Everything I Like Is: Illegal, Seductive, Addictive, Amoral, Corrosive, Destructive

In my Thanksgiving post I talked about how I've become a lightweight when it comes to alcohol (although last night I was able to hold my liquor quite well so who knows what's going on). My family's alcohol tolerance is legendary, we can all knock back several drinks with no hangovers in sight. But, for a number of reasons, my tolerance has been lowered. And I'm not really upset about that. When I began drinking (around 18), I didn't get what the attraction was. Beer was disgusting and other liquor burned my mouth. The only thing I liked was liqueurs and I drank mostly because those around me were drinking and I wanted to fit in. Of course I became very familiar with alcohol in my twenties and drank purely because of the escapism it provided. The taste no longer mattered, nor did the effects it had on my brain or body. Once I straightened out my act and got off the drug and drink, I began to realize I didn't miss the drinking. Nowadays, I tend to only drink socially and even then I don't drink much. Although I will admit to being prone to whipping out a bottle of Jack on really terrible days. (And go figure, now I actually like the taste of it.) But now that I'm aware of how low my tolerance is I stop at one drink, if that. I'm actually a very happy drunk when I've had too much but I still don't like to be out of control in that way. I also am not a fan of talking to people after they've had too much to drink. It doesn't matter if they also get happy or mean or whatever, I just don't care for being in that situation. And I know a big reason for that is because hearing people out of it reminds me of negative things.
It's hard to believe my surrogate grandmother has been gone five years now. For some reason I've missed her and thought about her a lot more the last month or so. I've talked about her last years before so I'll just go over the cliff notes in this post. I spent my summers at her house while mom was at work and, at the time, she was an amazingly sweet and patient woman. We'd all pile into her Cadillac (she loved those cars) and go cruising and hear her tell stories about her very colorful past. It was awesome. But something changed for her later in life. The grand kids went away and she was left with a tiny, empty house that she shared with her longtime boyfriend, and it wasn't a happy relationship. He cheated on her (the entire relationship, I'm sure, but it became much more obvious later in life) and spent their money on stupid shit and alcohol. Once I got out of college and started working full-time I would send her money to help out. We'd talk every week and I'd make sure SHE was the one using the money for necessities and not giving it to him. A few years later we began to talk less while I was on my own substance-fueled odyssey. And I regret that immensely because it seemed to contribute to her eventual downfall. She began drinking liters of booze a day and smoking like a train. That's all she did was lay in bed depressed all day, smoking and drinking. When I started trying to make a habit out of calling again I sent her some cash and called to make sure she got it. The convo was okay for awhile and then she began slurring her words. I asked if she was okay and she said she was fine so I chalked it up as a one time thing. If only it had been a one time thing. I continued to call for the next few weeks and she became less and less coherent on the other end of the phone. It killed me to hear her that way and I made the decision to stop sending money to help out. I knew it was going towards liquor anyway. And she couldn't put a full sentence together when we talked so I also stopped calling. Months later I got the call that she'd been found unresponsive in her bed, liquor bottles strewn about the house. She was taken to the hospital and kept on life support for a few days but on reality she was dead before the ambulance even arrived. I had the chance to see her before they took her off life support but opted not to go. I didn't want to remember her that way. I wanted to remember her as the awesome woman from my childhood, and most days I do. Thinking about the way her life ended only depresses me. She deserved so much better. She always lived for her family but few of them even went home to see her after she passed away.
Around the same time I was dealing with my grandmother's issues, I was also dealing with one of my best friends since childhood spiraling deeper into addiction. his downfall had begun years earlier when he began drinking too much and then dabbling in various drugs. For a long time he thought I didn't know what was going on and had the sense not to call or text me when he was using. But he began slipping up and calling while completely out of his mind. At first it made me angry to hear him like that, he's such a beautiful human being when he's sober and himself. But then it just made me really sad to hear him slurring his speech and talking about random things that didn't make sense. But I still always answered the calls because I worried about what would happen if I didn't. As long as he was babbling to me, I knew he wasn't doing drugs or out putting himself at risk in any other way. It finally took me scaring the bejesus out of him for him to check into rehab. He got sober and I couldn't be prouder of him now. It was by no means an easy road, he fell off the wagon twice and the possibility of it happening again is still there (and scares the hell out of me). But he's doing amazing right now. He's married and welcomed his first child, a daughter, this week. In a way, he and grandma have worked out to be the yin and the yang. She's a cautionary tale of what happens when you don't pull yourself out of the hole, and he's the success story of what happens when you do. It's a long road to recovery but the alternative is literally a dead end.
I'm certainly not one to judge others over drinking. I spent the majority of my twenties acting out in reckless, and potentially dangerous, ways. I have plenty of self-destructive tendencies and a habit of giving in to those tendencies on the really bad days. Fortunately, I also have amazing willpower and am able to get myself back in check before sh-t really hits the fan. I've always been very aware that alcoholism runs in my family and I'm determined not to become just another statistic. I know it's a minor miracle I came out of my twenties relatively unscathed. )Still fucked up, mind you, but not as messed up or damaged as I could've been.) And I know not everyone has the willpower to pull themselves out of the rabbit hole. Some fortunate souls don't even have to worry about the rabbit hole because addiction isn't a branch on their family tree. My motivation now to not get outta control is that I have a kid and my actions no longer only affect me. And truthfully that's probably the only thing that could've ever reeled me in and made me keep all of my self-destructive tendencies in check. Although my resolve was strengthened after grandma died. She was always so proud of me and so supportive of my interest in film. I felt like I owed it to her to straighten up and be someone she would still be proud of if she were here. I hope I can get to that point eventually.

