Wednesday, November 26, 2014
Monday, November 24, 2014
Ch-Ch-Ch-Chia!
G: Why did you text me a picture of your ugly mug?
Me: Because you wanted to see the final product at the end of Movember.
G: You shaved this month so it doesn't count.
Me: No, I didn't.
G: Wait...you didn't shave for a month and THAT'S the final result?
Me: Yes...shut up.
G: LOL. You look like you haven't shaved in a week, not a month. What, did it just refuse to grow after the first week?
Me: lol Fuck you. I told you I'd never be able to grow a long ass beard.
G: Tip: When you forget to water your Chia pet, it stops growing. And then looks like that.
Me: LOL. I hate you. I'm going to shave so I look presentable for the holiday.
G: That shouldn't take long. Better that then the turkey laughing at your high school facial hair.
Me: lol Hey, my facial hair was much more questionable in high school. You've seen those pictures.
G: lol Good point.
Me: Because you wanted to see the final product at the end of Movember.
G: You shaved this month so it doesn't count.
Me: No, I didn't.
G: Wait...you didn't shave for a month and THAT'S the final result?
Me: Yes...shut up.
G: LOL. You look like you haven't shaved in a week, not a month. What, did it just refuse to grow after the first week?
Me: lol Fuck you. I told you I'd never be able to grow a long ass beard.
G: Tip: When you forget to water your Chia pet, it stops growing. And then looks like that.
Me: LOL. I hate you. I'm going to shave so I look presentable for the holiday.
G: That shouldn't take long. Better that then the turkey laughing at your high school facial hair.
Me: lol Hey, my facial hair was much more questionable in high school. You've seen those pictures.
G: lol Good point.
Monday, November 17, 2014
I Don't Know Peter, Meth Is A Helluva Drug
Her: Omg, this red velvet cake is the woo!
Me: It's Asian?
Her: lol No, I mean it's really good.
Me: lol I know what you meant dude.
Me: Grandpa Guiseppe is down with the lingo
Me: Hip to the game
Me: Feeling up your jive turkey
Her: LOL. FEEL MY TURKEY UP SO GOOD! STUUUUUFF IIIIIIIT!!!!
Me: LOL. Hey gurl, it must be Thanksgiving cuz I'm sooooooo ready for yo cranberries and jellay.
Me: Hey gurl, is your name Visa? Cuz you're everywhere I want to be.
Her: LOL Hey boy, you must be American Express cuz you're everywhere I want to be.
Me: I thought that was Visa's slogan?
Her: Fuck if I know.
Me: LOL. Um, if you tear yourself away from your Asian cake orgy, maybe you'd see my visa line was a play on their slogan
Her: LOL. DAMMITTT.
Me: It's Asian?
Her: lol No, I mean it's really good.
Me: lol I know what you meant dude.
Me: Grandpa Guiseppe is down with the lingo
Me: Hip to the game
Me: Feeling up your jive turkey
Her: LOL. FEEL MY TURKEY UP SO GOOD! STUUUUUFF IIIIIIIT!!!!
Me: LOL. Hey gurl, it must be Thanksgiving cuz I'm sooooooo ready for yo cranberries and jellay.
Me: Hey gurl, is your name Visa? Cuz you're everywhere I want to be.
Her: LOL Hey boy, you must be American Express cuz you're everywhere I want to be.
Me: I thought that was Visa's slogan?
Her: Fuck if I know.
Me: LOL. Um, if you tear yourself away from your Asian cake orgy, maybe you'd see my visa line was a play on their slogan
Her: LOL. DAMMITTT.
Saturday, November 15, 2014
Life Flies By In Seconds
Today at lunch, a man and his daughter, probably around 7 or 8, sat at a table just across the way from us, and the little girl was all smiles. Their table was right in my peripheral vision so I couldn't help but glance over there a number of times during our meal. And it was interesting. They ordered just a few minutes after sitting down and as soon as the waitress left, the man pulled his phone out and began fiddling with it. I assumed he was checking a message, but he continued to be completely tuned into his phone every time I glanced over. In fact, he never put it down again, not until they got up to leave. Throughout the meal, he was messing around on his phone while the girl just sat there, then ate, then just sat there some more until the check came. And he didn't say a word to her in all that time. It was kinda sad. She seemed so happy and excited when they sat down, but her mood did a total 180 when she realized there wouldn't be anything more than just sitting in silence and eating. Obviously I don't know for sure that the dude was her dad, or what the circumstances were, but body language can tell you an awful lot. I got the impression that it was a weekend visit with dad type of thing and it was not at all what she had in mind. On the way out of the restaurant, we passed another table where a teenage girl was sitting and eating with someone I assume was her father (but these days, who knows? It coulda been her sugar daddy or American fiance). She was glued to her phone and barely eating, paying no attention to him as he sat in silence. It was a complete reversal of the other situation.
