What exactly is a soul mate? For some reason that's been the question on my mind of late. And I wish I knew why cuz it's kinda annoying to be thinking about it so much. I have had that connection with someone before, on more than one occasion. The popular belief is that you only get one soul mate and that it's a lover and, if you're lucky, you live happily ever after together. And I used to be one of the staunchest supporters of this one shot theory but no more. Probably cuz my one shot didn't get a chance to get to that 'happily ever after' part of the story so I had to re-examine what I believed. I don't believe that all soul mates take shape in the form of a lover, I don't think they even have to be of the opposite sex. It's hard to explain what the soul mate connection is like, which is part of what makes it such an awesome thing. If you've experienced it, then you know.
So having said all of that I realize I still have yet to answer my original question. But now that I think about it I don't think there really is a set definition of a soul mate. Everyone has their own definition. In my opinion, connections like that don't really even need to be defined if both people know there's something there. Hell, those connections could even be traced back to past lives cuz it kinda does feel like you've known that person, in some form or another, in lifetimes before. For some people (especially dudes), it's a bad thing to say something about such a connection cuz they get freaked out and think you wanna settle 'em down right away. But I don't think there's anything wrong with actually saying it out loud. It's kinda awesome to feel connected to anyone in that way. Why hide it, right? And maybe that's all I needed was to get down my definition on paper so I could better understand it myself. I'm sure I'll expand on this at some point in the future cuz I don't feel done with it, but that's all I got for now.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
2011: A Computer Odyssey
So I've been M.I.A. for awhile and the reason is because I've been having computer issues. You never know how much you depend on electronics until they're taken away from you. Granted, my recent issues were a nightmare of my own making but still, being "off the grid" is tough stuff. So let me recount the highlights (or lowlights as it were) of my computer odyssey. I have always been a good computer owner. The problem is that I'm also impatient so last week rather than set my laptop down on a stable surface and get up to go get something I needed, I set it down on the couch. And you know what? Couches are not stable surfaces. At all. And you know what else? I wasn't two steps away from that couch before my laptop slipped off of it and hit the ground, landing on the carpeted floor below but still breaking the piece where the charger attaches. I hoped it was something that could be fixed for not a lotta dough (think around $100) and got a few opinions that did me no good before I decided to take it to a big box store and see if their tech people could give me better news. These nerds didn't even look at the damage, they just said, "Oh yeah...that can't be fixed for less than like $700.". SEVEN-HUNDRED-BUCKS.
So now that I knew my old computer (which wasn't that old, only about 4 years and it still worked very well, the only downside of it was that the battery didn't hold much of a charge anymore) was officially not gonna be revived, I turned my attention to shopping for a new one. I decided to wait until Sunday to see if anything good went on sale and so I could do my research on what kind of machine I wanted. Armed with the knowledge that I knew exactly what I wanted, I made my way to another big box store to purchase it. And did I ever get lucky cuz even though it was like 10:30 in the AM, they only had two of my selected laptops left and only one of those was in an undamaged box (and I was a little weirded out by how unconcerned the sales dudes were about the damaged boxes, as if it was no big thing even though laptops do not come like expertly packaged these days). I did some final playing around with the machine, grabbed the last good box and waited for a salesperson to become available.
Trust when I say the epic back and forth that followed is worthy of its own paragraph. I knew that all I wanted/needed was what came in the laptop box itself. But, probably cuz it's a bad economy and it's part of his job, the sales guy was not content to let me outta the store with just that. Nooooo, he couldn't do that at all. Immediately he whips out this packet that has all these price plans (ranging from $200 to $350) for coverage of my new purchase. It covers this, it covers that...and that's all well and good but I had one of those plans on my last laptop (which was purchased elsewhere) and never needed it so I declined. Then dude asks if I have a printer and I say yes so he asks if it's a good one. It prints when I want it to so yeah, that's about all I need. Then he moves on to whether or not I have wi-fi and/or a "portable network" (think those Verizon or AT&T wireless cards they show on tv all the time) and I told him I was good on that front too. What kind of router do I have? Hell if I know, it's like five years old but it's never given me trouble. He tells me I should also buy a new one of those like right now and I tell him no thanks. How about anti-virus software, he says. I have that covered, thanks. Am I sure it's good software, cuz apparently the only thing that won't get my identity stolen by Monday morning is the most expensive software they sell. Seriously dude, all good on that front but thanks for the concern. Then he asks if I'm gonna be hooking it up to an external monitor cuz if I am then he can sell me that other monitor at a discount. Another swing and a miss for him since I wouldn't know how to hook that up even if I wanted to. Finally, I see light at the end of the tunnel when he starts pushing this set-up plan for my new computer; they can power it on for the first time, set up my data and virus software (he really wanted to sell me that software) for one low price. Not interested, I know how to hit the 'power' button and type in my name all by myself. And after all of that, he finally ran out of products to try and sell me (or so I thought) and led me to the checkout counter.
But it did not end there at the checkout. He still kept going on and on about how he really thought I should buy some protection and how dire the situation would be if I didn't and something were to happen. Over and over again he told me this. I mean, if I'd been in a dimly lit alley at night I woulda thought dude was making veiled threats about breaking my machine himself just so he could show me how badly I needed this coverage. I declined again (and again) and so he went back to talking about the importance of a quality router and wireless network. He talked to me like I was some 80-year-old man buying his first electronic typing gadget and the way he talked down to me really didn't help his case. I think he intentionally rang stuff up at an agonizingly slow rate so that he could try and sell me something, ANYTHING, else in the store. He mentioned on more than one occasion that he didn't get commission so it wasn't about that but the way he forced those products makes me wonder. Mercifully, it was about that hour where church lets out and all the holy folks hit the stores for their Sunday afternoon shopping so business picked up and he finally let me go.
So what did I learn throughout the past four days? Well, for one I learned that I need to be an even better laptop parent than I was before. I could still shoot myself for breaking my old one the way I did, it was 100% preventable, but I'm starting to move past that. I learned that it woulda done me a world of good to take an interest in tech stuff so I wouldn't have to rely on geeks to try and fix my stuff. I learned that even though my old machine was awesome and still worked great, I have seriously been left behind by computer technology. Every time I touch something on this new one there's a beep or some other kinda sound that makes me worry I did something wrong to upset it. Not to mention the keys are also lit up like a Christmas tree and that's taking some getting used to. What I have yet to learn is how difficult it is to switch over the stuff on my old computer (primarily my music) to this new one. I don't look forward to that but I'm gonna give it that good old college try and see how it goes. But I can tell you this much, I am so, SO happy to have a computer again and I'm not gonna take it for granted this time.
So now that I knew my old computer (which wasn't that old, only about 4 years and it still worked very well, the only downside of it was that the battery didn't hold much of a charge anymore) was officially not gonna be revived, I turned my attention to shopping for a new one. I decided to wait until Sunday to see if anything good went on sale and so I could do my research on what kind of machine I wanted. Armed with the knowledge that I knew exactly what I wanted, I made my way to another big box store to purchase it. And did I ever get lucky cuz even though it was like 10:30 in the AM, they only had two of my selected laptops left and only one of those was in an undamaged box (and I was a little weirded out by how unconcerned the sales dudes were about the damaged boxes, as if it was no big thing even though laptops do not come like expertly packaged these days). I did some final playing around with the machine, grabbed the last good box and waited for a salesperson to become available.
