My ex-fiancee is pregnant. Wait, it gets better...the father is (most likely) the man she cheated on me with. He cheated on his wife with her, so I guess they were made for each other. It's bothered me quite a bit the last few days to hear such news because the one thing that was an issue for us when we were together was that she didn't want kids of her own. I've always wanted kids and, for a little while, I just threw that to the wayside because I wanted to be with her. Then, it was over and I found out just what had gone on while we were supposedly "together". I don't know why she did it, I've never gotten a reason and we're not exactly on speaking terms. I don't particularly care why she did it anymore, to be honest. I know I'm better off.
I used to believe in marriage and was awfully close when I was around 21 or so, but a near-death experience will change quite a bit. It altered my opinion on marriage somewhat, but at the time I still wanted to get married eventually. Then, I did get engaged and the proposal was epic...I mean, total dream proposal stuff here, and she said yes and off we went. I started thinking about what kind of wedding we'd have and she was not so into it after about a month and it was over not long after. That led me into a lot of soul searching. In fact, part of me thinks she did me a favor in not going through with the marriage because since I'd gotten into the accident, I had been running from a lot of things...a lot of changes. Once she left me, I finally hit bottom and it took a very long time to dig myself out and it hasn't been without sacrifice. As it stands right now, I don't want to get married at all. I want to spend my life with somebody but marriage is not a part of the picture. I know some of why I don't want to do it is just out of plain fear. But mostly it's just because I don't really believe a whole lot in people and their promises anymore. At least, not people I date. I haven't completely lost faith in all of humanity.
While I was discussing the whole situation with a friend of mine, we got to talking about how I will probably never propose to anyone again and will likely never get married and how a big part of that is because of her. You do crazy (or stupid) things when (you believe) you're in love with somebody and if it works out, they're great memories and things to tell the grandkids. But when it all goes to hell, it just leads you to reflect on what an idiot you were to even think to do it in the first place. I'd waited my entire life to propose to someone and I went all out and it was all for nothing. All I really need and want now is someone who doesn't wanna marry me. Someone who'll say, "I like you..might even spend the rest of my life with you, but I don't wanna walk ya down the aisle." (Odd side note: While playing Scrabble the other night, I was able to spell 'Vows' out of my letters on my first turn. On the very next turn, I could spell 'Aisle.' Creeped me out, too.)
Anyway, this friend asked me how I would respond if someone proposed to me. I was a bit taken aback by the question because no one's ever asked me that before. I've never thought of anyone asking me to marry them. I always thought that if she has to ask you, you took too damn long to ask and she's letting you know in a not so roundabout way. Whenever I think about a woman proposing to a man, I think about Phoebe proposing to Mike on 'Friends'. It's been on my mind the entire day as to what I would do if someone asked me because I honestly do not know how to answer that question. There's always the chance that someone will come along in the future and my mind will change about marriage. I doubt it, but it's possible. And if someone asks you to marry them and you say 'no', it makes for an awkward rest of the relationship. So I guess the answer may be that it depends on who's pitching the question...I'm sure I'm not done with this, but for now that's as far as I've analyzed.