Have Some More Turkey, Eat You Some Pie

This year marked the first year in...well, ever that I have not been able to go home for Thanksgiving (because of that jackass subletter holding my money hostage, but I digress). It was an extremely depressing thing once I did the math and knew I couldn't go home but things didn't end up being as terrible as I thought. And in hindsight, it's a good thing I didn't splurge on plane tickets home because I needed that cash for other things (and no, not for hookahs). I ended up spending the day with some family; four cousins, the teenager and my brother-in-law. We basically made the same spread that we usually have when we go home but there were some major differences in our feast. For one, nothing really went wrong. If you've read here for awhile you know that my family's turkey days are infamous for one or more things going wrong. The last five years or so, we've eaten at like 8pm because of one issue or another. Prior to that, my cousin came out just before we sat down to the dinner table. Our family holidays are always entertaining but, as we all advise our guests before they come over, you should definitely eat breakfast and maybe even brunch. A timely meal, Thanksgiving is not in our household. Miraculously, we ate dinner at a reasonable hour this year and it was very...Twilight Zone-esque. Like even as we're eating, there's this eerie feeling of wondering if we'd done something wrong. It's still light-ish outside and we're eating Thanksgiving dinner? That's crazy talk! I am thankful for my fancy iPhone app that allows me to write whenever I want because I was able to take notes on some of what happened this year. Read on for a young lad's chronicle of chipmunks, turkey, football and Weird Al.

~ My niece asks me why the chipmunks wanted a plane that loops the loop and a hula hoop for Christmas. I tell her those things were in fashion then. She asks if the reason they wanted those toys was because they were poor and couldn't afford "good" toys. She makes a good point. A single man raising three chipmunks has got to be expensive.

~ I am being forced to listen to the New Kids On The Block Christmas album in its entirety (a yearly occurrence), while my cousin and cousin-in-law exchange notes on which new kid they crushed on in the 80s. One of them idolized Danny but now wishes she was a Joey girl because apparently he has aged the best. OMG this is lame!

~ While watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade, I see various incarnations of the Power Rangers dancing. Yes, dancing. I know it's a rough economy but still. The Power Rangers do karate and have awesome toys and take orders from a hologram and a robot, they should not be made to dance like they're some kind of holiday strippers. Is nothing sacred anymore? They also remind us that the Rangers will be turning 20 in 2013 and a little part of me reacts to this revelation by hoping that the world really does end next month.

~ I don't like Houston or Detroit but that game was something to see. Terrible officiating and eight billion missed chances to end it in OT. Tres entertaining.