Trust when I say the epic back and forth that followed is worthy of its own paragraph. I knew that all I wanted/needed was what came in the laptop box itself. But, probably cuz it's a bad economy and it's part of his job, the sales guy was not content to let me outta the store with just that. Nooooo, he couldn't do that at all. Immediately he whips out this packet that has all these price plans (ranging from $200 to $350) for coverage of my new purchase. It covers this, it covers that...and that's all well and good but I had one of those plans on my last laptop (which was purchased elsewhere) and never needed it so I declined. Then dude asks if I have a printer and I say yes so he asks if it's a good one. It prints when I want it to so yeah, that's about all I need. Then he moves on to whether or not I have wi-fi and/or a "portable network" (think those Verizon or AT&T wireless cards they show on tv all the time) and I told him I was good on that front too. What kind of router do I have? Hell if I know, it's like five years old but it's never given me trouble. He tells me I should also buy a new one of those like right now and I tell him no thanks. How about anti-virus software, he says. I have that covered, thanks. Am I sure it's good software, cuz apparently the only thing that won't get my identity stolen by Monday morning is the most expensive software they sell. Seriously dude, all good on that front but thanks for the concern. Then he asks if I'm gonna be hooking it up to an external monitor cuz if I am then he can sell me that other monitor at a discount. Another swing and a miss for him since I wouldn't know how to hook that up even if I wanted to. Finally, I see light at the end of the tunnel when he starts pushing this set-up plan for my new computer; they can power it on for the first time, set up my data and virus software (he really wanted to sell me that software) for one low price. Not interested, I know how to hit the 'power' button and type in my name all by myself. And after all of that, he finally ran out of products to try and sell me (or so I thought) and led me to the checkout counter.
But it did not end there at the checkout. He still kept going on and on about how he really thought I should buy some protection and how dire the situation would be if I didn't and something were to happen. Over and over again he told me this. I mean, if I'd been in a dimly lit alley at night I woulda thought dude was making veiled threats about breaking my machine himself just so he could show me how badly I needed this coverage. I declined again (and again) and so he went back to talking about the importance of a quality router and wireless network. He talked to me like I was some 80-year-old man buying his first electronic typing gadget and the way he talked down to me really didn't help his case. I think he intentionally rang stuff up at an agonizingly slow rate so that he could try and sell me something, ANYTHING, else in the store. He mentioned on more than one occasion that he didn't get commission so it wasn't about that but the way he forced those products makes me wonder. Mercifully, it was about that hour where church lets out and all the holy folks hit the stores for their Sunday afternoon shopping so business picked up and he finally let me go.
So what did I learn throughout the past four days? Well, for one I learned that I need to be an even better laptop parent than I was before. I could still shoot myself for breaking my old one the way I did, it was 100% preventable, but I'm starting to move past that. I learned that it woulda done me a world of good to take an interest in tech stuff so I wouldn't have to rely on geeks to try and fix my stuff. I learned that even though my old machine was awesome and still worked great, I have seriously been left behind by computer technology. Every time I touch something on this new one there's a beep or some other kinda sound that makes me worry I did something wrong to upset it. Not to mention the keys are also lit up like a Christmas tree and that's taking some getting used to. What I have yet to learn is how difficult it is to switch over the stuff on my old computer (primarily my music) to this new one. I don't look forward to that but I'm gonna give it that good old college try and see how it goes. But I can tell you this much, I am so, SO happy to have a computer again and I'm not gonna take it for granted this time.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
When I Fall In Love
I'm gonna start out this post by warning that I am nursing both a back injury and a cold at the moment so maybe I'm not thinking as clearly as I should be (don't worry, I'm on Advil and nothing more). But I had the weirdest, most vivid dream last night about love. It's nothing I can really explain in detail except that I woke up questioning the who, what, when, why and hows (I typed 'hoes' twice before getting the word I wanted there; that shows you my mental state) of love in general. Years ago if someone asked how many times I'd been in love my answer would've been something silly like three times. But, hindsight being 20/20, I don't think that's true.
Oddly I can pinpoint the exact second I fell for the two people I've been in love with. Maybe that's not odd, maybe other people can do the same thing. I think, very early on, I felt more than the generic feelings of dating with those two people. There was something more from the start. Both times I can honestly say I was completely swept off my feet and I loved that feeling. Neither of those people ever hurt me in any way, shape or form and I still have feelings for them but I wouldn't say they're unresolved or unrequited. Time simply moved on and moved us to different places in our lives. Such is the mystery of love and "forever" (which I don't believe in anymore but at one time was it's staunchest supporter). If it's real, shouldn't it last for the long haul? One would think. Can one fall out of love? I don't know that I would've agreed with that a few years ago but now I know it to be true. I've only ever fallen out of it once though and it was a b**ch because I couldn't figure out how it happened. It was just gone one day. I don't know if that's just how it is or if that's my restlessness roaring to the front of the line. How quickly can you fall in love? I also woulda said it takes a long time prior to my falling for someone on the first night. First sight love is a crock in my humble opinion because to love and embrace someone and fully fall in love for them, you have to know all their faults. I know it sounds like I'm in some kinda anguish over somebody but really I'm not. Just curious. As always.
Oddly I can pinpoint the exact second I fell for the two people I've been in love with. Maybe that's not odd, maybe other people can do the same thing. I think, very early on, I felt more than the generic feelings of dating with those two people. There was something more from the start. Both times I can honestly say I was completely swept off my feet and I loved that feeling. Neither of those people ever hurt me in any way, shape or form and I still have feelings for them but I wouldn't say they're unresolved or unrequited. Time simply moved on and moved us to different places in our lives. Such is the mystery of love and "forever" (which I don't believe in anymore but at one time was it's staunchest supporter). If it's real, shouldn't it last for the long haul? One would think. Can one fall out of love? I don't know that I would've agreed with that a few years ago but now I know it to be true. I've only ever fallen out of it once though and it was a b**ch because I couldn't figure out how it happened. It was just gone one day. I don't know if that's just how it is or if that's my restlessness roaring to the front of the line. How quickly can you fall in love? I also woulda said it takes a long time prior to my falling for someone on the first night. First sight love is a crock in my humble opinion because to love and embrace someone and fully fall in love for them, you have to know all their faults. I know it sounds like I'm in some kinda anguish over somebody but really I'm not. Just curious. As always.
Monday, February 14, 2011
The Things You'll Never Know
It's funny how the more removed you are from your youth, the less you seem to understand the inner workings of the mind of the teenager. I'm not even gonna pretend to know the motivation of the pre-teen (I guess they're actually called 'tweens' now). My first niece is now 11 and getting into all of the supposed drama that comes with being that age. It is a lot different to be that age now than it was when I was her age. When I was 11, I was raising hell (well one time I did anyway) in Catholic school, not too into girls and had been through sex-ed once. She's already into boys (much to my and her father's disdain), she loves music and hockey and she thinks she's mature enough to make all of her own decisions. No sign of any hellraising yet so we live in fear on that front (karma and such). I've decided this is the point at which humans would eat their young if we were more like animals. This is the age where they start to turn on you and are embarrassed by every little thing you do (she's even embarrassed by me sometimes and I'm her favorite). These are the last few years where she'll be sometimes sweet and nice before becoming an official teenager and getting all moody for the next seven years.
