What A Waste Of War, This Peace

I came dangerously close to reaching out to BP last night. I'm not sure why I even thought of her, or felt the urge to speak to her, but I did. I used to think still caring made me a glutton for punishment but upon reflection, I don't think that's what it is. Whenever you become friends or lovers (or, ideally both) with someone, you learn all their little personality kinks and what makes them tick and how they think. Sometimes you can anticipate how they will react to certain situations, which can be an asset if you're dealing with a negative issue. I knew BP well; I knew the kinks and I knew how she'd take certain comments or assumptions she'd make about things. But I never did learn what made her tick. I could never pin down her thought process and how she got from Point A to Point B. That always irked me, though I didn't realize it until long after we split. I didn't continue to go back out of love, I fell out of love with her at least a year or so before it officially ended. I went back because I cared about her as a friend and a person, and because a part of me always wondered if I was just missing some glaring, vital clue that would make me understand what made her tick. It's that feeling of, "Did I miss something?" that people get when ish implodes and then go back over everything with a fine-toothed comb, only I was going back to a person over and over again. And in all my searching, I never did solve the mystery.
We all have something that motivates us or drives us, be it career aspirations or family or love or even the pursuit of wealth. BP was (and probably still is) VERY work-driven, though she didn't always devote that energy to her career. She worked a fair amount of temporary jobs and still allowed herself to be completely taken over by them. I used to think work was her motivation, until I saw how unhappy it actually made her. I would try and tell her to take a step back and decide what she really wanted to do and pursue that, and she attempted it a few times, but quickly lost interest and went back to what she knew she was good at. Work didn't drive her, it was just all she'd had for so long and it provided an escape from her own life and problems. I knew family wasn't her motivator. She loved her family and put up with a lot of ish from them, but they weren't her reason for anything. BP claimed to want a life partner and to be in something great romantically, yet she took every opportunity to set us back ten steps over what should have been minor issues. The way she told it, BP once had money to burn and did so by buying a house and car and various other things that later landed her in deep debt. I imagine falling from that height had to be painful, but once I saw how she still spent like she had all the money in the world, I had less sympathy. She once went to a specific retailer and maxed out her store card simply because they'd raised her credit limit (and with zero intent to pay the bill). She would pass on gigs that could help her career and pay her bills, choosing instead to go job to job and live with basically no money. I tuned out of her money woes as time wore on because I just didn't understand the mentality. Which is right in line with not knowing how she ticked.
The one thing I did figure out about BP is that while she claimed to loathe any kind of yelling or conflict, she never hesitated to participate in it and escalate it to an unnecessarily nasty level. I always attributed this to her childhood. Her parents fought quite a bit in front of her and her siblings and always said vile things to one another in the process. She witnessed that at a young age and I think it stuck with her. Part of her brain may tell her that's not the way to fight and to avoid it at all costs, but the other part has conflict ingrained in it and makes it so that she can't help but fight the way she saw her parents fight. That extreme instinct to go for self-preservation probably comes from the fact that she saw her parents get hurt when one went for the jugular on the other, and she doesn't want to be the one to get hurt. While I understood that instinct, and often tried to work things out before we got into fight territory, I also made it clear that I wasn't going to be with someone who fought that way. Our upbringings affect us in many ways, but if someone wants to change something like how they fight badly enough, there are ways to do so. She claimed to know that, but never claimed to want to change. Even if she had, her talk about making changes was just that - talk. She'd constantly tell me she was going to change things about herself or her life but once she lost interest in doing so, which was usually a few days or weeks later, she never spoke of it again and never changed anything. In getting her tank of self-preservation every time she sensed trouble on the horizon, she often ended up hurting me and then not even being able to comprehend why I was upset. Instead of fighting fair or possibly getting her herself, she opted to become the one doing the hurting. And I was always floored by effortless it was for her. At the same time, she could go from being very nasty to being very contrite in a heartbeat. The best example of this is probably an argument we had over the phone in the middle of the day. I don't recall the subject, but she was pissed at me and I was editing while we had our conversation. After about an hour of back and forth bickering she said, "I deserve so much better than this..." and I'd finally had it. I snapped and told her, "Then go find better, we're done". And just like that, she snapped back to reality and came down from her anger. First, she was shocked by what I'd said and thought I was joking, but when it became clear I wasn't, she had a meltdown. I told her I was tired of the endless fighting and the comments like that one and if ish was so bad, she should just consider herself free to pursue "better" options. She begged me not to end it and eventually turned on the waterworks and we finally talked ish through in normal tones, rather than yelling at one another. But even the insinuation that I was gone was enough to bring her back down to earth and make her realize she was acting like an ass. Still, it didn't change the way she fought. If anything, it taught her how far she could push me before I just threw my hands up.
I read a timely quote this morning that said someone shouldn't worry when you fight with them, they should worry when you stop fighting with them because it means there's nothing left to fight for. That was pretty much what happened with us. When BP decided to ignore me in the hopes that I would come to Jesus and settle down with her, it had the reverse effect of allowing me more time with people who did truly love me, and to date people who were interested in me. I found myself to be a little combative with the first few people I dated, constantly looking for something to argue about or make an issue of. Not because I wanted to, but because I'd been conditioned for that by BP. Every time I heard from her, I put up my armor and prepare for war. It took me a minute to re-learn that isn't how a relationship is supposed to be. As I learned this, I began to care less about whether or not the two of us patched things up. I chased her for a minute, but then I got wise to the fact she wasn't ever going to chase me and so I stopped. And the fights stopped. She pitched a good game about still thinking about me "constantly" and "caring immensely", but her actions proved otherwise. If you care that much and if you think about someone all the time, you make a damn effort. She was making none. If I hadn't been initiating conversations with her, I doubt she would've been speaking to me. And there really was nothing to fight for at that point. I didn't feel wanted or loved or like much of anything to her. It would've taken surprisingly little for her to prove me wrong, but she couldn't be bothered. Who wants to be with someone who literally won't even lift a finger for them? Not I.
It was all of these things that swirled through my brain last night as I contemplated reaching out to BP. The feeling I used to get when I contacted her and never got a reply was always awful, and that was back when I actually supposedly meant something to her. The way I would talk to her in a calm way with no intent of arguing and with just one "wrong" word, she would turn on me and then disengage altogether. I feel like I stuck it out as long as I could, and longer than most others would've. I cared too much and that backfired in this particular case. I couldn't just be a bastard and tell her to fuck off and move on. If I'd been able to do that, it would have saved me a world of hurt. But everything for a reason. And all of these reasons were why I ultimately decided against saying anything to her. I know for sure I used to care deeply for her, but now I'm pretty meh about the whole thing we went through. I don't know if she ever really cared, but I know she was meh while we were in the relationship. And I'm not settling for that kind of thing again. Contacting her only opens a line of communication that will end in tragedy. What's past will remain in the past.

