it with me and went to be with him. And I fell back into my old habits at an alarmingly fast rate. I threw myself into the night life and everything that came with it. I spent most of my free time alone. And I read a lot about anything that would take my mind off of my problems. I read a lot about religion, I mean all of 'em. I looked for answers and reasons and I didn't find anything. I got so sick of hearing things about god's will and everything happening for a reason. We weren't exactly on good terms. I spiraled for a long time.
I finally decided I needed to get help and I sought out an acquaintance who is an addiction specialist, amongst other things so I could get my act together. I stopped drinking on my own and then we started our sessions and almost immediately I started to feel the weight coming off of me. So much of what I was feeling was guilt. I felt like I should've been there, I could've done something to change the outcome. Or I shouldn't have broken it off after her dad died and we would've had more time together. But I know now that I couldn't have changed anything. It happened the way it was meant to, as devastating as it is for me to say that. I started getting assignments from him that would make me go over my relationships with women and what I'd done wrong or right. It was a long, slow process but it worked...for the most part. I still drifted in and out of my bad habits for another few months until the death of a family member shocked me back for good. Two weeks after that I found out I was gonna be a father and knew my old ways had to be gone for good for the sake of the kid.
Even though I'm happy and settled and through the worst of it (I hope), it's still an ongoing process. I learned so, SO much from her. Though I didn't learn most of it until the past few years. I learned how to fight fair. I learned that sometimes all you can do is be there for someone and that's enough. I learned that you have to always say how you feel because the end could come at any time. Not a day went by that I didn't tell her how much I loved her. I learned how to open up and be completely vulnerable. I learned to let go of the little things cuz they don't matter. My only regret is that she had to leave for me to learn any of this. I'll always love her on some level and I'll always miss her. And the pain of everything I went through won't ever go away. I don't need to be fixed or saved or find god. I did need to feel connected to something though and thankfully I found that in my spirituality. But I learned that nothing helps and the pain never fully goes away. It just hurts less with time. And I can live with that. I can tolerate the dreams (or nightmares) I have every so often about her. Life does go on but it's never the same.
I have been told that I have tremendous faith and I'm never quite sure how to take it. Maybe people see something I don't when they say that. But I do believe everything is for a reason and that things work out for the best. You may not always understand the answer but you don't have to. Some things are meant to be that way. I'll never understand why someone I loved so much was taken from me. I doubt I'll find that again, you're lucky if it happens once. But if I do I know I'll do whatever I can to hang onto it. I think I know more than most how rare it really is. One thing's for sure though, it ain't in this relationship. And we owe it to ourselves to try and find happiness.
But our relationship was a constant challenge. Her father was military strict when they were growing up and though her parents had divorced and he'd moved out by the time we met, living in that environment for so long had taken its toll. She desperately wanted a normal father/daughter relationship with that man, somehow she still adored him, but he was completely uninterested. I didn't think her issues with him should have anything to do with us but now I realize that they had major impact on our relationship. There was not a dude in her life she'd ever had a stable, mutual respect type relationship with. Every man in her life had let her down so naturally she expected me to do the same. He passed away when she was 17 and that sent her into all kinds of turmoil. She started drinking and when she drank she became this other person that I didn't like at all. We battled it out and tried to settle in as a couple but it became more difficult when we both went off to college. There was never enough time for one another and we were never just fine. There was always drama and especially because she wouldn't (or couldn't) deal with her father and his life and death. When it started to threaten our friendship when we were 19, we ended our romantic relationship. I still adored her, I knew that someday we'd be back together and it would work when we were both ready for forever.
We started seeing other people and still hung out as friends after getting over the initial split. She was my greatest collaborator and my harshest critic. I loved that. She started counseling and stopped drinking and dealt with her dad issues and family issues. Her progress was amazing, I was so proud of her and I told her as much. After almost two years apart, and now in our early 20's, she asked for my help on a project and we got to goofing around one day during work and something just clicked. Neither of us said anything or did anything. We were just ready to try again and we both knew it. Even though we were both now single, we didn't start dating right away. We gave it time and space to know it was right. But once we were back on, it was amazing. I felt the most insane electrical current run through me when she was around, from the very first time we met. I wanted to marry her, I wanted to have a family with her and I wanted the 'happily ever after' people talk about. We weren't that much older but it was such a liberating kind of love. We were a couple and we were in love but we weren't really tied down. There was an understanding that we'd be together until the end but we didn't feel suffocated by it. She was my best friend and there was never anyone I loved spending time with more than her. There was no drama, few fights and total acceptance.
We were just settling in when she went on a trip with her cousins to check out colleges (for the younger ones). I had to work so I couldn't go and we were kinda bummed about having to spend our birthdays apart. The day before she left we went to lunch and talked about going away when she came back to celebrate our birthdays, we were both turning 21 the same week. We kissed goodbye and she left. I didn't know that'd be the last time I ever saw her.
Four days into her trip she was killed in a car accident. I don't remember anything about the first time I heard the news. My mom says it went like this; two days after my birthday, she got the call and I saw her in distress as I was walking down the stairs and she told me what had happened (after she told me to sit down, which I refused to do). She says for the next few days I went into denial. That I didn't wanna believe it and I couldn't accept it. I spent the next four days in my room alone. She doesn't know how I spent my time and I couldn't tell you for sure either. Some of my friends and family decided to get me out of the house and wanted me to meet them at a friends house so we could all go to a movie. I wandered downstairs and got into the car and started driving. That's the last thing I remember until I woke up in the hospital two weeks later. I'd been hit head-on by a drunk driver on a fairly deserted road and, if not for a group of cars having gotten lost, I'd be dead. The drunk driver was just a teenager and was killed instantly.
The worst part about the accident, for me, wasn't the physical pain or the surgeries that followed. It was having to be told all over again that she was gone. She was the first person I asked for when I woke up and I'm sure telling me that news again was one of the hardest things my mom has ever had to do in her life. I spent two months in the hospital being repaired physically and questioned psychologically. The million dollar question being whether or not I'd wrecked the car on purpose and the guy I hit just happened to be drunk. In the end the police determined that he'd been the one in the wrong lane and I wasn't at fault. I really didn't care whether anyone thought I'd tried to kill myself or not. I still couldn't believe what I'd lost. And I couldn't understand why I'd been the one to get out alive and not her. I didn't understand why she had to go at all. Once I was released from the hospital I needed round the clock care from friends and family for the next four months. It was a fog for me. I actually looked forward to the surgeries because I knew I'd be put under and I wouldn't have to think or hurt for those hours. I hated the physical therapy and I refused the counseling even though I'd been diagnosed with depression and I knew of my survivor's guilt. It was suffocating to think about any of that so I tried not to. I wrote a lot, all of it thoroughly depressing. They say a near death experience is supposed to shock you back into life and make you thankful for what you have and for a second chance. I didn't see it as a good thing at the time. I did die, twice in fact (once when brought into the ER for about 3 minutes and again during a surgery for 4 minutes), which should've made me thankful on a whole other level but it didn't.
My health was still very shaky when I went back to work late that year. I threw myself into work, I didn't talk about what a horrible year I'd had. I started dating, if you can call it that, to try and kill the pain. I started drinking more than I should've, staying out later than I needed to and I took to refilling my prescriptions long after they had expired. My family expressed their concern, although I hid the worst of my habits from them, and I ignored it. I started looking for some sort of connection, I needed something like I'd had to try and hold onto. Of course, those kinds of relationships are rare so I never found what I was looking for. I'd missed the funeral since I'd been in a coma when it was held and I didn't go to the grave site.
Three years after her death I was still going through the grieving process. Still doing everything I shouldn't but I toned it down some so that my family would get off my back and I could function. I started dating someone I'd known for a very long time and I was desperate for some kind of connection. Three months in she said she wanted to marry me and a few months after that I proposed. I was happy and I'd curbed every bad habit I'd been indulging in. My family was thrilled about my habits being curbed and I was looking forward to a New Years Eve wedding. But that didn't pan out because she had someone else on the side and once his divorce was final, she ended it with me and went to be with him. And I fell back into my old habits at an alarmingly fast rate. I threw myself into the night life and everything that came with it. I spent most of my free time alone. And I read a lot about anything that would take my mind off of my problems. I read a lot about religion, I mean all of 'em. I looked for answers and reasons and I didn't find anything. I got so sick of hearing things about god's will and everything happening for a reason. We weren't exactly on good terms. I spiraled for a long time.
