Optimism. I've always been able to get through ish because I'm blessed with a healthy dose of optimism. If you can find the humor in things and combine that with optimism, you're even better off. I'm lucky enough to be able to do that too, most times. When I departed on my holiday trip home last week, I was on a bit of a high. Things had been going pretty well and I was looking forward to chilling out with the family, watching football and stuffing my face. There were many uncertainties about the future, not just for me but for members of my family, that could've had me overthinking and feeling less than stellar but I chose not to let them get to me. And then I actually got home. The weekend was great, but Monday came around and brought some ridiculousness. Tuesday brought more ridiculousness. And all the ridiculousness will continue through the holiday week and into next weekend, which I'm nervous about. I didn't sleep well last night because I'm stressed as all hell and stress causes the anemia to flare up something fierce, so now there's that. It really is amazing how one can go from being pretty darn good to not wanting to get out their PJ's in record time. And I didn't get out of my PJ's until after noon today. Part of it was because I didn't feel well, but the other part was that I'm almost afraid to ask, "What's next?" when it comes to the run of luck my family has been having this week. And getting up and into presentable clothes and going about your day has the unwanted side effect of progressing time and bringing around the next day and all it's uncertainty.
I spent half the day moping around and overthinking ish and asking myself why I bother to lead with optimism (which is way out of character for me). A month ago, optimism was the obvious choice and it worked out pretty well for me. But this time around...it feels misplaced. It feels like I keep waking up with a huge smile on my face, telling myself I can handle whatever comes down the line, only to be punched right in the face the minute I leave the confines of my room. Thinking about all this began to further depress me, so I decided to get out of my PJ's and make something of the day and go back to being optimistic. And, again, not long after I got that smile on my face, I took another punch. And now here I am writing about it in an effort to try and make sense of things and figure out if it's worth it to be optimistic tomorrow. There's good news in that the fam and I will probably be able to financially handle some things this weekend, which is a luxury I know not everyone has (and frankly, we barely have too). There's good news in that things could always be worse, but they're not and I'm thankful for that. And there's good news in that everyone is here and healthy (except for me at the moment). What bothers me is the uncertainty of everything. Last month, I was able to push the uncertainty aside and be super optimistic that things would work themselves out. But this week feels like a test of some sort. I don't know what's being tested, or why, or why it has to involve certain other people who do not deserve this mess right now. But I know there's no choice other than to go through it and get to the other side. I already knew the holidays would be extra stressful for other reasons and I chose to be optimistic about it all then. Maybe it will be misplaced but I have no other option but to give optimism one last shot.
Tuesday, November 24, 2015
Thursday, November 19, 2015
Have A Feeling, Now Believing That You Were The One I Was Meant To Be With
So like a moron, I decided to get my life together and stuff prior to the holidays arriving. I have a ton o' work to do, I have to clean out my storage space (and my house, really) and I wanted to get all of this done before I leave for the holiday. And then, life intervened. I caught a touch of some kinda weird sinus/cold/plague thing that is annoying the hell outta me. I don't care for being sick at all, no one does obviously, but the issue is that I generally feel okay, I just can't breathe all that well. And breathing tends to be essential to being alive and stuff, so that's a problem. In spite of this and the other goings on in my life that are uncertain, my newfound super optimism continued to burn bright. And then, Friday the 13th. I'm not super superstitious in life (only in sports), and a friend told me awhile back that any day, even one with an ominous date, is what you make of it. If you believe it's jinxed, it will be and if you don't believe, then you'll be a-ok. Well, she was half right.
I'm a firm believer in the idea that the universe will bring you what you need when you need it, most of the time. I also believe everything happens for a reason. A few nights ago, I had a very vivid dream about one of my better exes. I woke up and thought, "Huh.". It wasn't a bad dream, nor a good one, but the timing was interesting for many reasons. I put it aside and moved on. This morning I was unable to breathe whilst lying down so I got up at the damn crack of dawn and scrolled through some of that social media the kids are all on. Something popped up in my feed talking about how it's difficult for some Libras to fully embrace the concept of love, despite the fact that it's what they desperately want. Reading it was like a word for word explanation of why this ex and I didn't make it to the finish line; "You have so much love to give and of course in return, you want that genuine love back. The thing is, you want it so badly but you often don't know what to do with it.". I read that and was like, "Yep, that's her". I thought it was odd I was reading this after having had that dream recently and my mind started to wonder if the universe was trying to tell me something. And it was, in the final line of the post: "All it takes is the right person to bring the love out of you.". That struck me as, "Slow yo roll, homeboy. If you'd been the right person, ya'll would've worked out.". Again, I put this outta my mind and moved on.