Don't Think I'm Being Funny When I Say You Got Just What You Deserved

Karma is a bitch. A few years back, my cousin A was about to go ring shopping to propose to his girlfriend of almost 7 years. A is more like my brother, we talk incessantly during the day and hang out every chance we get. Somehow, his girlfriend caught wind of the proposal and made it clear she wasn't ready for that, a line she had given him many times before. She was younger by about four years and said she wanted to build up a career before she entered a marriage. While A was still reeling from her saying she didn't want to get hitched, he also confirmed a long held suspicion that she'd had an affair with a co-worker (the co-worker thought they were broken up at the time) and he finally cut her loose for good. He took the breakup extremely hard, but knew he had no other choice. And then five minutes after they broke up, she married someone else. Most of us believed the reason behind the quickie marriage was some sort of diss to A and how she was ready to marry, but just didn't want to marry him. Mom thinks it was some kind of weird remorseful thing where she wanted him to hear of the engagement and have him come running back to beg her to marry him instead. When he didn't, she went through with the marriage anyway for whatever reason. No matter the plan, or if there was a plan at all, it backfired in grand fashion. A took the chance to totally wash his hands of her once she got hitched and it was the first step to his moving on.
I don't like to gloat, and I never kick someone when they're down, but I have very little sympathy for A's ex. She fucked with him and then fucked him over and I saw what all of that did to him. It took at least a year for him to come out of it and even then, it sort of shut off the part of him that wanted to be married and have kids and be in love. His ex flew right under my radar and had me believing she was a decent person, which pisses me off. And I was pissed off to hear that A and the ex had a little conversation last night, until I heard what they discussed. As it turns out, her husband has been cheating on her almost from the start of the marriage and she just found out about it. She ran to A all in tears, talking about how she should divorce the husband but, if she does, might A wanna try things again. He had to stop himself from laughing before saying, "Heeeeeelllll NO". He handled it very, very well actually, which is impressive since he can sometimes be a bit of a pushover (which I'm sure is something she was counting on him still being). The way he told her to fuck off sounds epic and I wish I could've been there to see it firsthand. If she divorces the husband, it'll be after less than three years of marriage. How pathetic. The best part is A and his awesome girlfriend, AK, are on the verge of becoming engaged. AK, knowing of what a toll the last relationship took on A, said she'd get engaged to him right now and announce that ish all over social media so the ex could see. Childish? Yes. But I know the feeling. Perhaps the ex will learn a valuable lesson from all this. You don't get to fuck up somebody the way she did A and get to live happily ever after. What goes around comes around, ya'll.