Teenagers...that word says it all but, to elaborate, a close friend of mine has a nephew who is 18 and graduated high school this year. He was a pretty good student and a wonderful football player who declared to his parents in 2009 that he wanted to wait a year before going to college. His dad said he'd think about it while his mom said, 'Hell no!' and he dropped the whole subject and no one gave it anymore thought. He announced two days after his prom that he was engaged to his girlfriend, who already has a two year old daughter (not his), and that they were going to be a family. His mom also vetoed the engagement but allowed them to continue to date. Now he's officially put off college for a year and is convinced that they're gonna get married next year and then he'll start school. Obviously the reason his mom is so against this is because marriage is hard, parenthood is harder and balancing all that while also trying to get a college education is extremely difficult. ('Boy Meets World' did an entire story arc about marriage while in college, it was not pretty). He, of course, thinks that he can handle it and that he knows all there is to know already (don't we all at that age) and is standing his ground about marrying this girl.
I wonder if it's like something in the brain or in how humans have evolved that makes us feel like we know all there is to know at certain ages. My 2-year-old thinks she knows better than me some days and is not afraid to show it and that makes sense since she's getting older and she has friends that she can now communicate with, (I tell ya, it's gonna break my heart when she inevitably turns on me someday). Maybe it's more about freedom since this type of rebellion seems to come at times when you're just itching to have more of that; middle school and high school. Even when you begin college you think you're an adult and you know best and, more often than not, you screw up in some way and realize that you're not as smart as you thought you were. And that builds character. Then you graduate college and think you know all you need to know to get out there in the big, bad world and make it on your own but you get your ass handed to you again as you go through your 20's. I think when you become a parent is when you finally resign yourself to the truth, which is that you don't know even almost all and that's okay because you don't need to. You just need to be good enough. But then, what fun is it if you don't get your ass kicked by reality in high school and college? It's a rite of passage.
Teenagers...that word says it all but, to elaborate, a close friend of mine has a nephew who is 18 and graduated high school this year. He was a pretty good student and a wonderful football player who declared to his parents in 2009 that he wanted to wait a year before going to college. His dad said he'd think about it while his mom said, 'Hell no!' and he dropped the whole subject and no one gave it anymore thought. He announced two days after his prom that he was engaged to his girlfriend, who already has a two year old daughter (not his), and that they were going to be a family. His mom also vetoed the engagement but allowed them to continue to date. Now he's officially put off college for a year and is convinced that they're gonna get married next year and then he'll start school. Obviously the reason his mom is so against this is because marriage is hard, parenthood is harder and balancing all that while also trying to get a college education is extremely difficult. ('Boy Meets World' did an entire story arc about marriage while in college, it was not pretty). He, of course, thinks that he can handle it and that he knows all there is to know already (don't we all at that age) and is standing his ground about marrying this girl.
I wonder if it's like something in the brain or in how humans have evolved that makes us feel like we know all there is to know at certain ages. My 2-year-old thinks she knows better than me some days and is not afraid to show it and that makes sense since she's getting older and she has friends that she can now communicate with, (I tell ya, it's gonna break my heart when she inevitably turns on me someday). Maybe it's more about freedom since this type of rebellion seems to come at times when you're just itching to have more of that; middle school and high school. Even when you begin college you think you're an adult and you know best and, more often than not, you screw up in some way and realize that you're not as smart as you thought you were. And that builds character. Then you graduate college and think you know all you need to know to get out there in the big, bad world and make it on your own but you get your ass handed to you again as you go through your 20's. I think when you become a parent is when you finally resign yourself to the truth, which is that you don't know even almost all and that's okay because you don't need to. You just need to be good enough. But then, what fun is it if you don't get your ass kicked by reality in high school and college? It's a rite of passage.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
A Short Drink From A Certain Fountain
Youth. What comes to mind when you read that word? For me, lately anyway, it's conjured up images of the weird ass stuff people will do to try and look young these days. I remember when Botox first came out and it was this miracle thing that was gonna take away everybody's wrinkles for good. But injecting poison into one's face is apparently not good enough anymore cuz there have since been a thousand other things that have popped up as the next big thing in looking younger. What I don't get is what the obsession is. Does getting older suck? Heck yes it does. But it's kinda part of the deal you made when you entered the world. Everything ends eventually, including your life. I can't see how anyone is helped by your dead self looking ten years younger than you actually were.
I don't know why all this youth-obsessed stuff bothers me so much. I don't really have a dog in this fight since my family has pretty darn good genetics (I swear some of them must be pod people, they've looked exactly the same for 20 years). But I think it's just impossible to not buy into it a little bit given the society we live in now. Everything is so focused on looks and everybody wants to look as young as possible. Back in my early 20's when I was dating mostly (okay, only) older women I can't remember ever having a conversation with any of them about how they looked for their age. I don't know if the youth thing just wasn't as a big a deal then or if I just didn't care but I know my interest in them would've likely gone down if they'd had any work done. I think the majority of the time people come out looking freaky, even from the smallest nips and tucks. But the youth-obsession doesn't seem to show any signs of slowing down, business is gonna keep booming so long as people are insecure about their looks.
I'm not saying you should just age and not do anything about it and then die. But I think a large part of this obsession is rooted in how people treated themselves when they were young. You drink too much, you smoke like a train, you don't wear sunscreen, you don't work out and then you're somehow shocked when you look ten years older than you are at age 40. So you look for some kinda fix and you're so desperate that you'll try any weird thing a doctor tells you might help. It's such a sick cycle. I got lucky in that my mom was very diligent about slapping sunscreen on us (which we hated at the time but are now all kindsa thankful for) and preaching to us about taking care of ourselves while we're young cuz the body is gonna turn on us eventually. I shudder to think what people will be doing in ten years time to try and look older, given some of the bizarre stuff I've already heard about.
I don't know why all this youth-obsessed stuff bothers me so much. I don't really have a dog in this fight since my family has pretty darn good genetics (I swear some of them must be pod people, they've looked exactly the same for 20 years). But I think it's just impossible to not buy into it a little bit given the society we live in now. Everything is so focused on looks and everybody wants to look as young as possible. Back in my early 20's when I was dating mostly (okay, only) older women I can't remember ever having a conversation with any of them about how they looked for their age. I don't know if the youth thing just wasn't as a big a deal then or if I just didn't care but I know my interest in them would've likely gone down if they'd had any work done. I think the majority of the time people come out looking freaky, even from the smallest nips and tucks. But the youth-obsession doesn't seem to show any signs of slowing down, business is gonna keep booming so long as people are insecure about their looks.
I'm not saying you should just age and not do anything about it and then die. But I think a large part of this obsession is rooted in how people treated themselves when they were young. You drink too much, you smoke like a train, you don't wear sunscreen, you don't work out and then you're somehow shocked when you look ten years older than you are at age 40. So you look for some kinda fix and you're so desperate that you'll try any weird thing a doctor tells you might help. It's such a sick cycle. I got lucky in that my mom was very diligent about slapping sunscreen on us (which we hated at the time but are now all kindsa thankful for) and preaching to us about taking care of ourselves while we're young cuz the body is gonna turn on us eventually. I shudder to think what people will be doing in ten years time to try and look older, given some of the bizarre stuff I've already heard about.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
But Wait! There's More!