Cold and sinus issues be damned, I decided to spend my Friday night out. And then the universe intervened again when I ran into the very ex I'd been dreaming/reading about and her BFF. It was awkward for a moment, but not painfully so. They invited me to eat with them and I declined, however we talked for about ten minutes. I asked about her son (still sounds odd to say) and how work was going and was happy to hear she's doing well. I left and thought that was the end of it. But the next night we crossed paths again and it ended up being more painfully awkward than I ever imagined a conversation could be. She was talking a mile a minute and saying I'd been on her mind for a few months now and she didn't know how to approach me with what she wanted to say. She went on to tell me that it has occurred to her in last year what we had, how rare it was and how much I loved her. She apologized for some things, particularly not seeing what we had sooner. She said she never meant to string me along over the years of occasional hook ups, but it wasn't necessary to apologize for that. I know her and I know the intention wasn't to lead me on, we were both honest about what was happening as it was happening. Then it went from apologize and analyzing what went wrong to her floating the thought of her and I becoming an "us" again. Aaaaaaand cue the pain in my chest. I adored this woman, and I mean A-DORED this woman for years. During our years together, if you'd asked me what my dream girl was like, I would've pointed you in her direction. Our split was ridiculously painful and I pined for year for years afterward, whether we were still hooking up or not. She was it for me. It wasn't until I fell for someone else, quite unexpectedly, that I was able to move past her. Everything she was saying right now was everything I'd wanted to hear back then. And that killed. Where was this person back then? Why did it take this long and so much time apart, not to mention two kids between us, to realize how amazing what we had was? That's what I was thinking, but I didn't say any of it to her. Because I knew the answer. And it's simple - she wasn't ready. We were each in different phases of our lives back then and she (unconsciously, perhaps) chose to go another way. I don't think she could see a world where her aspirations and our relationship could coexist. And you know, I probably didn't do all I could to show her the vision I had of the two of us spending our lives together. I've always seen our end as both of our faults. And had her confession come a year or even six months ago, my reaction would probably have been very different than it is now. Or maybe it wouldn't have since we're both parents now. It's not two crazy twenty somethings who are off and on. We're two thirty somethings with beautiful children and great jobs and different lifestyles. Things are different now. I still love her, but I'm not in love with her. I care about her very much and want her to have a happy ending because she is so deserving of it. Unfortunately that happy ending is not with me. And that sucks. But everything for a reason, I guess.
I'm a firm believer in the idea that the universe will bring you what you need when you need it, most of the time. I also believe everything happens for a reason. A few nights ago, I had a very vivid dream about one of my better exes. I woke up and thought, "Huh.". It wasn't a bad dream, nor a good one, but the timing was interesting for many reasons. I put it aside and moved on. This morning I was unable to breathe whilst lying down so I got up at the damn crack of dawn and scrolled through some of that social media the kids are all on. Something popped up in my feed talking about how it's difficult for some Libras to fully embrace the concept of love, despite the fact that it's what they desperately want. Reading it was like a word for word explanation of why this ex and I didn't make it to the finish line; "You have so much love to give and of course in return, you want that genuine love back. The thing is, you want it so badly but you often don't know what to do with it.". I read that and was like, "Yep, that's her". I thought it was odd I was reading this after having had that dream recently and my mind started to wonder if the universe was trying to tell me something. And it was, in the final line of the post: "All it takes is the right person to bring the love out of you.". That struck me as, "Slow yo roll, homeboy. If you'd been the right person, ya'll would've worked out.". Again, I put this outta my mind and moved on.
