Don't ya just love double standards? My favorite is the one about single mothers and single father. You know, how single dads are almost universally attractive but single moms not so much. A woman can be gorgeous with few flaws but once a guy finds out she has kids, he finds her less attractive. On the flip side, a man can be okay looking with a handful of flaws and once a woman finds out he has a kid, it cranks his attractiveness up a notch.
Part of this, I know, is about how women and men are wired differently. Men want it all (in this way, we are like children ourselves); we want our mate to be hot. And sexually open. But also be enough of a good girl that we can take her home to mom. Not to mention, if she also were caring and nurturing enough to take care of our future children, that'd be great. And the list goes on. Yes, this is unrealistic but this is the 'ideal woman' for most guys I know. Then there's the territorial testosterone thing of wanting a woman to bear only your children and no one else's (in this way, we are like cavemen). So is this why some men are immediately turned off by a woman who has kids?
I confess I've only ever dated one woman who had a kid (which is not really a good example because she went all fatal attraction on me) but I found her more attractive because she was a good mother. It wasn't at all serious but I never freaked out about having to share her with her little dude (I can't stand clingy women anyway). I also never thought that she was just after someone to have more kids with. It was like any other relationship, except she had different priorities than the single, childless women I've dated. She was looking for different qualities in a guy because her outlook now included another little life.
I've always been a very open dater; race, religion, age, kids or no kids, it's never mattered to me. I know that a huge part of that is my having been raised in a single parent household that did not see color at all. My mom started dating when we were around 4 but we only ever met one of her 'friends' and that wasn't until they started to really get serious (they eventually became engaged). This is what I think is the appropriate way of handling new partners when you're a single parent. I've yet to do this because I'm just returning to the dating pool but I'm a little surprised at just how prevalent this whole double standard thing really is. I go out with my daughter and women don't see a wedding band...instant conversation. I go out all my lonesome and have a convo with someone and mention I'm a father, conversation turns towards that and I inevitably hear, 'How great that you know your child'. (This happened about two months ago and this topic has been on my brain since). I wasn't really sure what to say to that. It's a no-brainer for me that I'm in my child's life but I know not all men feel that way (especially in the situation in which fatherhood came to me) and that's a shame. It's like the standard of parenthood is lower for men. If you stick around at all, it's a big deal which is really unfortunate.
Another reason this is on my mind is because the mother of my daughter is becoming a very active dater of late. She had a semi-serious (or so she says, I don't think it was as serious as she wanted me to believe) relationship with a guy who seemed nice but had a bit of a short fuse. Once he met our daughter he developed this weird kind of jealousy about my relationship with my daughter, almost as if he wanted me out of the picture so the three of them could be one happy little family. That ended awhile ago and now she's seeing a new guy. I didn't know about the newbie until a few weeks ago and he has since met (and scared) our daughter, which is disturbing to me. I'd like to say I don't care who she dates but that's a lie because whoever she decides to be with is also going to be a part of our daughter's life and my life. I'm not exactly encouraged that she's going to choose someone who is...I guess the word is suitable to be a part of our daughter's life. Before we dated she went out with a lot of bad/selfish guys and she seems to be falling back into that pattern. We have such a great relationship but this issue is becoming bigger by the day because I don't think she understands why I have a problem with it. It's like it hasn't sunk in for her yet that our daughter and her and I are permanently connected and anything any of us does is gonna affect the other two. *sigh* Yeah...co-parenting is fun.