All of this got me thinking about a lot of things. First, the window between our kids being in diapers and us being back in diapers is awful small. One minute they're little helpless dictators who demand every moment of your time, and the next minute they're self-sufficient, aloof know-it-alls who incessantly text their friends about how embarrassing you are. And that's why parenthood kinda sucks in a way - you get so used to being there and tending to their every need in the first years and then they start to grow up and become independent and you're still standing there like, "Hey...so I'm still here...you sure you don't need anything?". It ain't fair, yo. Second, you are an absolute idiot if you don't take full advantage of those years where they think you're all kindsa awesome. I mean, last month Miss N wanted eggnog ice cream but it hadn't been released yet, so I mixed vanilla ice cream with eggnog and nutmeg and it blew her mind, man. In ten years, she won't remember that, much less think I'm something special for having done it, but it was an awesome father-daughter moment. How many of those little moments has that dude missed because he was staring at his phone or doing some other less important ish? And how is she gonna feel about all that as she gets older? It's such a small thing but the difference between ignoring your kid during your time together or actually engaging with them could be huge. I really felt for that little girl and, in a different way, her father.
The last thing I thought about relating to all this is how I'm thankful my father was an absent one. That sounds harsh, maybe even weird, but stick with me here. I didn't know of, or meet my father until I was about 7. Mom took us to lunch with him and it was awkward. He promised to keep in touch and build relationships with each of us, but that lasted all of about three phone calls. We never heard from him again, never saw him again and he died five years ago and was mourned by his widow, the children he did have relationships with and their children. A few years after he lost touch, my brother tried to call him and invite him to his Little League Championship baseball game, but no one ever answered the phone. This dude never came to any of our games, school events, and wasn't there through a single milestone in any of our lives. And I think we're better for that. Why? Because if he had, we may very well have ended up with that kind of father who gets your hopes up but then lets you down every time. We may have ended up chasing a relationship with a father who really wasn't all that interested in knowing us. And that's far more damaging than just never knowing the dude. His reasons for that are his own, and we'll never know what they were since he's dead now, but in a way I'm thankful that we never knew him. I look at it as his loss, not ours, because my siblings are amazing human beings and he missed out on that.
If anything, today made me more appreciative of the time I have with Miss N. I've always gone back and forth about fatherhood (before her, obviously) because this is such a cruel world sometimes, but now it's like I can't imagine life without her. And I don't know how anyone, mother or father, can feel anything less than unconditional love for their child. Parenthood is no cakewalk, it's ridiculously demanding and it requires you to let go of your own selfish tendencies and any narcissism you may have had. But it's a fantastic experience. Even with the bad stuff like not sleeping, never eating without having to share, and having your face glued to the school window because you don't know what to do with yourself when there isn't a child attached to your side. I love being a father. And I know I've screwed up before and I will no doubt do so again throughout her life, but I'm still gonna try and be as good of a dad as I can be to Miss N. That's the commitment I made when she came into my life, and it's the most important commitment anyone can make. I hope that little girl I saw today has someone in her life who feels the same way about her.
All of this got me thinking about a lot of things. First, the window between our kids being in diapers and us being back in diapers is awful small. One minute they're little helpless dictators who demand every moment of your time, and the next minute they're self-sufficient, aloof know-it-alls who incessantly text their friends about how embarrassing you are. And that's why parenthood kinda sucks in a way - you get so used to being there and tending to their every need in the first years and then they start to grow up and become independent and you're still standing there like, "Hey...so I'm still here...you sure you don't need anything?". It ain't fair, yo. Second, you are an absolute idiot if you don't take full advantage of those years where they think you're all kindsa awesome. I mean, last month Miss N wanted eggnog ice cream but it hadn't been released yet, so I mixed vanilla ice cream with eggnog and nutmeg and it blew her mind, man. In ten years, she won't remember that, much less think I'm something special for having done it, but it was an awesome father-daughter moment. How many of those little moments has that dude missed because he was staring at his phone or doing some other less important ish? And how is she gonna feel about all that as she gets older? It's such a small thing but the difference between ignoring your kid during your time together or actually engaging with them could be huge. I really felt for that little girl and, in a different way, her father.