Cold and sinus issues be damned, I decided to spend my Friday night out. And then the universe intervened again when I ran into the very ex I'd been dreaming/reading about and her BFF. It was awkward for a moment, but not painfully so. They invited me to eat with them and I declined, however we talked for about ten minutes. I asked about her son (still sounds odd to say) and how work was going and was happy to hear she's doing well. I left and thought that was the end of it. But the next night we crossed paths again and it ended up being more painfully awkward than I ever imagined a conversation could be. She was talking a mile a minute and saying I'd been on her mind for a few months now and she didn't know how to approach me with what she wanted to say. She went on to tell me that it has occurred to her in last year what we had, how rare it was and how much I loved her. She apologized for some things, particularly not seeing what we had sooner. She said she never meant to string me along over the years of occasional hook ups, but it wasn't necessary to apologize for that. I know her and I know the intention wasn't to lead me on, we were both honest about what was happening as it was happening. Then it went from apologize and analyzing what went wrong to her floating the thought of her and I becoming an "us" again. Aaaaaaand cue the pain in my chest. I adored this woman, and I mean A-DORED this woman for years. During our years together, if you'd asked me what my dream girl was like, I would've pointed you in her direction. Our split was ridiculously painful and I pined for year for years afterward, whether we were still hooking up or not. She was it for me. It wasn't until I fell for someone else, quite unexpectedly, that I was able to move past her. Everything she was saying right now was everything I'd wanted to hear back then. And that killed. Where was this person back then? Why did it take this long and so much time apart, not to mention two kids between us, to realize how amazing what we had was? That's what I was thinking, but I didn't say any of it to her. Because I knew the answer. And it's simple - she wasn't ready. We were each in different phases of our lives back then and she (unconsciously, perhaps) chose to go another way. I don't think she could see a world where her aspirations and our relationship could coexist. And you know, I probably didn't do all I could to show her the vision I had of the two of us spending our lives together. I've always seen our end as both of our faults. And had her confession come a year or even six months ago, my reaction would probably have been very different than it is now. Or maybe it wouldn't have since we're both parents now. It's not two crazy twenty somethings who are off and on. We're two thirty somethings with beautiful children and great jobs and different lifestyles. Things are different now. I still love her, but I'm not in love with her. I care about her very much and want her to have a happy ending because she is so deserving of it. Unfortunately that happy ending is not with me. And that sucks. But everything for a reason, I guess.
Monday, November 16, 2015
All The Good Things And The Bad Things That May Be
As I write this, it is 3:30 on a Monday afternoon and interwebs are abuzz about Charlie Sheen's "Today" show interview that is scheduled for tomorrow. Reportedly, he is to confirm that a recent blind item that made the rounds, about a Hollywood bad boy who is HIV+ and not disclosing his status to his sexual partners, is indeed about him. While I have no trouble believing that a known drug addict and frequent customer of prostitutes and porn stars has HIV, I am curious as to why he would choose to come out about it now. The rumor has been around for at least a year, having come out in last year's Sony email hack scandal, and for whatever reason the blind item only caught fire last week. As I understand it, Sheen lives in California and that state is cracking down on HIV due to a number of outbreaks on porn sets in the last year. It is illegal in California to not disclose your status to your partner, porn star or not, which means he could face possible prosecution. The announcement doesn't seem worth it, unless he's being forced into it for some other reason that carries worse consequences than prosecution. I guess we'll find out in the morning.
The news of all this broke as we were kinda, sorta ending a meeting at work and the convo immediately took a turn. It's no secret that I used to be a manwhore and Jude still is one, and our personal lives became the focus of, "Ya'll get tested, right?" questions. In this day and age, I don't see how people don't get regularly tested, particularly if they're engaging in risky behavior. Maybe they don't want to know, maybe they just assume they're untouchable (as I believe Sheen thought of himself after decades of debauchery), or maybe they're uninformed and think they're not at risk. Even if you're not whoring around, if you're having sex at all, of any kind, you're still at risk, kids. It is 2015, we should all be well aware of this by now. And yet, the misinformation is still all over the place. That's just sad. I don't have any sympathy for Sheen. he made his bed and now he will lie in it. I feel for his children and his family for all the shit he's put them through and now this. And I can't help but wonder how deep all of this will end up going, since he apparently enjoys hooking up with people without telling them he is HIV+ and without protection. Frankly, if you're banging Charlie Sheen at all, you should take a look at your life decisions and make some changes. But thinking of how many people didn't know, slept with him and then went on to sleep with other people, or get married and have children without knowing they'd even been exposed is insane. I can't comprehend how anyone with an STD doesn't disclose that ish well before they have sex with someone. That's beyond reckless behavior, it's literally playing god and taking someone else's life in your hands. True, HIV and AIDS are no longer the immediate death sentences they once were. But that doesn't mean it's now a cake walk to have either illness. The drug cocktail that helps so many live with HIV/AIDS is ridiculously expensive and even with that, a compromised immune system is no fun to live with (take this from someone who has a compromised immune system). You have to be vigilant and take precautions in many areas of your life. For the rest of your life.