And Isn't This The Life? It's Everything You Wanted

If you know me, you know I am a huge hockey fan and endlessly loyal to my beloved Colorado Avalanche. I watch as many NHL games as I can during the year, watch every Avalanche game and play my hockey video game in an attempt to capture Lord Stanley's Cup and be a kickass NHL player (if only in my own mind). I love hockey. So I'm dismayed to learn that the NHL I am such a fan of appears to think it's not big deal that one of it's biggest stars may be a rapist. Patrick Kane is a 26-year-old forward for the Chicago Blackhawks. He was instrumental in the 'Hawks winning three Stanley Cups in the last five years (a huge accomplishment as the Cup is the hardest trophy in sports to win once, nevermind three times). Kane was a part of a rejuvenation for the 'Hawks and things have gone very well on the ice for the team since he entered the league. Off the ice, things have not been so rosy. Unlike the NFL and NBA, the NHL does not allow its rookies to have absurd contracts and money thrown in their faces as soon as they enter the league. Instead, the maximum contract NHL rookies can have is in the six figures, and they're also required to live with a veteran player and his family for at least their first season to show young players how to conduct themselves properly. This is even more important if you have a player like Kane who was widely considered to be a Hall of Famer someday. But all the precautions in the world can't stop someone from believing their own hype. It also can't change any negative habits or compulsions that already exist inside that player.
Last month, news broke that Patrick Kane had been accused of rape by a 21-year-old woman who visited his Buffalo mansion with a friend on August 2nd. According to a report released at the time, Kane had invited the alleged victim's friend to come back to his house after a night of partying at a bar and the women decided to go together, presumably as a safety precaution. In his home is where it is claimed he raped the woman, who would later go to a local hospital for a rape examination as well as report the incident to the Buffalo PD. It was there the case remained, with a million unanswered questions, until a few weeks ago when it was announced a grand jury would take on the case. However, those proceedings were abruptly postponed the day they were to begin, allegedly because there was talk of a financial settlement. At around the same time, NHL teams began training camp and many wondered if Kane should be allowed to participate. Some said there was no reason he shouldn't as he'd yet to be charged with a crime and had not broken the NHL's morals clause contained in all player contracts. Others said he should take himself out of camp in order to not be a distraction, which I agreed with but knew he was too arrogant to do so. Kane showed up, to quite the showing of support from fans in attendance at the first day of camp, and the Blackhawks had a "press conference" that included him, their head coach, their GM and President. And it was a disaster. They refused any and all questions involving the accusations and said they had the utmost respect for the legal process. Kane himself said very little. It was a press conference likely intended to take attention away from the elephant in the room, but instead it only amplified the whole situation. Last week it was announced the grand jury would convene again in a few weeks, and someone also leaked a report about DNA found on the alleged victim. The waters here have been muddy from the time the story broke, many people choosing to reserve their judgement until we see how it all plays out. But today's events have left a very sour taste in a lot of people's mouths, for various reasons. The accuser's lawyer held a press conference and, unlike the 'Hawks attempt at one, it turned out to be very fruitful. The attorney called for an immediate, independent investigation into the Buffalo PD in order to figure out how his clients' rape kit ended up ripped open and left on her mother's doorstep. Yes, you read that right - a victim's rape kit, which should have only gone from the hospital to the police department, was placed on her family's doorstep. SVU couldn't even make this ish up, ya'll. I've certainly never heard of such a thing.
Thus far, there's been no word from the Kane camp about what this latest twist implies. The NHL says Kane's status remains unchanged and he will be allowed to play, which I don't agree with but I do understand. Yes, this looks awful for him, but technically he still has not committed a suspendable offense in the eyes of the league. And I'm sure if they tried to suspend him, the player's union would be all over them, thus creating an even bigger distraction. Do I think it's fair he's allowed to play? No, but I expected as much. Still, the court of public opinion has already begun to swing in the opposite direction of Kane, as it should with these new allegations. And it's really Kane's own fault. This is a player who has been a problem child off the ice for the league ever since his pro career began. There have been reports that he's been called into the offices of Blackhawks brass on numerous occasions, purely for the purpose of them explaining to him that he represents an organization and needs to conduct himself accordingly. In 2009, Kane and his cousin were arrested after physically assaulting a cab driver who did not have proper change to give them after a cab ride. Kane gave the driver $15 and the tab was $14.80. When you fuck a guy up over 20 cents, you can't expect people to give you the benefit of the doubt when you're accused of another violent act years later. That incident also took place in his hometown of Buffalo and he eventually pled guilty to misdemeanor charges and got a conditional release, but never mentioned nor apologized to the cab driver until the court forced him to. The fact that 20 cents was worthy of a beatdown in his opinion, and that he refused to apologize for so long tells me Kane has a special kind of arrogance - the kind that may make him believe he can take what he wants regardless of whether it's been offered to him. Criminals escalate, and the more privileged the criminal is, the quicker the crimes can get out of hand. I would not be surprised if Kane is in fact proven guilty when the dust settles.
These latest events are horrific for the victim and are a prime example of why rape and sexual assault victims are so reluctant to come forward, especially when the perpetrator is a famous man. This woman was already shaded by a bartender and a policeman who both called her character into question publicly, though neither was actually at the house when the alleged attack occurred. The officer was moonlighting as Kane's limo driver and is a longtime family friend who is now under investigation himself for being with Kane when he was supposed to be working at the police department. The bar owner was supposedly going to be the host of Kane's Stanley Cup party this year and is also a longtime friend. It would appear the Kane family has a lot of friends in their native Buffalo. I don't know if it was a family member, an attorney or Kane himself who may have ordered this rape kit to be essentially destroyed, but it doesn't bode well for him. Hell, it could've been a cop who did it in the mistaken belief he was helping out the hometown golden boy and Kane's camp could have nothing to do with it at all. But as possession is 9/10ths of the law, perception is 9/10ths of one's image, and Kane's image wasn't good even before all this. It doesn't take a genius to put some of the pieces together and wonder if his camp tried to pay the girl off and when she refused, someone ordered this rape kit stunt as a means of telling her they know where her family lives and, oh by the way, you have no evidence. Maybe we'll never know for sure who did it, that wouldn't be a shock. But I put nothing past someone like Patrick Kane. It will be interesting to see how things evolve from here on out. The one thing that struck me about all of this is that Kane is the only boy in a family of girls - he has three sisters. I've never understood how men with close female relatives can take advantage of a woman. How would you feel if it was your sister or your mother or your daughter? I can't wrap my head around that. If he did do it, I hope he gets what he deserves. If he didn't, well he did himself no favors by being an arrogant, entitled prick all of these years.

