"Do You Want Me To Fly Out There And Beat You?"

I'm going home this week to spend some time with my family before things get crazy again. Yesterday, I was on the phone with my mom and I decided to put her on speaker because no one was home and I had some other stuff to do. About halfway through the call, my teenager walked into the house and heard me talking to someone and asked who it was. We'd had it out earlier in the day over I don't even remember what and she was set on payback. So, as soon as she heard it was my mom, she screams out, "He's getting a new tattoo next week!" And I knew what was coming.
My mom does not care for any of my tattoos, despite the fact that she can't even really see any of them most of the time. Not a single one of them are just for the sake of it or because I thought they were nifty at the time. They all mean a great deal to me, but mom would rather I not have anything pierced or otherwise permanently marked. I got a new tattoo last year and never told her. In fact, I think she only knows about maybe half the ones I have. She had a cow last night when she heard I was getting yet another one. I don't have any immediate plans to get anything but earlier in the day I had been talking about maybe getting something later this year. The teenager used it as ammo against me and it worked because mom threatened to fly up here right now and beat me. As you can imagine, I am now so excited to get on a plane in two hours and fly out to receive my beating. I love my family.

Confessions

This week is my best friend since birth's birthday. We've been through an awful lot together and she knows just about everything, good or bad, that I've ever done in my life. Over the last few months or so, we've kinda fallen out of our routine of constantly knowing what's going on with each other, despite the fact that we live in the same household. I don't know why, I guess we've just both been busy with other things. Recently, I've been going through some things and I've been keeping them mostly to myself because I'm trying to sort it all out in my own head. She's also taken to dealing with things on her own. So last night we were the only ones home in what is usually a very busy house and we sat outside and just kinda started to talk, like we always used to. It was really, really nice to get some things off of my chest and to get her point of view again. And it was nice to hear that things are finally coming together to her because she deserves every good thing that comes her way. I can't tell you how many pictures our families have of us sitting in the backyard at our childhood homes, just chatting away in our little world. My family has always lived for summer parties and I remember us getting to stay up way late on those nights when we were kids. I felt like that again last night. It kinda reminded me of those movies where one person confesses some kind of affair to the other and then they mutually agree to divorce. lol Except we're never gonna divorce and neither of us had an affair. But it kinda felt like an affair when I was keeping some of the things I'm going through to myself. I don't even know why I didn't just say something. She's the one person on earth who could never, ever think less of me. I think it's easy to take your relationships for granted. I used to do it all the time when I was younger but since the accident I've always tried to be in every moment, no matter what I'm doing. I always tell the people I love that I love them and I try to keep up on what's going on with everyone. Thankfully, all of my friends have become the same way. I don't think I understood until maybe a few years ago just how lucky I am to have the people I have in my life. They're all amazing people. Most of my close friends are people I've known since high school or way earlier and that's rare to still be in friendships with people through all of that time. The one thing I know I don't always do is let all or even most of them know certain things that I'm going through, just because I feel like I'm gonna get a lecture for something that's percieved as not being right. This happens to be one of those times. Sometimes I feel like it would be better to just herd 'em all into a room and say, "Look, I did this really stupid thing and it started a chain of events to another stupid thing and who knows what's gonna happen, but I don't need to be told how stupid it was, okay?" As a result of this stupid thing, I was advised to write a letter to someone who used to be very important to me and pretty much confess everything that's been going through my mind lately. I did write the letter and it was...somewhat therapeutic but it did not solve one damn thing in the big picture. In fact, I got a reply to that letter and I opened it and I really shouldn't have. I should have known better than to leave some things open in my letter. The reply wasn't earth-shattering or unexpected, but a few points made in it have really weighed on my mind. It's opened up this whole new world of possibilities that I know I shouldn't care about and I know I shouldn't even be considering and yet I am. I can't help it. I can't help how I feel about this person and I can't run from the fact that we're connected, whether I want to be or not. I don't know what to do and I don't know what I want. I know what I shouldn't want and what's percieved to be wrong but...*sigh* I hate the whole complicated situation. What do you do when you want to be with someone and help through a hard time, that you once went through yourself, and yet you know you shouldn't because it could open up a whole new can of worms?