I finally decided I needed to get help and I sought out an acquaintance who is an addiction specialist, amongst other things so I could get my act together. I stopped drinking on my own and then we started our sessions and almost immediately I started to feel the weight coming off of me. So much of what I was feeling was guilt. I felt like I should've been there, I could've done something to change the outcome. Or I shouldn't have broken it off after her dad died and we would've had more time together. But I know now that I couldn't have changed anything. It happened the way it was meant to, as devastating as it is for me to say that. I started getting assignments from him that would make me go over my relationships with women and what I'd done wrong or right. It was a long, slow process but it worked...for the most part. I still drifted in and out of my bad habits for another few months until the death of a family member shocked me back for good. Two weeks after that I found out I was gonna be a father and knew my old ways had to be gone for good for the sake of the kid.
Even though I'm happy and settled and through the worst of it (I hope), it's still an ongoing process. I learned so, SO much from her. Though I didn't learn most of it until the past few years. I learned how to fight fair. I learned that sometimes all you can do is be there for someone and that's enough. I learned that you have to always say how you feel because the end could come at any time. Not a day went by that I didn't tell her how much I loved her. I learned how to open up and be completely vulnerable. I learned to let go of the little things cuz they don't matter. My only regret is that she had to leave for me to learn any of this. I'll always love her on some level and I'll always miss her. And the pain of everything I went through won't ever go away. I don't need to be fixed or saved or find god. I did need to feel connected to something though and thankfully I found that in my spirituality. But I learned that nothing helps and the pain never fully goes away. It just hurts less with time. And I can live with that. I can tolerate the dreams (or nightmares) I have every so often about her. Life does go on but it's never the same.
I have been told that I have tremendous faith and I'm never quite sure how to take it. Maybe people see something I don't when they say that. But I do believe everything is for a reason and that things work out for the best. You may not always understand the answer but you don't have to. Some things are meant to be that way. I'll never understand why someone I loved so much was taken from me. I doubt I'll find that again, you're lucky if it happens once. But if I do I know I'll do whatever I can to hang onto it. I think I know more than most how rare it really is. One thing's for sure though, it ain't in this relationship. And we owe it to ourselves to try and find happiness.
But lately, my relationship with my girlfriend has been going through the motions. No passion, love for the baby but no so much for each other. We don't fight but we're not in love and this is no way to live. My faith in our relationship as lovers is not just shaken, it's completely gone. I will always, ALWAYS love her as the mother of my child and as one of my greatest friends. But I think we've reached the end of our romantic road. I no longer feel conflicted about us and I don't feel bad about 'breaking up' our family. This is best for both of us and for our girl and everyone knows it. I just have to be the one to say it.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Latino In America
I watched this special on CNN last week and I can't say I was all that surprised by what I saw. I thought it was well done and it took a look at things that are issues for us in this country. I was born and raised in the U.S. and grew up in a barrio in a two bedroom house with my grandma, mom, aunt, uncles and cousins and siblings. The neighborhood was no good and there were shootings across the street and three blocks up when I was a kid. There were police helicopters one night chasing down two guys involved in a drug bust. But I can't say I was ever really afraid to live in that neighborhood. When that's all you know and you grow up in the midst of it everyday, I don't think you can be afraid of it. I had a wonderful childhood. We could ride our bikes around the block without incident and stay up late in the backyard without worrying about being kidnapped or hurt. (Isn't it a shame that kids can't do such simple things anymore in ANY neighborhood?)
A year into high school we were forced to move and though I still attended the same school, I now lived in a predominately white neighborhood. And I mean WHITE. Seeing other Latinos was like seeing Bigfoot in this area. When I started working at a store in this city, probably about 97% of my co-workers were white. We all got along pretty well until one of the guys I would stop and chat with on a regular basis went off on a tirade about Mexicans (although I'm pretty sure he was equally biased against all Latinos) and how they should send every single one back to Mexico, citizen or not, because they're all useless and filthy. He threw in a few racial slurs for good measure. You can imagine how immediately upset I was but I did not rip into this dude because I knew there would be no changing his mind about it. He apparently had no clue that I was Latino and thought I would be a sympathetic ear for his racism. We didn't use last names at this particular workplace. He definitely woulda known I was Latino if he had. A few days later, I hear he asked a co-worker if I was Latino and said he didn't think I was because I have green eyes (seriously dude?).
I don't know where this notion of Latinos all having dark skin, hair and eyes comes from but it is ridiculously off. Having been discriminated against myself on more than one occasion, I could never discriminate against anyone else. And, to me, it doesn't matter if it's racial discrimination or sexual discrimination or whatever else. I just cannot do it. A huge part of it is how I was raised. I grew up in a totally color blind household and it didn't occur to me that not everyone else did until I was probably 8 or 9 years old. I had a parent/teacher conference and my mom, who is light skinned, walked into my classroom with me and my sister and my teacher asked where my parent was. It's a no brainer for me; 'this is my mom, how can everyone not tell?' Whereas now, I'm used to hearing surprise when I introduce her as my mother (until they hear us interact and crack smart ass comments, then everyone actually believes we're related). Part of CNN's special focused on a town that is 98% white and made headlines last year because a Latino man was beaten to death by a bunch of white teenagers. Doctors said this poor guy's brain literally was falling out of his skull. Despite the obvious violence involved in the attack and the witness (and former cop) who saw a great deal of it, it took the police force two weeks to investigate fully and bring charges. The charges that were brought were complete crap. Two were charged with manslaughter and all were charged with assault and underage drinking. None were charged with a hate crime even though the witness heard them yelling racial slurs during the beating and the victim was known to face issues with race on a daily basis because he was engaged to a white woman and they had two children together. The murderers all went to trial and all were acquitted of all charges and people watching the trial actually cheered when the verdicts were read. The whole story just made me sick. It still does. CNN interviewed residents of the town about whether they thought it was a hate crime and one woman was saying she believed it was. She was doing her interview in her front yard and after she said she believed the crime was racially motivated another young woman came from around the corner and started yelling at her for saying anyone in that town was racist and for "misleading" the public into thinking those boys were guilty. It almost turned into a fight.
The attitudes in this country on this issue are many and varied. But, as it stands right now, this is a civil rights battle. You have millions of illegal immigrants who were all but encouraged to come here for years by the government turning the other cheek when the wealthy hired undocumented workers on the cheap. Now, those same workers want to become citizens and chase their version of the American Dream and people want to discourage that why?? Illegal immigrants are here and a great deal of them have built families here and they want to keep those families together and contribute to this country and this economy. I don't know why so many people are on board with trying to keep someone else down. That doesn't help anything. It seems like so many people have forgotten that, unless you're Native American, you are not a native of America either. Nearly everyone came here from somewhere else, including the white folks (Columbus didn't discover America, the Native Americans were already here and he enslaved and killed them). And I'm so sick of hearing people talk about how "wrong" it is that people don't speak perfect English or have accents that no one can understand. As if speaking without an accent makes you more American or something. Spanish is my first language, I didn't learn English until I was 5-years-old, does that make me less American? Of course not. Bilingual is better down the line. My daughter will be bilingual and she's curently learning in spanglish in our household and I'm proud of it. This is a battle that's gonna rage on for quite some time. And that's a shame because the longer it goes on, the more some people will suffer.
A year into high school we were forced to move and though I still attended the same school, I now lived in a predominately white neighborhood. And I mean WHITE. Seeing other Latinos was like seeing Bigfoot in this area. When I started working at a store in this city, probably about 97% of my co-workers were white. We all got along pretty well until one of the guys I would stop and chat with on a regular basis went off on a tirade about Mexicans (although I'm pretty sure he was equally biased against all Latinos) and how they should send every single one back to Mexico, citizen or not, because they're all useless and filthy. He threw in a few racial slurs for good measure. You can imagine how immediately upset I was but I did not rip into this dude because I knew there would be no changing his mind about it. He apparently had no clue that I was Latino and thought I would be a sympathetic ear for his racism. We didn't use last names at this particular workplace. He definitely woulda known I was Latino if he had. A few days later, I hear he asked a co-worker if I was Latino and said he didn't think I was because I have green eyes (seriously dude?).