The last thing I thought about relating to all this is how I'm thankful my father was an absent one. That sounds harsh, maybe even weird, but stick with me here. I didn't know of, or meet my father until I was about 7. Mom took us to lunch with him and it was awkward. He promised to keep in touch and build relationships with each of us, but that lasted all of about three phone calls. We never heard from him again, never saw him again and he died five years ago and was mourned by his widow, the children he did have relationships with and their children. A few years after he lost touch, my brother tried to call him and invite him to his Little League Championship baseball game, but no one ever answered the phone. This dude never came to any of our games, school events, and wasn't there through a single milestone in any of our lives. And I think we're better for that. Why? Because if he had, we may very well have ended up with that kind of father who gets your hopes up but then lets you down every time. We may have ended up chasing a relationship with a father who really wasn't all that interested in knowing us. And that's far more damaging than just never knowing the dude. His reasons for that are his own, and we'll never know what they were since he's dead now, but in a way I'm thankful that we never knew him. I look at it as his loss, not ours, because my siblings are amazing human beings and he missed out on that.
If anything, today made me more appreciative of the time I have with Miss N. I've always gone back and forth about fatherhood (before her, obviously) because this is such a cruel world sometimes, but now it's like I can't imagine life without her. And I don't know how anyone, mother or father, can feel anything less than unconditional love for their child. Parenthood is no cakewalk, it's ridiculously demanding and it requires you to let go of your own selfish tendencies and any narcissism you may have had. But it's a fantastic experience. Even with the bad stuff like not sleeping, never eating without having to share, and having your face glued to the school window because you don't know what to do with yourself when there isn't a child attached to your side. I love being a father. And I know I've screwed up before and I will no doubt do so again throughout her life, but I'm still gonna try and be as good of a dad as I can be to Miss N. That's the commitment I made when she came into my life, and it's the most important commitment anyone can make. I hope that little girl I saw today has someone in her life who feels the same way about her.
Sunday, November 9, 2014
Who Ate All Da Kookies?
Well, I did it. I went speed dating last night. Not that's it's something I ever aspired to do. But, lucky me, I was the, "sure, you'll do" choice of a friend to replace someone who opted out at the almost last minute. Speed dating, in theory, should be better than suffering through an entire single date with someone you don't like. But...nah. In fact, it may be more annoying than being stuck on a bad date. Because people who speed date on the regular have the M.O. down. They sit down, they ramble on about themselves, inserting any information they deem pertinent, they ask you to ramble in a similar manner and then the whistle blows and you go on to the next. My problem with this is I'm not a rambler, so I end up awkwardly trying to say things like, "Um...I like hockey...and...I have a daughter". Perhaps it was my subconscious trying to intentionally derail the experience. Whatever the reason, I didn't meet anybody I wanted to date (although one woman did ask me to marry her after finding out I can cook and do Miss N's hair all by myself). But all's well that ends well since I have a couple of dates this week. If nothing else, it provided me with a good story and thus hilariousness from my partner in speed dating:
Her: All these men are creepy. Pretend we're together.
Me: ...If we're together, then why are we at speed dating?
Her: We're swingers looking for another couple.
Me: Again, why are we at speed dating? Swingers look for other couples.
Her: You know what? I don't wanna be married to such a mouthy bitch. We're divorced now.
Me: Cool. You take the kids, I'ma go find a newer, younger model.
Her: If I weren't halfway drunk, I'd object to that statement.
===========
Me: Damn, look at that chick's makeup...it's....a lot.
Her: She looks like like a cross between Snookie and Cookie Monster. She's Snookie Monster. Can you imagine Cookie Monster with a Snookie accent? 'Oh my gawd Elmoww, you ate all da kookies."
===========
Me: Damn, look at that chick's makeup...it's....a lot.
Her: She looks like like a cross between Snookie and Cookie Monster. She's Snookie Monster. Can you imagine Cookie Monster with a Snookie accent? 'Oh my gawd Elmoww, you ate all da kookies."