Every human being is comprised of a unique combination of traits and attributes that make us who we are. Some of them have been there since birth, while we discover others as we get older. And then there's genetics, which I'm starting to think has something to do with my being borderline addicted to infomercials in a previous life. Don't believe that's a genetic trait? Consider this - my grandma used to buy up a ton of stuff from QVC when we were growing up, that channel basically being a collection of mini-infomercials. As children, when we couldn't sleep, my sister and I would watch infomercials late into the night and later tell mom all about them and how we needed whatever this latest product was. And now my 27-year-old cousin has taken to watching any and every infomercial that comes on the television, though he has yet to buy anything. It doesn't help that he's currently laid up with back issues and has little else to do but watch TV. But if he starts buying anything, we're gonna have to stage some sort of intervention (I'm only half-joking here).
Being a former infomercial junkie, I can't help but to notice how the infomercial industry has completely changed. They used to be on really late at night (or early morning, depending on how you look at it) in half hour blocks and now there are mini-infomercials slipped into the commercial breaks of almost everything on television. Amazingly, a few of the people in these ads are the same people from the ads I watched as a kid (and they look damn good for having been hawking products for twenty some years). One lady in particular, she gives off that grandma kinda vibe, had such a hold on me that she probably coulda sold me air for $9.99+tax during the height of my obsession. Then of course there's Billy Mays (is it me or is it kinda creepy he's still on TV?), probably the dude everyone thinks of when they hear 'infomercial'. Honestly I did like him though cuz he was genuinely passionate about what he was selling. Now that pesky 'Slap Chop' guy...he gets on my last damn nerve. Although I have to admit that I did like the early version of that ad where he said, "You're gonna love my nuts" cuz it was funny, (especially after the after that whole fight with a transsexual thing, which was...interesting). It may sound funny but I think infomercials were so much better back in the day. Now people sell the stupidest things, most of them having something to do with looking younger or making one or another body part look larger. I find absolutely no joy in watching infomercials anymore. Maybe that's why I'm upset (jokingly) about my cousin taking to infomercials now, as opposed to when we were kids - cuz he missed all the good stuff ;p
Being a former infomercial junkie, I can't help but to notice how the infomercial industry has completely changed. They used to be on really late at night (or early morning, depending on how you look at it) in half hour blocks and now there are mini-infomercials slipped into the commercial breaks of almost everything on television. Amazingly, a few of the people in these ads are the same people from the ads I watched as a kid (and they look damn good for having been hawking products for twenty some years). One lady in particular, she gives off that grandma kinda vibe, had such a hold on me that she probably coulda sold me air for $9.99+tax during the height of my obsession. Then of course there's Billy Mays (is it me or is it kinda creepy he's still on TV?), probably the dude everyone thinks of when they hear 'infomercial'. Honestly I did like him though cuz he was genuinely passionate about what he was selling. Now that pesky 'Slap Chop' guy...he gets on my last damn nerve. Although I have to admit that I did like the early version of that ad where he said, "You're gonna love my nuts" cuz it was funny, (especially after the after that whole fight with a transsexual thing, which was...interesting). It may sound funny but I think infomercials were so much better back in the day. Now people sell the stupidest things, most of them having something to do with looking younger or making one or another body part look larger. I find absolutely no joy in watching infomercials anymore. Maybe that's why I'm upset (jokingly) about my cousin taking to infomercials now, as opposed to when we were kids - cuz he missed all the good stuff ;p
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Close Your Eyes, Clear Your Heart...Cut The Cord.
You know what's funny? Maybe not so much funny as just kinda weird is how your views on your past relationships change as you get older. I find myself just a wee bit more reflective than I thought I'd be as I inch towards that number I dare not name. I tossed a turned a bit last night and then suddenly thought about how the current me has no idea what the me who wore a younger man's clothes was thinking when he got into certain relationships. At the time I was obviously all gung ho about these women but now I find a large part of me is like, "What the hell was I thinking?!". It's really no offense to the women, they were (for the most part) great people who each taught me something about myself, even if we ended on less than amicable terms. It's more a reflection of me and my motivations for getting into these relationships. I don't think I would take any of them back since I think everything and everyone is in your life for a reason, but it's interesting to look at what these women all had in common (besides me).
All throughout my 20's, I denied I had a 'type' that I went for. My friends teased me relentlessly about it and wondered out loud how I couldn't see that I had one. It wasn't until about a year ago that I realized I do indeed have a definite type and that I've rarely deviated from it over the years. The few times I did hook up with someone outside that type were...well, just that hook ups or flings and nothing more. (Except for the one chick I did actually date who eventually stalked me). Is that bad? I don't know. I'd like to think everyone has something that draws them to other people and it's not bad, it's just more knowing what you want/like. But ideally one should go into a romantic relationship for the right reasons and I'm not sure I've done that much. Most of the time I went into relationships for shelter, to get away from what was chasing me at the time. Obviously that form of thinking, and my lack of effort, poisoned any shot at a decent relationship from the start. Ironically the few times I did go in with a clear head and and open heart, I got burned. Vicious. Cycle.
I don't think I need to change my type but I do think I need to change my methods. Or at least change my motivations for going into things. Part of that will come naturally because I'm no longer running from anything and I don't need a relationship to protect me from anything or save me from myself. But another part of it is going to be that much harder because, no matter how I try to deny it, I do still have a problem with that whole self-sabotage thing. (Funny side note, my problem with self-sabotage is nearly identical to what I described about my best friend near the end of this post).That's a problem I've probably always had but I either didn't care enough to notice or just didn't want to deal with it so I didn't. But now it's become a rather large pain in my ass, as well as a pain in the asses of just about everyone I know. Those who don't learn from the past are bound to repeat it...so maybe the key to my getting over this is to take an even closer look at those past relationships and see what I did right, as opposed to always focusing on what I did wrong.
All throughout my 20's, I denied I had a 'type' that I went for. My friends teased me relentlessly about it and wondered out loud how I couldn't see that I had one. It wasn't until about a year ago that I realized I do indeed have a definite type and that I've rarely deviated from it over the years. The few times I did hook up with someone outside that type were...well, just that hook ups or flings and nothing more. (Except for the one chick I did actually date who eventually stalked me). Is that bad? I don't know. I'd like to think everyone has something that draws them to other people and it's not bad, it's just more knowing what you want/like. But ideally one should go into a romantic relationship for the right reasons and I'm not sure I've done that much. Most of the time I went into relationships for shelter, to get away from what was chasing me at the time. Obviously that form of thinking, and my lack of effort, poisoned any shot at a decent relationship from the start. Ironically the few times I did go in with a clear head and and open heart, I got burned. Vicious. Cycle.