I don't know where this notion of Latinos all having dark skin, hair and eyes comes from but it is ridiculously off. Having been discriminated against myself on more than one occasion, I could never discriminate against anyone else. And, to me, it doesn't matter if it's racial discrimination or sexual discrimination or whatever else. I just cannot do it. A huge part of it is how I was raised. I grew up in a totally color blind household and it didn't occur to me that not everyone else did until I was probably 8 or 9 years old. I had a parent/teacher conference and my mom, who is light skinned, walked into my classroom with me and my sister and my teacher asked where my parent was. It's a no brainer for me; 'this is my mom, how can everyone not tell?' Whereas now, I'm used to hearing surprise when I introduce her as my mother (until they hear us interact and crack smart ass comments, then everyone actually believes we're related). Part of CNN's special focused on a town that is 98% white and made headlines last year because a Latino man was beaten to death by a bunch of white teenagers. Doctors said this poor guy's brain literally was falling out of his skull. Despite the obvious violence involved in the attack and the witness (and former cop) who saw a great deal of it, it took the police force two weeks to investigate fully and bring charges. The charges that were brought were complete crap. Two were charged with manslaughter and all were charged with assault and underage drinking. None were charged with a hate crime even though the witness heard them yelling racial slurs during the beating and the victim was known to face issues with race on a daily basis because he was engaged to a white woman and they had two children together. The murderers all went to trial and all were acquitted of all charges and people watching the trial actually cheered when the verdicts were read. The whole story just made me sick. It still does. CNN interviewed residents of the town about whether they thought it was a hate crime and one woman was saying she believed it was. She was doing her interview in her front yard and after she said she believed the crime was racially motivated another young woman came from around the corner and started yelling at her for saying anyone in that town was racist and for "misleading" the public into thinking those boys were guilty. It almost turned into a fight.
The attitudes in this country on this issue are many and varied. But, as it stands right now, this is a civil rights battle. You have millions of illegal immigrants who were all but encouraged to come here for years by the government turning the other cheek when the wealthy hired undocumented workers on the cheap. Now, those same workers want to become citizens and chase their version of the American Dream and people want to discourage that why?? Illegal immigrants are here and a great deal of them have built families here and they want to keep those families together and contribute to this country and this economy. I don't know why so many people are on board with trying to keep someone else down. That doesn't help anything. It seems like so many people have forgotten that, unless you're Native American, you are not a native of America either. Nearly everyone came here from somewhere else, including the white folks (Columbus didn't discover America, the Native Americans were already here and he enslaved and killed them). And I'm so sick of hearing people talk about how "wrong" it is that people don't speak perfect English or have accents that no one can understand. As if speaking without an accent makes you more American or something. Spanish is my first language, I didn't learn English until I was 5-years-old, does that make me less American? Of course not. Bilingual is better down the line. My daughter will be bilingual and she's curently learning in spanglish in our household and I'm proud of it. This is a battle that's gonna rage on for quite some time. And that's a shame because the longer it goes on, the more some people will suffer.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
The Grey Matter
Last week I found a grey hair in my beard and I shaved immediately. Like, could not shave fast enough. It was small and most people probably wouldn't have noticed it but I wanted nothing to do with it. This isn't the first time it's happened. About a year ago I found one on my chin and, again, shaved as soon as I saw it. Four years ago was when I saw my first grey hair and it was on my head. I was 24 years old and I was not in a good place at the time so my hair had grown out more than usual. I woke up and stared at myself in the mirror and noticed the grey and I cut my hair on the spot. (Do we notice a pattern here??)
I'm concerned about the length of time between grey hairs. It's shrinking with every birthday I celebrate. Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful for every birthday I see after my car accident. I just don't think I'm on board with the aging that they bring (especially as 30 looms on the horizon). People tell me all the time that I shouldn't worry about it, I'm 28 and I still look like I'm about 16. I've yet to buy alcohol without being carded, which is nice actually. None of my aunts or uncles or even my mother look their age, all are in their 50's and you'd never know it just by looking at them. But you can't control going grey. Since most of what determines going grey comes from the mother's side, I've started paying attention to my three uncles and what they've gone through so far.
Uncle A is pushing 60 and still has all of his hair and has no receding hairline. He's about 20% grey and the rest is still brown-ish. He's had a very slow greying process that started when he was about 35. I like this. However, Uncle B is in his mid-50's and his first grey hair surfaced when he was 27. By the time he was 35 his hair was almost all salt and pepper but his beard was still completely black. In the last three years all of his hair has gone white. I don't know about his beard yet, he hasn't grown one since his hair lost all coloring. Uncle C is the one that poses the most interesting scenario. He's 51 and his hair was the same shade of dark brown as mine until he turned 50. Four months after he turned 50, his hair turned grey in the span of one month. It remains the quickest time I have ever seen someone go grey. He's never dyed it and he actually looks pretty good with grey hair. I have looked exactly like this man my entire life. Our baby pictures are identical, except that his is in black and white. We both have the same eyes as my grandfather. So, in all likelihood, it seems like this is the scenario that will happen to me in 20 some odd years. What about grandpa, you ask? He never got the chance to age past 29 so we don't know what would have happened there. I guess it's nothing to worry about now, just something to think about. I do very much appreciate the good genetics, all things considered.
I'm concerned about the length of time between grey hairs. It's shrinking with every birthday I celebrate. Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful for every birthday I see after my car accident. I just don't think I'm on board with the aging that they bring (especially as 30 looms on the horizon). People tell me all the time that I shouldn't worry about it, I'm 28 and I still look like I'm about 16. I've yet to buy alcohol without being carded, which is nice actually. None of my aunts or uncles or even my mother look their age, all are in their 50's and you'd never know it just by looking at them. But you can't control going grey. Since most of what determines going grey comes from the mother's side, I've started paying attention to my three uncles and what they've gone through so far.
Uncle A is pushing 60 and still has all of his hair and has no receding hairline. He's about 20% grey and the rest is still brown-ish. He's had a very slow greying process that started when he was about 35. I like this. However, Uncle B is in his mid-50's and his first grey hair surfaced when he was 27. By the time he was 35 his hair was almost all salt and pepper but his beard was still completely black. In the last three years all of his hair has gone white. I don't know about his beard yet, he hasn't grown one since his hair lost all coloring. Uncle C is the one that poses the most interesting scenario. He's 51 and his hair was the same shade of dark brown as mine until he turned 50. Four months after he turned 50, his hair turned grey in the span of one month. It remains the quickest time I have ever seen someone go grey. He's never dyed it and he actually looks pretty good with grey hair. I have looked exactly like this man my entire life. Our baby pictures are identical, except that his is in black and white. We both have the same eyes as my grandfather. So, in all likelihood, it seems like this is the scenario that will happen to me in 20 some odd years. What about grandpa, you ask? He never got the chance to age past 29 so we don't know what would have happened there. I guess it's nothing to worry about now, just something to think about. I do very much appreciate the good genetics, all things considered.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Revelations
I'm walking out of my apartment this morning and I'm halfway down the street when a woman comes up and stops me. As soon as she introduced herself I was ready to walk away. It was one of my half-sisters. I have three, along with two half brothers, and I had never met any of them until today. I've said I never wanted to meet the other half, I had no need to, and neither does my sister. After my father died a few months ago my brother (mentioned in the previous post) set out to track down our half-siblings, which I told him I would rather he not do but he did it anyway. He tracked down a sister (not the one I met today) and they had coffee once or twice before he called it off and since then he's been stuck in the fog (see previous post). As I've said before, I understand his wanting or needing to know about that side of his family since he never got a chance to know his mother and now he'll never know his father either. That's rough.
We stood there on the sidewalk for a few minutes and I really didn't wanna be there but I figured I should at least hear her out since she came all this way. And then I couldn't help but ask a few questions. The first thing I asked was whether or not they knew he had three more kids (for a grand total of eight). She said they did know. I wanted to ask if he ever mentioned us by name and she said she doesn't ever remember him doing so. Then she added that about five years ago she was at his house looking for something and she came across a box in a drawer with newspaper clippings and a couple of pictures of the three of us. She never mentioned them to anyone, including him, before now but felt the need to say she thinks he kept them because he was proud of us and maybe not sure how, or even if, he should come into our lives. I'm not sure I believe that but whatever. She knew him, I didn't.
