Have Some More Turkey, Eat You Some Pie

This year marked the first year in...well, ever that I have not been able to go home for Thanksgiving (because of that jackass subletter holding my money hostage, but I digress). It was an extremely depressing thing once I did the math and knew I couldn't go home but things didn't end up being as terrible as I thought. And in hindsight, it's a good thing I didn't splurge on plane tickets home because I needed that cash for other things (and no, not for hookahs). I ended up spending the day with some family; four cousins, the teenager and my brother-in-law. We basically made the same spread that we usually have when we go home but there were some major differences in our feast. For one, nothing really went wrong. If you've read here for awhile you know that my family's turkey days are infamous for one or more things going wrong. The last five years or so, we've eaten at like 8pm because of one issue or another. Prior to that, my cousin came out just before we sat down to the dinner table. Our family holidays are always entertaining but, as we all advise our guests before they come over, you should definitely eat breakfast and maybe even brunch. A timely meal, Thanksgiving is not in our household. Miraculously, we ate dinner at a reasonable hour this year and it was very...Twilight Zone-esque. Like even as we're eating, there's this eerie feeling of wondering if we'd done something wrong. It's still light-ish outside and we're eating Thanksgiving dinner? That's crazy talk! I am thankful for my fancy iPhone app that allows me to write whenever I want because I was able to take notes on some of what happened this year. Read on for a young lad's chronicle of chipmunks, turkey, football and Weird Al.

~ My niece asks me why the chipmunks wanted a plane that loops the loop and a hula hoop for Christmas. I tell her those things were in fashion then. She asks if the reason they wanted those toys was because they were poor and couldn't afford "good" toys. She makes a good point. A single man raising three chipmunks has got to be expensive.

~ I am being forced to listen to the New Kids On The Block Christmas album in its entirety (a yearly occurrence), while my cousin and cousin-in-law exchange notes on which new kid they crushed on in the 80s. One of them idolized Danny but now wishes she was a Joey girl because apparently he has aged the best. OMG this is lame!

~ While watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade, I see various incarnations of the Power Rangers dancing. Yes, dancing. I know it's a rough economy but still. The Power Rangers do karate and have awesome toys and take orders from a hologram and a robot, they should not be made to dance like they're some kind of holiday strippers. Is nothing sacred anymore? They also remind us that the Rangers will be turning 20 in 2013 and a little part of me reacts to this revelation by hoping that the world really does end next month.

~ I don't like Houston or Detroit but that game was something to see. Terrible officiating and eight billion missed chances to end it in OT. Tres entertaining.

~ Newsflash: If you nickname your turkeys Homer and Marge, you should expect that Homer is going to give you trouble. And indeed he did.

~ The Cowboys alllllmost came back to win their game, which makes it two games thus far that have been close and pretty entertaining. Will the Jets and Patriots make it a holiday hat trick of close games?

~ The answer would be no. FOUR turnovers by New York in the second quarter. Ouch.

~ After two glasses of wine, I realize that I have become what is commonly referred to as a "cheap date". I stumbled off the couch and nearly face-planted on the floor after that second glass. They say you need food in your system to soak up any alcohol but apparently not even a Thanksgiving feast is enough for this lightweight. I wonder if having another piece of pumpkin cheesecake will help? Oh alright, I'll have one.

~ The highlight of the day? The following conversation:

Friend: Will you?
Me: Will I what?
Friend: Love me more today than yesterday
Me: ...(dramatic pause)...
Me: And IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-E-IIIIIIIIIIIIIII will always love youuuuuuu. IIIIIIIIIIII-E-IIIII will always love you. IIIIII will always love youuuuuuuuu
Friend: LOL
---
Friend: I'm making a cheese spread with brie cheese, pecans and apricot 
Friend: My sisters and I are getting together for hootchie night
Me: Sign me up!
Friend: You can be the honorary male hootchie
Friend: We'll probably watch sex and the city...or magic mike
Me: Oh...well I can always just get drunk and not care what we're watching
Friend: And eat my spread....EAT IIIIIIIT!!!
Me: LOL Totally went gutter
Friend: Lol That's how we do
Me: ...(dramatic pause)...
Me: Just eeeeat it! Eeeeeat it! Have some more turkey, eat you some pie, something something I don't know the words die. Just eat it
Friend: LMAO!!! That was worth the wait, I fuckin' love you
Friend: Eat you some pie LOL

And finally, my sister's youngest son spent Thanksgiving afternoon and night in the hospital because of a bad ear infection. Get well soon little dude!