I don't think I need to change my type but I do think I need to change my methods. Or at least change my motivations for going into things. Part of that will come naturally because I'm no longer running from anything and I don't need a relationship to protect me from anything or save me from myself. But another part of it is going to be that much harder because, no matter how I try to deny it, I do still have a problem with that whole self-sabotage thing. (Funny side note, my problem with self-sabotage is nearly identical to what I described about my best friend near the end of this post).That's a problem I've probably always had but I either didn't care enough to notice or just didn't want to deal with it so I didn't. But now it's become a rather large pain in my ass, as well as a pain in the asses of just about everyone I know. Those who don't learn from the past are bound to repeat it...so maybe the key to my getting over this is to take an even closer look at those past relationships and see what I did right, as opposed to always focusing on what I did wrong.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Gasoline, Meet Match
I had a very vivid dream the other night about first love. It's hard to believe it's almost nine years since she left. In that time I've thought about her a lot and I've had many nightmares about her passing. I dealt with her leaving a lot later than I should have and as a result my healing process has been slow. For years I couldn't even stand to hear her name mentioned, let alone put her picture up. But all that started to change last year. Now I can talk about her, the good times anyway, without choking up. I have a picture of her up now, but in a kind of out of the way place so I don't have to see it everyday. I'm even in almost regular contact with her family, something that seemed impossible for the longest time. There are still certain feelings I can't shake and things I can't talk about, but I guess that's normal. Everything is a work in progress and I try to tell myself this is no different. But the nightmares are now few and far between and I'm thankful for that.
Last night's dream was weird in that it felt almost like a movie. I don't usually have good dreams of any kind (or at least I don't remember any of them if I do), but the few I have had haven't been this movie-like. I somehow managed to relive 90% of our relationship in one dream. It began with the moment I first laid eyes on her, something I hadn't thought about in years. I saw the first year or so of our relationship and how it blossomed so beautifully before it flashed to our more trying times. We were very similar in nature and that caused us to be all-consumed with each other one day and totally removed from the relationship the next, (often at different times) which caused a lot of arguments. Adding to the stress was her broken relationship with her father, who died before they could try and work things out. She regularly took out her frustrations about the entire situation on me and I finally tired of it and told her we were through until she could learn how to deal with it. Her response to that was slashing my tires. But it seemed to help her healing process and we got back together just before college. I never felt the need to go away to college as a single dude so I could have the "traditional college experience" (ie. bang every hot chick in sight). I was happy in our relationship and felt like we were finally working towards something. I hadn't thought about this time of my life in forever either, until the dream brought it back. Mostly because it was such a hopeful time. After so many break-ups and make-ups we were on solid ground amd making plans for the long-term. But what is it they say? Men plan, god laughs.
I woke up before any of the bad stuff happened but it may have been the weirdest dream I've ever had. I could feel every feeling and I was a part of every conversation as if it were all happening for the first time. Usually when I wake up from a dream/nightmare about her, I feel sad or upset and don't get any sleep for the next week or so. This time I woke up and was sad for a few minutes but then this...calm came over me and I was able to lay back down and fall asleep. And I woke up in a very good mood the next morning. So what does it mean? Probably nothing. I'm trying not to over think about it. Maybe I just needed a reminder about the good times to help me stop dwelling about the bad ones. It's not so much the bad times I dwell on, it's more the bitter end of the whole affair. But I've been getting much better about not thinking about that so much because I realize it doesn't really aid in the healing process. Last April was surprisingly easy to get through, I wasn't nearly as bummed out as I usually get around that time. I wasn't sure at the time if that was a good or bad thing to feel that way but now I know it's a good thing. Hopefully this year's anniversary will pass in a similar fashion since I have a feeling next year's (which will mark a decade gone) is gonna be kinda rough.
Last night's dream was weird in that it felt almost like a movie. I don't usually have good dreams of any kind (or at least I don't remember any of them if I do), but the few I have had haven't been this movie-like. I somehow managed to relive 90% of our relationship in one dream. It began with the moment I first laid eyes on her, something I hadn't thought about in years. I saw the first year or so of our relationship and how it blossomed so beautifully before it flashed to our more trying times. We were very similar in nature and that caused us to be all-consumed with each other one day and totally removed from the relationship the next, (often at different times) which caused a lot of arguments. Adding to the stress was her broken relationship with her father, who died before they could try and work things out. She regularly took out her frustrations about the entire situation on me and I finally tired of it and told her we were through until she could learn how to deal with it. Her response to that was slashing my tires. But it seemed to help her healing process and we got back together just before college. I never felt the need to go away to college as a single dude so I could have the "traditional college experience" (ie. bang every hot chick in sight). I was happy in our relationship and felt like we were finally working towards something. I hadn't thought about this time of my life in forever either, until the dream brought it back. Mostly because it was such a hopeful time. After so many break-ups and make-ups we were on solid ground amd making plans for the long-term. But what is it they say? Men plan, god laughs.
I woke up before any of the bad stuff happened but it may have been the weirdest dream I've ever had. I could feel every feeling and I was a part of every conversation as if it were all happening for the first time. Usually when I wake up from a dream/nightmare about her, I feel sad or upset and don't get any sleep for the next week or so. This time I woke up and was sad for a few minutes but then this...calm came over me and I was able to lay back down and fall asleep. And I woke up in a very good mood the next morning. So what does it mean? Probably nothing. I'm trying not to over think about it. Maybe I just needed a reminder about the good times to help me stop dwelling about the bad ones. It's not so much the bad times I dwell on, it's more the bitter end of the whole affair. But I've been getting much better about not thinking about that so much because I realize it doesn't really aid in the healing process. Last April was surprisingly easy to get through, I wasn't nearly as bummed out as I usually get around that time. I wasn't sure at the time if that was a good or bad thing to feel that way but now I know it's a good thing. Hopefully this year's anniversary will pass in a similar fashion since I have a feeling next year's (which will mark a decade gone) is gonna be kinda rough.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Survey Says
By now you've likely seen this study that came out about the joys of parenting being a myth. If not, this study basically says that there is little joy in parenting and people with kids have to lie to themselves on a daily basis to avoid falling into depression (or something to that effect). I'm not denying at all that kids are difficult. They're expensive (an estimated $190,000 to raise a child to age 18), they're needy and they try your patience in ways you never knew possible. What is at all appealing about all that, right? I'm sure a lot of people, especially teenagers these days, idealize having a baby. They seem to think a child will be something that's 'mine' and someone who will love you unconditionally for the rest of your life. And, if you do your job correctly (and believe me, it is a job), your kids will love you unconditionally and will want to be your friend once they reach adulthood. But before any of that happens you have to make it through them being infants (high maintenance), toddlers (somehow even higher maintenance), tweens (whatever the hell that is), and teenagers (less maintenance than toddlers but more mouthing off). Yeah, that doesn't sound like any fun at all.
Growing up I always thought I'd someday have kids (I believe the ideal number was 3) and I wanted to get married and start having kids in my early 20's. Then I reached my early 20's and my career became more important than my personal life, forget about bringing kids into the equation. Then came the height of my selfishness and I decided it was too cruel/scary a world to bring kids into and that I didn't want them at all. Did I worry that my life would be somehow unfulfilled without kids? Not really. My nieces and nephews really were enough for me and I woulda been 100% fulfilled had that been as far as my parenting experience went. Nieces and nephews are all the fun of having a kid with far less responsibility, what's not to love about that? But life has a way of making up its mind for you and that's what happened when the twist in my story that is my daughter came along.