How To Get Away With A Meh Season

The bestie and I just finished binge watching "How To Get Away With Murder" last night and I have some thoughts.

~ I watched every season of "Scandal", which is from the same writer/producer as HTGAWM. I'm not a huge fan of hers because her writing is ridiculous a lot of the time, but then that's what made "Scandal" fun for the first two seasons. Since then, it's just gotten stupid and I won't be returning to watch next season. I was worried HTGAWM would suffer from the same stupidity, but am pleased to report that that chick doesn't write many of the episodes. Because of that, the story is much more believable and the dialogue is a lot better. Still, HTGAWM suffers from some continuity issues in its story and I thought the finale was a bit 'meh'.

~ I don't care for the way the producer writes the same character over and over and people just think it's the most innovative shit ever. Oliva Pope is a no nonsense fixer who can't get out of her own way in her personal life and is lost without a man in her life. The more married or fucked up the man is, the better. Annalise Keating, the lead in HTGAWM, is a no nonsense lawyer who often tells her clients to let her fix things for them and has a mess of a personal life that includes a dog of a husband, whom she began dating while he was still married (you lose 'em how you get 'em, girl). She's also having an affair with a married man. Olivia and Annalise are both lawyers with the same temperament and the same personal issues, the only difference being Annalise was able to take her husband from his first wife, while Olivia forever lies in wait for her man. And is it ever a case of be careful what you wish for on Annalise's end as he husband continues to philander throughout their marriage.