~ Newsflash: If you nickname your turkeys Homer and Marge, you should expect that Homer is going to give you trouble. And indeed he did.

~ The Cowboys alllllmost came back to win their game, which makes it two games thus far that have been close and pretty entertaining. Will the Jets and Patriots make it a holiday hat trick of close games?

~ The answer would be no. FOUR turnovers by New York in the second quarter. Ouch.

~ After two glasses of wine, I realize that I have become what is commonly referred to as a "cheap date". I stumbled off the couch and nearly face-planted on the floor after that second glass. They say you need food in your system to soak up any alcohol but apparently not even a Thanksgiving feast is enough for this lightweight. I wonder if having another piece of pumpkin cheesecake will help? Oh alright, I'll have one.

~ The highlight of the day? The following conversation:

Friend: Will you?
Me: Will I what?
Friend: Love me more today than yesterday
Me: ...(dramatic pause)...
Me: And IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-E-IIIIIIIIIIIIIII will always love youuuuuuu. IIIIIIIIIIII-E-IIIII will always love you. IIIIII will always love youuuuuuuuu
Friend: LOL
---
Friend: I'm making a cheese spread with brie cheese, pecans and apricot 
Friend: My sisters and I are getting together for hootchie night
Me: Sign me up!
Friend: You can be the honorary male hootchie
Friend: We'll probably watch sex and the city...or magic mike
Me: Oh...well I can always just get drunk and not care what we're watching
Friend: And eat my spread....EAT IIIIIIIT!!!
Me: LOL Totally went gutter
Friend: Lol That's how we do
Me: ...(dramatic pause)...
Me: Just eeeeat it! Eeeeeat it! Have some more turkey, eat you some pie, something something I don't know the words die. Just eat it
Friend: LMAO!!! That was worth the wait, I fuckin' love you
Friend: Eat you some pie LOL

And finally, my sister's youngest son spent Thanksgiving afternoon and night in the hospital because of a bad ear infection. Get well soon little dude!

The Constant(s)