If all the allegations of Sheen's behavior post-diagnosis are true, then karma will hand him whatever he deserves in the coming years. It's already handed him his HIV+ diagnosis. But I will lose my ish if any news outlet tries to turn his story into some big, inspirational tale of living with HIV. This isn't some innocent kid who was born with the disease through no fault of their own, or someone who needed a life-saving blood transfusion that ended up being tainted. This is a grown ass man who fucked his way through life and used his status as a celebrity to to indulge in sketchy shit for decades now. No one deserves to contract an STD, but when you play with fire, you better be expecting to get burned at some point. I'd be shocked if this was the first or only STD he's ever had. Sex with prostitutes and sharing needles will do that to you. If anything, I would hope this draws attention to the fact that HIV isn't just a "gay disease" (yes, I know he also slept with men, and the media will focus on that, but it's very possible he contracted it from or gave it to women). No matter your color, no matter your gender and no matter your sexual preference, if you're having sex, you ARE at risk for contracting HIV, as well as any other STD. Get tested, ya'll.
The news of all this broke as we were kinda, sorta ending a meeting at work and the convo immediately took a turn. It's no secret that I used to be a manwhore and Jude still is one, and our personal lives became the focus of, "Ya'll get tested, right?" questions. In this day and age, I don't see how people don't get regularly tested, particularly if they're engaging in risky behavior. Maybe they don't want to know, maybe they just assume they're untouchable (as I believe Sheen thought of himself after decades of debauchery), or maybe they're uninformed and think they're not at risk. Even if you're not whoring around, if you're having sex at all, of any kind, you're still at risk, kids. It is 2015, we should all be well aware of this by now. And yet, the misinformation is still all over the place. That's just sad. I don't have any sympathy for Sheen. he made his bed and now he will lie in it. I feel for his children and his family for all the shit he's put them through and now this. And I can't help but wonder how deep all of this will end up going, since he apparently enjoys hooking up with people without telling them he is HIV+ and without protection. Frankly, if you're banging Charlie Sheen at all, you should take a look at your life decisions and make some changes. But thinking of how many people didn't know, slept with him and then went on to sleep with other people, or get married and have children without knowing they'd even been exposed is insane. I can't comprehend how anyone with an STD doesn't disclose that ish well before they have sex with someone. That's beyond reckless behavior, it's literally playing god and taking someone else's life in your hands. True, HIV and AIDS are no longer the immediate death sentences they once were. But that doesn't mean it's now a cake walk to have either illness. The drug cocktail that helps so many live with HIV/AIDS is ridiculously expensive and even with that, a compromised immune system is no fun to live with (take this from someone who has a compromised immune system). You have to be vigilant and take precautions in many areas of your life. For the rest of your life.
If all the allegations of Sheen's behavior post-diagnosis are true, then karma will hand him whatever he deserves in the coming years. It's already handed him his HIV+ diagnosis. But I will lose my ish if any news outlet tries to turn his story into some big, inspirational tale of living with HIV. This isn't some innocent kid who was born with the disease through no fault of their own, or someone who needed a life-saving blood transfusion that ended up being tainted. This is a grown ass man who fucked his way through life and used his status as a celebrity to to indulge in sketchy shit for decades now. No one deserves to contract an STD, but when you play with fire, you better be expecting to get burned at some point. I'd be shocked if this was the first or only STD he's ever had. Sex with prostitutes and sharing needles will do that to you. If anything, I would hope this draws attention to the fact that HIV isn't just a "gay disease" (yes, I know he also slept with men, and the media will focus on that, but it's very possible he contracted it from or gave it to women). No matter your color, no matter your gender and no matter your sexual preference, if you're having sex, you ARE at risk for contracting HIV, as well as any other STD. Get tested, ya'll.
