I can't sleep. I did fall asleep watching tv but then woke up with shoulder pain, took some Aleve and now here I lie wide awake. It's not so much the pain anymore though. It's all the random thoughts going through my head. A friend of mine blogged the other day about how they only seem to write when something is troubling them, never about the good things that happen. My blog began as an outlet for the bad things but has evolved into much more than that. Long after I'm gone the people I love will be able to go back and read what I wrote, good or bad. Hopefully by then it's a ratio of 90% good to 10% bad, but I have a ways to go until I hit that number. My friend is onto something though. Why is it so hard to embrace the good stuff? Not just in your writing but in general.
Accepting happiness as it comes has been a problem for me in the past, not so much now. But tonight I'm on...a low, for sure. Everybody comes with a past and with some sort of "baggage", emotional or otherwise. Our parents fucked us up or someone screwed us over or we spent too much time dabbling in the wrong things in our 20's. People are estranged from family, divorced and affected. You make mistakes, you learn and you grow. That's life in a nutshell. S*** happens so hold on tight and enjoy the ride. But is it possible to come with too much baggage? I'm not sure. I've dated (let's be honest) a lot of women and they all came with pasts; divorces, babies, family drama. And sometimes it affected the relationship and sometimes it didn't and things went on to be successful (I define a successful relationship, romantic or otherwise, as one you learn something from). Of course, few of those relationships were serious so we only had to deal with each other's baggage for a short period of time. When it's over, you move on and maybe you gain some extra baggage and maybe you don't.
I've dealt with and moved past the majority of my relationship baggage. That said, I know I can be a handful. I'm not at all blind to my own faults. I'm stubborn. I'm occasionally moody (and the steroids aren't helping in that area). I over-analyze. I can be insensitive. I have a knack for saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. I'm highly emotionally contained, but when I get overwhelmed emotions can come flowing out with a vengeance (which can be good and bad, depending on the emotion). I can seem apathetic when in fact I'm actually quite sensitive. Maybe too sensitive sometimes. So much is going on beneath the surface but I can't always express it right away. On top of all that, there's my past. Which includes brain damage (literally), the loss of someone I loved a great deal, the dark ages, a failed engagement and many other failed relationships. And the drama with my brother. It's a lot. But I never wondered if it was too much to deal with until now. I mean, I have to write basic crap down sometimes because otherwise I'll forget in ten minutes (and I'm not talking shopping lists, I'm talking about reminders that something's on the stove or that I need to finish or send something). Who's gonna wanna live in a place where post-it notes are found in various rooms? I'm sure it's annoying. Obviously that's just one minor example but...I don't know. I don't want to think that there's no one who will be able to handle all of that. Maybe that's why I sometimes push people away, because I think it's too much. So maybe there's still a happiness acceptance problem after all.