Ain't No Shame In Starting Over

I had minor surgery on my leg last week and have had good and bad says since. My friends have taken turns "babysitting" me over the past few days and this weekend one of my guy friends essentially forced me to go out with him to a club. I used to go to clubs all the time when I was in my early 20's, whether or not I was in a relationship. Now that sort of thing just does not appeal to me anymore. I'll usually only go if it's for someone's birthday or for a work-related function. None of my friends really go to clubs anymore either, but this particular night my friend was like determined to get me to this place and I didn't know why. And then, sitting there with my leg bandaged up and listening to a song that was not mixing well with my medications, I saw a familiar face across the room. Someone I never in my life thought I'd lay eyes on again. And I finally knew why it was such a big deal that I be at this particular place. I met this girl in college in one of my classes and we really hit it off. At the time, we were both in serious relationships with other people so nothing came of our connection. We were really good friends and helped each other out with the class and so on. It was the only class we ever had together in four years. After it ended, we kinda half kept in touch but were cautious because we were happy with the people we were with and we didn't wanna complicate those relationships. Two years later we both graduated and saw each other that day and wished each other well and moved on with our lives. I doubt either of us thought about each other much after that. I didn't even know she was in the same industry as me. Small world, huh?
Obviously I'm still figuring my stuff out but my friends say I need to cut my losses and end my relationship and move on. Still...the guilt weighs HEAVY when I think about breaking up our little family. But if it's not a happy family...same crap, different day. I really need to make a decision here.

Animal Control

So a family of kittens has taken to living in the back of our building. I noticed them this morning and also noticed that only one of them is full grown, the other four are babies. I had a meeting so I went and then came home, hoping they would have moved on. I love animals. In fact, whenever I go to PetsMart to get food for my dog and that little prompt on the credit card thing asks if I want to donate a dollar to an animal shelter, I can never say no. Animals in distress is always too much for me to watch. I don't even watch animal planet because some of their shows feature injured animals and I just cannot handle that at all. Yeah, I'm a big baby, so what. Anyway, when I got home the cats were still there so I called animal control and gave them my info. About an hour later they showed up and saw that the cats were not contained and said they would only take them if the occupants of the building caught them. Well thanks a lot animal control. Trained individuals won't catch feral cats but regular old folk such as ourselves are surely qualified. So now we have to figure out how to catch these cats and take them to a no-kill shelter. I'm certainly not gonna catch 'em and then call useless animal control to take 'em. They're so cute but God knows just how wild they already are and my dog is not exactly into sharing the affection of his owners. Plus, I don't like cats. I love kittens but once they grow up, they can pretty much care less if you're even around anymore. So it's off to try and capture five wild cats without getting bitten or otherwise attacked....wish us luck...

Taking My Marbles And Going Home

(Credit for the headline to Ms. W.)

*sigh* It sucks to know when you have to call it quits. I don't what I feel anymore for the person I'm with. I know that avoidance of major issues is not healthy. But I know that I want to give this an actual shot. In the beginning, I think I just wanted to prove to myself that I could hold something together, you know? That I wasn't completely useless in a relationship. And I wanted our baby to have a 'family', whatever that means. But we (okay, me more than her) apparently just cannot keep the train on the track lately. Unfortunately, there's an even bigger problem lingering. I don't know that I truly am in love with her. I doubt it. I'll have plenty of time to think about it later this week, I'll be recovering from surgery on my leg and she's visiting family out of town. But sitting here right now, I can't say I feel one way or another. I've never understood people who marry someone they don't completely and totally adore. If I were to ever make that commitment, it would have to be with someone I'd never had a doubt about being with. Someone who refuses to let me second-guess us or sabotage us. And yet, even with all that, I still probably wouldn't bite the bullet and walk down the aisle. I'm not looking for perfection, that doesn't exist. But, as a friend pointed out to me, it's not healthy for any of us if I stay and I'm unhappy. I just think I would feel such guilt about ending it because of our daughter. We both love her and we do love each other so much but I don't think it's in that way. I'm not sure it ever was in that way. All of my rambling and figuring things out is pointless. I'll be back here next week wracking my brain over the same questions. And I won't be any closer to the answers. Maybe I already know what I want to do. I just can't pull the trigger. I know that tonight I'm just gonna go out and try to not think about how f**ked up things are once again.

