Confessions

This week is my best friend since birth's birthday. We've been through an awful lot together and she knows just about everything, good or bad, that I've ever done in my life. Over the last few months or so, we've kinda fallen out of our routine of constantly knowing what's going on with each other, despite the fact that we live in the same household. I don't know why, I guess we've just both been busy with other things. Recently, I've been going through some things and I've been keeping them mostly to myself because I'm trying to sort it all out in my own head. She's also taken to dealing with things on her own. So last night we were the only ones home in what is usually a very busy house and we sat outside and just kinda started to talk, like we always used to. It was really, really nice to get some things off of my chest and to get her point of view again. And it was nice to hear that things are finally coming together to her because she deserves every good thing that comes her way. I can't tell you how many pictures our families have of us sitting in the backyard at our childhood homes, just chatting away in our little world. My family has always lived for summer parties and I remember us getting to stay up way late on those nights when we were kids. I felt like that again last night. It kinda reminded me of those movies where one person confesses some kind of affair to the other and then they mutually agree to divorce. lol Except we're never gonna divorce and neither of us had an affair. But it kinda felt like an affair when I was keeping some of the things I'm going through to myself. I don't even know why I didn't just say something. She's the one person on earth who could never, ever think less of me. I think it's easy to take your relationships for granted. I used to do it all the time when I was younger but since the accident I've always tried to be in every moment, no matter what I'm doing. I always tell the people I love that I love them and I try to keep up on what's going on with everyone. Thankfully, all of my friends have become the same way. I don't think I understood until maybe a few years ago just how lucky I am to have the people I have in my life. They're all amazing people. Most of my close friends are people I've known since high school or way earlier and that's rare to still be in friendships with people through all of that time. The one thing I know I don't always do is let all or even most of them know certain things that I'm going through, just because I feel like I'm gonna get a lecture for something that's percieved as not being right. This happens to be one of those times. Sometimes I feel like it would be better to just herd 'em all into a room and say, "Look, I did this really stupid thing and it started a chain of events to another stupid thing and who knows what's gonna happen, but I don't need to be told how stupid it was, okay?" As a result of this stupid thing, I was advised to write a letter to someone who used to be very important to me and pretty much confess everything that's been going through my mind lately. I did write the letter and it was...somewhat therapeutic but it did not solve one damn thing in the big picture. In fact, I got a reply to that letter and I opened it and I really shouldn't have. I should have known better than to leave some things open in my letter. The reply wasn't earth-shattering or unexpected, but a few points made in it have really weighed on my mind. It's opened up this whole new world of possibilities that I know I shouldn't care about and I know I shouldn't even be considering and yet I am. I can't help it. I can't help how I feel about this person and I can't run from the fact that we're connected, whether I want to be or not. I don't know what to do and I don't know what I want. I know what I shouldn't want and what's percieved to be wrong but...*sigh* I hate the whole complicated situation. What do you do when you want to be with someone and help through a hard time, that you once went through yourself, and yet you know you shouldn't because it could open up a whole new can of worms?