I had a very vivid dream the other night about first love. It's hard to believe it's almost nine years since she left. In that time I've thought about her a lot and I've had many nightmares about her passing. I dealt with her leaving a lot later than I should have and as a result my healing process has been slow. For years I couldn't even stand to hear her name mentioned, let alone put her picture up. But all that started to change last year. Now I can talk about her, the good times anyway, without choking up. I have a picture of her up now, but in a kind of out of the way place so I don't have to see it everyday. I'm even in almost regular contact with her family, something that seemed impossible for the longest time. There are still certain feelings I can't shake and things I can't talk about, but I guess that's normal. Everything is a work in progress and I try to tell myself this is no different. But the nightmares are now few and far between and I'm thankful for that.
Last night's dream was weird in that it felt almost like a movie. I don't usually have good dreams of any kind (or at least I don't remember any of them if I do), but the few I have had haven't been this movie-like. I somehow managed to relive 90% of our relationship in one dream. It began with the moment I first laid eyes on her, something I hadn't thought about in years. I saw the first year or so of our relationship and how it blossomed so beautifully before it flashed to our more trying times. We were very similar in nature and that caused us to be all-consumed with each other one day and totally removed from the relationship the next, (often at different times) which caused a lot of arguments. Adding to the stress was her broken relationship with her father, who died before they could try and work things out. She regularly took out her frustrations about the entire situation on me and I finally tired of it and told her we were through until she could learn how to deal with it. Her response to that was slashing my tires. But it seemed to help her healing process and we got back together just before college. I never felt the need to go away to college as a single dude so I could have the "traditional college experience" (ie. bang every hot chick in sight). I was happy in our relationship and felt like we were finally working towards something. I hadn't thought about this time of my life in forever either, until the dream brought it back. Mostly because it was such a hopeful time. After so many break-ups and make-ups we were on solid ground amd making plans for the long-term. But what is it they say? Men plan, god laughs.
I woke up before any of the bad stuff happened but it may have been the weirdest dream I've ever had. I could feel every feeling and I was a part of every conversation as if it were all happening for the first time. Usually when I wake up from a dream/nightmare about her, I feel sad or upset and don't get any sleep for the next week or so. This time I woke up and was sad for a few minutes but then this...calm came over me and I was able to lay back down and fall asleep. And I woke up in a very good mood the next morning. So what does it mean? Probably nothing. I'm trying not to over think about it. Maybe I just needed a reminder about the good times to help me stop dwelling about the bad ones. It's not so much the bad times I dwell on, it's more the bitter end of the whole affair. But I've been getting much better about not thinking about that so much because I realize it doesn't really aid in the healing process. Last April was surprisingly easy to get through, I wasn't nearly as bummed out as I usually get around that time. I wasn't sure at the time if that was a good or bad thing to feel that way but now I know it's a good thing. Hopefully this year's anniversary will pass in a similar fashion since I have a feeling next year's (which will mark a decade gone) is gonna be kinda rough.