Sunday, November 8, 2015
And Here's To You, Mrs. Robin Fong, Crazy Aunt's More Racist Than We Knew
On All Hallow's Eve, one of my friends who I never thought would get hitched actually tied the knot with his longtime girlfriend. He grew up in a war zone of a house and swore off marriage and kids for years, and the girlfriend wasn't crazy about the idea of marriage either. But they sort of rededicated themselves to the relationship at the beginning of the year and got engaged and married all within about a month. The wedding was awesome, in part because my newly single sister-in-law had her eyes set on a wedding guest from the bride's side. And then...well...
Me: Just go over there and ask him to dance already. I'm tired of you staring at him.
Sis-In-Law: Okay, I'm gonna go ask!
AK: Wait...who are we talking about?
Sis-In-Law: The guy over there in the red.
AK: [Long pause] He's 17. He's one of the bride's cousins.
[Table erupts in boisterous laughter]
Me: Way to go, Jared. You know, from Subway. You know, cuz he liked-
Sis-In-Law: Oh my god!
A: Here's to you, Mrs. Robinson!
Crazy Aunt: No, Mijo. She's an Asian cougar. It should be, Mrs. Robin Fong.
A: That is so unbelievably racist.
Crazy Aunt: Oh calm down! It's not racist if you're being racist towards family!
Me: Uh...I do believe racism is racism.
AK: Who cares? I say you go ahead and get your groove back, Stella!
In her defense, dude did look to be in at least his twenties. I cannot wait to spend the holidays with these people.
Me: Just go over there and ask him to dance already. I'm tired of you staring at him.
Sis-In-Law: Okay, I'm gonna go ask!
AK: Wait...who are we talking about?
Sis-In-Law: The guy over there in the red.
AK: [Long pause] He's 17. He's one of the bride's cousins.
[Table erupts in boisterous laughter]
Me: Way to go, Jared. You know, from Subway. You know, cuz he liked-
Sis-In-Law: Oh my god!
A: Here's to you, Mrs. Robinson!
Crazy Aunt: No, Mijo. She's an Asian cougar. It should be, Mrs. Robin Fong.
A: That is so unbelievably racist.
Crazy Aunt: Oh calm down! It's not racist if you're being racist towards family!
Me: Uh...I do believe racism is racism.
AK: Who cares? I say you go ahead and get your groove back, Stella!
In her defense, dude did look to be in at least his twenties. I cannot wait to spend the holidays with these people.
Saturday, November 7, 2015
Don't Mess With My Man
Me: Gooooooing to the chapel and we're gonna get maaaaried.
Me: Gooooooing to the chapel and we're gonna get maaaaried.
Me: Gio really looooooves me and we're gonna get maaaaried!
MOC: LOL. Bitch. Trying to take my man.
Me: lol Hey, my daughter needs a father dammit!
MOC: Yes, she does need a father. Bc the one she has is an idiot
Me: lol Indeed, he is.
MOC: At lunch yesterday, [an old friend] saw you guys and Miss N waiting for me and asked who ya'll were. I said you were Miss N's dad and Gio was my fiancé. She's like, "Damn girl, good for you! So baby daddy is single then?".
Me: LOL. You know, I feel so cheap when you flaunt me in public like that.
MOC: Ha, yeah I bet you wouldn't feel cheap if Gio was flaunting you like that.
Me: Oh hell no. I'd bring Polaroids and scrapbooks and ish to show people.
MOC: LOL. Again - bitch.
Me: Gio really looooooves me and we're gonna get maaaaried!
MOC: LOL. Bitch. Trying to take my man.
Me: lol Hey, my daughter needs a father dammit!
MOC: Yes, she does need a father. Bc the one she has is an idiot
Me: lol Indeed, he is.
