You know the flip side of all the methods o' communication we have these days? There's always a way for someone to contact you. I blocked or deleted BP from my main methods of communication long ago, but I swear to you she has a way of knowing when I've downloaded a new app or something because she popped up again on Father's Day. I didn't engage, I'm smarter than that now, but she kept on sending messages down the line. And I felt sad. Because she seems to be stuck in the same place she always was. For a long time I was angry with her, very angry, but now I don't feel anything towards her. However, I'm always a little saddened when I see someone not growing. The last communication between us during our official relationship was a long email I sent her detailing things from my end, and it included the passage, "If you're so incredibly unhappy with the way things are and the state of your life, as you claimed a few weeks back, then change it. Because if you don't, you'll just remain in that unhappiness for the rest of your life.". I said this for many reasons. The first being that BP told me about dozens of plans she had to do this thing or that one, but she never did any of them in the end. She told me she hated managing someone else's career and dreams and would never do it again, then proceeded to take two jobs doing exactly that. And on the last occasion where we spoke, she was overseas doing that very same job and telling me about how unhappy she was and how she wanted to change her life. That exchange was months ago. And now she comes with the exact same ish. That's what's sad to me.
A large part of the end of this particular relationship was BP's habit of getting immersed in work to the detriment of all else in her life. I don't honestly think she knew what to do if she wasn't hustling 24/7 and working to make someone else's dreams come true. When she was unemployed, drinking, going out and shopping were how she passed the time and eventually it bored her (not to mention, racked up a ton of debt). She's never really grasped that you can be great at your job and still balance a personal life. Early in our relationship, she made a comment about how part of my appeal was that I never wanted anything from her and I didn't care what her previous job had been, or that she was in between jobs when we met. But I think that appeal only lasted so long for her and was eventually twisted in her mind to me not wanting to be with someone who worked when, in reality, I just didn't want to be with someone who put blinders on when they went to work. Despite my lack of any reply to her messages, she sent another one yesterday saying letting this go to hell was her biggest regret because, "It was real, and I got distracted with things that will not last". It was nice to finally hear her say something that was true, but I still had no comment. She continued on to say part of her wants to just chuck the career ish and be a housewife and that she really wants to fully commit to someone and focus on her personal life. These are the same things I've heard over and over again. I so badly wanted to ask what was different about this time versus all the other times, but I didn't. Somehow, she read my mind because she offered up, "I know you're thinking you've heard all this before, and you're right. I've been overseas for six weeks but I'll be back soon for a full eight weeks and I will definitely make changes". Well great, I hope she does. But if this is some sort of plot to try and woo me back, it's far from effective. The funny thing about people is that they're bound to get wise eventually when you fuck them over every time they open up to you. I have no interest in revisiting that part of my life, or that relationship.
Having been able to look at all this BP stuff with a brand new set of eyes, eyes that long ago ditched the wool that had been pulled over them, I've realized some things. First, I don't believe BP to be as bad a person as some of my friends do. I understand their view, and I get that some of those views come from how she treated me, but I don't see her as the devil by any means. I feel like BP's life has never been her own and the contempt and confusion she has about that manifests itself in some ugly ways, like always going for self-preservation and just being plain mean when she sees no other way out of things. I can recall the beginning of our time together and remember that person I was really into as funny, smart and quite charming. We could've become really good friends had things gone in another direction and I'd not experienced that flip side of her personality, which I think probably only comes out when in a relationship. Do I feel the need to become friends with her? Not at all, that's not a friendship that is possible or that would add to my life in any way. But the possibility of it was there all those years ago. Second, I think BP's fixation with me has everything to do with her not wanting to put in the effort and time to find someone else. She had her longterm on/off ex and then me and that pretty much makes up her serious dating history. I can relate to not wanting to start over, no one does, but sometimes the past is just too much to overcome, as is the case here. I've often thought she'd probably end up with that other ex as they seem cut from the same workaholic cloth, but perhaps he's dating someone else and is not an option. She knows I'm single so she believes the possibility of an "us" exists. If I thought replying to her messages would bring any kind of closure or clarity, I would tell her that this is not going to happen. We can't be friends, and we probably shouldn't even really be acquaintances. Whatever chance there was for any of that has long since passed and she needs to move on and find something else. I'm not inclined to believe she will change anything in her life, though I do hope I am wrong because I feel like she really does want the things she speaks of. But it's one thing to want them and another thing to make them happen. I'm sure she'd think I was being preachy about change, and that it's ridiculous that I, the mortal enemy of change, would be singing its praises but when it's necessary, you gotta do it. I've changed so much since we started dating, to when things got nasty, to when it ended and up until now. I could never go back to that routine, and I've recently realized I can't be with someone who isn't growing and learning everyday. What's the point of living if we're not doing that?
I do hope she finds whatever it is she wants and is looking for, be it career success or contentment in her personal life. I did care for her deeply at one time and, despite all we went through, I still wish her the best. But if I had a penny for every time she told me she was going to radically alter her work life so that it didn't negatively impact her personal life, I could retire right now. The odd thing is I know she is capable of being a good partner even while working, there were two or three times where she made a real effort to do so and things were so much more chilled between us. But she just doesn't choose to be that way all the time, and that's when trouble starts. As an eternal optimist, I stuck it out for a long ass time, hoping change would come. But one person can't change a relationship all by themselves, both parties have to commit to trying to do ish. I hope she at least took that lesson from our time together and that it helps her down the line.