~ Expanding on that last thought, why is every lead woman on a Shonda Rhimes show so fucking dependent on a man?? It's one thing to write shows about strong female lead characters, the world needs more of that. But is it too much to ask that at least one of them be comfortable being in her own skin and not fucking someone else's husband? Yes, we all have our issues but I can assure you that not every chick with a successful work life is A-Ok with banging a married man. There are few things hotter than a chick who has her crap together, knows who she is and what she wants and won't settle for such foolishness in her personal life. But Rhimes' shows never have that. Meredith Grey needed a married McDreamy. Olivia Pope pines for a married President Fitzgerald Grant. Annalise Keating is so emotionally dependent on her cheating, lying, potential murderer of a husband that even after he attempts to physically assault her, she still stays with him, while continuing to bang her married cop boyfriend. Her dependence on the husband is disgusting a lot of the time. I'd kill (no pun intended) for a show where the strong woman doesn't need to be fixed or saved by a man. That would be a way to innovate.

~ Part of my love for the first two seasons of "Scandal" is that it is one of those rare shows whose twists and turns provoke an, "Oh my god" out loud. That show was basically an English telenovela and my Mexican ass, familiar with the formula as I grew up watching such fare, was all in. Yeah, it was crazy ish that could never actually happen, but it was done in a fun, tongue-in-cheek way, like in the novelas when a maid looked directly at the camera after finding out the father of her baby was a priest (because, somehow, she did not know she'd ever slept with said priest). It was when the "Scandal" writers began to believe their own hype and run out of new tricks that the show became awful. Olivia and Fitz went back and forth so many times that I didn't even care anymore, and all of the characters on the show lost any redeeming qualities they'd once had as people. HTGAWM differs in that it's not going for the outrageous and actually has believable storylines. It also finds a way to avoid certain pitfalls. Since the show takes place at a prestigious college, it would be easy to dislike all of the trust fund baby students and their rich people problems. For example, one of the girls has her life all planned out; marrying her handsome (rich) fiance who will go into politics, she'll become a lawyer, they'll have children and live a charmed existence. But you can't help but feel for her a little when you see her life began to rip apart at the seams as she finds out her fiance had some fun with the boys in high school and her monster-in-law demands she sign a pre-nup. (And those are just the appetizers for her, the main course ends up being a million times worse.) It would be easy to write it off as a show about an emotionless and mean professor and her spoiled students, but each one of them has had a reason for you to feel for them.

~ HTGAWM's second season begins on Thursday, but I'm not sure I'll watch it until next year, the same way I did with this season. I don't care for cliffhangers and I know the show takes a two month break around the holidays, and I also don't feel like I absolutely am dying to know what happens next. The first half of the season was great, and the ending unexpected, but I don't know how much meat is left for a second season. Are we doing the same storyline over again? Kinda seems like it. Overall, I'm glad I watched season 1 and we'll see what happens (eventually) in season 2.

Because Of My Race, I've Heard "No" Too Many Times

I did not watch The Emmy Awards this year because there was no one I really felt the need to see win an Emmy. I'm a TV junkie. but fell behind on last year's shows and none of the ones I love were nominated anyway. Apparently, I wasn't the only one who didn't tune in because it was the lowest rated show in the history of the Emmys (not helped by Fox's moronic decision to air them in September against football). The sad part about the ratings is that history was actually made and few people saw it. Kerry Washington has been nominated a handful of times for her work on "Scandal" and I firmly believe she should've won at least one Emmy for the role by now. The first year she was nominated, it was widely believed she'd win and become the first African-American woman to win an Emmy as a lead actress in a TV show. She never did take one home though and, sadly, I think her window of opportunity is now closed (at least, for the role of Olivia). However, Viola Davis is 1-for-1 when it comes to the Emmy for lead actress in a television series, taking home the prize over the weekend and making a fantastic speech about opportunity for minorities in the industry, saying, "The only thing that separates women of color from anyone else is simply opportunity. You cannot win an Emmy for roles that are simply not there.". We should've been talking about her historic win this week and what it might mean down the road for minorities potentially landing lead roles in more projects. Instead, thanks to Twitter and an ignorant soap opera actress, people are once again discussing whether or not the struggle by minorities, and women, to be treated as equals has really been all that bad.