Then, she dropped a bit of a bombshell that I'm not sure I should pass on to my brother. My father didn't know my brother and me even existed until 1992. The three of us went to take this DNA test to confirm paternity (to this day, I have no clue what it was for since he never did pay any kind of child support). But, according to my visitor, he did receive notice that three children had been tested and all three belonged to him. So it would seem that my brother's mom never told his father she was pregnant. (I'm not surprised he didn't know about me since no one did until the day I was born). But since she's long since passed away, there's no way to know for sure. My mom might know but I don't know that I even want to get into all this.
You know how people hire other people to find their lost relatives and then they meet the relatives and feel immediate connection or something?? I didn't feel any of that. I don't feel any different than I did before I met her, which is not something I expected. Yeah, I was surprised by a lot of what she had to say, including the fact that both his widow and his mother (who is in failing health) want to meet us. But once she left I continued walking to work and by the time I got there I was pretty much set in my belief that meeting them would not help anything in my life. I have absolutely no emotional attachment to these people. Maybe my brother would be helped by getting to know them. Maybe. I don't know...maybe I should think on it some more, even though I'm 99% sure how I feel.
On the baby front things just got a lot more complicated. My sister-in-law and I spent two hours at the hospital yesterday and she was discharged with strict instructions to stay on bed rest until her December 28th due date. Yeah. So, I don't know how this is gonna work because even with all the people in our household there's no one to stay home and be on call in case she needs anything. But someone has to. I mean, do we hire a nanny or something to take care of her? Her brother works with me and I offered him paid time off (PAID!) to stay with her until we find something else and he turned me down. He said he would but then he'd have to kill her (she is awfully hormonal) and that would defeat the purpose. We'll figure it out somehow...
We stood there on the sidewalk for a few minutes and I really didn't wanna be there but I figured I should at least hear her out since she came all this way. And then I couldn't help but ask a few questions. The first thing I asked was whether or not they knew he had three more kids (for a grand total of eight). She said they did know. I wanted to ask if he ever mentioned us by name and she said she doesn't ever remember him doing so. Then she added that about five years ago she was at his house looking for something and she came across a box in a drawer with newspaper clippings and a couple of pictures of the three of us. She never mentioned them to anyone, including him, before now but felt the need to say she thinks he kept them because he was proud of us and maybe not sure how, or even if, he should come into our lives. I'm not sure I believe that but whatever. She knew him, I didn't.
Then, she dropped a bit of a bombshell that I'm not sure I should pass on to my brother. My father didn't know my brother and me even existed until 1992. The three of us went to take this DNA test to confirm paternity (to this day, I have no clue what it was for since he never did pay any kind of child support). But, according to my visitor, he did receive notice that three children had been tested and all three belonged to him. So it would seem that my brother's mom never told his father she was pregnant. (I'm not surprised he didn't know about me since no one did until the day I was born). But since she's long since passed away, there's no way to know for sure. My mom might know but I don't know that I even want to get into all this.
You know how people hire other people to find their lost relatives and then they meet the relatives and feel immediate connection or something?? I didn't feel any of that. I don't feel any different than I did before I met her, which is not something I expected. Yeah, I was surprised by a lot of what she had to say, including the fact that both his widow and his mother (who is in failing health) want to meet us. But once she left I continued walking to work and by the time I got there I was pretty much set in my belief that meeting them would not help anything in my life. I have absolutely no emotional attachment to these people. Maybe my brother would be helped by getting to know them. Maybe. I don't know...maybe I should think on it some more, even though I'm 99% sure how I feel.
On the baby front things just got a lot more complicated. My sister-in-law and I spent two hours at the hospital yesterday and she was discharged with strict instructions to stay on bed rest until her December 28th due date. Yeah. So, I don't know how this is gonna work because even with all the people in our household there's no one to stay home and be on call in case she needs anything. But someone has to. I mean, do we hire a nanny or something to take care of her? Her brother works with me and I offered him paid time off (PAID!) to stay with her until we find something else and he turned me down. He said he would but then he'd have to kill her (she is awfully hormonal) and that would defeat the purpose. We'll figure it out somehow...
Saturday, September 19, 2009
It's Been Awhile
I've been away from the whole blog thing for awhile now. Plenty to write about but not time to write about it. As of now the biggest thing in my life is my little brother and his...issues. Since our father died in June he's been a little off and I thought it was a phase or his form of the grieving process but now it appears it isn't. A little background, my brother is married to his childhood sweetheart and they have a 6-year-old son together and a daughter due in December. Their relationship was fantastic until their son was born and since then they've gone through various phases of time apart. It's more like taking a few days apart, not weeks or anything, and no, this is not weird for their son because both my brother and sister-in-law are athletes so they travel a lot anyway. In fact, I think one of the reasons they've stayed together so long is because they don't spend as much time together as most couples. Anyway, she's now six months pregnant (and already over being pregnant) and he's pretty much been absent for most of those six months. He was working for awhile and then got injured and, although he's pretty much fully physically healed, he's still not back playing because of whatever's going on in his head. He admits he's still struggling with our fathers death and I cut him some slack for awhile because I know he's (technically) an orphan now and I can't imagine the feeling. But this is just getting ridiculous now. All three of them live with me and have since about three months before my nephew was born. It was just easier for them to live in an environment with other people around to be there for the kids, especially when one or both of them travel for work. I don't mind, I adore my nephew (and already my niece and she's not even here yet) and it's actually worked out perfectly for everyone. My nephew is in second grade now and his mom takes him to school in the morning, my girlfriend takes him to hockey practice after that and I pick him up at the end of the day. I like the arrangement. The only problem is that my brother is missing all of this. He's never been the most attentive father (he never really expected to be a father) but at least before the whole death thing he was there for his son. Ironically, every time I bring up what's going on he says part of his problem is that he doesn't want to become his father. Sadly, it's looking more and more like that'll be the outcome because he's taking no interest in his kids. Doctors appointments, hockey games, school events; I'm at all of them (always have been) and every time I go to one I can't help but think about what a sad situation he's putting his family in. I know (he's told me) that he's somewhat resentful of the relationship I have with his son but, really, what does he expect?? I've always spent a ton of time with him and now I've essentially stepped into a full-time fatherhood roll with both of his kids. What really pisses me off is that he makes absolutely no attempt to get therapy or medication or whatever it is that he needs to get out of this hole he's dug.
There is another aspect to all this. If my brother continues his meltdown for the foreseeable future, my girlfriend and I would have new roles in the lives of his kids. And things between her and I are shaky (at best). And I think about my issues awhile back and I realize how difficult I was but I had nothing to lose. I didn't have a family or a girlfriend at the time. Now, I'm not even a father to his kids or a husband to his wife, and I can't imagine doing anything to hurt them or damage my relationships with them. I just wonder how he can keep avoiding the situation and continue to risk losing the loves of his life.
In the meantime, I'm doing all the things that a new father in training should be doing. Painting a nursery, brainstorming names and re-arranging my schedule for January so I can be around more to help out with the baby (Two girls under two just sounds so...fun). My nephew and I are likely to be the only boys in a house full of girls next year.
There is another aspect to all this. If my brother continues his meltdown for the foreseeable future, my girlfriend and I would have new roles in the lives of his kids. And things between her and I are shaky (at best). And I think about my issues awhile back and I realize how difficult I was but I had nothing to lose. I didn't have a family or a girlfriend at the time. Now, I'm not even a father to his kids or a husband to his wife, and I can't imagine doing anything to hurt them or damage my relationships with them. I just wonder how he can keep avoiding the situation and continue to risk losing the loves of his life.
