Me: "She got all bent cuz when she told me she might be pregnant I was like, "Duh fool, wrap it up".
Friend: "Your friends reach out to you and that's what you say? Nah, you don't have issues at all."
Good point (although in my defense I didn't really say that to the friend who thought she was pregnant). The 'issues' the second friend is referring to are pretty much what I've laid out here on the blog the past few weeks. And an added one that I haven't really named here. After listening to me banter on about my feelings the other day, this friend pointed me in the direction of a well-known personality test they had to take as part of a college course. They said it helped them to better understand parts of their personality and suggested I give it a shot and see if it helped me any. It didn't really tell me anything I didn't already know. But, curiously, it kinda led me to see what some of my better qualities are rather than focusing on the bad ones. (I'll spare you what the good ones are).
I'm a mutt in every sense of the word. Or as my aunt once put it, "a colorful little dude full of contradictions". I was like 5 when she first said that but she still says it now. For a long time I wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing but now I can see it ain't all that bad. I mean, really how boring would I be if I was totally predictable all of the time? Would I be easier to live with if I were that boring? Hell yes. But I don't need to be easy to live with right now, I live alone (aside from the kid). Predictability bores me but I don't think I've ever really noticed that not everyone feels that way. And that's fine, everybody is different. But I don't think my dislike of predictability and my attraction to difficult (sometimes dangerous) situations will change much.
And therein lies the rub folks, cuz if I'm not gonna become easier to be with (read: boring) than...I don't know how to finish that sentence. But I'm guessing whoever decides to put with me would have to have the patience of a freakin' saint and trust that my impulsivity isn't as impulsive as it seems.
The same friend who suggested I take this test also mentioned that I should come with a disclaimer when it comes to relationships. Something along the lines of, "Look, I'ma f--k up. Probably more than once. And sometimes I'm gonna be north and south at the same time. I will be difficult. I will be stubborn. I will be impulsive. I am also an incurable smart ass and that won't ever change. However, if you can see past/get on board with all this and are more patient than I am, maybe you'll get to see my better qualities at some point." The friends' point being that I've never tried to learn from the end of my past relationships. I've left them behind, gone on to the next and taken little time to reflect because I was always running from something. And, as they say, those who don't learn from the past are bound to repeat it. And that's not good. Part of me wonders how I can have it so together on the parental front (least I hope so anyway) but be so lost sometimes on every other front. But...such is life I suppose.