30 Days

I'm a fan of a show called '30 Days' on the FX network. It was created by the guy who did 'Super Size Me', which I saw about a year after it came out and I haven't been to a McDonald's since. This show basically has people with opposing views walk a mile (or a month) in each other's shoes. Last season they had a Christian live with a Muslim family and a border patrolman live with a family of illegal immigrants, etc. This week's episode was an ex-NFL player living in a wheelchair for a month. He wasn't allowed to use his legs at all in that time, other than to stretch once a day to avoid permanent damage. He also attended a quadriplegic support group once a week and met people who actually have to live in a wheelchair for the rest of their lives. He was very surprised at how much everyone around him had to adjust to his handicap. His wife had to basically drive him everywhere for the first few days, until he got his car fitted for hand controls.
The whole experience really tested this guy in every way possible.
And as I was watching this show with some of my friends, it kinda took me back to when I was in a wheelchair. I didn't have a spinal injury, thank God. But during the first two months after I was released from the hospital, I was in and out of surgery and unsure if I'd ever walk again. I wasn't unsure, honestly. I'm too damn stubborn to believe I'll never get back on my feet. If there's a chance, no matter how small, and I was told my chance was VERY small, then I'm gonna do all I can to get there. During the two months I was in the wheelchair, everything pretty much sucked. I'm impatient, so you can imagine the agony of having to wait through a million operations and tests before I could even attempt to walk. Physical therapy was a freakin' nightmare because you have to re-learn how to do everything with your legs. I could have been confined to a wheelchair for the rest of my life. And I joke all the time now that I'd have one of those Hoveround things but a really souped up one. It would be the king of the power chairs. But I'm glad it didn't come to that. I remember how people used to look at me when I was in that wheelchair though. People don't look you in the eye when you're in a wheelchair. They look everywhere but in your eyes. If a friend or my sister were behind the chair to push it, people would greet them and just kind of avoid me altogether. Going into stores or sitting in restaurants, you could feel eyes staring at you all the time. You'd think people had never seen a handicapped person before. And I don't understand why people stare at anyone. I was taught that it's impolite, no matter what the circumstance, so no matter how weird or whatever someone looks, I don't stare at them. During my recovery, all I wanted to do was go out and be normal and try to forget my situation for awhile but instead I ended up at home a lot because I was tired of being looked at like some circus freak.
One of the kids in the show was 17 when he broke his neck and he lost a lot of friends because of it. They were too young to deal with it, so they just stopped calling. Even his best friend, who was the one who pulled him out of the water when he got hurt, exiled himself from the situation for two years. Nothing helps you sort your life out like a near-death experience. You find out who your friends are, you find friends you never knew you had, and you learn to appreciate life and to let the people you love know how you feel. I was always very open about my feelings, I grew up in an extremely loving family but I've noticed since the accident, everyone around me has adapted that same attitude. You never know when something's gonna happen and when it could be your last chance to see someone and tell them you love them. A near-death experience teaches you to do what you wanna do with your life because any day could be the last one. I think being 21 when I almost bit the dust was maybe a little bit of a disadvantage. Too young to handle anything that was going on, so I didn't. And that brought on a lot of what I had to drudge through over the next few years. I don't think I understood or appreciated, at the time, all of the things my girlfriend and my family did to adjust to my injury. It wasn't just the leg, the brain got knocked around quite a bit, and everyone had to deal with how I'd changed. I couldn't sleep in my own bed because it was upstairs so everything was moved to a downstairs guest room.
Overall, watching the show brought back a lot of memories, mostly bad memories, that I hadn't thought of in a long time. And it shed some light on things that happened that I'd never thought of before, so I learned something new about myself and about the situation and that's always good. I think it re-upped me on my appreciation of what I have now and how far I've come to get here.

