That is a phrase someone close to me used today and it is very appropriate. I miss my lack of mortality awareness now more than ever. My week has SUCKED. I've had blinding pain in my side that either means my anemia is out of whack and I have to go back on IV's (or have my spleen removed) or it could be a sign of leukemia. I have an ultrasound tomorrow and, possibly, another biopsy next week to determine what's going on. Today I got word that my insurance will not cover the IV's because they're considered "experimental treatment", so I'm already on the hook for thousands of dollars (that I don't have). I just feel awful; physically, mentally, emotionally.
I guess everyone gets their mortality check at a different time in their lives. From childhood and into your 20's, you think you're invincible and nothing can happen to you. There's no reason to think that, we just seem to be wired to have carefree and borderline crazy younger years that make us do the kind of things older versions of us ask, "What the hell was I thinking?!". Then we grow up and mature and get married and have kids and become suddenly aware of our own mortality because we now have something to lose. And, according to the younger set, that's when we become "boring" and old. I never had as carefree of a decade in my 20's as most since they started with a bang (and not a good one). I became very aware of my own mortality when I was 21 and died (technically). But I didn't really take it seriously until I found out I was going to be a father. That's a major game changer. I don't want to leave this earth now because I need to be there for her, for a very long time. And I worry constantly that I won't be.
I've had dreams and daydreams about my own death. Sometimes they're apocalyptic and I'm not the only one departing on that day. Sometimes, and this was mostly back in the dark ages, I had dreams about having mixed the wrong combination of pills and going to sleep and never waking up again. Once I had a dream about another car accident, but I don't recall the details. Awhile back I was dating someone with a VERY jealous ex and I started having terrible nightmares about him flying off the handle and shooting both of us. (These spooked me so much that they factored into our break-up a little.) Never, ever thought I might end up with some other medical condition though. And obviously nothing's confirmed yet so I'm trying to be positive. But it hasn't been easy. I'm freaked out . . .