I won't go into what exactly the soap chick tweeted because A) She tweeted an awful lot and B) A simple Googling will bring her comments up. The cliffnotes version is that she insulted Davis for using Harriet Tubman's name in her speech ("I heard Harriet Tubman and I thought it's a fucking Emmy for gods sake. She wasn't digging through a tunnel"), claimed Davis had never been discriminated against and claimed mentioning race in her speech was using the show to further the agenda of race. And you know what? You're damn right she was trying to further an agenda, though not the one this chick thought. The only agenda any actor of color has is to breakthrough so it's easier for others to follow them. Viola Davis is 50-years-old and has been action for eons and only in 2014 did she get her first lead role in a TV show, "How To Get Away With Murder". That's huge. In the same way it was huge when America Ferrera and Vanessa Williams had the lead roles on "Ugly Betty". What makes it an even bigger accomplishment is that all were playing successful, smart women instead of the cliched roles minority actors have been relegated to forever. Do you know how big of a relief it would be someday to not even have to add a line about someone becoming the first Black/Latin/Asian person to win an award or snag a certain role? Davis is right that given the opportunity, minority actors can shine just as well as their white counterparts. It is the opportunities that are lacking and we can only do so much to create those for ourselves in an industry that seems intent on not helping the cause. That is what is hopefully on the agenda down the line, and using your moment in the sun, a moment that not only you but those who came before you worked towards, is absolutely the right venue to draw attention to the cause and I applaud her for it. And for some white woman, who I guarantee you has never lost out on a role because she's white, claiming a minority has never been discriminated against (whether she meant in life or in her career) is absolutely delusional and insulting, especially when Davis has been quite vocal for years about her struggles in the industry due to her race.
Once Twitter began to go in on this chick, she went between making excuses for her comments like she supposedly didn't know they would upset people and how she didn't have a PR expert there to proofread her texts. For many, Twitter is instinctive. We go there when we're in the immediate stage of some kind of emotion or feeling some type of way about a current event and we tweet that emotion to the world. But when you're famous (or not famous but just very stupid, like this woman), you better damn well watch what you put out there. And if you choose not to do so, don't bitch about how no one is there to tell you what you're tweeting is racist as fuck. This chick later went on to try and flip the script, claiming she maybe shouldn't have been so accosted by Twitter because she's some kind of friend to minorities, while simultaneously suggesting she only supports them because they support her (or at least they used to). Pick a lane, lady. She should've straight up apologized after realizing what she'd said and left it at that. But then, I guess if you're one to say such things in the first place, you probably have no concept of how to apologize properly.
Listen, I'm a mutt with various colors and heritages coursing through my veins. I can usually see all sides of a situation. But nothing grinds my gears like white people whining about how they've been discriminated against, or telling us minority folk how we think/feel/are or are not discriminated against. Racism of any kind, be it offensive jokes or burning crosses or wanting to build a new fence on the border, is not something anyone is born with, it is a learned behavior often based on misinformation. Do not tell me the playing field is all level now because the President is Black. A Black President doesn't mean I can't get pulled over by the cops who demand to see my "papers" when I'm in Arizona. A Black President doesn't mean people don't stare at me and my multi-racial daughter when we walk down the street. A Black President doesn't mean all minorities are getting free torches and pitchforks from the government to come hunt ya'll white folks down, but some sure act like that's the case and now they're the ones being hated on. Hell, almost eight years into his Presidency, a lot of fuckers still claim Obama is not an American citizen and/or is a Muslim. No leader has had to jump through more hoops, and I guarantee you no one will be demanding a birth certificate from any future President who is white. Like Davis' win, Obama's election was just a small step in what is a monumental, decades old battle. Maybe total equality will be a thing someday, maybe it won't. But we all know it certainly is not that way now.

Bitter Disappointments, Except For One Or Two

My 16-year-old niece is in the midst of her first almost-relationship with a boy. And, as is the case in most relationships, she's already annoyed by him. This is a girl who up until now has been totally devoted to her passion and what she wants to be someday, so her even liking a guy enough to want to go out with him took her by surprise. But she's realizing that the dude doesn't seem to know how to return a message, and it's working her nerves. She texts him or leaves a voicemail and he doesn't respond for hours or even a day. She's already not sure where they stand so all of this only makes her more confused about the situation. And that's also annoying her. She asked me if this type of behavior changes once people become adults and I literally laughed out loud. No. No, it does not. Ah, to be blissfully unaware of wait awaits us in adulthood.