Thursday, November 6, 2014
Mancrush Thursday
MOC has been dating Gio for almost five months now. To my surprise,
she's been very cautious this time around and has kept me in the loop
the entire time, a first for us. As has been documented here (to the
point where Crazy Aunt really urged me to "be gay and marry Gio" and a
BFF said, "Two bucks says you'll knock Miss N over running to say hi to
him first), I am a fan of the dude. As ya'll know, I try my best not to
say anything offensive (lol Yeah, that sentence made me giggle too
because it's a lie, but I digress), however my first comment to MOC upon
meeting her man was how on earth did she land him. Don't get me wrong,
she's gorgeous and a great person, but this dude is like outta most
people's leagues. Straight from Italy, ridic good-looking, talented as
all hell and just the nicest dude. But still, she decided to be extra
cautious and make sure they felt the same way about each other before
introducing her to Miss N. With the holidays around the corner, we
realized that we'll be spending a lot more time together as we'd already
decided MOC and Miss N would come home with me for Thanksgiving. It
seemed like the time was now for Gio to meet everyone and figure out if
he really wants to be a part of the madness for the long haul. I have to
say it's quite refreshing to not have any qualms about MOC's boyfriend
being introduced to our girl. Usually there's some reason or another for
trepidation, but not this time. Gio and Miss N are going to meet over
the weekend and, hopefully, they'll get along. If all goes well, he'll
also be heading home with us for the Turkey Day festivities, which are
the true test as to whether anyone is a keeper. Survive Thanksgiving
with my clan, and you can survive anything, yo.
A friend of mine expressed how happy she is that MOC and I have found our happy place as a family. There were some major touch and go moments there for way too long, but now we have this great friendship and are able to be happy for each other. Yeah, the road was rough but now I know I'm pretty lucky to have landed in the situation I'm in. It's a non-traditional family that will hopefully grow as I find someone to share my life with and maybe have more kids (and lemme tell you, nothing sends you back and forth about having more kids than when the one you already have starts to get mouthy). It's really something to look up from all the bitterness and fighting and realize, "Hey...I like you and we could be great friends". Whilst we wait on the meet up report, here is a fantastic conversation between MOC and I.
Me: Don't take this the wrong way...but how the hell did you land him, dude?
MOC: I know, right?! I wish I had a school reunion coming up, I'd ride him into that room like a parade float.
Me: LOL. May I suggest a, "Suck it bitches!" banner on the front of the float?
MOC: LMAO. God, yes. That one bitch who teased me for being a mutt...ooooooh, I would love to show her what this mutt ended up with.
Me: Macy's Parade, here we come!
MOC: Hell, next reunion I have, I'm bringing you, Miss N and Gio. "Look who I've done since high school while you were sleeping with your boring white bread high school sweetheart.". I might work details of the sex into the convo too, so be ready lol.
Me: LOL. Um...I think I'm busy that night, soooo...
MOC: lol Oh, no you don't. You will go to this reunion (which will probably be like my fiftieth at this point, so keep your looks) and you will brag about me!
Me: NEVER!!!!
MOC: I'll let you stare at Gio while you talk me up...
Me: Well...maybe.
MOC: LOL. And absolutely no shame about your mancrush, either.
Me: No ma'am lol.
A friend of mine expressed how happy she is that MOC and I have found our happy place as a family. There were some major touch and go moments there for way too long, but now we have this great friendship and are able to be happy for each other. Yeah, the road was rough but now I know I'm pretty lucky to have landed in the situation I'm in. It's a non-traditional family that will hopefully grow as I find someone to share my life with and maybe have more kids (and lemme tell you, nothing sends you back and forth about having more kids than when the one you already have starts to get mouthy). It's really something to look up from all the bitterness and fighting and realize, "Hey...I like you and we could be great friends". Whilst we wait on the meet up report, here is a fantastic conversation between MOC and I.
Me: Don't take this the wrong way...but how the hell did you land him, dude?
MOC: I know, right?! I wish I had a school reunion coming up, I'd ride him into that room like a parade float.
Me: LOL. May I suggest a, "Suck it bitches!" banner on the front of the float?
MOC: LMAO. God, yes. That one bitch who teased me for being a mutt...ooooooh, I would love to show her what this mutt ended up with.
Me: Macy's Parade, here we come!
MOC: Hell, next reunion I have, I'm bringing you, Miss N and Gio. "Look who I've done since high school while you were sleeping with your boring white bread high school sweetheart.". I might work details of the sex into the convo too, so be ready lol.