Camping

Over the weekend I went camping with my friends. Thursday night was the teenagers graduation and by Friday afternoon I was in a car on my way to camp. This trip was never supposed to happen. My first camping experience was when I was 11 0r so. It was very last minute. One of my uncles was going up to the mountains with another couple and their daughters and he stopped by our house to borrow something, saw that I was one of only two kids at the house for the weekend (a rarity in our household, the rest were at an out of town wedding) and told me and my brother to pack up a bag each and come with him. There were four kids and all four of us stayed in this tiny camper, while the adults stayed in tents. We rode around on an ATV and fished and hiked and it didn't rock my world or anything. I went home on Sunday night and was exhausted but went on about my life. That same year, my school took their annual overnight mountain trip and we stayed in cabins and took the longest cold weather hike of my life. I've never been traditionally camping since. I went to Vail last year with my girlfriend and we stayed in a friend's cabin, but that's as close as I have come.
One of my best friends loves the mountains and always has. Since the day we met, she's been determined to get me to go camping with her. I always avoided it and then awhile back we were walking through Target and there was a nice little camping scene set up near the back of the store. This scene had the biggest tent I have ever seen, with like four "rooms" and a "moon roof" and set up alongside it was this portable shower thing and fire pit and so on. Believing that it would never happen, I jokingly told my shopping party that the only way I would go camping is if I had that entire set up. It's not that I dislike the outdoors, I love them. What I hate are bugs (and we're talking, like, passionate hate, here. I don't even kill spiders if their in my own house, I call on anyone else to do it..girly, I know). And camping in a tent on the ground just reminds me of bugs. If we were in a cabin or a trailer or anything else, I'd go in a second. But that was not what she wanted. So Thursday morning I wake up to find every single thing, down to the mosquito nets and repellent, from that Target display sitting in my living room. I was shocked. She said I had no excuse now and that we were going over the weekend, in part to celebrate one of our friends birthdays.
The drive was so much fun and the overall experience wasn't that bad. I'm not looking forward to doing it again anytime soon, but I have to admit I had fun. Today was a recovery day, mostly. Running errands and getting ready for the week ahead. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow because something went wrong with my knee yesterday out in the woods. I hope it's nothing serious, but I have a feeling it is. My leg isn't real stable anymore to begin with and now I go out and do God knows what to it. It was amazing being out there amongst the stars this weekend though. I mean, first off, I love s'mores and I haven't had one since I was about nine, so it was nice to bring that back. But I've always been big into space and astronomy too (my niece and I are hooked on 'The Universe' on the History Channel) and to just hang out there with no city sounds and no smog or bright lights. We all talked a lot and I got a chance to do a lot of thinking. I thought about the last seven years or so and how I got from point A to point B. And I got to thinking about how I'm in a really good place now. I'm happy and, on a good day, I'm in a stable relationship with a gorgeous little girl. And we're genuinely working on keeping it that way. And I decided that I've gotta be done with certain things and certain people. Both for the sake of my sanity and my relationship.