I'm beginning to think texting etiquette is a genetic trait, implanted in us whether texting was a thing when we were born or not. My mom is quite vocal about her annoyance when people don't return her texts immediately. If you take two hours to return my aunt's text, she assumes you're dead and says as much. My cousin is the most impatient return text awaiter I've ever known (I swear, 30 seconds is like 25 seconds too long). It's an instant gratification society and my family is not only on that train, they're probably the conductors of it. By comparison, I don't ask much when it comes to returning messages. If I know the person will get back as soon as they get a minute, I'm good. I have a few friends who are terrible at keeping in contact, yet still make the effort to return my messages whenever possible. And even when they don't, it doesn't annoy me too much because I know them so well. The thing that I can't stand is when I'm engaged in a conversation with someone and they just disappear off the face of the earth. I've learned that is one of my bigger pet peeves. If a serious talk is in order and it has to be done via text, don't start a convo that you can't finish. And if it's an unforeseen incident that prevents it from finishing, pick it up ASAP the next day. That's how I've always understood these things to work, that's how it works with most people I know. But it took me a long time to realize that some people just don't care about any of that. When they perceive the convo finished, they go on their merry way and fuck you and anything else you have to say or anything you need to have worked out. It's not their problem, it's yours. Here's the thing though, it is their problem, and it's not yours. If someone doesn't see the point in taking a convo to completion, especially if they're well aware that that's what you need, then that's on them. Don't concern yourself with how others handle their ish because it can both baffle and infuriate you at times.

Someone posted something to my FB wall the other day that said, "Fall in love with someone who always returns your texts and never lets you go to bed feeling unwanted". And is that ever on target. Especially since all you can do sometimes is send your support or love via a message or a call. If someone can't be bothered to respond to you or always leaves you feeling unwanted or like they really don't care, then accept where they stand and move on. You need positive, loving, caring people in your life who know your value and treat you like they understand your worth. It's highly possible this kid is just young and immature and nothing more, but even if that's the case, consider whether or not you're willing to put up with even that. Know your limits, Miss R.

I Put My Thang Down, Flip It & Reverse It

I sent a photo to a friend that said, "Can you imagine a family member going through your phone after you died and being like, "This nasty bitch...RIP though". Hilarity ensues.

Friend: LOL. I'm more worried about them finding my pleasure chest in my closet.

Me: LOL Pleasure chest. Get a label maker and print that out all classy like so no one has a heart attack - "My Plezha Chest".

Friend: LOL. In italics so it looks nicer.

Me: lol Well of course in italics. We're not savages.

Friend: LOL

Me: Then on the inside of the chest, "It was worth it when I worked it. I put my thang down, flipped it and reversed it". Also in italics, of course.

Friend: LOL "salkhduhfoihf  hfkhfdoihfiofds"

It's My Party, I'll Assault You If I Want To

AK: Then she says she wouldn't come to one of my parties because it'd be lame. Bitch please, my parties are fantastic. Yahtzee and shit.
Me: LOL
AK: You'd come to one of my parties, right?
Me: Yes. Yes I would. And if you threw that party and invited everyone you knew, you would see the biggest gift would be from me.
AK: And the card attached would say?
Me: Thank you for being a friennnnnnd *sun sets over the hen house*
AK: LOL. That was inspired. If you were invited to one of my parties, it'd be as entertainment 
Me: lol I could sing at your party
AK: Sing...that's cute lol. I meant "entertainment"
Me: LOL. I don't provide such services
AK: You will if you're invited to my party, like it or not.
Me: So Yahtzee, huh?
AK: lol Awww, it's cute how being objectified and treated like nothing more than the manwhore you are makes you uncomfortable
Me: LOL Yahtzee.

Always a pleasure, AK. Even when the only reason we speak is so you can rib me for your pleasure.