Me: LOL. Um...I think I'm busy that night, soooo...
MOC: lol Oh, no you don't. You will go to this reunion (which will probably be like my fiftieth at this point, so keep your looks) and you will brag about me!
Me: NEVER!!!!
MOC: I'll let you stare at Gio while you talk me up...
Me: Well...maybe.
MOC: LOL. And absolutely no shame about your mancrush, either.
Me: No ma'am lol.
Tuesday, November 4, 2014
The Wisdom Of The Ages
The Christmas tree at the family home has handmade ornaments for
everyone in the family, both those still here and those who came before.
We're adding three new ones to the tree this year; DMC's wife, the gay
cousin's husband and my cousin's just arrived little man, JJ. Crazy Aunt
is helping make the ornaments this year and...well...
Crazy Aunt: I have to make an ornament for the baby.
Me: Ok. Thanks for sharing.
Crazy Aunt: So what does he like?
Me: lol What?
Crazy Aunt: I have to put pictures and things on it, so what does he like?
Me: Well, he's about eight hours old and he's had nurses fawning all over him most of that time, so I've yet to pick his brain on whether he prefers pina coladas or getting caught in the rain.
Crazy Aunt: Don't be such a smartass. I just don't know what to put on his ornament.
Me: How about, "Baby's First Christmas"?
Crazy Aunt: Oooooh, you're really good!
Me: Yes. I just invented that phrase right now. Oooooh, aaaaaaah.
Crazy Aunt: Oh hush! Don't sing that Pina Colada Song to that baby. It's not for kids.
Me: You went on an extended rant about vaginas in front of Miss N just weeks ago!
Crazy Aunt: That's different. She's almost a woman now.
Me: She's 6!
Crazy Aunt: I meant in dog years.
Me: LOL. You know, it's a shame you didn't have more kids you could impart your glorious wisdom on.
Crazy Aunt: lol You'll carry on my legacy, I'm sure.
Crazy Aunt: I have to make an ornament for the baby.
Me: Ok. Thanks for sharing.
Crazy Aunt: So what does he like?
Me: lol What?
Crazy Aunt: I have to put pictures and things on it, so what does he like?
Me: Well, he's about eight hours old and he's had nurses fawning all over him most of that time, so I've yet to pick his brain on whether he prefers pina coladas or getting caught in the rain.
Crazy Aunt: Don't be such a smartass. I just don't know what to put on his ornament.
Me: How about, "Baby's First Christmas"?
Crazy Aunt: Oooooh, you're really good!
Me: Yes. I just invented that phrase right now. Oooooh, aaaaaaah.
Crazy Aunt: Oh hush! Don't sing that Pina Colada Song to that baby. It's not for kids.
Me: You went on an extended rant about vaginas in front of Miss N just weeks ago!
Crazy Aunt: That's different. She's almost a woman now.
Me: She's 6!
Crazy Aunt: I meant in dog years.
Me: LOL. You know, it's a shame you didn't have more kids you could impart your glorious wisdom on.
Crazy Aunt: lol You'll carry on my legacy, I'm sure.
Monday, November 3, 2014
Health Nut
G: You're like really pretty.
Me: Thank you.
G: So, you agree?
Me: What?
G: That you're really pretty.
Me: Um...I guess so.
G: lol Ah, "Mean Girls" in the morning. Thank you for playing along.
Me: lol Anytime.
G: I read an article this morning that said having multiple sexual partners can dramatically reduce the risk of prostate cancer. So there's one disease we know won't take you out down the line.
Me: LOL. It's nice to cross that off the list. Now I can say I did them all for my health.
G: LOL. Just what women like to hear. Although, I'm not sure it meant multiple partners all in one session...
Me: ...Meh, I'm still good I think.
Me: Thank you.
G: So, you agree?
Me: What?
G: That you're really pretty.
Me: Um...I guess so.
G: lol Ah, "Mean Girls" in the morning. Thank you for playing along.
Me: lol Anytime.
G: I read an article this morning that said having multiple sexual partners can dramatically reduce the risk of prostate cancer. So there's one disease we know won't take you out down the line.
Me: LOL. It's nice to cross that off the list. Now I can say I did them all for my health.
G: LOL. Just what women like to hear. Although, I'm not sure it meant multiple partners all in one session...
Me: ...Meh, I'm still good I think.
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