It has been four days since I've blogged and I have missed it so. Actually, it's been four days since I've written anything and that's quite a feat since I usually write everyday. So what's new?.Let's start with this - the mother of my child eloped with her boy toy of five minutes and now my daughter has a stepfather. Awesome. I found out about all this after the fact and I'm of course livid but have decided it's not my problem. Obviously there will be some big changes now but it's all on her to decide how things proceed from here since she knows my terms. I found it hard to keep a straight face when she went on and on about, "when you know, you know" while trying to explain her new marriage. She's been married once before and was coming off that (like, literally had just signed papers) when we began dating. She's also been engaged two other times. So...yeah. I give it a year (if that).
However, the ex's actions have sparked a conversation amongst my people (that's right, I have people) about that whole "when you know" thing. Although I was dead wrong about the chick I actually proposed to, I know with all certainty that I have had that knowing feeling before. Had she not had to go away, I would've married and had a family with the first girlfriend I was in love with and been perfectly content. At least, that's what I used to think. But now I wonder if we would've made it since we were so young and so...let's say, passionate. Even though we knew what we had, and how lucky we were to have it, we also weren't ready for it and thus we broke up and reconciled a lot. We may have just become another statistic, the numbers are not good for people who marry young. But my sister and her partner have been together for 13 years and are still going strong. They had a stumble about seven years ago but chose to work through it and have been disgustingly in love ever since. My bro-in-law has always told me that he knew immediately that he would never love anyone else, but he's not sure how he knew. My sister...well, she needed more convincing. She wouldn't give the poor lad the time of day in the beginning and only went out with him so he'd leave her alone. And now they have three kids. Years ago I knew a couple who met and married within two months and seven years later, they have four kids and are very happy. My cousin and his girlfriend got married 10 months into their relationship and will celebrate their tenth wedding anniversary this fall. So I guess sometimes you can just "know".
One very vivid memory I have from my childhood is of hearing about a member of the extended family getting married to a guy she'd been dating six months. They were 23 and everyone felt they were rushing into it but we all went to the wedding and had a great time, (they're still married, btw). But I remember my mom saying something about it that stuck with me, which was basically that if it's real love, then why rush? As a result of that comment I always said I'd have to be with someone for years before I even considered marriage. Then I proposed to someone I'd been dating six months. And now...I don't think time matters as much. You love who you love and you move at a pace that suits the both of you. If it takes you ten months or ten years to walk down an aisle, or if you choose to never take that step, then that's how it's meant to be. Marriage is a crap shoot nowadays anyway but all relationships take work. My sister gets annoyed because people seem to think her relationship and the time it has lasted "don't count" because they're not married. As if they're doing less work because they've chosen not to walk down an aisle and there would be no consequences if either of them checked out tomorrow. They have a life and a family together and they're happy, that's all that should matter.
One of my best guy friends was thinking about proposing to his then-girlfriend and asked the group for advice. He kept saying he thought she was the woman for him, but could never say with complete certainty that she was. Looking back, I think his situation was very similar to the circumstances that led to my engagement, except he was more willing to settle because of his age. I certainly didn't think the chick I proposed to was "the one". All I remember thinking is, 'is this it?'. But she said she wanted to marry me and I was so depressed and lost that I jumped at the chance that someone wanted to be with me. Ignored the doubts, put aside my feelings about wanting kids (at the time) since she didn't want them and forged ahead. All because I thought it was good enough and I was willing to settle. It was the same thing for my friend and, fortunately, he did not propose (and he later found her cheating in his apartment). So the moral of the story is that if you're lucky enough to just "know", then you have really stumbled onto something great. Wouldn't it be nice if we could all get it right on the first try?