A friend wrote a blog exploring the possibility that the people we know and love in this life were the people we knew and loved in previous lives. It's a theory I have always believed in. I'm a history nerd but am drawn only to certain periods of history. I devour any kind of information on ancient civilizations; the Romans, Greeks and Egyptians most notably, and we all know I'm fascinated by the story of the Titanic. Very different periods in history, I know. I've considered the fact that the reason I'm drawn to only certain periods is because some form of me was there in a previous life. Maybe I helped build a pyramid or assisted a philosopher or died on the Titanic. I'll never know for sure but sometimes it's fun to think about. And maybe the people I love were all around then too, but in different forms or relations. Hell, maybe this life is just a place holder before we move on to the next. I don't believe it's just over when we die, nor do I believe in the traditional versions of heaven and hell. I think we come back in some other form and we continue to learn and grow across the ages. I'm a bit torn however because I also would like to think the immediate end of our time here culminates in something like what happened in the series "Lost". I was obsessed with this show during its run and recently watched it again from beginning to end. Few shows have captured my attention the way "Lost" did and I was hooked from episode one, it was so well-written and conceived. The mythology and story of the show were quite complex but I will try to condense it a bit to explain how it ties in with the afterlife theme.
"Lost" began with a plane crashing onto a seemingly deserted island. A select group of passengers survived and learned the plane was way off course at the time of the crash. With rescue very unlikely they went about building lives on the island, learning many things about themselves along the way. From the start it was established that the line between between good and evil, right and wrong, black and white is a very blurry one. Everyone on the show was flawed in some way in order to show that we all got problems but it's how you deal with them that counts. You either overcome your issues or you are consumed by them. Throughout its six seasons, the writers created four different worlds that they bounced between; the present, which included the plane crash and the island exploration, the pasts of the main characters, the futures of those same characters, and what was called "sideways world". We didn't know what sideways world was until the very end of the show. It seemed to be what these people's lives would have been had the plane never crashed - they never met on the island in this scenario yet somehow all still crossed paths at one point or another. In this world they all still had issues and were all still connected, but in very different ways. They were also all still flawed but most no longer seemed completely burdened by those flaws, as they often were in their past lives and on the island. They were no longer consumed by their demons, they had either learned to live with them or overcome them completely. In the last moments of the series finale (which btw is as close to perfection as television gets), it is revealed that sideways world is actually a place the survivors created in order to find each other again before proceeding to the next life. Their time together on the island was the most important time in their lives and they were all very important to each other. They found community and purpose and a sense of belonging on the island. So much so that as they died they all congregated in this sort of limbo and waited for each other and worked through the last of the issues binding them to their earthly lives. In the sideways world most created happier lives for themselves while others continued to punish themselves for past sins. Even they had no idea they had died and had to gain consciousness of that by coming into contact with the person who had the most profound impact on them in life, the person who was their constant throughout all of the worlds. Once they all gain this consciousness, they remember that they have died and are finally ready to let go and move on to whatever comes next, together as they were always meant to be. It's a beautiful concept when you think about it. That we all get to create our own "do-over" and right the wrongs and flaws about ourselves that vexed us throughout our lives. That we get a chance to forgive ourselves and start with a clean slate on our next journey. And that we're never alone throughout any of our travels. Whether it be 1912, the 1920's or before Christ, the people we love and care about have always and will always be there.
I've always believed in fate and destiny and all that stuff some would call BS. Another of the major themes in "Lost" was science versus faith; one character was a doctor and needed to fix everything and everyone, another was a man who believed everything was for a reason and trusted that we'd all find out that reason some day. I think a good amount of science and faith exist in all of us. I have a great deal of faith, even when things seem awful I try to find the upside. My faith is very important to me and it's a major contributor to who I am. I'm not a religious dude at all and I don't understand people who say they live for one deity or another. I think you should live your life for yourself and, whether or not you believe in any kind of deity, you'll end up coming back as what you deserve to come back as. I do believe in god but I don't believe I'll have to stand up and be judged by anyone at the end of my time here. When I'm gone, soul and body will part and one remain here until it's cremated while the other one will depart for the next phase. Maybe I'll come back as a goat or a dog or a monkey. Maybe I'll come back as someone incredibly smart, an inventor perhaps. Maybe I'll have a chance to right all of my wrongs before I come back again, and if that's the case I'll be in that limbo phase for quite some time so I advise the rest of my loved ones to live as long as possible in order to avoid long lines at the checkout. But I don't think death is something to fear. It's just the beginning of another, possibly better, chapter. It's rather unfortunate that no one living will ever know what actually comes after this. But maybe some things are best left mysteries for now.

Sunday Evening Post

As promised in my last post, many blogs are forthcoming and hopefully I'll be back to posting regularly this week. For now, just Sunday evening cliffnotes about various things on my mind. First of all, thank Jeebus Obama was re-elected and congratulations to all you women-folk for being able to keep your rights. Well done, America. And how hilarious was it when the Romney campaign said Ohio had not officially gone blue and then Fox News refused to acknowledge the state had been called? I almost wanted to click over just to watch the ridiculousness but couldn't force myself to actually click to that channel. I saw this tweet the morning after that summed up two of my favorite things at once; the Titanic and Romney getting his ass kicked:

Second, my little brother has been in and out of the hospital the last few weeks with issues relating to his brain tumor and the seizures it causes. They've changed his meds and he's doing better now but he'll have to monitor the tumor more closely. Upside: we now have weekly doctor's appointments in common. He always has to copy me.

Last but not least, I learned a very important lesson via text today - do not ask anyone you know is a smartass to tell you something slow. Because you will be 80 before they finish the sentence. But it provided a hell of a laugh.

