When you lose trust in any relationship, everything becomes shady as fuck. But sometimes it's not just the loss of trust that plays into suspicions. For example, someone I used to know would make a big to do about how life would be over for them if we ever ended. In fact, just last week when I was on my way out the door I got an over-dramatic speech about how she's 37 and "no one wants a 37-year-old" and how if she can't have me, she'd rather be alone. I'm sure the intent behind it was trying to illustrate how much she cared but it came off as, "Well, you're my last shot because I'm old". It was pathetic, but I didn't say that to her. It was right in line with many things that didn't quite make sense during our last go round, and this one. There were a lot of, "I was supposed to go out, but I can't get off the floor" comments made when we seemed at an end, drama was always her biggest export. But if we got ourselves on the road to reconciliation within the evening, our steady back and forth convo would drop off on her end and then I'd get, "Oh, I decided to come out". I always found that to be sketchy, but rarely mentioned that to her. That is some remarkably quick bounce back time, less than an hour between being inconsolable and being out on the town. I strongly suspected she'd been getting ready throughout our convo and was going out either way and never understood why she didn't just say it. She never had a problem going out while I was in distress and did so often.
The other thing I found very curious was how she was always too "busy" to answer any of my messages, until shit hit a fever pitch. I don't care if someone answers a text right away or not if I know they'll get back to me within the day. But with her, I had to fucking stay on her for a single reply, like a parent constantly nagging their kid to do homework. Every question was treated like a damn SAT exam where she had to consider it for four hours before, maybe, responding. And it's almost like she read everything but only chose to respond when shit got fatal, like me being on the verge of walking away. If I sent a message that was fatalistic or at the end of my rope, or something final like telling her to have a great day/week, she suddenly freed right up to respond within seconds. If she wasn't monitoring my messages, then that is some mighty convenient timing...every single time. I mentioned this to her a few times and she quickly changed the subject and I didn't care enough to try and decipher what that meant. But I never bought that she'd been magically freed up; just out of a meeting, just off a plane, just out of a social engagement, when my fatalistic messages arrived.
Another story I heard recently is equally remarkable. This person and I were to spend some time together before we both depart on work trips. Her trip was supposed to be a couple of weeks. As it always did during our relationship, ish hit the fan and we got in a fight that led to our plans being unofficially called off two days before she was to leave. Mind you, this was all her doing. I approached her to talk about how I wasn't thrilled with how things were between us and she escalated it to a ridiculous place and then essentially let me go. But she never fully lets me go. She says stupid shit out of anger in the heat of the moment, mistakenly believing she can take it back when she comes down. That used to be the case, but I no longer operate that way so I took her, "we're through" comment at face value. Still, she continued to contact me. During a convo the day before her departure, around 24 hours since the plans fell through, she says that her trip is now almost two months long because she decided to sublet her apartment. She's going overseas for work, which she's done at least half a dozen times this year, and yet she has to sublet because she can't afford her own rent. You need a new line of work, yo. I was also amazed at this chick's luck. She already has the quickest emotional bounce back time ever and now on top of that, she was able to find a subletter and a place to stay for an entire month all in less than a day. Somehow I just didn't buy it. First, I'd been told many times that she was no not interested in work trips that were longer than a few weeks, and yet here she was signing up for nearly two months out of the country. Second, unless she was already clocking for a subletter and considering an extended trip, there's close to a zero chance that she could conjure those things up in less than 24 hours (partly because her rent is mofo high). And if she was doing considering such things, obviously she expected us to fail in the first place. And that's fucked up. It didn't add up to me, but getting an answer to any question I asked her was always like pulling fucking teeth so I didn't even ask for clarification. Once I heard she was planning the exact type of long ass trip she swore she was done with, I was officially out.
This person always liked to blame me for any and everything wrong between us. Anytime I expressed my feelings, no matter what they were, I was accused of attempting to start a fight. And she also liked to say she didn't trust me, which always produced a chuckle on my end because I never trusted her as far as I could throw her (and trusted even less after her magical trip extension). And frankly, I did not care about earning her trust back. In my view, she'd been the one to fuck things up in the first place and her attempts to woo me back were not all that impressive. I was a place of last resort, nothing more. Thankfully, I didn't fully reinvest in her emotionally so it won't feel like it did the first time when I couldn't get her off my mind for two weeks after she left. What I always missed was when things were good and I felt like she wanted me and maybe even loved me. I never missed the needless fighting and her desire to over-dramatize shit for effect, and that's mostly what I got this round. Apathy and arguing and, "Oh yeah, I got your message but just didn't feel like responding". And I am not here for that. So yes, I will feel some sense of loss. But it won't be the worst loss I've ever experienced. At the end of it all, I'm annoyed I got sucked in again. Her attempt to win me back wasn't, "I'm so sorry, forgive me, can we please try again". It was, "Hey, I'm back in town". And I took the bait, which is so beneath me at this point. The way she bailed, I should've told her to fuck off the minute she texted me. Lesson learned.