Unconditional Love

I think that "I love you unconditionally" is thrown around an awful lot. I mean, sure it sounds nice and all but when it really comes down to it, when it comes down to everything that could happen in one's lifetime, would you really and truly be there for someone if you didn't have to? I mean, nobody wants to be there when it all goes to hell, obviously. But it seems like so many people are there for the good and then get iffy when the bad comes around. I've been fortunate, I know my family and my friends are there no matter what happens. Family is a given. That's the one thing you have when everything else is gone. But when you find someone who doesn't have to stick around, who could very well pick up and walk away when you're down and yet they don't leave your side for a minute when it gets heavy, that's a keeper.
I was almost seven years (on and off) into the best relationship of my life when she was killed and I was nearly killed. During one of our off times, I'd spent almost a year with someone else whom I really cared about. We broke-up on good terms and when she heard about everything that had happened, she was on the first plane to me. She sat in those waiting rooms and slept in my hospital room for the two weeks I spent unconscious. She's so damn stubborn and, from what I've been told, it was like pulling teeth to get her to leave my side for a second. She stayed on top of everything and was constantly talking to the doctors about what was going on. She never doubted for a second that I would wake up. She knew once I woke up that it wouldn't be easy. She knew there was still the possibility I would never walk again and that I might not even have two legs attached anymore. She'd fully wrapped her head around all of this and she didn't have to be there for me, but she was. She was the first face I saw when I woke up. She cleared her schedule and overhauled her life so she could be at every physical therapy session, every surgery, the first time I actually did start walking again. I took it for granted at the time. It could have been the kind of thing that re-ignited us and bonded us and we could have seen where it went. But we were young and with youth comes inexperience. We never really gave it a try as a true couple after that because I was in no place for that and she knew it. But that is one great example of unconditional love to me.
I was watching a show the other day on the History Channel (yes, I'm a history nerd, so what..) about the ancient Egyptians and the Pharaohs. There was one Pharaoh who was very much a charmer and could've had any woman he wanted, but he only had eyes for one and it was his childhood sweetheart. It was rare to be a one-woman man back then. He was so enamored with her that when he built his palace, he included a likeness of her in the design. That was also rare. He even adorned some of the walls with images of the two of them. Now that's love. And that's how I felt about my girlfriend right up until the end. Something never meant to be, I guess. But I haven't felt the raging emotions and unconditional love I felt for her in a very long time (aside from for my daughter). I hope it comes around again but you never know.

Propositioned

My ex-fiancee is pregnant. Wait, it gets better...the father is (most likely) the man she cheated on me with. He cheated on his wife with her, so I guess they were made for each other. It's bothered me quite a bit the last few days to hear such news because the one thing that was an issue for us when we were together was that she didn't want kids of her own. I've always wanted kids and, for a little while, I just threw that to the wayside because I wanted to be with her. Then, it was over and I found out just what had gone on while we were supposedly "together". I don't know why she did it, I've never gotten a reason and we're not exactly on speaking terms. I don't particularly care why she did it anymore, to be honest. I know I'm better off.
I used to believe in marriage and was awfully close when I was around 21 or so, but a near-death experience will change quite a bit. It altered my opinion on marriage somewhat, but at the time I still wanted to get married eventually. Then, I did get engaged and the proposal was epic...I mean, total dream proposal stuff here, and she said yes and off we went. I started thinking about what kind of wedding we'd have and she was not so into it after about a month and it was over not long after. That led me into a lot of soul searching. In fact, part of me thinks she did me a favor in not going through with the marriage because since I'd gotten into the accident, I had been running from a lot of things...a lot of changes. Once she left me, I finally hit bottom and it took a very long time to dig myself out and it hasn't been without sacrifice. As it stands right now, I don't want to get married at all. I want to spend my life with somebody but marriage is not a part of the picture. I know some of why I don't want to do it is just out of plain fear. But mostly it's just because I don't really believe a whole lot in people and their promises anymore. At least, not people I date. I haven't completely lost faith in all of humanity.
While I was discussing the whole situation with a friend of mine, we got to talking about how I will probably never propose to anyone again and will likely never get married and how a big part of that is because of her. You do crazy (or stupid) things when (you believe) you're in love with somebody and if it works out, they're great memories and things to tell the grandkids. But when it all goes to hell, it just leads you to reflect on what an idiot you were to even think to do it in the first place. I'd waited my entire life to propose to someone and I went all out and it was all for nothing. All I really need and want now is someone who doesn't wanna marry me. Someone who'll say, "I like you..might even spend the rest of my life with you, but I don't wanna walk ya down the aisle." (Odd side note: While playing Scrabble the other night, I was able to spell 'Vows' out of my letters on my first turn. On the very next turn, I could spell 'Aisle.' Creeped me out, too.)
Anyway, this friend asked me how I would respond if someone proposed to me. I was a bit taken aback by the question because no one's ever asked me that before. I've never thought of anyone asking me to marry them. I always thought that if she has to ask you, you took too damn long to ask and she's letting you know in a not so roundabout way. Whenever I think about a woman proposing to a man, I think about Phoebe proposing to Mike on 'Friends'. It's been on my mind the entire day as to what I would do if someone asked me because I honestly do not know how to answer that question. There's always the chance that someone will come along in the future and my mind will change about marriage. I doubt it, but it's possible. And if someone asks you to marry them and you say 'no', it makes for an awkward rest of the relationship. So I guess the answer may be that it depends on who's pitching the question...I'm sure I'm not done with this, but for now that's as far as I've analyzed.