Me: Tell me you love it. Tell me real slow
Friend: I
Friend: Loooove

(5 minutes elapse)

Me: Before I'm 40

(1 minute later)

Friend: It
Me: That is the last time I ask you to say anything slowly
Friend: Lol I see your clothing went out of style in the process
Me: LOL. When you started talking I was dancing disco. And now Vanilla Ice is popular. Damn this war
Friend: LOL Damn this war

"Now I Have Three Kids And No Monies, Why Can't I Have No Kids And Three Monies?" - Homer J. Simpson

Remember how I bragged awhile back about the nifty new app on my phone (called Evernote) that lets me blog whenever, wherever? Yeah, well the drawback to that is sometimes the magic do not make it to the blog. I have at least a dozen posts that I've yet to put up. Coming attractions: Pregnancy scares (Oooooh!), ER visits (No way!), Blind dates (Wow!), and Secrets (Crazy, yo!). Of course, that's provided all of that makes it to the blog and doesn't linger in the purgatory that is Evernote. This is an especially precarious time to catch up on all that considering the app was just updated and I'm not sure how to use it now. And it's also a busy time in general. I'm possibly moving again, work is insane and money be tight, yo. I can deal with the first two issues on my own, but that last one is slightly out of my hands at the moment. The dude I rented my apartment to is now almost a week late with his rent check and I'm annoyed. It's beyond annoyed now actually. I'm pissed off that he's messing with my life and finances. I have bills due the next few days and was counting on that money. Dude dodges my calls, ignores my texts and occasionally shoots off an email about the situation. Having gone to his/my place and surveyed the situation, I think the reason for his late payment is him having money woes of his own and possibly familial issues. I know he's married with a young son and the last time I was there I saw significant changes to the living room; no more family pictures and a box of kid's stuff near the door. The last thing I want to do is make his life more difficult if his wife did in fact leave him, but I can't have sympathy for him or arrange some sort of payment plan if he doesn't let me know what's going on. My brother, who is the co-owner and co-landlord of the joint, thinks this may be my fault to begin with. Last month the guy inquired about paying his rent in two installments and I agreed. My brother was against it, saying we had to stick to the original plan and agreement of payment every month with no exceptions. But the dude seemed really preoccupied and concerned about something so I gave in. He did pay last month, on time and in two installments as agreed upon. But this month he's gone MIA since last weekend. To top it all off we had an exchange the other day where he accused me of being "confused" about our arrangement, claiming the installment thing was our new permanent agreement. Hell to the no homeboy. I confirmed twice with him last month that he'd pay all at once on the fifth. It is now the tenth and I have less than a quarter of what is due. If it's not paid in full by Monday evening, dude is getting evicted. We'll see what happens.
While my brother and I were debating whether or not to give this guy an extension last month, I ended the convo by pointing out an event from our childhood involving money. We went through a rough time money-wise after my grandmother died. My mom was alone with three kids and the household had lost one of its breadwinners. At one point mom had been laid off from her job and went on unemployment, which also made it necessary for us to go on welfare. But mom was determined not to stay on it for long and once she found a job and got back on her feet, we were done with food stamps. None of us liked the feeling of being on government assistance and have all been determined to never go back to that place. I've nothing against it obviously, I'm glad it was there to help us survive, but the feeling of being one of "those" people was not good. Granted, not having enough money to buy food is very different than not being able to pay your rent on an expensive ass apartment. But I still thought it was better to give the guy a break. Maybe it was the wrong decision. Time will tell I suppose.

Planet Of The Idiots

G: I feel bad though. I wanna do something to help you guys and your city.

Y: Donate blood?

Me: Nobody wants your blood, it was brewed in Canada.

G: You know I don't like needles. And it's not like I just have a couple pints lying around the house to FedEx.

G: I know! I'll send helper monkeys for the clean up!

Me: LOL. Because you have those lying around the house to FedEx?

G: lol Yes. I always keep helper monkeys on hand in case of an emergency.

Elect With Excitement

A few months ago my friend G got all hot under the collar after a political discussion with his Republican relative turned nasty, as they so often do for those of us with politically divided (read: stupid Republicans in our) families. G seethed for about fifteen minutes and kept saying, "He's voting for Romney! Mitt Fucking Romney!" and I found it hilarious. As a result, everyone in my circle has referred to the Republican Presidential candidate by that moniker. I woke up this morning to cell phone issues and took to Facebook to let everyone know my texts were a bit wonky and scrolled through my wall to catch up. Halfway down my wall was one of these new ads Facebook is forcing on us, apparently they thought it would be a fantastic idea for me to 'Like' Mitt Romney. Mitt Fucking Romney. I reported it as spam and posted a status update urging my peeps to vote and logged out ASAP. I guess it is kind of a big day, huh? But at the same time it might not be as big of a day as we think. Some ballots may be delayed until tomorrow or even the end of the week, which would mean we won't know who actually wins until then. Fingers crossed it's Obama, I cannot fathom how fucked we are if Romney becomes President. As one of my Facebook friends put it, "Four years ago America went black...will she go back?". Your move, America.