There's some kind of stigma in our society about people who don't want to have kids. Like they must be lacking as human beings because they don't want to take on the task of raising another human being. But not everyone who likes and/or has children is up to that task anyway. A lot of people try to fit the kid into their lives, as opposed to changing their lives for the kid. I don't think not wanting kids makes you a bad person, some people just know they aren't meant to be parents. I used to think I was one of those people because I don't think my restlessness is a good trait for a parent to have. But I've somehow managed to override that restlessness as I've grown into parenthood. So we've established that kids are difficult and high maintenance and that even though your being responsible for them technically ends at 18, you'll never stop being a parent and being concerned for their well-being. And having done that whole legal guardian thing with my teenager, I can say this is 100% true.
But all I could think about while I was reading the results of this survey was that I couldn't relate to the results at all. Yes, my daughter sometimes tries my patience. But I can't say that I don't truly enjoy 98% of what being a dad entails. Granted, a lot of people in this survey likely had more than one kid and that's probably a contributor to some of their feelings about the job. Am I less happy now than before I was a parent? Nope. I actually think I'm happier since she came into my life. I don't know if it's because of the near-death thing or because it's just in my nature but the little mundane, annoying tasks of having a kid just don't bother me much. I know that my being here at all to have her is a huge blessing. I have stated that I don't feel the need to have anymore kids, but it's not because I think I'd be unhappier if I did. My daughter is without question the great love of my life and I can't imagine myself without her. If she's the only child I'm ever meant to have, that's fine by me. If there are more in the cards down the line, that's fine too. Either way I know I'm always going to be 1000% appreciative of the parenting experience, even if it's not always a pleasant one.
Growing up I always thought I'd someday have kids (I believe the ideal number was 3) and I wanted to get married and start having kids in my early 20's. Then I reached my early 20's and my career became more important than my personal life, forget about bringing kids into the equation. Then came the height of my selfishness and I decided it was too cruel/scary a world to bring kids into and that I didn't want them at all. Did I worry that my life would be somehow unfulfilled without kids? Not really. My nieces and nephews really were enough for me and I woulda been 100% fulfilled had that been as far as my parenting experience went. Nieces and nephews are all the fun of having a kid with far less responsibility, what's not to love about that? But life has a way of making up its mind for you and that's what happened when the twist in my story that is my daughter came along.
There's some kind of stigma in our society about people who don't want to have kids. Like they must be lacking as human beings because they don't want to take on the task of raising another human being. But not everyone who likes and/or has children is up to that task anyway. A lot of people try to fit the kid into their lives, as opposed to changing their lives for the kid. I don't think not wanting kids makes you a bad person, some people just know they aren't meant to be parents. I used to think I was one of those people because I don't think my restlessness is a good trait for a parent to have. But I've somehow managed to override that restlessness as I've grown into parenthood. So we've established that kids are difficult and high maintenance and that even though your being responsible for them technically ends at 18, you'll never stop being a parent and being concerned for their well-being. And having done that whole legal guardian thing with my teenager, I can say this is 100% true.
But all I could think about while I was reading the results of this survey was that I couldn't relate to the results at all. Yes, my daughter sometimes tries my patience. But I can't say that I don't truly enjoy 98% of what being a dad entails. Granted, a lot of people in this survey likely had more than one kid and that's probably a contributor to some of their feelings about the job. Am I less happy now than before I was a parent? Nope. I actually think I'm happier since she came into my life. I don't know if it's because of the near-death thing or because it's just in my nature but the little mundane, annoying tasks of having a kid just don't bother me much. I know that my being here at all to have her is a huge blessing. I have stated that I don't feel the need to have anymore kids, but it's not because I think I'd be unhappier if I did. My daughter is without question the great love of my life and I can't imagine myself without her. If she's the only child I'm ever meant to have, that's fine by me. If there are more in the cards down the line, that's fine too. Either way I know I'm always going to be 1000% appreciative of the parenting experience, even if it's not always a pleasant one.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
I Have No Patience for Hypocrites, I Have No Patience for Fakes, I Have No Patience for Those Who Make My Same Mistakes
So I spent most of my morning attending my own crucifixion. Oh, wait...actually it was a counseling session with one of my friends who is starting to finish up a lengthy rehab stay. But you woulda thought it was the former and not the latter. First some background, I met this friend during my Catholic school years and his older brother is my my sister's partner. I'm much closer to his brother now but back in those days I was probably equally close to both of them. Their relationship as brothers has never been very good and their difficult upbringing didn't help (detailed here). I swear they didn't say more than two words to each other in school, I didn't even know they were related until a year after we met. I once asked him why they didn't get along and he said he felt like his brother had never really stepped up into the role of big brother and he resented him for that. I didn't probe any further but read between the lines and realized he looked at me as a big brother figure.
Flash forward to my accident, which hit him very hard and kinda sent him scrambling for awhile. Because of all I was going through, I no longer fell into the role of being the advice guy or wanting to help the people I loved with their problems. Frankly, I didn't care about anyone else's problems during that time. Then came the 'dark ages' and my not wanting to deal with anybody I loved cuz they were all giving the same lecture about my bad habits. The two of us didn't speak much during most of this time but I think his reason for not talking to me was that I'd fallen from grace in his eyes. Pre-accident I'd always been able to help him, always been able to fix his mistakes and he had this idealized image of me as some sort os Superman figure. And then I wasn't. And then he got into some horrible stuff and we had a very bad falling out about a year ago and have spoken sporadically since then. So, on some level, I do understand his anger towards me and I admit I've made some mistakes here but I don't think I am the reason for all of his problems.
That brings us to today and our session and my going in believing it was going to be something that helps him in his recovery. (Apparently his counselor was also under this impression cuz dude was shocked when it turned into an all-out argument.) It went from a casual, almost friendly environment to him accusing me of having abandoned him and not caring about him anymore. None of which is true but I wasn't really surprised to hear him place the blame on me. Long story short, voices were raised, names were called, feathers were ruffled and I walked out rather than listen to him talk about everything I've ever done wrong in my life, which has little to do with what landed him in rehab. I don't need him pointing out the mistakes I've made in my own life, I know them and I've dealt with them and moved past them. And now, having calmed down considerably from this morning's events, I'm just sad. I truly do want him to get better and move on from all the negativity in his past. And I'd hoped he was already well on his way to that but I guess not. So if he wants to talk again, like adults with no blame being hurled, then I'm up for that. But until then I guess we don't have a place in each other's lives. And that sucks.
Flash forward to my accident, which hit him very hard and kinda sent him scrambling for awhile. Because of all I was going through, I no longer fell into the role of being the advice guy or wanting to help the people I loved with their problems. Frankly, I didn't care about anyone else's problems during that time. Then came the 'dark ages' and my not wanting to deal with anybody I loved cuz they were all giving the same lecture about my bad habits. The two of us didn't speak much during most of this time but I think his reason for not talking to me was that I'd fallen from grace in his eyes. Pre-accident I'd always been able to help him, always been able to fix his mistakes and he had this idealized image of me as some sort os Superman figure. And then I wasn't. And then he got into some horrible stuff and we had a very bad falling out about a year ago and have spoken sporadically since then. So, on some level, I do understand his anger towards me and I admit I've made some mistakes here but I don't think I am the reason for all of his problems.
