You know what's funny? Maybe not so much funny as just kinda weird is how your views on your past relationships change as you get older. I find myself just a wee bit more reflective than I thought I'd be as I inch towards that number I dare not name. I tossed a turned a bit last night and then suddenly thought about how the current me has no idea what the me who wore a younger man's clothes was thinking when he got into certain relationships. At the time I was obviously all gung ho about these women but now I find a large part of me is like, "What the hell was I thinking?!". It's really no offense to the women, they were (for the most part) great people who each taught me something about myself, even if we ended on less than amicable terms. It's more a reflection of me and my motivations for getting into these relationships. I don't think I would take any of them back since I think everything and everyone is in your life for a reason, but it's interesting to look at what these women all had in common (besides me).
All throughout my 20's, I denied I had a 'type' that I went for. My friends teased me relentlessly about it and wondered out loud how I couldn't see that I had one. It wasn't until about a year ago that I realized I do indeed have a definite type and that I've rarely deviated from it over the years. The few times I did hook up with someone outside that type were...well, just that hook ups or flings and nothing more. (Except for the one chick I did actually date who eventually stalked me). Is that bad? I don't know. I'd like to think everyone has something that draws them to other people and it's not bad, it's just more knowing what you want/like. But ideally one should go into a romantic relationship for the right reasons and I'm not sure I've done that much. Most of the time I went into relationships for shelter, to get away from what was chasing me at the time. Obviously that form of thinking, and my lack of effort, poisoned any shot at a decent relationship from the start. Ironically the few times I did go in with a clear head and and open heart, I got burned. Vicious. Cycle.
I don't think I need to change my type but I do think I need to change my methods. Or at least change my motivations for going into things. Part of that will come naturally because I'm no longer running from anything and I don't need a relationship to protect me from anything or save me from myself. But another part of it is going to be that much harder because, no matter how I try to deny it, I do still have a problem with that whole self-sabotage thing. (Funny side note, my problem with self-sabotage is nearly identical to what I described about my best friend near the end of this post).That's a problem I've probably always had but I either didn't care enough to notice or just didn't want to deal with it so I didn't. But now it's become a rather large pain in my ass, as well as a pain in the asses of just about everyone I know. Those who don't learn from the past are bound to repeat it...so maybe the key to my getting over this is to take an even closer look at those past relationships and see what I did right, as opposed to always focusing on what I did wrong.