Now You're Just Somebody That I Used To Know

...Stop me if you've heard this one before. So after that whole thing the other day not only did she refuse to apologize, but she proceeded to hang up yet again because she was "offended" by something I said. WE texted sparingly for most of the day and then I got word this morning that my brother has been hospitalized for the second time in a week. Both times have involved seizures related to his brain tumor and now there's some discussion about him having surgery soon. I made the mistake of mentioning all of this to her and she was supportive and wanted to talk about what was going on. Things weren't okay (they never are between us) but at least we weren't arguing and she got that I was stressed and chose not to add to that stress. Until this evening, that is. Although I guess it began in the afternoon when she said she wanted to come hang out with me while I awaited news on my brother. I was working and really not in a good mood so I declined the invite and told her I wasn't hanging with anyone because I had to get some work done and that was my way of coping with things. Miss Drama has to take it personally, claiming it was as if I'd said I didn't want to see her specifically during this time. I told her I had zero energy to fight with her and she let it go. Then we talked tonight and she had to go for "a few", which always means like twenty minutes with her. This time it was more like an hour and while she was gone a couple of friends called me and I talked to each for awhile. Both friends are female and I've known one since junior high and the other for about a decade. I text both on a daily basis and talk to one every week or so and the other one every couple of weeks. They're both most definitely a part of my inner circle, which includes friends and family, all of whom I text throughout a typical day.
When I got back on the phone with Drama she asked if I had talked to anyone else about the bro situation and I mentioned that I'd talked to the junior high friend. Things took a very unexpected turn when she started asking how often I talk to this person. I consider talking on the phone or in person and texting to all be covered under the umbrella of "talking" so I said we talk about three times a day. Her definition of talking does not include texting so she took that to mean we talk on the phone three times a day and began reacting as if that was what I said. She said that was excessive for someone I wasn't dating and then proceeded to ask why we weren't together, since we talk so much and seem so compatible and all. I told her it was a ridiculous question, this is one of my best friends who is practically married to another of my best friends and that I don't feel like I should be punished for keeping close relationships with the people I love. She claimed to not be telling me who I should and shouldn't talk to but it was clear that was her motive. She said I should go be with this friend and we should be happy, etc and I was thrown. It made no sense. Then she asked why my last relationship ended and I told her it was complicated, firmly committed to not contributing to her fantasies about me and other chicks. She continued on this path anyway and I slowly started to realize this was "that" conversation; the one where one party insinuates goodbye in an attempt to get the other party to take it the rest of the way. Part of me was in total disbelief that she would do this today of all days but the other part was thinking, 'yeah, that's about right'. She can never see beyond her own problems or tiny little inconveniences, it's always about her. She didn't even take the convo halfway towards a goodbye, she got to about 35% and I was done. I brought us to the end in record time, telling her I couldn't believe how she'd started this convo and how heartless she was to essentially try to dump me while my family is in crisis. She claimed she never tried to dump me and I was flabbergasted. It's like that thing that gives us our perception of a reality is completely lacking in her brain. She'll say or do something hurtful and then not remember it at all ten minutes later. There was a guy in the movie "50 First Dates" they called Ten Second Tom because he had memory issues and could only remember ten seconds worth of stuff. May as well call her Ten Second Tammy cuz the same rule seems to apply.
Things got even uglier when she told me she had wasted two years of her life on me (which isn't even true. She first messaged me on a dating site in January of last year and we exchanged maybe two emails at that time. We fell out of contact until maybe May and didn't get serious-ish until the summer so it's a year and a half at the most). That pissed me off and I made a comment about how she could "waste" the next two years of her life and the waterworks began. No emotion whatsoever the entire convo until that moment, which was telling but not surprising. She went all uber-drama and said she didn't want to know me anymore and that I "wasn't human" for having said what I did and I told her to look in a mirror if she wanted an example of someone who lacked basic human qualities. Then I made her dream of not knowing me a reality and hung up. But she continued to text, same way she always does. She asked me to call her back and I refused. Eventually she said that the one thing she didn't mean to say was that she'd wasted her time with me but it was too late. I was so far out the door and down the block at that point that a search party couldn't have found me and brought me back. I knew this was it so I told her she could call if she had anymore to say and then she said something that gave me the best laugh I've had all day. She says to me, she says, "I have nothing to say to you on the phone until you apologize for what you said to me". I literally laughed out loud and told her she must be joking and said goodnight. She replied with goodbye and a few minutes later sent another text that said she did have a heart and it was broken. Not my problem anymore.
I am an incredibly loyal person and once I think you is good people, it takes a rather monumental fuck up to get me to change my mind about that. But once that fuck up happens, I will be done with you. No amount of apologies or backtracking will change it. I felt myself hit that tonight when she started trying to steer me towards other women, but it was made official when I realized she was ending things. I really don't care if you dump me but to do it during a crisis is incredibly cruel and makes me question everything about our time together. How can you be that damn selfish and still claim to love me in the same breath? I don't understand that. She said she thought I hadn't felt the same way about her in a long time and on that she was correct. I haven't felt the same way the past year or so but that hasn't been a secret to her, especially since we've been on and off. And I highly doubt she ever was in love with me and I'm sure she isn't now because you don't fuck over somebody you love like this. I'm sure more revelations will come to me as I process all of this but what I'm left with now is this question of whether or not there really is something wrong with her. She always talks about her mother and brother being a bit messed up in the head because of things in their past but I don't think they're the only ones. She doesn't grasp things the way normal people do. It isn't my issue anymore but it still seems so bizarre to me. You say you wasted your time on me and try to ditch me and then have the stones to ask ME for an apology? That doesn't make sense. But it's a dissection for another time. We'll see if she resurfaces tomorrow...