In the meantime, I'm doing all the things that a new father in training should be doing. Painting a nursery, brainstorming names and re-arranging my schedule for January so I can be around more to help out with the baby (Two girls under two just sounds so...fun). My nephew and I are likely to be the only boys in a house full of girls next year.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Onward & Upward
I've spent the last week and a half figuring my way through my father's death. Honestly, and it may sound cold to some people, I'm sorry I wasted the time. I mean, yes he died and it's sad for his family and all of that but...I just can't grieve for someone I never knew in any way, shape or form. I stalled in the anger phase for quite awhile and now I'm just over the whole thing. I think my feelings, whatever they were, upon hearing about his death were more about everything being unresolved than anything else. I never really was sad. It was more of a, 'How dare you leave before anything was sorted out' kinda feeling. But I realized about two days ago that I'm fine now. I don't feel the need to sort anything out. For about two seconds I wondered what life would have been like if he hadn't left but I quickly put that out of my mind. I don't regret a single thing about my childhood. It was wonderful. And who knows, it could've been a bad thing had he been a been a part of it. Someone showing up once in 28 years doesn't exactly inspire confidence that he'd have been a good father to us. And it no longer bothers me that he was a father to his other kids. Good for them. But some of us are better off being raised by a village of characters, as my siblings and I were. I still don't know how he died and I guess I should in case it was like some genetic disease thing but I know it was sudden so I'm thinking heart attack. I thought about contacting his family to find out but I think I'm better off not getting caught up in any kind of dispute. I don't honestly know if they know he has more kids. Even if we met them it wouldn't change anything. And so I'm done. This is probably the last thought I'll ever give to him.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Michael Jackson 1958-2009
Let's set aside all of the horrible (and possibly illegal) decisions Michael Jackson made in his personal life and focus solely on his career and his music. He definitely was the King of Pop. His mind and his talent were amazing and I don't know of anyone who doesn't like at least one of his songs. I was born in 1981, the same year as MTV, and there wasn't a day that that network wasn't on in the background in my very creative-minded household. My cousin was M.J. (from the 'Thriller' era) for four Halloweens in a row. He crossed boundaries, he didn't make one genre of music. He just made good music that everybody could relate to and listen to. He was an amazing entertainer. But as is often the case, with great talent comes great responsibility and, eventually, great tragedy.
I wasn't a huge M.J. fan (Janet is my Jackson) but I do love his music and I loved watching video of his live shows back when he was in his prime. I don't own any music that he made after 'Scream' (which I think just may be one of the greatest videos EVER, although I do love 'Remember The Time'), because it was all just reworkings of his biggest hits. It was an amazing career but a tragic life, though most of his nightmares were of his own making. This was someone who never seemed to really want to grow up and he could afford not to, or so he felt. He was uncomfortable with the realities of the world, yet he was someone who craved being in the worldwide spotlight. In the end, I wouldn't be surprised if his penchant for pain killers factored into his death. Play too close to the flame and you will get burned. In a way, he's been dead for quite awhile. But it was still shocking and sad to hear the news of his actual passing. He never expected to live past 40. I hope in the extra decade he had, or at least in the last year or so, he got right with the man upstairs.
I wasn't a huge M.J. fan (Janet is my Jackson) but I do love his music and I loved watching video of his live shows back when he was in his prime. I don't own any music that he made after 'Scream' (which I think just may be one of the greatest videos EVER, although I do love 'Remember The Time'), because it was all just reworkings of his biggest hits. It was an amazing career but a tragic life, though most of his nightmares were of his own making. This was someone who never seemed to really want to grow up and he could afford not to, or so he felt. He was uncomfortable with the realities of the world, yet he was someone who craved being in the worldwide spotlight. In the end, I wouldn't be surprised if his penchant for pain killers factored into his death. Play too close to the flame and you will get burned. In a way, he's been dead for quite awhile. But it was still shocking and sad to hear the news of his actual passing. He never expected to live past 40. I hope in the extra decade he had, or at least in the last year or so, he got right with the man upstairs.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Father Figure Pt. II
So...it's been awhile. Work, home, etc. and I haven't really had the energy to write. What's new...well, my father died a few weeks ago. I found out last weekend and it's been an interesting time in my life since then. At first I wasn't sure how to feel. Then, in my own weird way, I started to go through the whole five stages of grief process but I'm just a little stuck on 'Anger'. Not really major anger or anything...but then maybe it's because I'm not letting myself feel it. My father hasn't been around since before we were born. I can't say that I've thought about him very much since I've hit adulthood. Not even when I became a father myself. And I didn't really think about him much as a kid either. I had such a wonderful upbringing and family that it never occurred to me that I was from a "broken" home. After the phone calls stopped, we went on about our lives. I don't remember much about meeting him anyway (courtesy of my car accident). But the last thing I expected to hear was that he had died. And I didn't expect to have such a difficult time sorting through my feelings about it. But here I am nearly a week after finding out he's dead and I've only slept through the night once or twice. It's like I can't make my brain stop running and thinking about the past 28 years. Especially after reading about what a "wonderful father and musician" he was. I can't help wondering why he was a non-existent father to (at least) three of his kids but a great one to the other six. I mean, we lived in the same town, not more than ten minutes apart, until we all went to college. Why stop keeping in touch after two months? If it was because of whatever went on between him and my Grandma, then why didn't he come around after she died? (Trust me, he woulda known when she died, we lived in a major city but it is surprisingly small when you grow up there). I didn't get so much as a card after my accident. Would I have let him into my life if he'd come around? Maybe. We had a good amount of things in common. Maybe if he'd answered my questions and I could've understood why he took off. Maybe that's why I'm having issues now. He's gone and nothing was resolved and now nothing's gonna be resolved. I'd be willing to bet his other kids have no clue that the three of us exist. I'm not sure how to feel about that either. So I guess it comes down to my not knowing how I feel. And if I don't know how I feel, then how am I supposed to start coping? It's all the unresolved issues between him and me and my sister and my brother and my mom. I guess, as unfair and cold as it sounds, we just have to get over it.
Monday, March 9, 2009
My Two Cents
So everyone seems to still be talking about the Rihanna/Chris Brown situation. What a mess. All of us seem to have an opinion on what should happen next and what each of them should do. The overwhelming number of people in my circle are on the side of 'leave him' (myself included). I've never been in a physically abusive relationship but I've been around a couple in my time. Two of my aunts dealt with abusive husbands or boyfriends and they handled it in wildly different ways.
When y aunt was 25 she married her boyfriend of two years and they had a son together. After my cousin was born, their relationship became a little strained and he didn't spend much time with his son but they stayed together. A few years later they had a daughter and things quickly went downhill. He started yelling at her for no good reason and getting upset over stupid crap. Then one night she got home from a party at our house late and he flew off the handle and smacked her across the face. She fell to the ground from the force of it and then got up and kicked him right where it counts and told him they were done. She came back to our house and never saw or talked to him again. I remember him calling the house obsessively and all of us kids being told not to answer the phone or to immediately hang up if it was him. After about four months, he stopped calling and that was it. My aunt has never been married but she's been in relationships and, thankfully, all of them have been good guys.
On the other hand, my grandma's best friend had a daughter who was like an aunt to me that was drawn to abusive men. Her husband and father of her four kids knocked her around and got her into drugs and he eventually got busted and sent to prison. She got sent to rehab and their kids to foster care where they were abused. Eventually she got her kids back and while he was still in prison she started to rebuild her life. Then she met another man and they moved into a house with the kids within months. He started to abuse both her and the kids soon after and even though I was like 12 at the time, I remember wondering why she would let anyone do that to her kids. Things became complicated when the kids' father got outta prison. She bounced between the boyfriend and the husband for a good four years and then when her mom died she finally realized that she needed to get away and she moved out of state. The kids did not grow up well and did not turn out well at all. And it's sad because they were all so smart and had so much potential but children do learn what they live. I always wondered how this woman turned out to be the kind to put up with abuse. She was raised by an incredibly strong mother, a wonderful, loving father and my grandmother, who was the strongest chick I knew for a long time.
In the end, one of them chose not to put up with it and immediately end the relationship, while another kept going back to the people that hurt her. No one knows the specifics of the R/CB thing except the two of them, but I think Oprah put it best when she said, "If a man hits you once, he will hit you again." Granted they're both young and all that and it's never too late for a person to change. However the way he has chosen not to take responsibility for what he's done, publicly or in a court of law, doesn't exactly inspire confidence. You have to WANT to change and in order to do that you have to be genuinely sorry for your actions. And everyone's on her about being a role model and poster child for domestic violence and I understand it but at the same time she's kinda young. That's a lot to put on someone. Yeah, she's in a position where girls look up to her as a role model and there's a responsibilty that comes with that but it's also her life. She can live it however she chooses. But I hope she at least holds him accountable for what happened. It's never okay to lay a hand on someone else that way. I can't believe the number of people who say it's just an "issue" they need to work out. It's not an issue, it's a crime and a felony at that.