Tell Me Lies, Tell Me Sweet Little Lies

When you lose trust in any relationship, everything becomes shady as fuck. But sometimes it's not just the loss of trust that plays into suspicions. For example, someone I used to know would make a big to do about how life would be over for them if we ever ended. In fact, just last week when I was on my way out the door I got an over-dramatic speech about how she's 37 and "no one wants a 37-year-old" and how if she can't have me, she'd rather be alone. I'm sure the intent behind it was trying to illustrate how much she cared but it came off as, "Well, you're my last shot because I'm old". It was pathetic, but I didn't say that to her. It was right in line with many things that didn't quite make sense during our last go round, and this one. There were a lot of, "I was supposed to go out, but I can't get off the floor" comments made when we seemed at an end, drama was always her biggest export. But if we got ourselves on the road to reconciliation within the evening, our steady back and forth convo would drop off on her end and then I'd get, "Oh, I decided to come out". I always found that to be sketchy, but rarely mentioned that to her. That is some remarkably quick bounce back time, less than an hour between being inconsolable and being out on the town. I strongly suspected she'd been getting ready throughout our convo and was going out either way and never understood why she didn't just say it. She never had a problem going out while I was in distress and did so often.
The other thing I found very curious was how she was always too "busy" to answer any of my messages, until shit hit a fever pitch. I don't care if someone answers a text right away or not if I know they'll get back to me within the day. But with her, I had to fucking stay on her for a single reply, like a parent constantly nagging their kid to do homework. Every question was treated like a damn SAT exam where she had to consider it for four hours before, maybe, responding. And it's almost like she read everything but only chose to respond when shit got fatal, like me being on the verge of walking away. If I sent a message that was fatalistic or at the end of my rope, or something final like telling her to have a great day/week, she suddenly freed right up to respond within seconds. If she wasn't monitoring my messages, then that is some mighty convenient timing...every single time. I mentioned this to her a few times and she quickly changed the subject and I didn't care enough to try and decipher what that meant. But I never bought that she'd been magically freed up; just out of a meeting, just off a plane, just out of a social engagement, when my fatalistic messages arrived.
Another story I heard recently is equally remarkable. This person and I were to spend some time together before we both depart on work trips. Her trip was supposed to be a couple of weeks. As it always did during our relationship, ish hit the fan and we got in a fight that led to our plans being unofficially called off two days before she was to leave. Mind you, this was all her doing. I approached her to talk about how I wasn't thrilled with how things were between us and she escalated it to a ridiculous place and then essentially let me go. But she never fully lets me go. She says stupid shit out of anger in the heat of the moment, mistakenly believing she can take it back when she comes down. That used to be the case, but I no longer operate that way so I took her, "we're through" comment at face value. Still, she continued to contact me. During a convo the day before her departure, around 24 hours since the plans fell through, she says that her trip is now almost two months long because she decided to sublet her apartment. She's going overseas for work, which she's done at least half a dozen times this year, and yet she has to sublet because she can't afford her own rent. You need a new line of work, yo. I was also amazed at this chick's luck. She already has the quickest emotional bounce back time ever and now on top of that, she was able to find a subletter and a place to stay for an entire month all in less than a day. Somehow I just didn't buy it. First, I'd been told many times that she was no not interested in work trips that were longer than a few weeks, and yet here she was signing up for nearly two months out of the country. Second, unless she was already clocking for a subletter and considering an extended trip, there's close to a zero chance that she could conjure those things up in less than 24 hours (partly because her rent is mofo high). And if she was doing considering such things, obviously she expected us to fail in the first place. And that's fucked up. It didn't add up to me, but getting an answer to any question I asked her was always like pulling fucking teeth so I didn't even ask for clarification. Once I heard she was planning the exact type of long ass trip she swore she was done with, I was officially out.
This person always liked to blame me for any and everything wrong between us. Anytime I expressed my feelings, no matter what they were, I was accused of attempting to start a fight. And she also liked to say she didn't trust me, which always produced a chuckle on my end because I never trusted her as far as I could throw her (and trusted even less after her magical trip extension). And frankly, I did not care about earning her trust back. In my view, she'd been the one to fuck things up in the first place and her attempts to woo me back were not all that impressive. I was a place of last resort, nothing more. Thankfully, I didn't fully reinvest in her emotionally so it won't feel like it did the first time when I couldn't get her off my mind for two weeks after she left. What I always missed was when things were good and I felt like she wanted me and maybe even loved me. I never missed the needless fighting and her desire to over-dramatize shit for effect, and that's mostly what I got this round. Apathy and arguing and, "Oh yeah, I got your message but just didn't feel like responding". And I am not here for that. So yes, I will feel some sense of loss. But it won't be the worst loss I've ever experienced. At the end of it all, I'm annoyed I got sucked in again. Her attempt to win me back wasn't, "I'm so sorry, forgive me, can we please try again". It was, "Hey, I'm back in town". And I took the bait, which is so beneath me at this point. The way she bailed, I should've told her to fuck off the minute she texted me. Lesson learned.