The other thing I found very curious was how she was always too "busy" to answer any of my messages, until shit hit a fever pitch. I don't care if someone answers a text right away or not if I know they'll get back to me within the day. But with her, I had to fucking stay on her for a single reply, like a parent constantly nagging their kid to do homework. Every question was treated like a damn SAT exam where she had to consider it for four hours before, maybe, responding. And it's almost like she read everything but only chose to respond when shit got fatal, like me being on the verge of walking away. If I sent a message that was fatalistic or at the end of my rope, or something final like telling her to have a great day/week, she suddenly freed right up to respond within seconds. If she wasn't monitoring my messages, then that is some mighty convenient timing...every single time. I mentioned this to her a few times and she quickly changed the subject and I didn't care enough to try and decipher what that meant. But I never bought that she'd been magically freed up; just out of a meeting, just off a plane, just out of a social engagement, when my fatalistic messages arrived.
Another story I heard recently is equally remarkable. This person and I were to spend some time together before we both depart on work trips. Her trip was supposed to be a couple of weeks. As it always did during our relationship, ish hit the fan and we got in a fight that led to our plans being unofficially called off two days before she was to leave. Mind you, this was all her doing. I approached her to talk about how I wasn't thrilled with how things were between us and she escalated it to a ridiculous place and then essentially let me go. But she never fully lets me go. She says stupid shit out of anger in the heat of the moment, mistakenly believing she can take it back when she comes down. That used to be the case, but I no longer operate that way so I took her, "we're through" comment at face value. Still, she continued to contact me. During a convo the day before her departure, around 24 hours since the plans fell through, she says that her trip is now almost two months long because she decided to sublet her apartment. She's going overseas for work, which she's done at least half a dozen times this year, and yet she has to sublet because she can't afford her own rent. You need a new line of work, yo. I was also amazed at this chick's luck. She already has the quickest emotional bounce back time ever and now on top of that, she was able to find a subletter and a place to stay for an entire month all in less than a day. Somehow I just didn't buy it. First, I'd been told many times that she was no not interested in work trips that were longer than a few weeks, and yet here she was signing up for nearly two months out of the country. Second, unless she was already clocking for a subletter and considering an extended trip, there's close to a zero chance that she could conjure those things up in less than 24 hours (partly because her rent is mofo high). And if she was doing considering such things, obviously she expected us to fail in the first place. And that's fucked up. It didn't add up to me, but getting an answer to any question I asked her was always like pulling fucking teeth so I didn't even ask for clarification. Once I heard she was planning the exact type of long ass trip she swore she was done with, I was officially out.
This person always liked to blame me for any and everything wrong between us. Anytime I expressed my feelings, no matter what they were, I was accused of attempting to start a fight. And she also liked to say she didn't trust me, which always produced a chuckle on my end because I never trusted her as far as I could throw her (and trusted even less after her magical trip extension). And frankly, I did not care about earning her trust back. In my view, she'd been the one to fuck things up in the first place and her attempts to woo me back were not all that impressive. I was a place of last resort, nothing more. Thankfully, I didn't fully reinvest in her emotionally so it won't feel like it did the first time when I couldn't get her off my mind for two weeks after she left. What I always missed was when things were good and I felt like she wanted me and maybe even loved me. I never missed the needless fighting and her desire to over-dramatize shit for effect, and that's mostly what I got this round. Apathy and arguing and, "Oh yeah, I got your message but just didn't feel like responding". And I am not here for that. So yes, I will feel some sense of loss. But it won't be the worst loss I've ever experienced. At the end of it all, I'm annoyed I got sucked in again. Her attempt to win me back wasn't, "I'm so sorry, forgive me, can we please try again". It was, "Hey, I'm back in town". And I took the bait, which is so beneath me at this point. The way she bailed, I should've told her to fuck off the minute she texted me. Lesson learned.