MOC: At lunch yesterday, [an old friend] saw you guys and Miss N waiting for me and asked who ya'll were. I said you were Miss N's dad and Gio was my fiancé. She's like, "Damn girl, good for you! So baby daddy is single then?".
Me: LOL. You know, I feel so cheap when you flaunt me in public like that.
MOC: Ha, yeah I bet you wouldn't feel cheap if Gio was flaunting you like that.
Me: Oh hell no. I'd bring Polaroids and scrapbooks and ish to show people.
MOC: LOL. Again - bitch.
Thursday, November 5, 2015
You Better Watch Your Back Before She Turn Into A Killer
We were watching some show where an, ahem, older foreigner killed off her younger, American lover...
Me: He was 19 and she was 26. The similarities were eerie.
L: [Clearly not amused and possibly considering a murder of her own] I appreciate you knocking 15 years off your age, while only taking 10 off mine.
Me: Those were their ages! I can't mess with the script yo.
L: YOU could've been a gentleman and taken the 10 years and given me the 15. I'd be 21 and you'd be 24.
Me: But then I'd be the old one.
L: But at least you'd be alive.
Me: I am alive...[methinks on it for a minute]...oh...
I don't know why women always wanna kill me. I'm delightful.
Me: He was 19 and she was 26. The similarities were eerie.
L: [Clearly not amused and possibly considering a murder of her own] I appreciate you knocking 15 years off your age, while only taking 10 off mine.
Me: Those were their ages! I can't mess with the script yo.
L: YOU could've been a gentleman and taken the 10 years and given me the 15. I'd be 21 and you'd be 24.
Me: But then I'd be the old one.
L: But at least you'd be alive.
Me: I am alive...[methinks on it for a minute]...oh...
I don't know why women always wanna kill me. I'm delightful.
Wednesday, November 4, 2015
Though The Sea May Be Strong, I Know We'll Carry On
Life over the last month has been pretty darn good for me. Whereas a past version of me would see my good fortune as the calm before the storm, the current version of me is full of optimism. It hasn't all been sunshine and roses, last week had some challenges that are still not fully resolved, but I've found myself super optimistic all the same. I couldn't figure out where that came from until this morning when I realized I've started to let the right people have an effect on me, rather than running back to the wrong ones who treat me like dirt. Getting BP out of my system took some doing, but I finally feel like my old self again. And that's a relief because part of me worried I'd never get that back. A friend suggested that the final piece of moving past BP may have been hearing she's not doing well, but I assured them that's not the case. No matter how terrible the fallout with someone, I don't take solace in their misfortune. I genuinely hoped BP would find a way to curb her workaholic tendencies, manage her life better and find someone to be happy with. Hearing that she's still living for someone else's dreams half a world away and hating life only made me sad for her. And I was past all her foolishness prior to hearing that anyway. I attribute the final nail in that coffin to someone else who came into my life last month. Their eternal optimism has rubbed off on me considerably and I've noticed I wake up happier and I do my best to maintain that feeling all day long. People are gonna do what they're gonna do, people will attempt to ruin your day with their mess. But that doesn't mean you have to let them.
Thanksgiving is in three weeks, and 2016 is a mere 8 weeks away. Next year will bring challenges, and I already know what some of them will be. I can't say I look forward to the challenges, but I am keeping a healthy dose o' optimism on tap about it all. It would be easy to dread every week that flies by and see each one as ticking down to uncertainty, but I don't feel that way. I have a good feeling about the next 8 weeks. And I look forward to seeing my family in three weeks (I say that now, we'll see how I feel the actual week of Thanksgiving), and to other new beginnings on the horizon. Things are uncertain, yes, but it also feels like everything is falling into place.
Thanksgiving is in three weeks, and 2016 is a mere 8 weeks away. Next year will bring challenges, and I already know what some of them will be. I can't say I look forward to the challenges, but I am keeping a healthy dose o' optimism on tap about it all. It would be easy to dread every week that flies by and see each one as ticking down to uncertainty, but I don't feel that way. I have a good feeling about the next 8 weeks. And I look forward to seeing my family in three weeks (I say that now, we'll see how I feel the actual week of Thanksgiving), and to other new beginnings on the horizon. Things are uncertain, yes, but it also feels like everything is falling into place.
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