I understand all of the passion and things that go into a relationship when you're that young. Passion can breed both love and hate. My first relationship was insane and you know what it was...it was complicated. We fought a lot and there was so much between us and after awhile it just got to be too much. So we took a break...we took many breaks actually. But in all of our fighting and arguing and break ups and make ups, neither of us ever laid a hand on each other. Never even thought of it. You get mad, you walk away and CB apparently is trying to weasel his way out of his crimes by saying she hit him first and she has anger issues too. Maybe she does and it's not right for her to take a swing at him either, but he could have chosen to walk away. Her smacking him didn't give him the right to beat the hell out of her. (And, from what I understand, this was likely not the first time he touched her in that manner.) The one thing I have a problem with now is the whole friends and family aspect of this thing. I mean, it might just be my family, but if I have a visible scratch on my body I get asked about it. Some of her friends have said they saw things in the past, marks, bruises, etc., but they didn't really ask her about it because it was "her business". But I think that's crap. I think if you're any kind of friend, you ask what happened. And if I had a friend who was in her position and chose to go back to an abusive relationship, I would have to seriously consider telling that friend that I could not support them anymore. Same with a family member, nevermind my own daughter. Her father says he'll support her even if she stays with him (which is not surprising considering she's the one with the money) and I can't wrap my head around that either. If my sister was in that situation and said she was going back, even if she was the one pulling the financial strings, my mother would be far from supportive. I don't get any of that.
When all of the smoke from this clears, it'll be interesting to see whose career does what. They're basically still kids who are dealing with some very adult issues. I don't think he should be able to plead to a misdemeanor and avoid taking responsibility for what he did. Responsibility is part of being an adult and yeah it sucks sometimes but he made his own choice that night. Hell, I have a teenager who got busted for underage drinking and even she took responsibility for that, a far less serious crime. CB should man up and do the same thing. At the end of the day they have to figure out which path their lives take now and everyone takes responsibility for their part in it and, hopefully, they move on. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, what happens between them is in their own hands. This concludes my two cents.
When y aunt was 25 she married her boyfriend of two years and they had a son together. After my cousin was born, their relationship became a little strained and he didn't spend much time with his son but they stayed together. A few years later they had a daughter and things quickly went downhill. He started yelling at her for no good reason and getting upset over stupid crap. Then one night she got home from a party at our house late and he flew off the handle and smacked her across the face. She fell to the ground from the force of it and then got up and kicked him right where it counts and told him they were done. She came back to our house and never saw or talked to him again. I remember him calling the house obsessively and all of us kids being told not to answer the phone or to immediately hang up if it was him. After about four months, he stopped calling and that was it. My aunt has never been married but she's been in relationships and, thankfully, all of them have been good guys.
On the other hand, my grandma's best friend had a daughter who was like an aunt to me that was drawn to abusive men. Her husband and father of her four kids knocked her around and got her into drugs and he eventually got busted and sent to prison. She got sent to rehab and their kids to foster care where they were abused. Eventually she got her kids back and while he was still in prison she started to rebuild her life. Then she met another man and they moved into a house with the kids within months. He started to abuse both her and the kids soon after and even though I was like 12 at the time, I remember wondering why she would let anyone do that to her kids. Things became complicated when the kids' father got outta prison. She bounced between the boyfriend and the husband for a good four years and then when her mom died she finally realized that she needed to get away and she moved out of state. The kids did not grow up well and did not turn out well at all. And it's sad because they were all so smart and had so much potential but children do learn what they live. I always wondered how this woman turned out to be the kind to put up with abuse. She was raised by an incredibly strong mother, a wonderful, loving father and my grandmother, who was the strongest chick I knew for a long time.
In the end, one of them chose not to put up with it and immediately end the relationship, while another kept going back to the people that hurt her. No one knows the specifics of the R/CB thing except the two of them, but I think Oprah put it best when she said, "If a man hits you once, he will hit you again." Granted they're both young and all that and it's never too late for a person to change. However the way he has chosen not to take responsibility for what he's done, publicly or in a court of law, doesn't exactly inspire confidence. You have to WANT to change and in order to do that you have to be genuinely sorry for your actions. And everyone's on her about being a role model and poster child for domestic violence and I understand it but at the same time she's kinda young. That's a lot to put on someone. Yeah, she's in a position where girls look up to her as a role model and there's a responsibilty that comes with that but it's also her life. She can live it however she chooses. But I hope she at least holds him accountable for what happened. It's never okay to lay a hand on someone else that way. I can't believe the number of people who say it's just an "issue" they need to work out. It's not an issue, it's a crime and a felony at that.
I understand all of the passion and things that go into a relationship when you're that young. Passion can breed both love and hate. My first relationship was insane and you know what it was...it was complicated. We fought a lot and there was so much between us and after awhile it just got to be too much. So we took a break...we took many breaks actually. But in all of our fighting and arguing and break ups and make ups, neither of us ever laid a hand on each other. Never even thought of it. You get mad, you walk away and CB apparently is trying to weasel his way out of his crimes by saying she hit him first and she has anger issues too. Maybe she does and it's not right for her to take a swing at him either, but he could have chosen to walk away. Her smacking him didn't give him the right to beat the hell out of her. (And, from what I understand, this was likely not the first time he touched her in that manner.) The one thing I have a problem with now is the whole friends and family aspect of this thing. I mean, it might just be my family, but if I have a visible scratch on my body I get asked about it. Some of her friends have said they saw things in the past, marks, bruises, etc., but they didn't really ask her about it because it was "her business". But I think that's crap. I think if you're any kind of friend, you ask what happened. And if I had a friend who was in her position and chose to go back to an abusive relationship, I would have to seriously consider telling that friend that I could not support them anymore. Same with a family member, nevermind my own daughter. Her father says he'll support her even if she stays with him (which is not surprising considering she's the one with the money) and I can't wrap my head around that either. If my sister was in that situation and said she was going back, even if she was the one pulling the financial strings, my mother would be far from supportive. I don't get any of that.
When all of the smoke from this clears, it'll be interesting to see whose career does what. They're basically still kids who are dealing with some very adult issues. I don't think he should be able to plead to a misdemeanor and avoid taking responsibility for what he did. Responsibility is part of being an adult and yeah it sucks sometimes but he made his own choice that night. Hell, I have a teenager who got busted for underage drinking and even she took responsibility for that, a far less serious crime. CB should man up and do the same thing. At the end of the day they have to figure out which path their lives take now and everyone takes responsibility for their part in it and, hopefully, they move on. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, what happens between them is in their own hands. This concludes my two cents.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
The Horrors of Pee Wee Hockey
I think I've mentioned this before but my nephews started their first season of little league hockey recently. Hockey is a religion in my family although none of us have tried to actually play it due to a general lack of coordination (I think it's genetic). The boys decided hockey would be their sport last year and they look adorable in all of their little gear. Earlier this month I took them to the NHL All-Star Game in Montreal and they had the time of their lives. However, hockey has not come without its issues.
One of my nephews was born prematurely and has hearing issues in one ear. There were attempts over the past few years to try and fix it so he wouldn't have to wear hearing aides but they were painful for him and didn't seem to help much so his parents decided not to have yet another surgery. Instead, we all learned sign language and he occasionally wore his hearing aide and moved along just fine. Then he found hockey. And hockey required him to be able to hear. So once he decided he was sure he wanted to play, he went back to the operating table and, amazingly, this time it took. He still has to improve his speaking skills but he's doing very, very well off the ice. On the ice....well, the boy can't stop on his skates. His coaches decided he should try to play goalie because he has no trouble throwing himself in front of things and it requires less stopping than any other position, although he has to learn how to stop while moving back and forth. He's becoming a great goalie and we hold out hope that, someday, he will learn how to stop while moving at full speed. (Sounds do dramatic, doesn't it?)
The other nephew threw us for a loop when he decided to play hockey. His dad is a baseball player and his mom plays volleyball. He's been learning volleyball since he was born and he spends most of his time with mom while she trains. He's extremely good at volleyball. Baseball does not interest him in the least. The only reason he like the ballpark is because of the food and the playground. No one was forcing him into either sport, we were just kinda waiting to see what he wanted to do since he's a boy with many interests (seriously he's like my clone). He wanted to play hockey and it turns out he's really, really good at it. He's a forward and from the day he stepped on the ice, he could skate and stop and shoot like he'd been doing it his entire life.
