(Credit for the headline to Ms. W.)
*sigh* It sucks to know when you have to call it quits. I don't what I feel anymore for the person I'm with. I know that avoidance of major issues is not healthy. But I know that I want to give this an actual shot. In the beginning, I think I just wanted to prove to myself that I could hold something together, you know? That I wasn't completely useless in a relationship. And I wanted our baby to have a 'family', whatever that means. But we (okay, me more than her) apparently just cannot keep the train on the track lately. Unfortunately, there's an even bigger problem lingering. I don't know that I truly am in love with her. I doubt it. I'll have plenty of time to think about it later this week, I'll be recovering from surgery on my leg and she's visiting family out of town. But sitting here right now, I can't say I feel one way or another. I've never understood people who marry someone they don't completely and totally adore. If I were to ever make that commitment, it would have to be with someone I'd never had a doubt about being with. Someone who refuses to let me second-guess us or sabotage us. And yet, even with all that, I still probably wouldn't bite the bullet and walk down the aisle. I'm not looking for perfection, that doesn't exist. But, as a friend pointed out to me, it's not healthy for any of us if I stay and I'm unhappy. I just think I would feel such guilt about ending it because of our daughter. We both love her and we do love each other so much but I don't think it's in that way. I'm not sure it ever was in that way. All of my rambling and figuring things out is pointless. I'll be back here next week wracking my brain over the same questions. And I won't be any closer to the answers. Maybe I already know what I want to do. I just can't pull the trigger. I know that tonight I'm just gonna go out and try to not think about how f**ked up things are once again.