I Must Be Too Dumb To Be Proud

A few days ago this person I was most recently romantically involved with texted me in the midst of all the Hurricane Sandy drama. I'm still not sure what the aim was but it was under the guise of her wanting to make sure I was okay and prepped and so on. I was a bit concerned because she lives in Lower Manhattan and they were expected to (and did) get hit rather hard, so we talked for a few. And, of course, she had other major drama going on and I got sucked in yet again. Why I cannot fully extricate myself from this nightmare of a situation is beyond me at this point. Even when it does "end", it's never really over. But I know it has to be sooner rather than later or it's going to literally cause me to self-destruct. Most of our conversations anymore leave me with my blood boiling in a way it rarely has in the past and that's not healthy. On top of the hurricane issues, her youngest brother had gone missing for two days. He didn't show up for a scheduled visit with his daughter and then proceeded to cease all contact with everyone in his life. She was worried something terrible had happened and both she and her mother were already on the alarmist path, but I never had a doubt he was just on a bender. Still, as I always do when it comes to her family, I kept my suspicions to myself. The night before the hurricane hit we texted before bed and she kept saying she wanted me with her in case she got bad news about her brother, who I assume has since turned up and is just fine since she hasn't mentioned him again. I wasn't in the city and had no intention of venturing out until the storm was over, especially not to a place that was going to be hit hard. The next day the weather took a turn as Sandy started heading towards us and just about everything was closed or about to close, including many modes of transportation. Some cabs were still running though and even as late as four o'clock on Monday she was trying to get me out to be with her. "You can still get a cab if you leave now," she said - in a damn hurricane that is projected to be one of the worst in history. Hell. No. If we were 100% in this and together then I would already be with you but we're on the shakiest ground known to man right now. I chose to stay put but she checked in during the storm to make sure all was okay. Apparently she spent that evening at her house with a friend's dog and her place was one that had power cut to it (and still does). She tried to guilt me into coming to see her even after the storm by continuously throwing out there that she'd been alone and insinuating she shouldn't have been and it was my fault that she was. I didn't take the bait. She hiked uptown to stay with a friend who does have power and has been camped out there ever since. I've been busy so I haven't checked in with her much and we all know she doesn't talk to me when she's around her friends so her texts have also been sporadic. Part of my sporadic...ness though is that I know this is the time to begin pulling away for good. Things are about to get very busy for me and I'm seriously considering spending the rest of my year back home with my family, which will hopefully aid in ending this. I'm not sure if she's still here because she actually cares about me or because I'm just her favorite sparring partner. But incidents like the past few days certainly don't make me wanna stick around.