Prom

I never went to my prom I will never live it down. I was supposed to take my best friend since birth, I'd promised her way back in grade school when we watched my cousin go off to her prom. Everything was all set and then about three weeks before the big day I got word that I'd have to go overseas for a potential career opportunity. Out of fear, I kept the news to myself and tried to figure out how and when to break it to her. When I finally go the balls to do so, two weeks before the prom, well...let's just say I was right to fear for my life. lol It wasn't pretty. I still have visible scars from that day. She ended up going with her best girl friend and they had a good time, but to this day she whips out that prom story to extort various things from me. I don't mind. It's one of the only promises I've ever broken in my life.
For the past month or so, I've been throwing back to my own high school days as my teenager prepares for the end of hers. This weekend was the prom, next weekend is graduation. So on Saturday night I had about 30 teenagers swarming the grounds of my home and hitting on my way-too-old-for-them friends. We'd made all of these deals concerning what could and couldn't go on during this party. And during the course of planning it, which she did mostly on her own, I probably had the least amount of input of anybody involved. My friends have gone from teasing me (referring to me as 'daddy' when I first took guardianship of her and asking if I told my dates about my 'child') to taking an active role in "parenting". So much so that when the teenager came into the house last week after having just purchased balloons and such for her party and showing one could be considered dirty shaped balloon to the committee, one of my friends replied, "What the hell is that?" She said it was the kinda balloon clowns use...you know, to make balloon animals. Then he asked, "Are you a clown? Do you know how to make balloon animals?" He then went on to tell her there would be no...I won't use the word he used, but basically that the balloons were a no go.
We'd decided quite awhile back that she was gonna have to have chaperones at this party. Not because I was worried about what she'd do but because I was worried about my house. This place is almost brand new and I'm not gonna watch a pack of wild hormones burn it to the ground. Anyway, I let her choose who she wanted to have there to watch over things. She chose me and three other friends, but of course, the rest of the crew was around. I knew her girl friends would be a part of the party and at least two of them have crushes on my that they don't hide. One of them is completely sure our love is gonna become existent as soon as she turns 18 next month. I expected to have to deal with the two of them and I did and it was equally entertaining and embarrassing. lol More that I was embarrassed for them, than for myself. One of them decided it would be a good start to our "relationship" if she grabbed my ass while asking me to dance. It was like a competition between the two of them all night. My girl friends didn't fare much better with the boys. This 18-year-old kid followed around my 27-year-old friend like a puppy dog all night....cuz, you know, that's what lands the older ladies, apparently. I felt so bad for her, she could not get away from that poor kid.
In the end, the whole thing was over at around 4 in the morning or so and the kids all went home and thought about how "awesome it's gonna be to be an adult in a week." That kinda made me laugh. None of them had a clue about what comes next. For most of them, it's college so they'll have at least a few more years to goof off before they really get slammed head first into the real world. But for now it's not about that. It's about having survived the first 18 years of the battle.