That brings us to today and our session and my going in believing it was going to be something that helps him in his recovery. (Apparently his counselor was also under this impression cuz dude was shocked when it turned into an all-out argument.) It went from a casual, almost friendly environment to him accusing me of having abandoned him and not caring about him anymore. None of which is true but I wasn't really surprised to hear him place the blame on me. Long story short, voices were raised, names were called, feathers were ruffled and I walked out rather than listen to him talk about everything I've ever done wrong in my life, which has little to do with what landed him in rehab. I don't need him pointing out the mistakes I've made in my own life, I know them and I've dealt with them and moved past them. And now, having calmed down considerably from this morning's events, I'm just sad. I truly do want him to get better and move on from all the negativity in his past. And I'd hoped he was already well on his way to that but I guess not. So if he wants to talk again, like adults with no blame being hurled, then I'm up for that. But until then I guess we don't have a place in each other's lives. And that sucks.
The Fine Print
Me: "She got all bent cuz when she told me she might be pregnant I was like, "Duh fool, wrap it up".
Friend: "Your friends reach out to you and that's what you say? Nah, you don't have issues at all."
Good point (although in my defense I didn't really say that to the friend who thought she was pregnant). The 'issues' the second friend is referring to are pretty much what I've laid out here on the blog the past few weeks. And an added one that I haven't really named here. After listening to me banter on about my feelings the other day, this friend pointed me in the direction of a well-known personality test they had to take as part of a college course. They said it helped them to better understand parts of their personality and suggested I give it a shot and see if it helped me any. It didn't really tell me anything I didn't already know. But, curiously, it kinda led me to see what some of my better qualities are rather than focusing on the bad ones. (I'll spare you what the good ones are).
I'm a mutt in every sense of the word. Or as my aunt once put it, "a colorful little dude full of contradictions". I was like 5 when she first said that but she still says it now. For a long time I wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing but now I can see it ain't all that bad. I mean, really how boring would I be if I was totally predictable all of the time? Would I be easier to live with if I were that boring? Hell yes. But I don't need to be easy to live with right now, I live alone (aside from the kid). Predictability bores me but I don't think I've ever really noticed that not everyone feels that way. And that's fine, everybody is different. But I don't think my dislike of predictability and my attraction to difficult (sometimes dangerous) situations will change much.
And therein lies the rub folks, cuz if I'm not gonna become easier to be with (read: boring) than...I don't know how to finish that sentence. But I'm guessing whoever decides to put with me would have to have the patience of a freakin' saint and trust that my impulsivity isn't as impulsive as it seems.
The same friend who suggested I take this test also mentioned that I should come with a disclaimer when it comes to relationships. Something along the lines of, "Look, I'ma f--k up. Probably more than once. And sometimes I'm gonna be north and south at the same time. I will be difficult. I will be stubborn. I will be impulsive. I am also an incurable smart ass and that won't ever change. However, if you can see past/get on board with all this and are more patient than I am, maybe you'll get to see my better qualities at some point." The friends' point being that I've never tried to learn from the end of my past relationships. I've left them behind, gone on to the next and taken little time to reflect because I was always running from something. And, as they say, those who don't learn from the past are bound to repeat it. And that's not good. Part of me wonders how I can have it so together on the parental front (least I hope so anyway) but be so lost sometimes on every other front. But...such is life I suppose.
Friend: "Your friends reach out to you and that's what you say? Nah, you don't have issues at all."
Good point (although in my defense I didn't really say that to the friend who thought she was pregnant). The 'issues' the second friend is referring to are pretty much what I've laid out here on the blog the past few weeks. And an added one that I haven't really named here. After listening to me banter on about my feelings the other day, this friend pointed me in the direction of a well-known personality test they had to take as part of a college course. They said it helped them to better understand parts of their personality and suggested I give it a shot and see if it helped me any. It didn't really tell me anything I didn't already know. But, curiously, it kinda led me to see what some of my better qualities are rather than focusing on the bad ones. (I'll spare you what the good ones are).
I'm a mutt in every sense of the word. Or as my aunt once put it, "a colorful little dude full of contradictions". I was like 5 when she first said that but she still says it now. For a long time I wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing but now I can see it ain't all that bad. I mean, really how boring would I be if I was totally predictable all of the time? Would I be easier to live with if I were that boring? Hell yes. But I don't need to be easy to live with right now, I live alone (aside from the kid). Predictability bores me but I don't think I've ever really noticed that not everyone feels that way. And that's fine, everybody is different. But I don't think my dislike of predictability and my attraction to difficult (sometimes dangerous) situations will change much.
And therein lies the rub folks, cuz if I'm not gonna become easier to be with (read: boring) than...I don't know how to finish that sentence. But I'm guessing whoever decides to put with me would have to have the patience of a freakin' saint and trust that my impulsivity isn't as impulsive as it seems.
The same friend who suggested I take this test also mentioned that I should come with a disclaimer when it comes to relationships. Something along the lines of, "Look, I'ma f--k up. Probably more than once. And sometimes I'm gonna be north and south at the same time. I will be difficult. I will be stubborn. I will be impulsive. I am also an incurable smart ass and that won't ever change. However, if you can see past/get on board with all this and are more patient than I am, maybe you'll get to see my better qualities at some point." The friends' point being that I've never tried to learn from the end of my past relationships. I've left them behind, gone on to the next and taken little time to reflect because I was always running from something. And, as they say, those who don't learn from the past are bound to repeat it. And that's not good. Part of me wonders how I can have it so together on the parental front (least I hope so anyway) but be so lost sometimes on every other front. But...such is life I suppose.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Hot For Student
Having recently heard about another teacher/student scandal, I started thinking back to my own school days and how dramatically things have changed since then. I don't remember large chunks of my school experience but I do remember that although I wasn't technically popular with my fellow students, I was well-liked by most of my teachers. I wasn't one of those who knew the answer to every question and had to one up the other kids, so not really a teacher's pet. But I knew a lot of answers, I loved to write and create (some things never change huh) and I was very meticulous about finishing my work on or ahead of time. Sometimes I wonder how many of those teachers who sent notes home to mom about my sister and I being 'a pleasure to have in class' (direct quote) even remember us. They must have gone through thousands of students before and after. But then I only remember three teachers having lasting impacts on me (one was a dude, so I'm not gonna talk about him in this post given the overall subject). I liked a good amount of my teachers but I remember only having crushes on two during my high school years. But it's a long way from crush to being booked for being too hands on as an educator and I think I can safely say that neither crush ever went past the crush stage. There was never even a tiny little thought that it could be more than that.
It seems to be way too common now to see stories of a high school teacher sleeping with a student. And it seems like these kids are getting younger and younger and I really don't get is what the big attraction is. It's not like the teachers are ridiculously good-looking or anything, the mugshots I've seen have all been pretty 'meh' (but then it is a mug shot and they all seem to have terrible lighting). I guess part of it is the forbidden factor that comes with but I can't help but think there's something seriously wrong with the teachers who allow themselves to cross that line. I'm sure there are a number of other factors; kids being sexualized too young, the teachers being book educated but emotionally delayed, etc. But I'm sure another part of it is the always connected world we live in. I've heard a ton of stories of teachers friending their students on FB or teachers sending text messages to their students as if they're friends. That to me sounds like the last step before something shady goes down. It's like there's no such thing as an innocent crush on a teacher anymore, which is kinda sad since it used to be like mini rite of passage. I've know very few people who didn't have at least one teacher crush in their lives.