The past few days all I have heard from her is how she's a "refugee", staying in a one-bedroom apartment along with five other people until power is restored to their homes. Obviously I am sympathetic to those who don't have power because it sucks and I know how dependent we all are on electricity. I also know what it's like to be displaced, not only because of my sublet this year but also because when I was a teenager my mom, sibs and I lived out of a hotel for about a month after we were evicted from our home. I understand how much it sucks to not be in your own bed but, as she is prone to do, she's turned it into a bigger deal than it needs to be. Especially when you consider how many people lost their homes entirely, that have NOWHERE to go back to. I'm sympathetic but I keep things in perspective and on a grand scale, her displacement and lack of power is minor. Be thankful you have friends who will take you in and wait it out. She said she might move to another friend's house in my neck of the woods tomorrow and I cringed on the inside because I really don't want that to happen. I backed off a bit on the texting after she said that because I knew what was coming next; "If I do move out there, let's hang out". I don't want to have the conversation about ending things again and feel like meeting up would only lead to that and not much else so I'm trying to avoid it altogether. Last night she went to dinner with her friends and we didn't talk but she texted me throughout the evening. I noticed her texts seemed a bit scattered, which usually happens when she drinks so I asked if she had been drinking. She got offended and said she hadn't and went to bed. Today we sporadically texted again and then she asked this evening what I was doing. I didn't see the text at first and responded to something else she'd said and she came back with the same question, "What are you doing?". I just said nothing of note since all I was doing was working and didn't understand why she needed to know so badly. I asked her what she was up to and her reply was, "Nothing of value. Just surviving", and I had a feeling she actually had been drinking tonight. We talked on the phone for a few but once I confirmed she was (at least) tipsy I lost interest in the conversation. I'm the last one to toss around judgment about substances, but it's never been a secret that I don't like how much she drinks. It's less than it used to be (to my knowledge anyway) but it still irks me to talk to her when she's been drinking. Her personality changes and she gets very needy, constantly needing to be reassured of things (other times she just gets mean but she wasn't that tonight). Throughout the convo she kept repeating that she was on a couch and couldn't talk loud but the problem was that she wasn't talking at all. It was just dead air and I know that means she's passing out so I tried to get off the phone. That was met with, "Yeah, I know you want to go" and other melodramatic words. Finally I got her to say goodnight and I said the same and hung up. Imagine my surprise thirty seconds later when I got a text saying she's "so fucking sick" of me hanging up on her. Excuse me?? This was the second time today that she accused me of that, earlier we'd talked and I said 'bye' and then hung up and she claimed to not have heard it. Even though I was annoyed at the latest accusation, I called her back to give her the proper goodbye she had supposedly never gotten. Suddenly, with the prospect of a fight on the horizon, she perked right up and was all kindsa talkative. Then she has the cojones to next that if I tell her I said goodbye then I'm "kidding" myself. Game. On. I told her she wasn't exactly the most reliable source about who said what given her drunkenness and the way she was repeating shit. That launched her into a tirade about how dare I not want to talk to her after she's been drinking after all I've put her through in the past. Because that's the card she always has at the ready. I started to say something but she hung up on me. And I didn't call back. I have no desire to. If she delivers an apology for accusing me of hanging up on her, then maybe we'll talk again. If she sticks by her story that her drunk off her ass recollection of events is more reliable than my sober one, then I have absolutely no desire to talk to her. It's an apology or bust and it really doesn't matter to me either way. I'm guessing there isn't one forthcoming though. Which will likely bring about our final end. Which is probably for the best.