It is hockey amongst 6, 7 and 8 year-olds so it's not expected to be a very violent thing. But our boys...they like to hit and hitting is legal in their league because I don't think the powers that be expect any of the hits to be very hard. They might wanna reconsider that. Our little forward went screaming into the boards last night and put a hit on another kid. They went into the boards at an odd angle and both ended up on the ice. The other kid has a broken nose. Our kid has a fractured arm. Thankfully, no parents got out of hand about the hit, it was kinda laughed off once they realized it wasn't super serious (I wasn't there, but I hear it was a good, clean hit that I woulda been proud of). He'll have to sit out about a month of his first season of hockey but he's pretty excited to have had his first big hit and injury all in one shot. If the two of them stick with this, it could be pretty entertaining. And now my 9 year-old niece wants in on hockey. Apparently soccer isn't violent enough for her.
One of my nephews was born prematurely and has hearing issues in one ear. There were attempts over the past few years to try and fix it so he wouldn't have to wear hearing aides but they were painful for him and didn't seem to help much so his parents decided not to have yet another surgery. Instead, we all learned sign language and he occasionally wore his hearing aide and moved along just fine. Then he found hockey. And hockey required him to be able to hear. So once he decided he was sure he wanted to play, he went back to the operating table and, amazingly, this time it took. He still has to improve his speaking skills but he's doing very, very well off the ice. On the ice....well, the boy can't stop on his skates. His coaches decided he should try to play goalie because he has no trouble throwing himself in front of things and it requires less stopping than any other position, although he has to learn how to stop while moving back and forth. He's becoming a great goalie and we hold out hope that, someday, he will learn how to stop while moving at full speed. (Sounds do dramatic, doesn't it?)
The other nephew threw us for a loop when he decided to play hockey. His dad is a baseball player and his mom plays volleyball. He's been learning volleyball since he was born and he spends most of his time with mom while she trains. He's extremely good at volleyball. Baseball does not interest him in the least. The only reason he like the ballpark is because of the food and the playground. No one was forcing him into either sport, we were just kinda waiting to see what he wanted to do since he's a boy with many interests (seriously he's like my clone). He wanted to play hockey and it turns out he's really, really good at it. He's a forward and from the day he stepped on the ice, he could skate and stop and shoot like he'd been doing it his entire life.
It is hockey amongst 6, 7 and 8 year-olds so it's not expected to be a very violent thing. But our boys...they like to hit and hitting is legal in their league because I don't think the powers that be expect any of the hits to be very hard. They might wanna reconsider that. Our little forward went screaming into the boards last night and put a hit on another kid. They went into the boards at an odd angle and both ended up on the ice. The other kid has a broken nose. Our kid has a fractured arm. Thankfully, no parents got out of hand about the hit, it was kinda laughed off once they realized it wasn't super serious (I wasn't there, but I hear it was a good, clean hit that I woulda been proud of). He'll have to sit out about a month of his first season of hockey but he's pretty excited to have had his first big hit and injury all in one shot. If the two of them stick with this, it could be pretty entertaining. And now my 9 year-old niece wants in on hockey. Apparently soccer isn't violent enough for her.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
If it ain't broke then break it
Have you ever had one of those people in your life who can take anything that's going well in your life and make you feel bad about it? I had someone close to me who used to do just that and I'm not sure she even knew it. I would call her every week just to talk and catch up and a good amount of the time I would hang up the phone feeling much less excited about what I had going for me in my life than when I'd dialed the numbers. Sometimes I would call with great news and hang up feeling completely demoralized. She just had a way of making me feel like whatever I was doing, it wasn't enough. So eventually I stopped calling altogether. And I felt bad about that but I didn't know what else to do. She passed away before I could ever tell her why I wasn't calling as much and it was a blessing in disguise I guess. I never expected her to be gone but her passing was a wake up call and it got me back on track.
My girlfriend has someone like that in her life. Or, rather, she did have someone like that in her life, she broke it off this morning. This person has been a part of her life since she was born and there has been trouble in the past but nothing major. Then we started dating and it was clear that this person did not like me. This person had a major cow when she found out we were expecting a child together. She doesn't know me, she's barely given me a chance and yet, so far, she's accused me of being an abuser and lacking the capabilities to truly love someone. Obviously, this has put some strain on my relationship with my girlfriend. I never really thought of it much because this person lives across the country and we don't see them much anyway so it was easy to ignore. Yesterday was supposed to be a big day for my girlfriend, career-wise. It's something that she's been waiting for her entire life and we were both so excited. Then this person showed up unannounced to be a part of this event and I thought she would just blow through and there would be little drama. I mean, if you love someone the last thing you wanna do is screw up a big moment in their life, right? Wrong.
The actual event went off without a major hitch, other than the occasional complaint about some of the decisions made about how the event was planned and the food, etc. I had to leave right after for a work function, so the two of them were on their own for the drive home. That's when the claws apparently came out and this person got on my girlfriend about her life decisions the past year and a half and essentially told her she didn't know what she was doing and that she should leave me. As you may expect, this did not go over well with the girlfriend. A loud argument ensued and I came home to find my girlfriend pretty pissed off and, even worse than that, hurt in a way I've never seen before. We didn't talk for a few hours, I knew she'd say something when she was ready. And it was a rough night from there. She loves this person, they're family, but I think she just reached her breaking point and she knew it. And it absolutely kills me that I can't do anything to fix this. I had my own confrontation this morning with this person and I just can't believe anyone could be that cold to someone they supposedly love. And it bothers me that I feel...I don't know, in some way partly responsible for my girlfriend having to cut this person out of her life. But I think at some point it would've come to this anyway, even without me. Doesn't make me feel any better. And I hope this...break up between them doesn't last forever. I may not like this person but at the end of the day I just want my girlfriend to be happy and to have the people she wants in her life. And for those people to not piss her off for no reason and try to force their ways on her.
My girlfriend has someone like that in her life. Or, rather, she did have someone like that in her life, she broke it off this morning. This person has been a part of her life since she was born and there has been trouble in the past but nothing major. Then we started dating and it was clear that this person did not like me. This person had a major cow when she found out we were expecting a child together. She doesn't know me, she's barely given me a chance and yet, so far, she's accused me of being an abuser and lacking the capabilities to truly love someone. Obviously, this has put some strain on my relationship with my girlfriend. I never really thought of it much because this person lives across the country and we don't see them much anyway so it was easy to ignore. Yesterday was supposed to be a big day for my girlfriend, career-wise. It's something that she's been waiting for her entire life and we were both so excited. Then this person showed up unannounced to be a part of this event and I thought she would just blow through and there would be little drama. I mean, if you love someone the last thing you wanna do is screw up a big moment in their life, right? Wrong.
The actual event went off without a major hitch, other than the occasional complaint about some of the decisions made about how the event was planned and the food, etc. I had to leave right after for a work function, so the two of them were on their own for the drive home. That's when the claws apparently came out and this person got on my girlfriend about her life decisions the past year and a half and essentially told her she didn't know what she was doing and that she should leave me. As you may expect, this did not go over well with the girlfriend. A loud argument ensued and I came home to find my girlfriend pretty pissed off and, even worse than that, hurt in a way I've never seen before. We didn't talk for a few hours, I knew she'd say something when she was ready. And it was a rough night from there. She loves this person, they're family, but I think she just reached her breaking point and she knew it. And it absolutely kills me that I can't do anything to fix this. I had my own confrontation this morning with this person and I just can't believe anyone could be that cold to someone they supposedly love. And it bothers me that I feel...I don't know, in some way partly responsible for my girlfriend having to cut this person out of her life. But I think at some point it would've come to this anyway, even without me. Doesn't make me feel any better. And I hope this...break up between them doesn't last forever. I may not like this person but at the end of the day I just want my girlfriend to be happy and to have the people she wants in her life. And for those people to not piss her off for no reason and try to force their ways on her.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Long Time Gone
It's been a looong time since I wrote. I've had to deal with some work stuff and friend stuff and a nasty trip to the hospital in an ambulance. But all is well now, for the most part. Before everything went nuts, I got caught up in a program my girlfriend was watching about personality types and relationships. It was about some doctor of something who developed this test you can take to determine what your dominant traits are. One specific group is called 'Explorers' and I made fun of that term to no end during the show because it sounds like what they'd call the special kids at a school or something. Then we both took the test and found out we're explorers. We have different secondary personality types, but the first one is 'Explorer'. Then she got to thinking about different relationships she's been in and grown up around and exactly what kind of relationship we have now.