My first teacher crush was on an art teacher, who was originally supposed to just be a year-long substitute for the main art dude who had been caught with a flask of whiskey in his desk. (Two things here - 1) Yes I did go to an inner city school but there was surprisingly little drama or teacher turnover and 2) I woulda drank too if I'd had to teach us). Honestly this teacher wasn't all that attractive to me in looks, it was all personality and creativity. There was a kind of bond between us, but nothing that wasn't PG. She was definitely one of the best teachers I ever had, in any subject, because she was genuinely interested in what her students were doing with their lives. The majority of her students didn't really invest in art class because they weren't the artistic type, but she still made it a point to ask them about their other interests. When I started the film program (which was at a different school than my HS, I'd spend half the day at one school and half at the other), it left me with a free period before I had any academic classes and I'd spend the free period in her classroom. She was always genuinely interested in what script I was writing, what film I was making, whatever it was that I was excited about at the time. She even attended the year-end screening of my film, which I didn't expect at all. She was this invested in all of her students, not just me, and It didn't matter if they shared her passion for art or not. She was there for whatever problems any of us had, and it's kinda funny to think about what a great teacher she is (she now teaches elementary school) when you realize she never really wanted to be one. She always wanted to be an artist, and she is a pretty successful one on the side now. I think what I learned from her is that people who are blessed with the ability to create art should never be ashamed of it. And that helped me tremendously in my film career because it was one of those programs that my peers were either fascinated by and wished they could get into or that they made fun of because they didn't understand it. I still keep in touch with this teacher to this day.
The second teacher I had a crush on, this one a MAJOR crush, was the Literature teacher I had my junior year. As a Freshman I took mostly AP courses (except math) and AP Lit teacher was an older lady whom I couldn't stand because she ruled that classroom with an iron fist. I always felt like she wasn't as hard on all of her students as she was on me and that seriously pissed me off (I later found out she was hard on me because she thought I was one of the better writers she'd taught). Even so, I was thrilled to be liberated from her class and even happier when I saw my new Lit teacher. This was another case where part of the attraction was that she was just good people. She was always interested in my writing and what I was doing in art class and what I was working on in film. At one point I was spending at least two hours after school every day in the art room to work on a side project (one not for credit, just for me) and if she were still around at that hour she would come by to see my progress. I remember her classes being a lot of fun too, always projects and group projects to work on, and she let us do it in our time with music going on in the background. There were deadlines and there were rules but nothing as strict as any other teacher in the school. Part of this method may have been that it was her first year as a teacher but obviously she's doing something right because she's now a principal at another school.
I think the majority of teachers are good, they just all have very different methods of teaching. It's kinda sad though that those teachers continue to be underpaid and under appreciated while the rogue teachers who get involved inappropriately with their students make headlines. It's especially sad when you realize that there seems to be much more expected of teachers nowadays because some parents consider their kids to be the school's problem during school hours, not theirs. But hopefully it's some kind of consolation for the good ones that they are genuinely making a difference in some kids' lives.
It seems to be way too common now to see stories of a high school teacher sleeping with a student. And it seems like these kids are getting younger and younger and I really don't get is what the big attraction is. It's not like the teachers are ridiculously good-looking or anything, the mugshots I've seen have all been pretty 'meh' (but then it is a mug shot and they all seem to have terrible lighting). I guess part of it is the forbidden factor that comes with but I can't help but think there's something seriously wrong with the teachers who allow themselves to cross that line. I'm sure there are a number of other factors; kids being sexualized too young, the teachers being book educated but emotionally delayed, etc. But I'm sure another part of it is the always connected world we live in. I've heard a ton of stories of teachers friending their students on FB or teachers sending text messages to their students as if they're friends. That to me sounds like the last step before something shady goes down. It's like there's no such thing as an innocent crush on a teacher anymore, which is kinda sad since it used to be like mini rite of passage. I've know very few people who didn't have at least one teacher crush in their lives.
My first teacher crush was on an art teacher, who was originally supposed to just be a year-long substitute for the main art dude who had been caught with a flask of whiskey in his desk. (Two things here - 1) Yes I did go to an inner city school but there was surprisingly little drama or teacher turnover and 2) I woulda drank too if I'd had to teach us). Honestly this teacher wasn't all that attractive to me in looks, it was all personality and creativity. There was a kind of bond between us, but nothing that wasn't PG. She was definitely one of the best teachers I ever had, in any subject, because she was genuinely interested in what her students were doing with their lives. The majority of her students didn't really invest in art class because they weren't the artistic type, but she still made it a point to ask them about their other interests. When I started the film program (which was at a different school than my HS, I'd spend half the day at one school and half at the other), it left me with a free period before I had any academic classes and I'd spend the free period in her classroom. She was always genuinely interested in what script I was writing, what film I was making, whatever it was that I was excited about at the time. She even attended the year-end screening of my film, which I didn't expect at all. She was this invested in all of her students, not just me, and It didn't matter if they shared her passion for art or not. She was there for whatever problems any of us had, and it's kinda funny to think about what a great teacher she is (she now teaches elementary school) when you realize she never really wanted to be one. She always wanted to be an artist, and she is a pretty successful one on the side now. I think what I learned from her is that people who are blessed with the ability to create art should never be ashamed of it. And that helped me tremendously in my film career because it was one of those programs that my peers were either fascinated by and wished they could get into or that they made fun of because they didn't understand it. I still keep in touch with this teacher to this day.
The second teacher I had a crush on, this one a MAJOR crush, was the Literature teacher I had my junior year. As a Freshman I took mostly AP courses (except math) and AP Lit teacher was an older lady whom I couldn't stand because she ruled that classroom with an iron fist. I always felt like she wasn't as hard on all of her students as she was on me and that seriously pissed me off (I later found out she was hard on me because she thought I was one of the better writers she'd taught). Even so, I was thrilled to be liberated from her class and even happier when I saw my new Lit teacher. This was another case where part of the attraction was that she was just good people. She was always interested in my writing and what I was doing in art class and what I was working on in film. At one point I was spending at least two hours after school every day in the art room to work on a side project (one not for credit, just for me) and if she were still around at that hour she would come by to see my progress. I remember her classes being a lot of fun too, always projects and group projects to work on, and she let us do it in our time with music going on in the background. There were deadlines and there were rules but nothing as strict as any other teacher in the school. Part of this method may have been that it was her first year as a teacher but obviously she's doing something right because she's now a principal at another school.
I think the majority of teachers are good, they just all have very different methods of teaching. It's kinda sad though that those teachers continue to be underpaid and under appreciated while the rogue teachers who get involved inappropriately with their students make headlines. It's especially sad when you realize that there seems to be much more expected of teachers nowadays because some parents consider their kids to be the school's problem during school hours, not theirs. But hopefully it's some kind of consolation for the good ones that they are genuinely making a difference in some kids' lives.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)