My parents were never really "together" and hers are divorced. My family has had exactly three marriages in two generations that have lasted way long term. One just hit 20 years, another (although they're not technically married) is at 30 years and my great grandparents were married 56 years. My great grandparents marriage is one of those where you wonder what the heck they ever saw in each other in the first place. They never had children together, grandma already had three from her first marriage and by the time they got married grandpa had his hands full with the grand kids. My aunts and uncles were holy terrors most of the time but grandpa loved every minute of it. He fit right into the family from day one. He and grandma were not always the most functional couple, but then what couple is all of the time? As they got older he became the one to take care of her and he would always be keeping busy in some way or another around the house. Grandma was fine, except for her hearing, and sometimes I wished I could put a camera in their house to capture their antics. They'd sit together in the living room and watch their telenovelas and she'd call him names randomly and completely unprovoked. He could never do anything right and she wanted him to know it but he just kept on trucking and he'd joke about it and call her "The Warden". Underneath it all, you could tell how much he adored her and you knew she loved him, even though she didn't say it much. Grandma died about a year ago and Grandpa's had it rough since then. He's happy, for the most part, but you can tell some of the spark is gone. He spent most of his life with her and he's been kinda lost since she's been gone. Hopefully, he's got a lot of life to live, he's only in his 80's (he was younger than her by eight years, very controversial at the time).
Most of what I know about relationships that work came from observing the few successful ones around me. I haven't always applied what I know but I do know it. In fact, I probably haven't started applying most of it until this relationship. My problem has always been boredom. I've dated smart women who were no fun, I've dated fun women who were not too bright, I've dated women who loved sports but were uninterested in art and I've dated creative women who didn't understand sports. There was always one thing missing and I'd use that one thing as my excuse for being bored and then I'd move on. I figured you couldn't have it all and eventually I'd have to settle for someone who had a habit or a lack of knowledge on something that annoyed me. My girlfriend is smart and she understands and appreciates art and she's willing to learn about sports. I'd never really thought about it until recently but we're not really all that similar. We're not opposites either, we're kinda right down the middle most of the time. Somehow it balances out. It's been...a battle, to say the least. But we're happy and that's what matters.
My parents were never really "together" and hers are divorced. My family has had exactly three marriages in two generations that have lasted way long term. One just hit 20 years, another (although they're not technically married) is at 30 years and my great grandparents were married 56 years. My great grandparents marriage is one of those where you wonder what the heck they ever saw in each other in the first place. They never had children together, grandma already had three from her first marriage and by the time they got married grandpa had his hands full with the grand kids. My aunts and uncles were holy terrors most of the time but grandpa loved every minute of it. He fit right into the family from day one. He and grandma were not always the most functional couple, but then what couple is all of the time? As they got older he became the one to take care of her and he would always be keeping busy in some way or another around the house. Grandma was fine, except for her hearing, and sometimes I wished I could put a camera in their house to capture their antics. They'd sit together in the living room and watch their telenovelas and she'd call him names randomly and completely unprovoked. He could never do anything right and she wanted him to know it but he just kept on trucking and he'd joke about it and call her "The Warden". Underneath it all, you could tell how much he adored her and you knew she loved him, even though she didn't say it much. Grandma died about a year ago and Grandpa's had it rough since then. He's happy, for the most part, but you can tell some of the spark is gone. He spent most of his life with her and he's been kinda lost since she's been gone. Hopefully, he's got a lot of life to live, he's only in his 80's (he was younger than her by eight years, very controversial at the time).
Most of what I know about relationships that work came from observing the few successful ones around me. I haven't always applied what I know but I do know it. In fact, I probably haven't started applying most of it until this relationship. My problem has always been boredom. I've dated smart women who were no fun, I've dated fun women who were not too bright, I've dated women who loved sports but were uninterested in art and I've dated creative women who didn't understand sports. There was always one thing missing and I'd use that one thing as my excuse for being bored and then I'd move on. I figured you couldn't have it all and eventually I'd have to settle for someone who had a habit or a lack of knowledge on something that annoyed me. My girlfriend is smart and she understands and appreciates art and she's willing to learn about sports. I'd never really thought about it until recently but we're not really all that similar. We're not opposites either, we're kinda right down the middle most of the time. Somehow it balances out. It's been...a battle, to say the least. But we're happy and that's what matters.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Assisted Living
Happy New Year!
No, I didn't forget about my blog or anything. I was just having too much fun goofing off to write anything the entire month of December. But now I'm coming down from my holiday high, even though I don't go back to work until the 12th. I have this week off and a wedding next Saturday and then it's back to the grind. However, it won't be as much of a grind as I found out a few days ago.
I am getting more responsibility at work and along with that responsibility comes...well, a lot but the main thing is an assistant. Yes, my very own assistant for myself only. I was more than a little stunned when I found out because I'm not really the 'I have an assistant' type of guy, you know? I like doing things for myself and I don't like telling other people what to do. Yeah, I work a lot and sometimes things don't get done exactly on time but I'd rather not outsource my work. I actually love my job. But this is, as I was told, not an option. It comes with the position and so I just have to suck it up. I was offered the chance to pick my own assistant but that would just be awkward and this is gonna be interesting enough.
We met yesterday and it did nothing to calm my nerves about the situation. She's a nice lady, in her late-40's and she's been around the industry for awhile so she knows what she's doing. But I don't know about telling someone who would technically be considered one of my elders what to do. The whole thing makes me uncomfortable. So I guess we'll see how well this works out, along with the increased responsibility, travel, etc.
On another note, one more of my ex-girlfriends is about to get married. And I don't feel a thing about it really. I have no real opinion of the guy, we've never really talked at length before, but she's happy and I'm happy for her. I'm invited to the aforementioned wedding this weekend and I'm just a little apprehensive about it because another ex is also on the guest list. We dated a little while back and she has a son who is just adorable but she went...well, a little fatal attraction on me near the end there and that's when I called it quits. Even that didn't stop her, the calls lingered for a month or so. I don't wanna run into her but I do wanna go to the wedding so I'm on the fence. We'll see how it goes.
No, I didn't forget about my blog or anything. I was just having too much fun goofing off to write anything the entire month of December. But now I'm coming down from my holiday high, even though I don't go back to work until the 12th. I have this week off and a wedding next Saturday and then it's back to the grind. However, it won't be as much of a grind as I found out a few days ago.
I am getting more responsibility at work and along with that responsibility comes...well, a lot but the main thing is an assistant. Yes, my very own assistant for myself only. I was more than a little stunned when I found out because I'm not really the 'I have an assistant' type of guy, you know? I like doing things for myself and I don't like telling other people what to do. Yeah, I work a lot and sometimes things don't get done exactly on time but I'd rather not outsource my work. I actually love my job. But this is, as I was told, not an option. It comes with the position and so I just have to suck it up. I was offered the chance to pick my own assistant but that would just be awkward and this is gonna be interesting enough.
We met yesterday and it did nothing to calm my nerves about the situation. She's a nice lady, in her late-40's and she's been around the industry for awhile so she knows what she's doing. But I don't know about telling someone who would technically be considered one of my elders what to do. The whole thing makes me uncomfortable. So I guess we'll see how well this works out, along with the increased responsibility, travel, etc.
On another note, one more of my ex-girlfriends is about to get married. And I don't feel a thing about it really. I have no real opinion of the guy, we've never really talked at length before, but she's happy and I'm happy for her. I'm invited to the aforementioned wedding this weekend and I'm just a little apprehensive about it because another ex is also on the guest list. We dated a little while back and she has a son who is just adorable but she went...well, a little fatal attraction on me near the end there and that's when I called it quits. Even that didn't stop her, the calls lingered for a month or so. I don't wanna run into her but I do wanna go to the wedding so I'm on the fence. We'll see how it goes.
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